Are you kidding me?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Woodman, you are so far from a failure!! You are trying EVERYTHING to get your wife well and keep your family together, your efforts are impressive! But there are some things in life we just cannot control and realizing that does not make you a failure, it makes you courageous and intelligent. You can either stay in a marriage that makes you miserable or you can put yourself in a better position. Sending you strength!
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Please don't use the word failure for yourself. Reframe this.
You didn't fail as a husband. You were married to an alcoholic, which made it impossible for you to succeed under these circumstances.
Why not reframe leaving as a positive, active step that you can do for you and your children? If you do that you are moving towards something positive, and successful. Hard, and counterintuitive, I know. But maybe try thinking about it differently.
Please keep posting as you work through this.
You didn't fail as a husband. You were married to an alcoholic, which made it impossible for you to succeed under these circumstances.
Why not reframe leaving as a positive, active step that you can do for you and your children? If you do that you are moving towards something positive, and successful. Hard, and counterintuitive, I know. But maybe try thinking about it differently.
Please keep posting as you work through this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 26
Hi Woodman
Thank u for your post, I am an alcoholic & u have helped me see it from my boyfriends side, we have been together 7 years & I have changed so much, I like u at the beginning of my relationship based it on trust, respect and honesty...I would never or have never cheated or lied to my bf about anything else except drinking..what Have I become?
He has said to me he will not spend the rest of his life with an alcoholic, he will not put his children through it (we dont have any children yet but intend to one day). He has told me in no uncertain terms that he will leave me if I continue.
Reading your post I can see it from his point of view, if it was the other way around I would agree with what your doing. you are left with very little choice..stay with someone who lies, is not emotionally ther most of the time, & who puts drink in front of their family. or leave hoping this will give both of you better lives.
I also feel for your wife as I know what its like, the constant battle of wanting to get better, knowing that u will lose everything you love if u dont, the guilt & self hatred and then the addiction, all it wants is another drink & it doesnt care how or why.
I hope u find what your looking for
Elisha xxx
Thank u for your post, I am an alcoholic & u have helped me see it from my boyfriends side, we have been together 7 years & I have changed so much, I like u at the beginning of my relationship based it on trust, respect and honesty...I would never or have never cheated or lied to my bf about anything else except drinking..what Have I become?
He has said to me he will not spend the rest of his life with an alcoholic, he will not put his children through it (we dont have any children yet but intend to one day). He has told me in no uncertain terms that he will leave me if I continue.
Reading your post I can see it from his point of view, if it was the other way around I would agree with what your doing. you are left with very little choice..stay with someone who lies, is not emotionally ther most of the time, & who puts drink in front of their family. or leave hoping this will give both of you better lives.
I also feel for your wife as I know what its like, the constant battle of wanting to get better, knowing that u will lose everything you love if u dont, the guilt & self hatred and then the addiction, all it wants is another drink & it doesnt care how or why.
I hope u find what your looking for
Elisha xxx
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
We have said it on here before, but probably bears repeating . . . .
"Failing" with an A . . . is not really a failure.
You would have to be so messed up make things with work with an active A -- that would likely be a failure.
That you cannot -- AND ARE AWARE YOU CANNOT -- That is the big breakthrough success.
Congratulations.
No Re-framing Required. Just a Reality Check.
"Failing" with an A . . . is not really a failure.
You would have to be so messed up make things with work with an active A -- that would likely be a failure.
That you cannot -- AND ARE AWARE YOU CANNOT -- That is the big breakthrough success.
Congratulations.
No Re-framing Required. Just a Reality Check.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
You are not a failure, Woodman. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who is unhealthy and an active A is unhealthy. Your kids need you to be healthy.
The idea that a marriage or partnership lasts forever is a very romantic notion, but there are many variables that can make that impossible. Many of those variables are completely out of your control. That doesn't mean you are a failure if the relationship doesn't last until death. Relationships can ebb and flow throughout life. That is life. You can still love someone and not be married to them because daily living with them causes you pain. It doesn't make you a failure.
The idea that a marriage or partnership lasts forever is a very romantic notion, but there are many variables that can make that impossible. Many of those variables are completely out of your control. That doesn't mean you are a failure if the relationship doesn't last until death. Relationships can ebb and flow throughout life. That is life. You can still love someone and not be married to them because daily living with them causes you pain. It doesn't make you a failure.
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