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Old 02-06-2014, 01:40 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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because it gives me an elite image

who is your audience in that mindset? who are you trying IMPRESS? where is that NOT GOOD ENOUGH voice coming from?

or are you just gobbled up by consumerism? the TV told me to!

i have one handbag/purse. my daughter got it for me a couple xmas's ago. it's black, it goes with everything!!! for many years i ran with a backpack...albeit a purple one.
isn't a purse just a thing with a strap to hold stuff?
aren't shoes just things we wear to protect our feet?
cars a means of getting us from here to there?
stuff is just .........stuff. whether you pay $10 or $10,000 at some point it becomes obsolete, passe, so last year. releasing these notions about STUFF and the NEED for stuff really helps us get back in touch with OURSELVES.
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:09 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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My audience? The world. Why? Because I'm very self conscious. I seek approval from everyone, everywhere I go. (I'm aware that this is weird, I'm trying to figure it out so I don't pass it to my kids.) Why? Because I have issues. It's why I see a counselor, its probably why I'm married to a man with his own mixed bag of issues. Where does this voice come from? I'm still trying to figure that part out. I'm very much a work in progress but I am very aware that I have things I need to work on. That was kind of the whole point of this post. But this stuff apparently happens gradually (super frustrating) and I'd like the path to emotional health to be both linear and expedient.

I'm glad you have one handbag, that is probably the healthy way to live! I have many. I have Louis Vuitton bags, Chanel sunglasses, and too many shoes and clothes to even fit in my closet. I'm aware that I'm compensating with my stuff but its what I know. This is how I make myself feel good and this is how I show the rest of the world that I'm just as good as they are too because honestly I don't feel like I am. I don't feel like I belong and I'm constantly trying to prove to everyone and myself that I do.
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:14 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Up until a year ago I was still driving my 94 Honda (bought if new) It was a rust bucket, eye soar, piece of crap at that point but it did the job till I could afford a new car.

I even valet parked it in that condition! :-)

Point is, I would have been in heaven over a Prius! It's all about perspective.
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:14 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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keep digging into where you first got those messages, those old tapes. in the meantime, you can challenge them when they come up. you say STOP, what you are saying is not TRUE and i will not listen.

and then you start going out into the world with less STUFF, more YOU...for as long as you can take. you listen and observe and you begin to realize nobody gives a sh!t. nobody CARES what brand of whatever YOU have...because they are obsessed with what THEY have.

and maybe consider downsizing. if you have too many clothes to fit in the closet, you have too many clothes. and they serve you no purpose. they become part of the LIE.

they do you NO good stashed away. that's called hoarding. we can make it this as hard or as easy as we wish. we can come up with excuses or we can plow ahead. depends on how eager we are to get to the other side.
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:18 PM
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You could do what I do, drive a hybrid, AND have a big ass pickup truck.

Switch it up based on mood, or how many feet of snow are being dumped on you.
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:22 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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It's gradual dude. My counselor said that forcing myself to get rid of my things without doing the work to make myself feel like I don't need them will make me feel pretty crappy. I don't want to feel crappy. I can just adjust my thinking moving forward. Much like an alcoholic can't undrink their booze.
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
Because I'm very self conscious. I seek approval from everyone, everywhere I go. (I'm aware that this is weird, I'm trying to figure it out so I don't pass it to my kids.) Why? Because I have issues. It's why I see a counselor, its probably why I'm married to a man with his own mixed bag of issues. Where does this voice come from? I'm still trying to figure that part out. I'm very much a work in progress but I very aware that I have things I need to work on. That was kind of the whole point of this post. But this stuff apparently happens gradually (super frustrating) and I'd like the path emotional health to be both linear and expedient.

I'm glad you have one handbag, that is probably the healthy way to live! I have many. I have Louis Vuitton bags, Chanel sunglasses, and too many shoes and clothes to even fit in my closet. I'm aware that I'm compensating with my stuff but its what I know. This is how I make myself feel good and this is how I show the rest of the world that I'm just as good as they are too because honestly I don't feel like I am. I don't feel like I belong and I'm constantly trying to prove to everyone and myself that I do.
Honestly, Stung, I don't think it's that unusual. As I've been working through my issues, I've come to the realization that my behaviors all stem from the same core issues: My need for approval, attention, and affirmation. My 3As :p For me, I think those issues stem from feeling neglected as a child. My parents were not critical like your mother, they just were mostly emotionally unavailable. They both came from very dysfunctional families and did not know how to be emotionally supportive parents though have tried very hard to be.

I think it's actually fairly typical to look for approval through 'things' or define our self worth by 'things.' Very common. Just a guess, but I bet more people define their worth by the external than not. eta: I'm not saying this is a healthy way to live, just that I don't think it's uncommon to feel this way.

I can so relate to all the things you said that I bold faced above, lol. Honestly, Stung, I've heard some variation of all of those mentioned in al-anon by various people. I think more of us can identify with you than you think. (and maybe why al-anon might just feel like 'home' if you decide to try it.)

And ps Stung, you are good enough, smart enough, and nice enough. We like you just fine here. You belong
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:52 PM
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Much like an alcoholic can't undrink their booze.

right, but if they want to RECOVER, they QUIT and get rid of the REST of the booze and then don't buy anymore.......THEN they get into some type of support program and work out their issues, SOBER.

just sayin......you seem to have a lot of reasons why you have to stay right where you are which is perfectly fine. miserable is a choice!
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:58 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Okay, Anvill, why are you coming at me so aggressively?

Please help me understand where I said I want to stay where I am and want to be miserable? I don't feel like that is a message that I'm imparting here. Getting rid of my car was an aggressive maneuver according to my counselor, who is actually a person who is paid to dole out her thoughts on my feelings and behaviors.

I heard your message. I get what you're saying. Just lay off a little bit, okay?
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Old 02-06-2014, 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
My audience? The world.
I'm going to call you on this one, Stung. Because it's not the World that you're viewing as your audience. Because within segments of "the World", the Prius you're complaining about deciding to down-grade to, is a symbol of having made a goal. Within segments of "the World", the Louis Vuitton bags, the Chanel gear, etc., is viewed as over-blown, over-priced, consumption for the sake of consumption. So, it's not "the World" that you're trying to impress.

I lean towards certain names when I shop. It's because they're names that my friends appreciate, or it's because the companies value the same causes or beliefs that I support, or because the gear has some sort of other emotional or intellectual appeal.

I have to try pretty hard to get past some of my preconceptions, especially when the gear I want is outside my price range. Being aware of where my bias is coming from is key.
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Old 02-06-2014, 03:15 PM
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You're right. I want to belong and blend in so that people are less likely to look at me. And if you do look at me I want you to see my expensive stuff and be intimidated by me. I don't people to F with me. I'm an *******. So is my husband. But we used to be all warm and fuzzy to each other and when his **** started spinning out of control he stopped being warm and fuzzy towards me.

I haven't had to look at myself before because I had my husband's love and acceptance and now that's gone.
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Old 02-06-2014, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
And if you do look at me I want you to see my expensive stuff and be intimidated by me. I don't people to F with me. I'm an *******.
Man, you're sure you're not older, Stung? I swear you sound just like my BFF from high school.

I had to re-frame a lot of my images of not only what I saw success as but also how I saw myself. For pretty much the opposite reason as you: you have/had your husband's love and acceptance, but as the relationship between AXH and I progressed, AXH constantly found ways to insinuate that I was less-than or at least other than I am. It takes a lot of courage when working on self-image to actually look at what we imagine vs what is.
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Old 02-06-2014, 03:52 PM
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It's NPD stuff. I was freaking out that I was a megalomaniac a month ago because I want people to fear me. Really NPD people can't assess their own behavior. I just have a lot of muck to figure out.
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Old 02-06-2014, 04:11 PM
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Maybe I'm reading what you've been posting wrong, but I don't really see that you want people to FEAR you, Stung. What I'm seeing from this side of the screen in this thread is more of a wall put up. A means to protect yourself: if they see *this* and don't like what they see, well it's *this* that they don't like, not me.

Of course, I could just be seeing a reflection in the screen, because some of my closer friends have called me on similar behavior. Mine is a different wall, but it serves the same purpose. They've let me know that I do not share personal information to the same level. I share, but only so far and then it's like I just *stop*. One said it's like I have a bubble that they can only get *so* close to. I'm working on it, though. If I am projecting, I'm sorry.
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Old 02-06-2014, 04:31 PM
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Fear and intimidation are one in the same to me. But I don't know. I'm new to this stuff and I'm not the greatest at self diagnosing. I pull some advice from here, probably over share here and do pretty much everything that my counselor suggests to me. Her advice has been the most effective and impactful to me. My primary concern is just raising my daughters in a better, healthier environment by being aware of my own negative behaviors, as it pertains to my husband's alcoholism and my own upbringing. If we didn't have kids I think all of this would be MUCH easier to deal with.
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Old 02-06-2014, 04:54 PM
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Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971 View Post
And ps Stung, you are good enough, smart enough, and nice enough. We like you just fine here. You belong
I can't resist a good Stuart Smiley reference.... I burst out laughing when I read this.

Stung, I get where you are coming from, that your purpose here is to seek growth.

Are you journaling at all? I think it would be very helpful to you to be able to purge all this "junk" in a stream of consciousness type of writing. "I feel...." "I think..." etc. as it is happening. It helps to get it out & some people find it helpful to go back & read it later for more clarity. (Others never feel the need to review)

I know with 2 little ones it can be difficult to drop everything when your mind is churning but your hands are busy, but voice recorders that convert speech to writing that you could edit later might make that easier. I don't know much about them really, but I know I find the one on my phone super helpful, lol!

Just an idea! (And btw - I reserved that book you recommended & am picking it up tomorrow. Thanks for the suggestion!)
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:09 PM
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Children of NPD parents are hyper aware of what other people think, are extremely critical of themselves, and very image conscious. Personally, this is where I would dig in. I know that in my twenties I survived with serious anxiety by being a know it all and a fierce bitch. I didn't have the money for labels, but I knew how to dress and act to make people look at me and yet not talk to me.

This stuff is your mom talking. BTDT. I've been pleasantly surprised at how much my life opened up since I started dropping veils.
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 View Post
I grew up around people like that but my dad is the type who dresses like a homeless man and drives a beat-up old pickup even though he's got plenty in the bank, so I learned from an early age that appearances aren't all that important.
omy gosh! i was thinking about my dad and his ripped flannel FARMER jacket and big RUBBER BOATS and that old beat up FORD truck in the drive way....we never kepted up with the JONES...we did our own thing...i swear you where talking about me...lol
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:39 PM
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FWIW, wanting to blend in so people don't look at you and then wanting to intimidate them are two competing goals.

I'd agree that to be intimidating is to cause fear. IDK... I guess whether or not you're intimidating IRL depends partly on your behavior and partly on the perspective of the others. I'm just pointing that out because, personally, I don't automatically find people who have expensive stuff intimidating nor do I find all people who are ***** intimidating (some are just plain old unpleasant to be around). Unless you mean that you actively go out and try to compel or deter people from doing certain things by threatening them...

And I'm not asking that any of this be something that's aired here.

Hang in there, and remember to take care of yourself; you're doing some really heavy lifting in your work with your T.
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:40 PM
  # 60 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
Children of NPD parents are hyper aware of what other people think, are extremely critical of themselves, and very image conscious. Personally, this is where I would dig in. I know that in my twenties I survived with serious anxiety by being a know it all and a fierce bitch. I didn't have the money for labels, but I knew how to dress and act to make people look at me and yet not talk to me.

This stuff is your mom talking. BTDT. I've been pleasantly surprised at how much my life opened up since I started dropping veils.
I cannot explain to you how normal and understood that little blurb makes me feel. You just described me to a T. Especially this part: "I knew how to dress and act to make people look at me and yet not talk to me."

It's so frustrating because now that I know what this is, I just want it gone, like popping a mental zit or something. But it just does not work that way.

Thank you, Florence!
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