NotVeryHappy

My wife was diagnosed (25 months ago) with Stage 4 Cirrhosis of the liver, end stage liver disease. As of now, she will have a greatly reduced life span. We have been married twice (cause we loved each other so much) and have been together 23 years. We have two young girls, 7 and 9.

When we went into the emergency room because of the horrendous symptoms she was experiencing but was still undiagnosed at the time, I had NO idea she was drinking as much as she did, that she essentially killed her liver. Do not misunderstand me, I certainly was an enabler (looking in hindsight) and I thought something was wrong and not right in my home but I could never really prove it. There were so many lies, deceptions, poor choices, and awful behavior that I was terribly unhappy. I was angry, upset, mad, stressed, crazy, etc. And then after she was diagnosed, I was even madder. Well she continued to drink and lie on and off for the past 25 months. Finally, she ran away last December (2012) to drink with a man she met in rehab and never contacted the kids and I for 7 days. I changed the locks and have not allowed her to come home to the kids and I.

For the year 2013, she has run away and not contacted the kids and I for a total of 47 days. She has been to 4 Rehabs and continues to drink. Most recently, she was kicked out of her 3rd sober living home in early December (2013) and I let her stay with us for 6 weeks. During that time, she drank 3 times, including my daughter's 7th birthday and made her cry. She hit me in front of both kids because she was so drunk. I still tried helping. I found a bottle last week and asked her to leave. She has now been "missing" since Thursday of last week and has not contacted the kids or I since then.

I do not know what to do or how to do it. I have been to about 5 dozen Al-Anon meetings and I know it is out of my control but I am not sure how to put that theory in practice. I have high blood pressure, stomach is always in knots, and I am mad, angry...VERY VERY angry. VERY HURT. VERY SCARED. If I stay, she lies; if I leave...she may die. Drinking for days with end stage liver disease can kill you. I am not sure I can live with that if she does and I didn't help.

I am so lost in what to do for me, for her, for our kids. Thanks for letting me vent.

feeling-good

I am so sorry for how things are. I have no advice but heartfelt virtual hugs

hopeful4

I am so sorry.

The thing is, it is not your choice. Even if she does stay she has shown she will drink. She has also shown that she will abuse you. Can you live with that for you and your children? Can you live with you and your children having this unstability in your life.

It is hard to accept that some have no bottom...that their bottom is death. She has to want recovery and apparently does not.

Please please get help in the form of therapy for you and your children. They are at a very tender age that they need stability and definitely know what is going on at that age. No hiding the truth.

Please get help and put your children first. They need a stable parent. You brought them into this world and your decisions have to be what is best for them, they are first. Not the addict in your life.

I am sorrry. Keep posting and reading, you will find tons of support here. Some of it may sting as often it is not what we want to hear. Be strong.

Mellybug

Being new to this whole thing I have nothing to offer except my heartfelt sympathies for your situation. I'm SO sorry you're going through this.
The only thought that comes to my head/heart is that you can't control this - and as harsh as it may sound...she has end stage liver disease...no matter what choices you make it isn't going to change the fact that she has this medical diagnosis - as horrible or as self-induced as it is.
Do what is best for you and your CHILDREN. They are the innocent victims of this situation...what do you think is best for them?
Hopefully someone with better clarity can provide more comfort or "smarter" words than I can. All I can offer is a shoulder to cry on, and ear to listen, or a hand to hold.

DesertArizona

The ony thing that you can do is to cut off absolutely all support and contact with her, and with her daughters as well. Don't answer her phone calls, don't see her, don't allow her to contact your daughters, don't give her money, UNTIL she goes to rehab. It seems counter-intuitive to a lot of people, but that's about all you can do to force someone into getting better. They won't allow her a liver transplant if she's still drinking either, let her know that. Sit down with her and just tell her that starting right now, you won't have anything to do with me or your children until you call me from rehab.

JustAGirl1971

I'm really sorry, NotVeryHappy. What a horrible situation you're in You mentioned al-anon. Do you attend regularly? Have you made any connections at the meetings? I'm struggling at the moment and find that when I attend meetings 3x/week or more, I feel better, stronger, and I function better as a parent.

At this point, I think you have to do what is best for you and your daughters. It sounds like your AW has made her choice. I'm so very sorry for you & your girls

Stung

I have no advice for you, but I am truly sorry for what you and your kids are dealing with. Sending you hugs.

DesertArizona

The only hope you have is to call everyone that has influence or presence in her life, get them together and start creating consequences for her. Make all of them promise not to accept her phone calls, not to give her money, a place to stay, or access to her daughters, absolutely nothing until she is IN rehab. If she drops out early, cut off contact again.

This is the only formula that works. You need to create consequences for her drinking. She gets to drink and you get to deal with the problems, so you need to give the problems back to her. Make them HERS to deal with. Because once the consequences of drinking are greater than the benefits, she will stop drinking.

This is often very hard for families to do, which is why so many people are enabled to death. It just feels counterintuitive and mean, but I promise you that its what every single addiction counselor and interventionist will tell you to do. Its simply the standard protocol for dealing with an addiction in the family.

Brave

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. ((hugs)) It sounds like having her out of your home is what's best for the children and you. Please keep protecting them and putting them first.

fluffyflea

Sounds like you've done a lot to help her.

You are powerless over this.

Don't blame yourself.

firebolt

She is going to do what she is going to do - whether you are there or not. You have to do what is best for you and the kids. Take care of yourself - I'm sorry you are going through all of that.

spiderqueen

This is absolutely tragic, NotVeryHappy. I am so sorry for you and your dear daughters.

It seems to me that in spite of the many Alanon meetings you have attended (good for you), you have not yet internalized the three Cs:

You did not cause this, you cannot control it, and you can't cure her.

Your wife alone is responsible for herself and her affliction, and she has to want to live badly enough to FIGHT for her LIFE. You are responsible for providing a safe and stable home for your girls, and taking care of yourself so you are not a nervous, sick wreck unable to be a parent.

I highly recommend seeking out some of the threads here by dads with kids whose wives are active in their addiction, and how they managed/are managing. Most of them, from what I have read, found a way to separate themselves and their kids physically from the devastating effects of their drunken spouse. Also, you may benefit from individual counseling. Maybe talk to your doctor for a referral. It's clear that you may need help getting un-enmeshed.

You can only help yourself and your girls, now. Please turn your focus where it will do some good. And again, I am terribly sorry for your situation.

redatlanta

I am very, very sorry for what you are going through.

So what is your plan here since you can't live with yourself if you don't help her? Because my guess is you have done everything in your power to help this woman. I think you are looking for the magic answer that everyone comes here looking for.

You can't stop her dude. Its a damn hard pill to swallow.

When someone has stage 4 liver disease with a death sentence, and they continue drinking, you are dealing with the deepest level of addiction IMO.

Hug your kids and keep them safe and out of harm's way from their mother. Continue with Al Anon and post here often. That's the help that you can do, you can help yourself and your kids.

tootsl1

Notveryhappy, as laying scheming cheating drunk, with a husband who had an idea I drank too much but not the scope until I knew I needed him to know for me to stop, you are not responsible. You are not at fault. You also cannot do anything to change the way your wife is choosing to live the last of her days. I feel you need to care for yourself and your children. I also feel you could really do with some counselling to help you look at your emotions. It is completely understandable that you would be angry and frustrated, but unless you find a healthy way of dealing with those feelings, they can fester.

I wish you my heartfelt best.

AnvilheadII

you have two young children who need ONE sober sane and rational parent. they need you, way more than she does. she may indeed drink herself to death. as tragic as that is, it's just what some do. she continues to run away from home....from her husband, from her CHILDREN. she's been to rehab, she knows the drill. she can't or she won't reach for the help that is offered. it's awful, horrid, and just what it is.....

she isn't doing this TO you...she's doing it to herself....we will never know why. but your children deserve better. put them first. then you. then her.

i'm so sorry. my mom died at 57, liver failure. it was awful.....but NOTHING I did or tried and could have done could change the outcome. I was her only child, I gave birth to her only grandchild....to my knowledge she never did TRY to get sober....the best I could do was be there with her at the end....I was alone with her in the room holding her hand when she drew her last breath.

some don't want sobriety. they don't see the point. they have no interest. it's just how it is. a force of nature.

god bless.