toxic people
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
toxic people
I've rid myself of most toxic people in my life, but still have one I deal with almost every day--my boss. She is frickin insane and flips out about stupid things at the drop of a hat. She also goes on and on and on and won't let things go when she thinks she's been "wronged" (which is usually not the case).
She takes everything very personally, even when it is just business. We're moving our office and then I am leaving at the end of March. She doesn't know yet. I want to see this through for myself and to leave on good terms. I also don't want to put my coworker in the position of having to deal with her #$%^ all on her own.
I am trying so, so hard to not let this negativity affect me and completely ignore it. I can talk till I"m blue in the face but she is who she is and is not going to change. I just keep reminding myself to breathe and that I'll be out of here in two months. I've decided to give her a month's notice, which is plenty. I'm just afraid I'm going to lose it and walk out the door. I'm also taking it home with me and bitching and being angry and negative myself.
AARGH! Any suggestions on how to deal until I get out of here? I hate feeling this way. I am so resentful I just wanna say "screw it" and run.
On a happier note, my BF has 90 days of sobriety tomorrow and started a new job today. Things are going well on that front and we're both working hard to keep it that way.
She takes everything very personally, even when it is just business. We're moving our office and then I am leaving at the end of March. She doesn't know yet. I want to see this through for myself and to leave on good terms. I also don't want to put my coworker in the position of having to deal with her #$%^ all on her own.
I am trying so, so hard to not let this negativity affect me and completely ignore it. I can talk till I"m blue in the face but she is who she is and is not going to change. I just keep reminding myself to breathe and that I'll be out of here in two months. I've decided to give her a month's notice, which is plenty. I'm just afraid I'm going to lose it and walk out the door. I'm also taking it home with me and bitching and being angry and negative myself.
AARGH! Any suggestions on how to deal until I get out of here? I hate feeling this way. I am so resentful I just wanna say "screw it" and run.
On a happier note, my BF has 90 days of sobriety tomorrow and started a new job today. Things are going well on that front and we're both working hard to keep it that way.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
RB....you just have to see the end in sight. I know you have lots of anxiety of telling her, maybe getting that out of the way would be a weight off your own shoulders? There are laws against this type of thing, she could get into alot of trouble.
Just remember, the end of March will be here before you know it. The end is near my friend!
Congrats to husband on his 90 days..that is super great news!
Just remember, the end of March will be here before you know it. The end is near my friend!
Congrats to husband on his 90 days..that is super great news!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Hey readerbaby. You have helped me so much, just chiming in here. I wonder if you have the book "Toxic People: 10 Ways Of Dealing With People Who Make Your Life Miserable" by Lillian Glass.
I got it for work related things, but also to try and take an inventory of my last relationship's brand of toxicity. It is a little simplistic, but has some techniques I would not have thought of.
As for me, I was in a very high pressure job before my current one. I was working 80+ hour weeks and there was one person I had to work closely with who not only was one of the most toxic people I've ever known, but also lived in my apartment building. She would make up things about my whereabouts when I had a doctor's appointment, she would email me after hours and tell me a management meeting was called but purposely tell me the wrong time so I would show up late and look irresponsible in front of people who could fire me. Things like that. When I knew I was leaving, I so wanted to just let her have it. But I believed a graceful exit was the best exit. HR got to hear why I was leaving in my exit interview, but I never got into it with any of these people.
My friend's boss is extremely toxic and he is leaving in a few months as well. He has adopted an approach of grin and bear it, no burning of bridges, and no useless engaging.
And I'm so happy about your BF's 90 days.
I got it for work related things, but also to try and take an inventory of my last relationship's brand of toxicity. It is a little simplistic, but has some techniques I would not have thought of.
As for me, I was in a very high pressure job before my current one. I was working 80+ hour weeks and there was one person I had to work closely with who not only was one of the most toxic people I've ever known, but also lived in my apartment building. She would make up things about my whereabouts when I had a doctor's appointment, she would email me after hours and tell me a management meeting was called but purposely tell me the wrong time so I would show up late and look irresponsible in front of people who could fire me. Things like that. When I knew I was leaving, I so wanted to just let her have it. But I believed a graceful exit was the best exit. HR got to hear why I was leaving in my exit interview, but I never got into it with any of these people.
My friend's boss is extremely toxic and he is leaving in a few months as well. He has adopted an approach of grin and bear it, no burning of bridges, and no useless engaging.
And I'm so happy about your BF's 90 days.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Congrats on the bf's job & 90 days 
I have a loooong way to go on maintaining my peace in stressful situations such as these. So, take what I have to say with a grain of salt since I still don't deal the best. Here are the things I've done/am doing:
I don't do every single thing every single day... but I try to do most every day and they are helping me. Especially starting off with the meditation.
Aside from that, maybe chant over and over again in your head "Only x more days til I'm out of here"
I have a loooong way to go on maintaining my peace in stressful situations such as these. So, take what I have to say with a grain of salt since I still don't deal the best. Here are the things I've done/am doing:
- Meditate in the morning before I have any interaction with anyone other than my HP (including/especially my kids.)
- Read a small amount out of my alanon material, bible, or whatever inspirational and/or self-help thing I'm reading atm, first thing in the am
- Keep a gratitude journal & read it when I feel the anxiety or other negative emotion coming on
- Journal my emotions at the end of the day
- Keep a short list of "rules" for myself that I read before getting out of my car at work (ie STOP & think before I speak, STOP & think before I act/react, WALK away if I start to feel negative emotions, etc.)
- Give myself permission to leave the room if someone makes me uncomfortable INCLUDING my boss. You can be honest ("I don't feel comfortable discussing this"), or make an excuse ("I need to use the restroom" or "I need to work on that project".)
- Put on my headphones and listen to music while working (helps filter out the negative noises on the background.)
I don't do every single thing every single day... but I try to do most every day and they are helping me. Especially starting off with the meditation.
Aside from that, maybe chant over and over again in your head "Only x more days til I'm out of here"
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
First, great that your BF is 90 days sober, and even greater that you have tossed the toxic out of your life and are on to a different work environment in less than 60 days! Those are huge accomplishments.
Second, is actually the first. What I've written above is what is important, and that is what you need to focus on. Your boss's bad behavior is quacking, and short-term. Keep your eye on the ball: your future.
Sometimes we absorb the environment around us without realizing it and then mirror it back to the world around us. If someone is cranky, THEY own it. We don't have to have such permeable emotional boundaries that we let their moods creep into our being and change how we feel and act.
Sometimes just thinking through "what is me" and "what is NOT me" gets you free of doing this.
I'd take a calendar and make a huge red star on freedom day and cross off each day as it passes.
ShootingStar1
Second, is actually the first. What I've written above is what is important, and that is what you need to focus on. Your boss's bad behavior is quacking, and short-term. Keep your eye on the ball: your future.
Sometimes we absorb the environment around us without realizing it and then mirror it back to the world around us. If someone is cranky, THEY own it. We don't have to have such permeable emotional boundaries that we let their moods creep into our being and change how we feel and act.
Sometimes just thinking through "what is me" and "what is NOT me" gets you free of doing this.
I'd take a calendar and make a huge red star on freedom day and cross off each day as it passes.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Depending on how open minded you are 
you might find some benefit to just clearing your personal energy field (aura) after you leave work each day.
I found this to be extremely useful to remove those little "hooks" others manage to snag into me during my day. My boss is great to me, but she carries a LOT of negative energy around her in other ways that impacts me just from being around it all the time. At reiki I learned that something as simple as running my hands around my body, about 12" out from my physical self while focusing my mind on "cutting the energetic strings" they have attached to me during the day can help a lot. Whenever I start to feel like I am bringing office stress home, I start making a better effort to protect myself in this way.
Here are some great blogs, etc. about it since there are a bunch of different ways to approach it, depending on what speaks to you:
7 Ways to Protect and Clean Your Aura
12 Great Ways To Strengthen Your Aura: | Rejuvenation Lounge
Cleansing your aura ← RealManifestation
Congrats on your BF's 90 days!!
you might find some benefit to just clearing your personal energy field (aura) after you leave work each day. I found this to be extremely useful to remove those little "hooks" others manage to snag into me during my day. My boss is great to me, but she carries a LOT of negative energy around her in other ways that impacts me just from being around it all the time. At reiki I learned that something as simple as running my hands around my body, about 12" out from my physical self while focusing my mind on "cutting the energetic strings" they have attached to me during the day can help a lot. Whenever I start to feel like I am bringing office stress home, I start making a better effort to protect myself in this way.
Here are some great blogs, etc. about it since there are a bunch of different ways to approach it, depending on what speaks to you:
7 Ways to Protect and Clean Your Aura
12 Great Ways To Strengthen Your Aura: | Rejuvenation Lounge
Cleansing your aura ← RealManifestation
Congrats on your BF's 90 days!!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I don't have much in the way of advice for you, but I can tell you a story.
About a year after my divorce, my supervisor left and was replaced by a person I secretly started referring to as my Stupidvisor. He was incompetent, incapable of delegating, hoarded all the work of the department on his desk because he couldn't delegate, and then when he screwed something up (which happened A LOT), he threw his staff under the bus. I had been there five years and never gotten anything other than "far exceeds expectations" on my annual performance reviews. The first performance review he had with me, he called in HR and put me on a performance improvement plan. Nothing in my job performance had changed -- but he created a laundry list of lies and fake things I had supposedly done, and there was nobody there to defend me except me.
I got the brunt of it with him. And he reminded me, even in appearance, of AXH. And most definitely in unpredictability, lies, manipulation, and lack of respect for other people.
I minimized the problem to myself, but when I spoke about his behavior to my counselor, she said what I had been thinking: That he behaved like an addict, and that like an addict, he probably had a sixth sense for codependents and who was least likely to cause trouble for him if he threw them under the bus. And then she said, "So -- the Al-Anon tools that you used when you were married to survive day to day... do you think they would work here, too?"
I believe I told her they wouldn't be nearly as satisfactory as kicking the dude in the crotch would, but that I'd try. And it was good advice. When I was able to detach and put his behavior squarely in his court, I felt empowered. The "one day at a time" was also helpful. He ended up shooting himself in the foot and being escorted out of the building by security with 15-minute notice to clean out his office, but that was a full year after he started. It was hell, plain and simple. But I survived by going to sometimes daily Al-Anon meetings and applying the same principles I had with AXH.
I didn't know how long I would be stuck with him. You have a deadline. But sometimes, I think having that deadline makes it harder. It's like... if you don't know how long some crappy situation is going to last, you sort of push your negative emotions down because you have to handle it. Once you know you're leaving, those emotions start bubbling up (at least for me) and it makes every day like trying to run through molasses. I've seen that a couple of times when I've left jobs or towns I've really disliked -- that it's not until I have a moving date or an ending date that I go "OMG I really flipping HATE this job/town! How on earth have I been able to put up with it for this long???"
About a year after my divorce, my supervisor left and was replaced by a person I secretly started referring to as my Stupidvisor. He was incompetent, incapable of delegating, hoarded all the work of the department on his desk because he couldn't delegate, and then when he screwed something up (which happened A LOT), he threw his staff under the bus. I had been there five years and never gotten anything other than "far exceeds expectations" on my annual performance reviews. The first performance review he had with me, he called in HR and put me on a performance improvement plan. Nothing in my job performance had changed -- but he created a laundry list of lies and fake things I had supposedly done, and there was nobody there to defend me except me.
I got the brunt of it with him. And he reminded me, even in appearance, of AXH. And most definitely in unpredictability, lies, manipulation, and lack of respect for other people.
I minimized the problem to myself, but when I spoke about his behavior to my counselor, she said what I had been thinking: That he behaved like an addict, and that like an addict, he probably had a sixth sense for codependents and who was least likely to cause trouble for him if he threw them under the bus. And then she said, "So -- the Al-Anon tools that you used when you were married to survive day to day... do you think they would work here, too?"
I believe I told her they wouldn't be nearly as satisfactory as kicking the dude in the crotch would, but that I'd try. And it was good advice. When I was able to detach and put his behavior squarely in his court, I felt empowered. The "one day at a time" was also helpful. He ended up shooting himself in the foot and being escorted out of the building by security with 15-minute notice to clean out his office, but that was a full year after he started. It was hell, plain and simple. But I survived by going to sometimes daily Al-Anon meetings and applying the same principles I had with AXH.
I didn't know how long I would be stuck with him. You have a deadline. But sometimes, I think having that deadline makes it harder. It's like... if you don't know how long some crappy situation is going to last, you sort of push your negative emotions down because you have to handle it. Once you know you're leaving, those emotions start bubbling up (at least for me) and it makes every day like trying to run through molasses. I've seen that a couple of times when I've left jobs or towns I've really disliked -- that it's not until I have a moving date or an ending date that I go "OMG I really flipping HATE this job/town! How on earth have I been able to put up with it for this long???"
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
HI
These are tips I have been given and used.
1. Tell her at the end of the work day. This way she can't be mean to you during the rest of the day or try to hash it out.
2. Do it on a Friday, so you have the weekend to decompress and so does she.
3. Be prepared for her to tell you not to return or get out immediately. This has not happened to me, but I have heard of it happening with an unstable boss. Be prepared financially to leave immediately. Do not expect the additional month of income. Of course if you work it expect it, but wait to give notice until your finances can withstand no more paychecks.
Good Luck!
These are tips I have been given and used.
1. Tell her at the end of the work day. This way she can't be mean to you during the rest of the day or try to hash it out.
2. Do it on a Friday, so you have the weekend to decompress and so does she.
3. Be prepared for her to tell you not to return or get out immediately. This has not happened to me, but I have heard of it happening with an unstable boss. Be prepared financially to leave immediately. Do not expect the additional month of income. Of course if you work it expect it, but wait to give notice until your finances can withstand no more paychecks.
Good Luck!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
I had a horrible boss at my last job--- stuck it out for almost a year. Some of the things that I did to last out the final months:
-Headphones when working (would sometimes discourage boss from complaining/pontificating at me every available opportunity)
-Bobblehead - that's where you just kind of nod along with whatever the boss is saying, and don't really say much in return. A lot of "Ok" and "Ohh, mmhmm" He would eventually wear himself out and go away.
-Vent- Work out your frustrations and vent to a friend. Go exercise and get it all out. Stretching / yoga at bedtime might help here too.
Hang in there!
-Headphones when working (would sometimes discourage boss from complaining/pontificating at me every available opportunity)
-Bobblehead - that's where you just kind of nod along with whatever the boss is saying, and don't really say much in return. A lot of "Ok" and "Ohh, mmhmm" He would eventually wear himself out and go away.
-Vent- Work out your frustrations and vent to a friend. Go exercise and get it all out. Stretching / yoga at bedtime might help here too.
Hang in there!
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