Stung

theuncertainty - it's hard to explain because they aren't normal feelings. I don't know how to explain it until someone else who gets it explains it to me. Florence and PohsFriend both have similar crap as my crap and I have NEVER come across anyone else who acts like this in my day to day life. In high school I was a mega bitch. In college I was an expert at being noticed but not spoken to like Florence said. I couldn't have explained it to you though until she said it because I'm still learning about it. And even then, it still may not make sense to someone who doesn't do it. I don't understand the pull or allure of alcohol to an alcoholic because I'm not an alcoholic but the weird stuff that I do, people like Florence and PohsFriend understand and they're teaching me a great deal about myself. I've very, very thankful.

theuncertainty

I may not understand it, Stung, but I can sympathize with how hard working through it is, and I can lend a shoulder if needed. (I was sincere when I said that you sound a lot like my best friend from high school. Though I know you're about 10 years younger.)

It is hard work to dig through the underlying issues that manifest themselves in our relationships. It's been a long and fairly painful road working through why I felt intimidated by AXH and yet stayed with him for so long. Like you with your daughters, my son and being able to give him a healthy and nurturing environment to grow up in has been the reason I'm still putting in the work.

CodeJob

Stung, thanks for sharing this about yourself. This is an intriguing thread.

Sometimes when I look at magazines it is so tempting to 'buy into' the idea that if your life could be as perfect if just you had that same fashion look, drove the right car, or decorated your house just so all would be well. Maybe if I wore that fancy exercise watch I'd actually run like the wind. It is tempting to give into that urge for instant gratification, but I am really grateful that I have learned that I get a lot of joy from anticipation. So saving up for something special, making a renovation plan, planning a trip, or surprising someone with a really well thought gift are almost as enjoyable for me as the actual moment.

To release the importance you hold on things will take time. You might always have a soft spot for some key items - like your car. But you are working through it and you will be better for the effort. God speed in your Prius and on your recovery.

fairlyuncertain

I'm so grateful for this thread. I call all that stuff social armor. Some of us feel more fragile inside, and need our big exoskeleton!
I gave up my materialism; there was never any money for it, and if we had extra money, he chose how to spend it. In fact, most of the nice things I have, he bought for me. I had to send out the signals about HIS success--because HE would look stingy or unsuccessful if I wore old clothes or no jewelry.
I love the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It addresses the core feeling of 'I'm not good enough' really nicely.
Martial arts are a great way to learn your own inner strength and be able to roam the social savannah freely, wearing what you like, without getting eaten alive!

dandylion

Fairlycertain----I Looove that term--"social savannah"----may I feel free to use it?

dandylion

lizatola

Thanks for the book recommendation. I like Louise Hay but haven't read that one. I woke up this AM having thoughts(while half asleep) about this very thing. My desire to look good on the outside. I'm sure some of it is societal influences, but some of it comes from my own lack in maturity over my own self esteem.

I've actually been journaling a lot about this my own materialism. I see it as one of my -isms.

Sorry if this hijacks the thread a bit!

HikerLady

Stung, the best thing I've learned and practiced in life is to hike your own hike (HYOH=a hiking term that applies to life outside the magical world of hiking/backpacking). People judge one another whether we all admit it or not. Fact of the matter is you are going to be judged with or without all the shiny bobbles the trick is to swallow hard and chant "It is what it is" ...breathe....and let it goooooooo. Like alcoholism you can give all the excuses or blame for how you got to this point you want, if you don't face the facts first (you are not nor ever will be perfect, and regardless of which route you chose in life you will not always be accepted or liked by everyone). So you like high priced creature comforts, some people will think no big deal, others will think you're probably a snob...so what? Being humble means truly accepting that your outer shell doesn't reflect the inner you (if what you say is true and you do not place labels on others as being less than because of what they have or don't have). Logically you have to know you come off as quite snobbish to some people who do not KNOW YOU....umm so what? Are you a snob? Quit getting mired down in the BS. The people you want in your life will always be the ones who strive to know you better, NOT the ones who pass judgement before opening the book because of the cover. I am the child of a BPD mother (yepyep I know the never good enough routine very very well). It was when someone I truly admired told me they thought I was a bit of a snob before they got to know me better that it dawned on me that my low self esteem was to the point of me assuming what others thought of me before I even gave THEM a chance to decide for themselves...pretty dern ego-centered that I was so bent on not being perfect (hahaha like anyone is perfect in this world) enough to open up to others comfortably. The real sad part is that when you do open up more after learning humility, you find out how often you've overlooked how messed up someone elses life is. People tend to hide those imperfections but the reality is that it's the imperfections and acceptance of them that make life so uniquely beautiful. Finding your positive self esteem and finding your joy often leads to helping others around you heal too. Life is not nor will ever be truly fair, accept that, be who YOU want to be. If you walk by me with a fancy overpriced purse and I roll my eyes, know that I need to work on my humility more. If I walk by you with b.o. and a backpack and you roll your eyes, know that you need to work on your humility more (lol actually I'd probably roll my eyes at myself for not packing deodorant). We all need to hike our own hike to become the better humans.

fairlyuncertain

Use away!

BlueSkies1

We have a few cars and one of them is an SUV. Yes, I like being atop the world sitting in that one because I can see! (unless there's a big semi in front of me.) Around here everybody has a huge pickup truck or an SUV and the sedans and "little people" look like they are tiny ants trying to fight huge roaches on the road.
My sedan is low. I can't see $^&*%#@ except for the little people in Priuses. Ha.
A relative has a Prius. I love the way she can zip into the tiniest parking space parallel!
I curse when I parallel park the SUV. I can't tell even with that movie screen in the rear view mirror how much space I have. But I do know when I see a too small space, have to bypass it, and watch someone with a Prius or small car zip right in like nothing doin'!

So a big fat truck or SUV might sit up high and look bad to the bone...but the agile and nimble little car will zip right around them, pass them, and leave them in the dust. Just sayin'!

Stung

Veils, social armor, hiking your own hike.

The overall trend I'm getting here is that eventually things will make sense and I'll be able to see the big picture and apply that lesson to my life in a way that is meaningful and impactful to me. I don't fully understand it yet. I'm working and learning little by little but I apparently just don't get it.

It's as if I read "all you have to do is..." over and over again and whatever advice that follows that intro is just lost on me.

Hammer

The ox is slow, but the Earth is patient . . ..

JustAGirl1971

As someone else newer to recovery, I can relate. At al-anon, everyone talks about how they do this, that, or the other. It is very helpful and I've started doing some of the things they mention. When someone mentions doing something and it applies to my situation, I try it. What I have a hard time is when they talk about changing how you think. I'm like: how do you do that? I looked into mindfulness (I think mk13 talks about this in posts.) Reading about and understanding how it works is one thing, but I still couldn't actually do it. It just didn't make sense to me. Last night, in some of my al-anon literature, a reading talked about using the slogans. It said just do it, don't worry about if you understand it, just do it. That clicked for me. I don't really know how to explain it but it made sense. I'm logical by nature... I think I've been getting caught up in having to know the hows and whys. Maybe I just need to start doing and stop trying to understand how and why? Does that make sense?

AnvilheadII

justagirl, they say bring the body and the mind will follow (it kinda has to!). another name could be TO ACT AS IF. much akin to What Would Jesus Do.....how might someone who is farther along in this recovery stuff handle X,Y, Z? ok, i'll try that!

Stung

JustAGirl, yes. It's confusing. I looked into mindfulness too and I have a really hard time actually practicing it.

I'm a logical thinker too. In my mind, I have a problem...I'm materialistic. Okay, how do you fix that? Down grade. So I did that. Didn't fix my problem. Then I shared that and got a bunch of advice about changing my thinking but I feel like that is what I said I'm trying to do in the first place. I want to shout "did anyone read my original post?! The whole point is that I'm trying to change my thinking!!" I need tangible exercises to change my thinking. All I know is that I'm not happy in my current scenario, so I'm changing it. I applied to a few grad schools this morning. Hopefully I'll be in grad school this summer/fall and if nothing else, my day to day will change.

JustAGirl1971

Thanks, anvil. That's what I'm hoping

MissFixit

Stung,

One thing that might help with the materialism is to evaluate your priorities in life. You know you love your kids and want their health and your health, so how can you get there in a way that doesn't involve material goods?

Do you have life goals that are non-material?

Are you spiritual? Why not? Why?

If you didn't spend 2k on a purse, what else could you use that money for? Trip? Education? New business--make more money?

JustAGirl1971

Well... this is what I've been trying to do: If it's an obsessive thought that I want to visit later, then I imagine myself in a private library. You know, the kind with floor to ceiling shelves full of old books. Then, I imagine myself writing the thought down in a leather journal, then I put the journal away. I just file it under whatever letter corresponds to the obsessive thought. ETA: This is so I can later go back and "pull" the journal out to revisit the thought.

If it's a thought that I want to discard, I imagine myself outside in the snow, writing the thought on a piece of a paper. Then, I imagine myself lighting a match and burning the paper. (I think this is what I would do with the thoughts that tie your value to 'things'.)

Problem is, I do this over and over! So, now I'm starting to add a slogan. So, I do the visual, then when the thought doesn't want to go away, I add a slogan and say it over and over and over and over in my head until the thought is gone. At least that's what I'm trying now. We'll see how it works!

Some of the slogans off the top of my head that I use are; let go & let god, easy does it, etc. For your issue, maybe "feelings are not facts"? Not al-anon but the one I'm using for my anxiety and/or anger is: feelings are indicators, not dictators (meaning the feeling indicates that there is a situation that needs addressing but doesn't have to dictate how I react.)

I don't know if that helps at all? That's just what I'm trying

JustAGirl1971

OY, another thing that I'm doing is this: Since I have an issue with reacting first, thinking last, I wrote down a list of 'rules' for myself in a little notebook. Example: STOP & THINK before ACTING, STOP & THINK before SPEAKING (yes, I know seems silly.) Anyway, I review that list in the morning before I wake up my daughter (teens are mouthy and it's hard not to snap back at her!) I also read it again before work or any situation where I interact with difficult people. I have the list memorized now, so I just close my eyes, imagine a large stop sign, followed by a lightbulb, and then me speaking. That HAS helped

theuncertainty

Stung, it's hard. My T and I have put in a lot of work on my self-talk. One of the exercises she gave me was:

The first step was that I needed to be able to catch the thought; to be aware of what I'm thinking and whether or not it's something that is beneficial to my well-being or in line with my goals. No more auto-pilot.

If what I'm thinking is not helpful on my way to my goal, she had me frame the word "Stop." in my mind. Just that: Stop.

The next step was to replace it with something that was helpful or more fitting with my goals. I didn't have to believe the new thought right away, I just had to be willing to accept that it *could* be true.

Catching the thought, for me, was the hardest part. Once I was finally aware of it, it was relatively easy to come up with something to replace it. The next step was believing it. That one's kind of difficult sometimes, too. As others have said, it's acting as-if, eventually it will be true.

Stung

Okay... speaking of rules AND slogans…I know why I feel like poo about this now when I felt pretty good about it on Wednesday afternoon. I need to only take what works for me and leave the rest. The way my counselor explained it to me, worked really well for me. I am my little prius, the way I feel about it, my actions and myself just jives for me. Explained in that context, I do understand. The way that Anvil explained it does not work for me and that got me all worked up because I felt like my feelings were then "wrong." I read "you're not your car, you're a person. Stop being so stupid and get rid of all of your stuff." Although I KNOW that is NOT the message that was written that's what I left with and instead of just leaving it, that is what has been lodged in my brain.