CarolE

Well he decided to call off work on Father's Day so that he could be home with the kids. The kids and I got ready for church, and he was too tired to go. We come home at 12:30 and he's gone, my mom said he left just after I did which was 10:30. He got home at 3:30 and passed out on the deck outside. I can remember a time when we were so happy, I just don't think we'll ever be happy again unless he gets some help.
Carol

JT

Carol...just becuse you married him does not mean you have to carry around his problems. YOU are not WE...you can be happy. I know...because I am and no one has stopped drinking and it doesn't look like they will be any time soon. Not my problem.

Hugs,
JT

CarolE

Thanks,

I know that I can be happy and it doesn't have to be about us, but his drinking still affects my life. I've been trying to keep it about me and the kids, and usually I do pretty well, but now he's spending money that we need to pay bills. We have separate accounts, and don't share any credit cards, but all he thinks about is drinking. Saturday he took the kids to the movies and and came home an hour and half later drunk, and I had to go get the kids. I love him so very much, but why do I allow him to hurt me. He told me yesterday that he doesn't understand why his drinking upsets me so much. I wasn't even prepared to answer that question.

Thanks for listening.
Carol

EmotionalMeg

Hi Carol,
I agree with JT (of course ).
It took me a long time to "clue in" to this, but when we say things like "We will never be happy until HE gets help" It is a way to pass the blame for us. Sure, life would seem to be a lot easier if the whole disease didn't exist, but it just doesn't work that way. Even if he DID get help and got sober, he would still be struggling... and yes, so would you. Thats why we come here to Alanon right?! Also, we are giving him waaaaay to much credit here don't you think? He doesn't control you, your emotions, or your fate... Be careful not to allow him to think he does.
You are totally, 100% capable of being HAPPY... regardless of what he is doing.
Hope that helps,
From someone who cares,
Meg

Tasia

Hi Carol,

I guess the hardiest thing for me to realize is that I am completely responsible for my own happiness. And with God's help, I am working on that daily. I myself am in a difficult situation with my A. For 19 years I chose to live in a sometimes violent home. About a month ago I called the police and he was arrested for domestic violence. He has been ordered to stay away from me and my daughter. This was painful for me as I never wanted to cause him "pain", I was always willing to "take" it for him. I love him deeply but sometimes we all have to use "tough love." I am not good at that. But thru all of this I have learned alot about myself and that (with God's help) I have strengths and courage I never knew I had. I always ask myself a question when I face a crisis "Lord, what are your trying to teach ME thru all of this." And what has He taught me? I can be happy in any situation, but that I do not have to accept inappropriate behavior, especially in front of my daughter. You are a strong person in yourself and in your faith. Look deep inside you and pray. Things will get better. The hardest thing to do is to allow our loved one to hit their "bottom." It's scarey, but it has to happen and we must not hinder its coming because all we are doing is postponing the inevitable.

God bless! T.