The Birthday Blues
 

My birthday is this week and I'm kind of dreading it. This is my last year in my 20s and I want to make it a year to remember (remember for being fun, not for drama and negative stuff.) I spent the last 3 years being pregnant and starting my family but now I want to do some fun stuff that doesn't revolve around being a mom. I'm not saying I want to go wild or shirk any of my responsibilities or anything like that but a date once a month would be nice. Maybe a vacation somewhere sandy and warm this summer.

My problem is that I kind of need a partner for that stuff and I already KNOW that AH can't be my partner in any capacity this year, if even ever again.

I'm feeling like 29 is going to be the year where I learn a lot of not-so-fun lessons and make some tough decisions and I'm not looking forward to it at all. Maybe dirty 30 can be the year where I have fun instead. But how lame is it that I'm putting off having fun?

Can everyone just tell me that being in their 30s was a million times better than their 20s? :) That way I can just tell myself that I only have one more year to go instead of feeling sorry for myself that this one isn't going to go the way I want it to.

Stung...I am 39. I will report to you that my 30's, even with all of my AH's drama...has been much better than my 20's. I think my perspective about what is important in life has changed. I enjoy my kids on a different level because I am more mature and don't worry so much about the small stuff with them. I have put God way up there on my list of importance and am confident enough in myself not to be shaken in my faith. It is just a different perspective on life.

That being said...this is my last year in my 30's...yikes..who knows what the 40's will bring...but I am going to pray for good things.

Happy Early Birthday my friend! I hope you plan something nice. Take a friend, have some fun!

I'm turning 33 in two weeks. My thirties are WAY better than my twenties so far, even with everything going on. I'm way more settled in my mind and body today than I was four years ago, and I feel more confident and empowered. I hear a lot of women say the same.

I'm pushing 50, and I can tell you life has just gotten better. :)

In my 20s, I spent way too much time building a career. In my 30s, I got married and had a crop of kids and, well, I don't have to tell you about the fog you live in with kids waking at night and having croup and all that jazz. Or about trying to do that with an alcoholic as a partner.

I don't feel like I really came into my own until my 40s. A lot of it was because I finally felt like I had the right to be who I was, that it wasn't my damn responsibility to please everyone around me, and that what other people thought of me was really none of my business. And of course, that was also when I found Al-Anon and SR and left AXH.

My favorite birthday present when I turned 40 was a letter from my mother's oldest friend, who was at that point in her 70s. She was reminiscing about turning 40 and how she somehow thought life would be more or less over by that point -- but instead, that was when her kids were old enough to have activities that they could do independently, giving her more time to explore her interests. She ended up finally pursuing the painting she had always wanted to do, and the last five years before retirement, she managed to go down to working part time because she was selling so many of her paintings. She said "Being 40 is nothing to be afraid of. For many of us, that's when we finally put our foot down and live for ourselves rather than for someone else." And she said this even though when she was 41 her husband had left her for a 19-year-old.

And I agree. Aging is pretty damn cool, actually. Not that you're anywhere near aging, you young thang!

But none of that takes away from the point that you're sad about your birthday. And that's OK. I would be sad, too. I hope you don't wait till you're 40 to have fun. Even if fun can be had at that point in life, too. :)

I turned FORTY last month & I'm still licking my wounds. ;)

My 30's were wonderful - so much more mentally settled about Who I Am & full of a lot of forward motion. My 20's were also great but in a different way... in my 30's I started to feel like I was really getting a grip on reality & no longer feeling like I was in transition between parts of my life... much more about taking control of my personal direction.

I'm also 39. Will be 40 in September. And despite the drama and difficulties in my 30s, I have most certainly been a lot more settled in my self-image, what I want and need out of life, etc. than I was in my 20s. Like you, I became a parent in my 20s. But there is just something about getting a little older, having some experience under your belt...it makes it easier to let the universe go where it's going to go, and enjoy the ride.

Happy birthday!!

Well I am not the pushy kind of person that would tell you to FINALLY go to your first Alanon meeting on your birthday, so you can celebrate your belly button birthday on the same day as your Alanon birthday for the Rest of Your Life.

so I will not.

I will just say -- Happy Birthday.

Firstly, Happy Birthday. Please don't worry....so much can and will change for you as you travel forwards and I can guarantee that you will one day be so thankful to have gained the things that age brings....sure, there are inevitable worries and anxieties around getting older....but me, I wouldn't want to go back to being the twenty year old I was if it meant loosing what I have learnt with age.

And I say that as someone who had a pretty rough 30's.

Have faith in yourself and dont worry about a future that may never happen...who knows what is around the next corner! That is exciting! That is potential!

Stung, you know it's not about the age, right? It's not even about whether you have a partner or not. It's about you and where you are. I say go ahead and plan something fun! Why can't you go on a vacation? Or, have evenings out with friends? No reason you can't make this the year of Stung :)

As for age. Honestly, at *almost* 29, you're in better shape than I was. You're figuring this stuff out now. I'm figuring it out at 42 and feel like I've wasted so much of my and my children's lives... (not to mention my youth :()

I just want to second that about the vacation.

Some of the best times I have had were travelling about the world alone - you would be amazed how easy it is to meet people and have fun when you are travelling ...or even how liberating the solitary moments can be (not at all, for me at least, like being alone in the same room/house at home). And I say that as a shy, half-deaf person...Im not an extrovert by any means.

I think I'm just being a Debbie Downer. I know my age doesn't really matter, hell even my birthday is just another day but it's those damn expectations and wants that I can't seem to completely get over yet.

Girls nights with friends are fun but I want romantic dates with hand holding and inside jokes. And I'm not brave enough to attempt a vacation with a baby and a toddler on my own, when they're older I totally will and really look forward to doing mother/daughter trips with them.

I think I have a lot of learning left to do and I want to just coast for a little while. But you guys sure do make the 30s and 40s sound good!

I didn't quite get that you have a baby and a toddler. That was silly of me to say that about the vacation - sorry.

But I am sure the time will come.
The shift from 20 to 30 is not insignificant so it is not unusual to feel what you feel about it...in fact it is probably a healthy response.Just feel it and let it go and have faith that many, many wonderful things are waiting for you.

I get it. I have less than 5 yrs til my youngest leaves for college. I had always assumed AH and I would do more travelling and 'couples' vacations. Obviously that's out! I am so NOT the person to go out to eat or to a movie alone... so I guess we'll have to see on the travelling alone. Like you, hearing Lewis's post about his date felt bittersweet. I was so happy for him... but it made me sad because it feels like an impossibility now (even though I know this state I'm in is temporary, sometimes it feels permanent?) I miss the romance, friendship, the feeling of being 'in this together', and the sex. It does suck. Go ahead and wallow... maybe I will do it with you? Then, tomorrow, we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and have hope that we can have those things again in the future?

OY, wanted to add: My brother and his wife took a college age girl on vacation with them once. They'd do family stuff during the day... then, in the evening, the college girl would watch the kids while they went out? With some creativity, you may find that a vacation or mini-vacation, may not be totally out of the question...

JustAGirl, I used to go on vacation with a family when I was a teen and babysit their clan of kids. Awesome way to make extra moolah as a teenager! Normally we just hire a babysitter at the resort for a few hours for a few days. We did that last May but AH was beginning to really spiral and we had a major blow out fight during that trip to the point where I had to book a separate hotel room for our then 1 year old and myself while I was big and prego. Not happy times.

I would LOVE a mini Vegas trip on my own…maybe I can talk my mom into watching my girls for one night and I can squeeze two days of peace (read: sleep) out of it. But gosh that feels so selfish at the same time.

Not selfish if it results in a happier, healthier, more rested mama ;)

You know, my daughter went with a family last year (she is 14) on vacation. She watched their boys for a few hours so they could do family stuff (they had lots of family go and some things were stuff kids would not really enjoy).

Now that being said, it was a cruise to the Bahamas for her so of course she wanted to go! In my day...babysitting was not such a good gig LOL!

Have some fun in your life Stung!

Stung,

Happy Birthday!

My twenties were very fun. But, I was always worried about what other people thought. I was still people pleasing and trying to do and be who my father, boyfriends, friends and employers wanted me to be. My thirties have been not nearly as whirlwind fun, but I honestly don't care (I mean from the bottom of my heart don't care) what other people think of me. I am not that outrageous, and was far more wild in my youth, but now I am who I am take it or leave it. I also am WAY more selective about who I consider friends and who I choose to spend time with. Life is too short to waste it on negative people or doing things that do not bring you joy.

I live on the coast and love to go to the beach by myself. I prefer it to being with someone because I like the peace and serenity. No need to talk or be interrupted in my thoughts...how selfish is that? I also LOVE to travel alone. It is totally different than traveling with friends or a man, but I find going to resorts super relaxing alone and traveling to interesting or historic places very educational and thoughtful on my own. It can be fun to be somewhere different where you know no one and be whoever you want to be. An escape from the daily grind.

Vacation ideas: I live in the Midwest where there is a lot of country. I have a teenager and a toddler. We have some friends in the region who we will go visit on occasion for a quick overnight. Sometimes we hop in the car and go to a teeny tiny town and explore. I have rented a hotel room with another friend with kids and we went swimming all night, then piled the kids on a hotel bed in front of the TV and chatted all night long. I go on regular (monthly?) excursions with my kids to find a new restaurant and eat new food in town. I've had to find ways to "fill the tank" with my kids in tow.

Re: Your mom. My new personal litmus test to find out if I'm being selfish and not projecting my mom's narcissistic crazy onto my needs is to ask myself whether or not a "normal" mom would be nuts about my need, whatever it is. Would it be totally normal for a daughter to ask her mother for ONE overnight babysitting session for a special occasion? No, and most healthy moms would be overjoyed (if maybe a hair intimidated) at the opportunity. If it's "normal," I ask. If her reaction is not normal, I start from there. To her credit, she's great to my kids -- it's me she's awful about. So if I can stomach whatever weird treatment she brews up, I ask. If I'm not up for it, I do something else from my list above.

Ditto Lillamy on aging.

As to the vacation. I take my four children to new places and have a blast. Been traveling with them pretty much always. They make it easy to meet the locals and I get to do all the fun kid stuff I'd want to do anyway, but way more fun with them along.

I don't get 'real vacations' nor do I have much time for a lot of romance. There are so many other great and greater joys in life. You still have a baby. How delicious and how lucky you are!

One of the great things about getting older is you are better able to define your life according to your own rules, views and aspirations. And Al Anon ideas certainly help teach us how to appreciate all the blessings each day bring.

Today I finally figured out where the public photocopier is hidden in my little village and for that I am on cloud nine! And while the Air is still cold, the birds are singing joyfully because the days are getting lighter and spring is coming!

Happy Birthday dear Stung! And be glad, because life has so many lovely surprises to offer you.