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Pregnant, Opiate addicted father-to-be

Old 02-04-2014, 11:33 AM
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Pregnant, Opiate addicted father-to-be

Hello all- this is my first time ever posting on a forum such as this. The reason I am driven to do so now is that I do not feel I can talk with my friends or family about this. I am 29 years old and literally 1 day away from my due date. My boyfriend and I are having a little boy (he was unplanned, but welcome). My boyfriend and I are both liberally minded musicians, educated, from good families and had both returned to our home town when we met. I knew he had been to rehab about a year before I met him for opiate addiction but aside from being a partier in the drinking sense believed him to be clean. I had a decent job and so did he... we moved in together after finding out I was pregnant and life carried on. Throughout the fall it seemed like money things were not adding up... but I naively trusted him and we both worked so much that it was hard to keep tabs on his goings on. I was in the dark. Things started falling apart emotionally, he was being meaner, more evasive, sketchy in his behavior... and finally in early December he admitted to me and his mother that he was using again and had spent all of the money we were trying to build up for baby. He agreed to counseling and detoxed at his mothers and started going to NarcAnon. My family knew too and though it was hard for them to understand they, like I, were willing to give him another chance to get it together. Now a few days ago, I found out he was using again. All our money is gone, he stole money from his mother, he pawned my guitars and computer, took the money I was saving to pay a phone bill... It completely destroyed me. I fell apart, yelled, cried, said awful things to him... His mom is at the point where I believe she will press charges against him.
It is clear to me that I should not be with him but here is my situation: He spent all of our money, and I just stopped working last week. The plan was for me not to work for about 2 months (unpaid). If I cut him out completely I will literally not be able to pay my utilities or rent. I have no other financial fall backs in my family or otherwise. Also, I could go into labor any second and I am SO angry and feel so much betrayal... but even so I don't want to take away his chance to see his son born. If I kick him out he is LITERALLY on the streets. I am so lost, feel so alone, and despite all his horrible actions I don't want to tell my family until after the baby is born because my mom and sister will be in the birthing room with me and I don't want that feeling around me while I'm in labor.
I feel like such a failure, idiot, ignorant fool for being where I am. This should be the happiest moment for me and I have never felt so lost. What would you do if you were me? Should I sever all ties immediately? Is there merit to wanting him at the birth? He cried and apologized, and I know he has goodness in him, but he's nowhere close to recovered. I am lost, please help.
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Old 02-04-2014, 11:52 AM
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First, congratulations! You're so right, this is a wonderful time for you and being a mom is the hands down best experience! No one can diminish or take that from you.

Second, coming from someone who was in a similar position, I urge you to share with your mom and sister at the very least, maybe your best friend too (I know, from experience that its not easy) I think you'll be very surprised that all they want to do is love you and protect you and support you. Additionally, you'll be flat out exhausted after your son is born and you'll really be thankful that your mom and sister can know now that you'll need the extra support after your baby's arrival.

Lastly, you are not a failure or ignorant or an idiot. You're a loving partner and a responsible mother. You're about to have a baby and you have been trying to provide the best environment for your son. Your boyfriend's addiction is out of your control, its even out of his control. All you can do is focus on yourself and that wonderful life that you're about to welcome into the world. And what a wonderful task to have before you. Sending you a great big giant hug mama!
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Old 02-04-2014, 12:00 PM
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I found out he was using again. All our money is gone, he stole money from his mother, he pawned my guitars and computer, took the money I was saving to pay a phone bill

He spent all of our money, and I just stopped working last week.

If I cut him out completely I will literally not be able to pay my utilities or rent.

honey, if you DO NOT cut him out completely, you and the baby will be living in your car!!!! what he has done is truly unforgiveable. HE did this, with the birth of HIS baby any day now. he stole from his mother, from you and from his own child. he doesn't deserve doodly.

please tell your family...you need people who love you and will help you now more than ever. whatever happens to HIM? is HIS choice by the decisions HE made. he's an addict, it's what they do. you do not need this now. or ever.
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Old 02-04-2014, 01:44 PM
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When you make your priority list, you've got to be at the very top of the list. You need and deserve all the real support you can get.

When your baby is born, he is the top of the list, with you as a very close second. You need to care for yourself in order to care for him.

Your boyfriend has a terrible devastating addiction, and only he can make the choice for recovery. He has chosen addiction. He is not your problem; he is his own problem. His feelings, his potential disappointment at not being at the baby's birth, his remorse: these are the consequences of HIS choices and he must face them, or not face them. It is not your place to do that, or to try to anticipate what he needs or wants. Nobody can do that for someone else, though many of us with partners with addictions want to fix them with all our hearts. We can't. All we can do is live the most healthy life for ourselves we can, and pray that our loved ones eventually choose and commit to recovery. Your boyfriend can't do that in the space of an hour, a day, the next few weeks. He can't fix what he broke now, before your son is born.

Your life begins anew with the birth of your son, and I wish you every joy in the world. You are free to, entitled to choose the healthiest, most stable and loving environment for you both without hesitation.

This is a good time to reach out to your family and let them support and care for you and your baby so that you get a good healthy start. If it were me, I would tell my mother and sister so that they know what is going on and can handle any potential situations with your boyfriend for you if need be. I'm not even sure that a hospital would let an active addict into the birthing room. Given his recent behavior, your boyfriend can't be trusted to behave appropriately. You need to be protected so that all your energy goes into birthing a healthy baby.

For the longer term, there is a Quaker saying that I love and have found to be very true:

"Way will open".

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Old 02-04-2014, 03:03 PM
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I knew he had been to rehab about a year before I met him for opiate addiction but aside from being a partier in the drinking sense believed him to be clean.
I'm sorry about the situation you find yourself in. Before I married an alcoholic, I also thought that going to rehab fixed things and all was going to be hunky dory. Sort of like you go to a hospital to fix a broken leg.

It sounds harsh but maybe his mother pressing charges and you cutting him out of your life is the biggest favor anyone will ever do him. That's what someone told me when I left AXH, that losing his family may be the consequence he needed to see of his addiction in order to get serious about getting sober.

Also -- with an actively using addict, I would not want him in the delivery room with me.
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Old 02-04-2014, 03:36 PM
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Originally Posted by RoseStarz View Post
The reason I am driven to do so now is that I do not feel I can talk with my friends or family about this.
Dear Rose,
I am so glad you are turning here for support, and I hope you can take to heart all the very wise and supportive words and suggestions so far. We really do understand, and we really do care.

I would like to add my voice to the group:

1. Please swallow your pride, and anything else in the way, and turn to your friends and family now, in your time of greatest need. I am sure they won't let you go without food and rent, no matter what. Maybe you could work on some short term loans, if you are worried about taking advantage of people.

2. I agree that the baby's dad has forfeited his place by your side during the birth of your child. It may feel harsh to you, but the only way an addict can really hope to turn things around is when using causes them to lose everything they care about. Sometimes, not even then.

3. You and soon, your child, are your first and only priorities now. Your bf is NOT on that list. He found a way to lie, cheat, steal and use without your help or consent - he can find his way to sobriety, too.

All my best wishes to you on a safe and peaceful birth. Good luck and congratulations!
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Old 02-04-2014, 05:44 PM
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Please take care of yourself and your precious baby. I would tell family so they are aware of the whole situation not just pieces but that is just me. Congratulations!!!
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Old 02-04-2014, 06:01 PM
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I am in the middle of a custody battle with an addict. I know it may sound harsh, but Consider only putting your name on the birth certificate, when your bf has some extended sobriety under his belt, the certificate can be amended. Peace and serenity to you and your precious baby boy.
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Old 02-04-2014, 06:05 PM
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Congrats on the Baby!!!

You do have some options here. I agree with the other posters that you should let your family know what is going on. I am not sure what their financial situation is - hopefully, they can help you out.

If they cannot, I advise that you apply at your state medicaid office immediately. Pregnant woman are moved to the top of the line. You should be able to get state assistance which might include paying for your utilities. You will also get help with the baby including health insurance, formula, diapers etc.

As for him - yes you should sever ties with him. He isn't clean. This is just one disappointment after another waiting to happen. Focus on your child and his upcoming birth and protecting both of you since there is no income coming in.

Its very easy for me to say cut ties, I don't walk in your shoes. I do have a lot of compassion for the situation you are in. Rely on your Mom and Sister right now for emotional support I am sure they will give it to you.
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Old 02-04-2014, 08:56 PM
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You're in a huge transitional space in your life. Please pull together Team You, let them know what's going on and how much you need help. Can a family member help you out for 6-8 weeks? If not, services are available to you. Contact your local WiC office and Medicaid. You can get your medical paid for. When you go into the hospital, a social worker can help connect you with services.

As hard as it is, don't panic. Things will fall into place whether or not your boyfriend is there.

I also came to SR pregnant and panicked and judging myself and terrified about the future. Three years out, I'm doing very well. I'm happy and my kids are happy and healthy, and I'm alone. I have done the WIC thing and the housing thing and the Medicaid thing in the past. There's no shame in it. Being a single parent can be sublime.
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Old 02-04-2014, 08:57 PM
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And congrats on the baby! Do you know if it's a boy or girl? Any names picked out yet?
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Old 02-04-2014, 09:11 PM
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Oh RoseStarz, you are not a failure, and idiot, or ignorant. Please don't ever think of yourself this way. You are a mother to be wanting a father for your child and partner for yourself. Who in their right mind wouldn't want these things? And as soon as you lay your eyes on your son, it WILL be the happiest moment of your life.

I think you've received a lot of great advice here. You are going to need the help and support of those who love you, and they will sincerely want to help. Share this with them and allow them to be there for you.

As far as your BF goes, I'd just take him off the priority list entirely until he gets himself together. Don't let his actions ruin your special time!

I really don't have much more to add here, just wanted to send you some love and support. Congratulations on your little one!
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Old 02-05-2014, 08:32 AM
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Let us when you get a chance how you and baby is doing?
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