Hurt
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Hurt
My separated AH comes from a family of an alcoholic father, drug addicted mother and all his siblings are alcoholics themselves. He is the only one who actually admits he has a problem and attempted sobriety and it was only because he was doing it for me and our children and not for himself, Hence the relapse after a year.
We have been separated for a year and a half, a year of which I was fighting my cancer. I thought I was really close with his 2 older sisters and their children, our nieces and nephews. I was always taking care of them, paying for their expenses as needed, taking them places. Now they are into their teens and the whole time I was ill they were nowhere to be found. I had to eventually stop working when I got ill and I guess because I couldnt provide for them anymore, they seemed to disappear...not even so much as texts. Its a sad reality that not only was I being used and manipulated by separated AH, I was being used and manipulated by his entire family...once I couldnt be the aunt who was providing anymore, there was no need for me...of course both his sisters owe me money which have yet to be paid back...not even a thought to pay me back when I was ill when I was struggling financially because I could not work!
Separating from AH was hard enough but I feel like I lost all of them as well. I feel bad for my 5 year old daughter because she loved her cousins, but I guess I just have to deal with the reality...they are dysfunctional beyond repair and no matter what good I tried to do for that family, they want to remain broken. My separated AH once said "stop trying to Brady Bunch my sisters and their kids, it aint gonna happen because at the end of the day my sisters dont teach them respect". I actually feel bad because when my husband was sober, working his program he wanted to stay away from all of them and I didnt understand why. Now I understand. I wish I had respected that boundary a little more.
My good friend told me those kids probably love me but at the end of the day they arent being raised by adults with any respect or morals and I shouldnt be surpised. The only contact my separated AH has with them is when I would initiate it between them.
Detaching from AH is one thing, but I guess I need to work hard on detaching from the insanity of the whole crazy bunch! I dont have a close family of origin myself so I have to just focus on me and my children and thats it...so sad seeing what alcoholism does. It really does ruin families in more ways than one!
We have been separated for a year and a half, a year of which I was fighting my cancer. I thought I was really close with his 2 older sisters and their children, our nieces and nephews. I was always taking care of them, paying for their expenses as needed, taking them places. Now they are into their teens and the whole time I was ill they were nowhere to be found. I had to eventually stop working when I got ill and I guess because I couldnt provide for them anymore, they seemed to disappear...not even so much as texts. Its a sad reality that not only was I being used and manipulated by separated AH, I was being used and manipulated by his entire family...once I couldnt be the aunt who was providing anymore, there was no need for me...of course both his sisters owe me money which have yet to be paid back...not even a thought to pay me back when I was ill when I was struggling financially because I could not work!
Separating from AH was hard enough but I feel like I lost all of them as well. I feel bad for my 5 year old daughter because she loved her cousins, but I guess I just have to deal with the reality...they are dysfunctional beyond repair and no matter what good I tried to do for that family, they want to remain broken. My separated AH once said "stop trying to Brady Bunch my sisters and their kids, it aint gonna happen because at the end of the day my sisters dont teach them respect". I actually feel bad because when my husband was sober, working his program he wanted to stay away from all of them and I didnt understand why. Now I understand. I wish I had respected that boundary a little more.
My good friend told me those kids probably love me but at the end of the day they arent being raised by adults with any respect or morals and I shouldnt be surpised. The only contact my separated AH has with them is when I would initiate it between them.
Detaching from AH is one thing, but I guess I need to work hard on detaching from the insanity of the whole crazy bunch! I dont have a close family of origin myself so I have to just focus on me and my children and thats it...so sad seeing what alcoholism does. It really does ruin families in more ways than one!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
It is sad how alcoholism harms entire families and their dynamics. I'm so sorry about your former sister-in-laws and nieces. It might be a combination of them feeling disloyal to your ex-husband if they maintained a relationship with you. I was on the receiving end of that with some of my ex-husband's friends after the divorce. Plus, teenagers are not the most giving creatures on the planet.
Whatever the reason, it is a shame and I'm sorry it has caused you pain. But, you do know where you stand now, I suppose, and can proceed with a clear knowledge of what you are dealing with.
How are you feeling lately, iamthird? Have you been able to return to work?
Whatever the reason, it is a shame and I'm sorry it has caused you pain. But, you do know where you stand now, I suppose, and can proceed with a clear knowledge of what you are dealing with.
How are you feeling lately, iamthird? Have you been able to return to work?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Hi
I am sorry that you are feeling hurt. It is easier said than done, but I would not take the teens distance personally. Agree with Seren that teens are not the most thoughtful people on earth and if their moms owe you money, they probably don't have the greatest appreciation for money and the cost of things. They might equate money with love, so you just don't know for sure. If they do reach out to you, you might try to establish non-material relationship dynamics, so they don't see you as just a source of money.
When I was a teen, if I had not been prompted by someone, I doubt I would have thought to reach out to a sick adult. Not in a bad way, but in a I would not have thought about it.
Do you reach out to the teens? I missed it if you do.
Not communicating with those people might be a blessing in disguise since you are separated from ah. It might help break the bond and that could be a good thing long term. In the future perhaps a relationship could be re-established without ah in the mix.
Hugs and feel better
BTW, after my exA split, I was dropped like a hot potato by all of ah's friends. Many I had been friends with for over 10 years separately from him. However, he has known them his whole life, so he got them. It hurt me too, but I am okay with it now.
I am sorry that you are feeling hurt. It is easier said than done, but I would not take the teens distance personally. Agree with Seren that teens are not the most thoughtful people on earth and if their moms owe you money, they probably don't have the greatest appreciation for money and the cost of things. They might equate money with love, so you just don't know for sure. If they do reach out to you, you might try to establish non-material relationship dynamics, so they don't see you as just a source of money.
When I was a teen, if I had not been prompted by someone, I doubt I would have thought to reach out to a sick adult. Not in a bad way, but in a I would not have thought about it.
Do you reach out to the teens? I missed it if you do.
Not communicating with those people might be a blessing in disguise since you are separated from ah. It might help break the bond and that could be a good thing long term. In the future perhaps a relationship could be re-established without ah in the mix.
Hugs and feel better
BTW, after my exA split, I was dropped like a hot potato by all of ah's friends. Many I had been friends with for over 10 years separately from him. However, he has known them his whole life, so he got them. It hurt me too, but I am okay with it now.
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I'm sorry for all your losses, iamthird, your AH husband and the family connections, all the hopes you had for genuine roots with them all.
It is the nature of children to be self-centered, and I do not mean that negatively, it is just that it takes many years of maturity to grow out of the natural self-centeredness of childhood. And most children do not see the bigger picture, and they rarely give much thought to the adults in their lives if those adults are not their caregivers. I hope you won't be too hurt if your nieces and nephews seem to "forget" you. When they grow up, some may circle back to contact you and re-establish connection.
As for the in-laws, the sisters of the AH: you are building a healthy life now, you are creating a new life with good people who do not bring you down, and after the battle for your health you have fought, you have a right to protect your mind and your body from people who drain you.
I, too, think of people in my past who I had to let go because they were not good for me. Sometimes I ended the relationship, sometimes they did (which was my higher power allowing that for my own good). When I sit down and think it through, running it through my mind what the relationship was really like, and what it would continue to have been, I feel relief that the person is gone. Because I was always a "nice girl," there is a part of me that wants to think I should have been able to make every friendship or family relationship work. But I would rather be realistic than delusional! Being delusional has gotten me into a whole mess of trouble in the past, which is why I am on SR!
It is the nature of children to be self-centered, and I do not mean that negatively, it is just that it takes many years of maturity to grow out of the natural self-centeredness of childhood. And most children do not see the bigger picture, and they rarely give much thought to the adults in their lives if those adults are not their caregivers. I hope you won't be too hurt if your nieces and nephews seem to "forget" you. When they grow up, some may circle back to contact you and re-establish connection.
As for the in-laws, the sisters of the AH: you are building a healthy life now, you are creating a new life with good people who do not bring you down, and after the battle for your health you have fought, you have a right to protect your mind and your body from people who drain you.
I, too, think of people in my past who I had to let go because they were not good for me. Sometimes I ended the relationship, sometimes they did (which was my higher power allowing that for my own good). When I sit down and think it through, running it through my mind what the relationship was really like, and what it would continue to have been, I feel relief that the person is gone. Because I was always a "nice girl," there is a part of me that wants to think I should have been able to make every friendship or family relationship work. But I would rather be realistic than delusional! Being delusional has gotten me into a whole mess of trouble in the past, which is why I am on SR!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by Raider 
Ahhhhhhh we all aren't people users Hammer.....
Should probably be qualified with "some" or maybe "many."
The concept is more directed towards the Codie-Alanon types.
We really just cannot "get it" until it is spelled out at about a 1st Grade Level.
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you can certainly build NEW family....an eclectic assorted collection of people that bring good things to your life, and that you respect and care for. it just won't be the Crazy Bunch. which is a good thing!
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