Phonecalls and Distance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
Phonecalls and Distance
Hi everyone
I am in the position where I put distance between myself and my alcoholic father. Our relationship is almost non-existent now and he is very sick, still in denial about his problems and makes me stressed and uncomfortable to talk to him. I can't move on from the past and how he has made me feel and the knock on effect of his behaviours and actions so I keep my distance and avoid more pain...
But recently I stuck to some phonecalls as a compromise. He is not happy with that and I'm sure he has no idea why I'm keeping so much distance (oh denial is a scary thing) but it keeps him at a distance from me and I am in control somewhat.
I need that control and a way of being able to remove myself from the situation. Recently, I called (and I only really do it for his benefit and for my step mum as I don't need them in my life anymore - sounds cruel but it is true) and he said some things that hurt me but he always finds a way to put me down and say things that are insensitive and hurtful.
I choose not to tell him a lot because in the past it has come to mean that they are brought up and used against me or in subconscious manipulation so tonight he called and ranted about himself and then eventually said enough about him, how was I? This is rare recently as usually he ignores that question since I sat him down and told him how his alcoholism and behaviour over the years caused me mental health issues and much distress etc. Still waiting for a recognition of that conversation but I know it will never come - he chose alcohol and his own issues over me a long time ago. But tonight he asked if I'd done anything recently. As I choose to tell him only the bare minimum, he said why am I not going out? Why am I not going out for a few drinks or meeting people? Etc. granted I'm not out every night as I work and have limited income but I socialise and am making plans to go away and see my friends etc. I said he needn't worry about me as I'm fine. He said he does and is convinced I sit in that flat of mine every night...
He has no right. I was put through so much and even lost any will to socialise due to depression and am slowly getting back into the swing of living again. He can't go through a phonecall without finding some way to insult or say something edgy and like a dig at my life. I left to live with my mum as I had to get away from him. He can't stand it. I am more content with her (and when I lived alone) than I ever was living with him. Sad as he is my father but true.
Does anyone else have a similar situation? I have to sit and take deep breaths at the end of any conversation. I feel so angry and anxious and it always takes me a good while to relax again.
I was forceful at the end of the conversation saying I am absolutely fine and he has no need to worry because I look after myself. You can hear he hates that. Maybe because he has no control anymore. He has no say in my life. He may worry like a father but he stopped treating me like a daughter a long time ago: I was a crutch, a person to shout at and offload onto, a scapegoat and in the end I wasn't important enough for him to seek help and accept his issues. He lost me and still can't find the decency to ask nicely how I am and then ask normal questions about my life. He has to undermine it and he does it every single time we talk on the phone and this is the only contact we have nowadays.
It is so hard. Does anyone have any wisdom or just soothing words. How can a phonecall make me shake and feel anxious? I guess it just reminds me of how I felt when I was in the middle of it all- those feelings of discomfort and anxiety never really go away do they?
I am in the position where I put distance between myself and my alcoholic father. Our relationship is almost non-existent now and he is very sick, still in denial about his problems and makes me stressed and uncomfortable to talk to him. I can't move on from the past and how he has made me feel and the knock on effect of his behaviours and actions so I keep my distance and avoid more pain...
But recently I stuck to some phonecalls as a compromise. He is not happy with that and I'm sure he has no idea why I'm keeping so much distance (oh denial is a scary thing) but it keeps him at a distance from me and I am in control somewhat.
I need that control and a way of being able to remove myself from the situation. Recently, I called (and I only really do it for his benefit and for my step mum as I don't need them in my life anymore - sounds cruel but it is true) and he said some things that hurt me but he always finds a way to put me down and say things that are insensitive and hurtful.
I choose not to tell him a lot because in the past it has come to mean that they are brought up and used against me or in subconscious manipulation so tonight he called and ranted about himself and then eventually said enough about him, how was I? This is rare recently as usually he ignores that question since I sat him down and told him how his alcoholism and behaviour over the years caused me mental health issues and much distress etc. Still waiting for a recognition of that conversation but I know it will never come - he chose alcohol and his own issues over me a long time ago. But tonight he asked if I'd done anything recently. As I choose to tell him only the bare minimum, he said why am I not going out? Why am I not going out for a few drinks or meeting people? Etc. granted I'm not out every night as I work and have limited income but I socialise and am making plans to go away and see my friends etc. I said he needn't worry about me as I'm fine. He said he does and is convinced I sit in that flat of mine every night...
He has no right. I was put through so much and even lost any will to socialise due to depression and am slowly getting back into the swing of living again. He can't go through a phonecall without finding some way to insult or say something edgy and like a dig at my life. I left to live with my mum as I had to get away from him. He can't stand it. I am more content with her (and when I lived alone) than I ever was living with him. Sad as he is my father but true.
Does anyone else have a similar situation? I have to sit and take deep breaths at the end of any conversation. I feel so angry and anxious and it always takes me a good while to relax again.
I was forceful at the end of the conversation saying I am absolutely fine and he has no need to worry because I look after myself. You can hear he hates that. Maybe because he has no control anymore. He has no say in my life. He may worry like a father but he stopped treating me like a daughter a long time ago: I was a crutch, a person to shout at and offload onto, a scapegoat and in the end I wasn't important enough for him to seek help and accept his issues. He lost me and still can't find the decency to ask nicely how I am and then ask normal questions about my life. He has to undermine it and he does it every single time we talk on the phone and this is the only contact we have nowadays.
It is so hard. Does anyone have any wisdom or just soothing words. How can a phonecall make me shake and feel anxious? I guess it just reminds me of how I felt when I was in the middle of it all- those feelings of discomfort and anxiety never really go away do they?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
He didn't choose anything over you sweetie,
He is an alcoholic, alcohol is King to an alcoholic.
I'm wondering if you have been to alanon????
Your feelings are real, and valid, he will never be able to help with your feelings, as long as he is active. That is your work.
Sometimes, when it comes to our parents, we have to try and make sure, that when they go, we have no regrets.
He is an alcoholic, alcohol is King to an alcoholic.
I'm wondering if you have been to alanon????
Your feelings are real, and valid, he will never be able to help with your feelings, as long as he is active. That is your work.
Sometimes, when it comes to our parents, we have to try and make sure, that when they go, we have no regrets.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Enough about him, how are YOU?
A drunk seeks to justify drinking by attacking those who don't and belittling lifestyles that don't involve "going out" - i.e., drinking. Again, to justify their own choices. My AXH did it and his A friends and family did it.
A drunk seeks to justify drinking by attacking those who don't and belittling lifestyles that don't involve "going out" - i.e., drinking. Again, to justify their own choices. My AXH did it and his A friends and family did it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Bothsidesnow,
I'm sorry you were so upset by the phone call with your father, but it sounds to me like you handled yourself quite well. I wanted to share something with you from our Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum that I thought you might find helpful:
Have you ever tried finding comfort and support in attending ACA meetings either in person or on-line? There is also a lot more 'stickied' information in our Adult Children forum.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope you are feeling a bit better now!
I'm sorry you were so upset by the phone call with your father, but it sounds to me like you handled yourself quite well. I wanted to share something with you from our Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum that I thought you might find helpful:
Personal Bill of Rights for Adult Children
1. I have a right to all those good times that I have longed for all these years and didn’t get.
2. I have a right to joy in this life, right here, right now — not just a momentary rush of euphoria but something more substantive.
3. I have a right to relax and have fun in a nonalcoholic and nondestructive way.
4. I have a right to actively pursue people, places, and situations that will help me in achieving a good life.
5. I have the right to say no whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not ready.
6. I have a right to not participate in either the active or passive “crazy-making” behavior of parents, of siblings, and of others.
7. I have a right to take calculated risks and to experiment with new strategies.
8. I have a right to change my tune, my strategy, and my funny equations.
9. I have a right to “mess up”; to make mistakes, to “blow it”, to disappoint myself, and to fall short of the mark.
10. I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, including my alcoholic parent, my nonalcoholic parent, or any other member of my family.
11. I have a right to put an end to conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.
12. I have a right to all my feelings.
13. I have a right to trust my feelings, my judgment, my hunches, my intuition.
14. I have a right to develop myself as a whole person emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and psychologically.
15. I have a right to express all my feelings in a nondestructive way and at a safe time and place.
16. I have a right to as much time as I need to experiment with this new information and these new ideas and to initiate changes in my life.
17. I have a right to sort out the bill of goods my parents sold me — to take the acceptable and dump the unacceptable.
18. I have a right to a mentally healthy, sane way of existence, though it will deviate in part, or all, from my parents' prescribed philosophy of life.
19. I have a right to carve out my place in this world.
20. I have a right to follow any of the above rights, to live my life the way I want to, and not wait until my alcoholic parent gets well, gets happy, seeks help, or admits there is a problem
originally from 12steps.net
1. I have a right to all those good times that I have longed for all these years and didn’t get.
2. I have a right to joy in this life, right here, right now — not just a momentary rush of euphoria but something more substantive.
3. I have a right to relax and have fun in a nonalcoholic and nondestructive way.
4. I have a right to actively pursue people, places, and situations that will help me in achieving a good life.
5. I have the right to say no whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not ready.
6. I have a right to not participate in either the active or passive “crazy-making” behavior of parents, of siblings, and of others.
7. I have a right to take calculated risks and to experiment with new strategies.
8. I have a right to change my tune, my strategy, and my funny equations.
9. I have a right to “mess up”; to make mistakes, to “blow it”, to disappoint myself, and to fall short of the mark.
10. I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, including my alcoholic parent, my nonalcoholic parent, or any other member of my family.
11. I have a right to put an end to conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.
12. I have a right to all my feelings.
13. I have a right to trust my feelings, my judgment, my hunches, my intuition.
14. I have a right to develop myself as a whole person emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and psychologically.
15. I have a right to express all my feelings in a nondestructive way and at a safe time and place.
16. I have a right to as much time as I need to experiment with this new information and these new ideas and to initiate changes in my life.
17. I have a right to sort out the bill of goods my parents sold me — to take the acceptable and dump the unacceptable.
18. I have a right to a mentally healthy, sane way of existence, though it will deviate in part, or all, from my parents' prescribed philosophy of life.
19. I have a right to carve out my place in this world.
20. I have a right to follow any of the above rights, to live my life the way I want to, and not wait until my alcoholic parent gets well, gets happy, seeks help, or admits there is a problem
originally from 12steps.net
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope you are feeling a bit better now!
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