cricket123

How do you get a backbone and do what is the right thing? I want to file for divorce but I chicken out. I keep thinking if I give him some time it will work out. After today I doubt it things were said and done that can't be taken back. I was hoping to wait until my girls graduated but it is not looking good.

I want to take money to the lawyer but every time I think about it I want to cry. Logically I know I will be a h*** of a lot happier away from his b********about me and everything I have done or not done.

I know one major thing that keeps me from doing this is I have no safety net. I don't have much family left and even though my income has gone up I am not financially independent yet and I am not sure I can depend on alimony. (I can see him get mad about it and quit)

Any words of advice on how to get a backbone?

neferkamichael

Well, I am so sorry you are going through this to begin with, but you do have your own income, which is a good thing, so why not just call a lawyer, gotta started somewhere. Rootin for ya.

KateL

I stuck around because of finances for far too long. Is there no assistance you can get where you live? xxxxx

Danae

You might not get alimony, but if you kids are still at home he'll probably have to pay some child support.

Get advice from a lawyer asap so you can start to plan a way out.

Insaneshame

For me, it was a final straw of my AH going through a 30 pack on a Friday night(shared with a friend), at least 4-5 24 oz beers the next day and finished out with 3-4 24 oz beers on Sunday. He was sooooo messed up, he was hallucinating!! That's when I knew that he needed to move out and remember what it's like to do it ALL BY HIMSELF, without me running behind him and cleaning up all his messes or just flat out doing it for him because he wouldn't. With that being said, it's not a backbone you need, more like a final straw where you know you're done dealing with him and all his crap. The point where you know that you need something better for you and your kiddos!! I would say talk to a lawyer as well, and at least get some options. Also, if you do leave, there is always local help. Food stamps, food banks, and places that can help you with rent and electric bills. Not sure where you live, but here in Texas, there are apts that have an income level. Meaning that you can't make more than X amount $$, as the rent is cheaper than most other apts. Stay strong and good luck!!!

Recovering2

I think the main reason we stay stuck.....is fear. I heard someone in a meeting say "Your happiness is on the other side of your fear. The only way to get to it is to push through the fear to the other side." Do you go to AlAnon? Even without family, AlAnon becomes its own family. You would have a lot of support moving forward.

cricket123

I would be awarded alimony at least 15 years or life. We have been married a long time. I have seen a lawyer but can't seem to go through with it. I hope after today I will be able to go give her some money without chickening out.

I can see him quoting his good job just not to pay me, he's that hateful. Then the lawyers would have to be involved. I guess I need to decide which headache do I want.

Thanks for the encouragement.

AnvilheadII

how about if you look at it thru a different filter....what is BEST for the children? what will give them the most peace and security in a healthy supporting environment?

lillamy

Well -- then you can deal with that when that happens. And most judges weren't born yesterday. In some cases, child support/alimony is computed not on what he's actually earning, but on what his earning POTENTIAL is.

BUT that's really sort of beside the point. Because here's the deal: Either you're desperate enough to get out that you're ready to take the financial hit -- or you're not. And that's OK. There's nothing that says you have to divorce him. It's your choice. But (and this is the harsh truth that someone here gave me over PM about 8 years ago) if you choose to stay, don't kid yourself: It's your choice to stay. Don't tell yourself you can't do it financially. Of course you can. Women leave men all the time with no financial security because they have no choice. You have a choice. So don't tell yourself you don't. Make your choice and stand up for it.

I have a good friend who married for money and who is in a marriage that makes the hairs on my neck stand up. She keeps a nice smiling upper-class mask on about it, but to me, she says "I knew he was an ass the day I married him but I wanted the lifestyle he could offer me. So I stay because I like to be able to fly to Paris and shop. I don't want to sell my Rolex and be a greeter at Walmart. I'd rather take the abuse." She's unhappy as hell, but she says it's more important for her to have money than anything else.

I made the opposite choice. Not that I was ever filthy rich. But I had a comfortable life. I found so many reasons why it was impossible for me to leave. Until the night AXH threatened to kill us all. Then all of a sudden, the only thing that mattered was to stay alive and keep the kids alive.

I know it sounds drastic. You have no idea how drastic it felt. And you're not in that drastic a situation. Maybe you never will be.

In retrospect, it may have been better for all of us if I had left before it got to that point. But I didn't have the guts to. I just didn't.

If you don't, don't beat yourself up. But also, don't con yourself into thinking you can't. Because you can.

cricket123

Thanks for all the support. I need to hear the tough stuff.

CodeJob

Cricket, do you know which lawyer you want to retain? Make an appointment and just get some information. See if you trust the lawyer. Seeing a lawyer to consider options is not filing for divorce. It might help you plan. Peace and resolve to you.

Ifnotforgrace

I filed my own divorce. No attorney is required. Just a Filing fee. Of course there are also agencies that will help you based on income. Consultations with attorney's are at no charge, and if you are insecure or intimidated by your spouse or the process, it's well worth the money, in fact you can petition that your spouse Pay for the divorce if money is an issue.

Some people have to learn that they have the right to say No. No is a complete sentence. We all have the right not to accept unacceptable behaviors and to set boundaries. If we are inexperienced in saying no, it may be best to begin with "baby steps" and build our self-confidence just like muscle with exercise. Lack of boundaries invites disrespect.

We can start by saying Exactly what we mean, meaning what we say and by not saying it mean. When we are trying to effect outcomes in another's behaviors, we are engaging in a self-defeating process. You can not "make or force" another person to do anything. That is the illusion of control. We can only be responsible for our own actions and we can not base our happiness on the actions or inactions of another. If we do we loose our individuality, as well as our identity and are only happy IF the other person is happy.

Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. If you want different results than you have been getting, you will have to DO different and that will always take you out of your comfort zone of "the familiar".

You have to ask yourself the tough questions and most importantly be HONEST with yourself. If you are staying with a person just because of finances..that is the equivalent of selling yourself (services) just to have a roof over your head and food to eat, which makes your marriage a "job" rather than a relationship of choice, & it gives the paying spouse power over you 24/7.

If you are staying out of "fear" of being alone, that is indicative of co-dependent behavior and a poor self-esteem which is not uncommon. Most A's hook up with co-dependents it is a natural draw for dysfunctional relationships. Each one feeds the other. Until the codependent resolves those personal issues it is likely they will seek out another unhealthy attachment as anything else has a tendency to feel "foreign" to them.

The first step is honesly. You say you have the logic. Ask yourself WHY you stay and the real answer is NOT b/c "I hope they will change". You can always leave, and IF/when they change resume the relationship. Identify your issues and work on improving those-regardless of what "he" does. Practice detachment in the meantime. Someone suggested Al-anon. That's a great idea whether you stay or go. They can give you the tools and coping skills that will aide you either way, but just like AA, you gotta want it.

fluffyflea

You probably already have a backbone, you just have a lot of fears around this. Need to work through the fears probably. And/or when you,ve had enough it will be enough and you'll take action.

dandylion

Cricket---it is not unusual, at all, to have fears about the future--fear of the, as yet, "unknown". Most of us go through it with shaking knees!!...LOL.

I think face-to-face support is what you are badly needing, right now. You do have a backbone--or you wouldn't have gotten as far as you already have. You just need a little retreading of the one you already have. Alanon is the place that you can go to get this retreading done. Cricket--you will be shocked (and very pleased) at how good alanon is at facilitating this!! (OMG! I am starting to sound like Hammer,,,,).

You can do this. Please stop thinking that you can't. We tend to believe what we "tell" ourselves. Start telling yourself that you CAN do it.

Keep posting.......

sincerely,
dandylion

JustAGirl1971

This is so true. My AH is leaving in 2 weeks, Cricket. I have spent all of my adult life with this man. To say that it's scary is a massive understatement. I've actually started having panic attacks over this decision. Financially, I'm not ready. I started saving... but then I'd find out about some other financial obligation he was behind on (read "we" since we are married), and the savings would be used for that crisis. Just happened again in Jan with the $1k I had saved up as an emergency fund for when he leaves. Now, I will have approximately $500 in savings, an emergency credit card, and worst case, my 401k (for a loan.) Yes, I could keep waiting... but for me, it seems like the longer I wait, the further behind financially I get? It's scary. I have my plan in place and have a source of extra income that will start in March to help bridge the gap between what I have and what I need to pay. I know I will not receive child support from him. Yes, I know legally he's required to pay but he's working in a very low paying job making a fraction of what he use to make. I am making plans based on my own income and that is it. Yes, that means adjusting my lifestyle in whatever capacity is needed. I'll figure it out. I have faith in myself (& my God.)

It is scary, Cricket. When you're ready, you will know it. Like lilimay said, you'll do it regardless of the sacrifices you'll have to make. I am scared but the only way past my fear is through it. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

You CAN do this.

Also, I agree with dandylion. Al-anon has been so helpful to me. I'm not sure I would have been able to ask him to leave without alanon.

spiderqueen

Hi Cricket-
Have you made a budget for yourself? It may be that with some lifestyle adjustments you can manage fine on your own income, and then you could eliminate this fear from the list.

(Inspired by JustaGirl's quote above)

Hammer

oh no, Hammer is MUCH MORE Psycho than that.

I have met that guy.

Let me train this up a little . . .

Full Hammer-Time would be pulling the Traditions down off the wall, circling and high-lighting and sentence diagramming #7.

All while chanting like a Holy Roller Brother Man Preacher winding up on Sunday Morning.

WE Practice THESE Principles in ALL Our Affairs . . .

ALL our Affairs.

Tradition #7.

Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions

Fully Self-Supporting. hmmmm. FULLY Self-Supporting.

Hoping on Alimony from an Alcoholic . . . ain't really too Self-Supporting -- nor Too Wise.

[by now, Brother Preacher Man Hammer's hands are waving in the air like he is having a Jesus-Super-Sized-Triple-Cheese-Burger-Heart-Attack]

Do not put your trust, your fate, nor your future in the hands of Lawyers.

-- INSTEAD --

Put your trust, your fate, and your future in the hands of the LORD.

There.

Follow the difference?


====================

mkay. I follow some folks do not care for the Holy Rollin.

So I will put back on my thick glasses, safety glasses, and FRC (fire resistant clothing) jump suit.

Want the Science?

Look at the folks here who are on the "Got Lawyer" Path.

and

Look at the folks here who are on the "Got God" Path.

Scientifically Speaking . . . . which path you wanta be on?

hopeful4

You know what, people can get it together and are amazingly resourceful when need be. You cannot be scared of the future forever. He could work for the next 5 years then quit. Are you going to just sit here and worry about that for 5 years??

You never know what the future will hold. I agree with hammer, put faith in the Lord. However I also think having a good attorney is only a positive.

I prayed to the Lord for a very long time (and I mean years) to give me clarity about what is right in my life. Without being too spiritual on everyone, I will say that finally one day I listened. I know what is right in my life and what is not, now I am working towards living it out. One day I snapped, just as someone else on this very board had told me I would. That one day I would say enough is enough. I told my AH I wanted a divorce. I tried for years. Then, that day, I did something I have never done before. I gave my AH his life back. I said that he is in charge of what happens in his own life. That I have no intention of living with alcohol in my life or that of my girls. That he will have to fight me for them because enough is enough.

Surprisingly, this set off a reaction in him I did not expect. I do see some change. I do see that he is not drinking. I do see him interacting with out kids, making a big effort. Will it last? Doubt it. However...one thing I know for certain, I have found out what I need and what I WILL not tolerate in my life. I set up boundaries for my children and I that I will keep no matter what. For today, that is enough.

Hugs and God Bless You!

JustAGirl1971

Lol, Hammer. Actually, when I was working on my plan (& revising it and then revising it again, and revising it yet again!) your harping, er, I mean 'friendly' reminders to everyone on self-sufficiency was part of what compelled me to plan based only on my income. Of course, the many posts by people whose partners were behind on child support, helped, too. Especially those posters who, for whatever reason, relied on their EXA's financial support. Ultimately, for me, I realized that if this marriage is going to end, and it appears that it is, I don't want to be shackled to him financially. That's just another area for anger, resentment, and bitterness to sneak in. I've had enough of those emotions! I have no doubt this is the right thing for me to do. I feel a peace about it. Of course it helps that my youngest child is 14...

The one thing I really failed to do (& it shows in the revising of my plan!) is to seek God's guidance on my financial plan. *I* made my plan. Had my budget. AH's failure to meet obligations wiped out my emergency fund. *I* revised my plan, started my emergency fund again. Again, the emergency fund was wiped out by AH's mismanagement of certain obligations. You would have thought that I would have seen the light at that point, right? No, it took THREE times for me to finally get it. Now, I'm committing my financial plan to the best financial adviser for review We will see what He changes.

cricket123

I work on a budget every time I get paid. I think about it all the time. Some how I can't at this point get it under control. No school due to inclement weather. cynical oneCar breaks. Kids needs something house repairs. AH is no help with 90% of these things. My job right at this moment is temporary with a good chance of becoming full time this would have benefits. So with inconstant pay I do what I can.

AH's thought processes is he pays for the house and does any repairs so I should put in just as much as he does financially. He belittles any job I get and thinks I should do something else, it is never good enough for him. (Sorry a little rant)