Mellybug

This is my very first post EVER!
I'm in a relationship, relatively new, with an ABF. I've known him for 4 years, but just moved in with him last September. I had no idea how bad his drinking really was until I was living with it 24/7. It's finally come to a header for me...he and I had a blowout the weekend before last after he drank 2 fifths of vodka in one night and then tearfully begged me to help support him in "getting better". Which lasted all of 24 hours...and led to another bender (due to a "bad haircut") of 4 days.

I decided to get help for MYSELF, since I can't "help" him. I'm going for a scary procedure tomorrow and know that I need to take care of myself ONLY.

I was reading the "things normie's wouldn't know..." sticky and couldn't believe how close to home most of them hit for me. After 8 pages I had to stop and post.

Especially the "standing next to him every morning to make sure he's still breathing". I do this EVERY SINGLE DAY. Also the holding up a half of a fifth of hard liquor and proudly exclaiming that they did so GOOD!! They only drank HALF! (and actually being proud OF them! How RIDICULOUS!)

His dad had a heart-to-heart with him while I was out "doing my own thing" on Sunday with his step-mom. Since then he's been so much more helpful and attentive, and as much as I WANT to believe it, I'm skeptical. I'm at the point where I want to tell him that I am done unless he agrees to go to AA...but I've heard that doesn't work. So, I don't know WHAT to do.

Just had to post. I'm still learning and have my first Al-Anon meeting tonight.

Thanks for reading...

lillamy

Welcome. I'm glad you found SR but I'm truly sorry you have a reason to be here.

Diving into Al-Anon is brilliant. It would be the first thing I would recommend to anyone with a loved one with addiction problems. If the first meeting feels awkward, come back anyway. Or find other meetings to try. Each meeting group seems to be a little different and it took me a good while before I found one where I really felt at home. But when I did, I had the same experience you had reading that post. All of a sudden I felt a little less lonely in that craziness that we fall into when we live with an alcoholic. All of a sudden I was surrounded by people I felt safe with. People I could tell things to that I couldn't speak to even my closest friends about.

The stickied posts on top of the forum are a wealth of information. My recommendation is to load up with Kleenex before you start reading them. You'll recognize some, look at some in horror, but in the end, you will be more informed that when you started.

And please hang around. Vent. Ask questions. This place has a tremendous amount of information, experience, and knowledge. You'll find some people a little rough around the edges at times (When I first came here, I felt that there was a bit of tough love that I had a hard time handling, but I am eternally grateful for it now.)

Lots of hugs for you.

feeling-good

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I am sooo pleased you are going to Al-Anon. My husband has finally started going himself after a year of sobriety for me. I wish he had started going earlier, but never mind.

Take care of yourself, first and foremost, and encourage, if possible, your BF to go to AA when he can.

Mellybug

Thanks, feeling-good, for the encouragement. I have encouraged BF to go to AA, but his stance is that they promote abstinence and he doesn't want to "quit", just cut down to "normal" levels (no, I do not subscribe to this thinking for someone as dependent on alcohol as he is).
I realize I can only take care of ME...but I am going to INSIST that I will not tolerate him drinking vodka anymore. The smell on his breath and body when he drinks it nauseates me and I will leave the house if he's drinking it. I just can't take it...it makes me physically ill.

feeling-good

Mellybug - you are right to have boundaries. How you stick to them and keep your relationship going, I'm not sure. Al-Anon will really help you.

spiderqueen

I think you win the Newbie Quack Award for today. I assume you know what "quacking" refers to? It's the ridiculous stuff A's come up with to justify/explain/deflect their drinking and it's fallout. There are long threads of priceless quacks on SR that you should read next.

Seriously, though, I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are joining us to discuss your situation. It's true that you can't force him to AA, and even if you could, it will only help him if he's good and ready. Just wanting to cut back and drink like a normal guy shows that he is nowhere near Step 1.

Since the relationship is so new, I would seriously reconsider your plans to be with this person right now. It is very painful to live with an active alcoholic, and oftentimes the best way to deal is to separate and watch from a distance. It's often said here that you don't need a front row seat to the mayhem.

Best of luck to you and keep coming back!

dandylion

Melly---may I ask----why just vodka? All forms of alcohol are alcohol--the end result is the same.....

dandylion

Pia

The smell on his breath and body when he drinks it nauseates me and I will leave the house if he's drinking it. I just can't take it...it makes me physically ill.

The aroma of 6 pack Bud light , 1 bottle of red wine and a hint of Tequila and salt- I have forgotten that smell. I didn't forget we will be divorcing and have a divorce under my belt.

Why date be done?

Mellybug

While I understand that all forms of alcohol are alcohol, I also believe in baby-steps.
He agreed to this with very minimal fuss "But beer has made me fat..." to which I replied that in large quantities, yes, it most certainly has! Try drinking WAY less - and I have seen quite the effort on his part.

I guess for me it was a bit of a test to see if he was actually willing to take my feelings into consideration - and he has.

As to why date and not leave? I know he has not always been this way...I know he WANTS to change...and I am not ready to just "give up". I told him I'd put as much effort into this relationship as he put into it (the relationship AND getting better), and since then I've seen it from him. I am honoring my word, which is very important to me.

Insaneshame

My AH always took my feelings into consideration, when I was putting on the table how I felt and what he drinking was doing to our lives. He would "try" and I use that loosely, to get better. He went to AA last January and didn't drink for a whopping 6 weeks before he asked me if it was ok for him to just have one, on a Friday night. I mean, it is Friday night right? I can control it, he said. Here I am just 1 year later and we are separated, as it's just the same roller coaster over and over and over and over. I'm not trying to be negative here, just want to share some reality that I'm sure quite a few on here have dealt with. I gave my word to him and promised, via marriage vows, to stand with him through thick and thin. I love him and still want to be with him.

What I'm really trying to stress is that for you and me, to take baby steps and slowly cut back and know that it's best to change and quit and all is NOT what the A thinks or even comprehends. That's why we are "normies" and they are A's. I'm sorry you have to be here as well, and I sure hope that he gets it together for himself!! But watch his patterns, and know that you have to take care of yourself too!!!

MyBetterWorld

Leaving the house when he's drinking....I remember those days.

Doing that though, is essentially giving him the space he wants to drink himself into oblivion, comfortably, without you there to "nag" him about it.

How about he leaves to drink?

Alocoholics don't care about the comfort of others. Keep it up and you'll never be at home.

Welcome. I'm truly sorry that you have a need to be here!

Sweetfa

I'm a newbie too and also read the 'normie's' post. I just broke up with my Bf after only 4 months. I was amazed at the number of things on that thread I have started to do, in such a short time. Scary. I know I did the right thing by walking away, for sure now!!!