I know there is a question in here somewhere !
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
I know there is a question in here somewhere !
So he's been sober and going to meetings for a couple of months. Its almost time to cross my fingers and start calling him RABF or RAP(partner) or maybe even RAF(fiance).
I'm doing well. I'm going to AlAnon , trying to do some early basic step work,reading my readings and trying to have lots of "stuff" in my life that doesn't center on him or what he is up to. I'm actually relatively happy.
What I can't determine is how much of this positivism is down to me trying to look after my side of the street and how much is just about me doing okay because he is doing okay.
I read about other people's As relapsing and I feel my eyes fill up with tears wondering what sort of mess I would/will be if/when it happens to me. I wonder if the very best my future has to offer is waiting for a relapse.
Codie me fights "getting better" me all day long. He has had some really positive job interviews recently. I find myself worrying more about whether he will make his meeting on these days than whether he will get the job. Ughh. The other night he said he worried about working again and having a pocket full of money. It took all I had to say "hmmm you could take that to a meeting" rather than offer 101 Jessie solutions (like paying wages straight into my bank !) That means I'm getting better right? Right?
I am grateful he is trying. Its just weird that we both started trying to get better at the same time and now I'm back to struggling with whats about him and whats about me.
I'm doing well. I'm going to AlAnon , trying to do some early basic step work,reading my readings and trying to have lots of "stuff" in my life that doesn't center on him or what he is up to. I'm actually relatively happy.
What I can't determine is how much of this positivism is down to me trying to look after my side of the street and how much is just about me doing okay because he is doing okay.
I read about other people's As relapsing and I feel my eyes fill up with tears wondering what sort of mess I would/will be if/when it happens to me. I wonder if the very best my future has to offer is waiting for a relapse.
Codie me fights "getting better" me all day long. He has had some really positive job interviews recently. I find myself worrying more about whether he will make his meeting on these days than whether he will get the job. Ughh. The other night he said he worried about working again and having a pocket full of money. It took all I had to say "hmmm you could take that to a meeting" rather than offer 101 Jessie solutions (like paying wages straight into my bank !) That means I'm getting better right? Right?
I am grateful he is trying. Its just weird that we both started trying to get better at the same time and now I'm back to struggling with whats about him and whats about me.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
That you recognize the struggle and when you are drifting over to his side of the street is a big step forward, JJ. Being present and aware of what you are feeling is still part of that big first A: "Awareness".
You are not "trying" to get better. You are, in fact, just plain ol' getting better.
You are not "trying" to get better. You are, in fact, just plain ol' getting better.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Yep, I understand, alright. I have the same concern about myself. I'm making progress, but my A is also in recovery, so would I be doing this well if he was NOT?
Well, back around Thanksgiving, I found another "secret" bank withdrawal, same as he used to make when drinking so there would be no credit card paper trail leading to the liquor stores. I was pretty damn unhappy about this--but I reacted differently than I would have 6 or 8 months earlier. I guess, based on that, I get to claim at least some of the progress as real and all mine, regardless of what he does or doesn't do...
It's tough, though, isn't it? You want to feel happy about how well things are going, how much you've learned, but yet you feel like it's not "real" unless it's withstood a trial by fire--but who wants that trial to happen? We all pray for it NOT to happen...
Even when we're happy and doing well, we still don't really trust it. And that's kind of the bottom line for me--the good things I don't trust will be real or last, the bad things I assume are permanent and true.
Not sure what I'm really trying to say here, JJ, other than I hear you and often feel the same as you.
Well, back around Thanksgiving, I found another "secret" bank withdrawal, same as he used to make when drinking so there would be no credit card paper trail leading to the liquor stores. I was pretty damn unhappy about this--but I reacted differently than I would have 6 or 8 months earlier. I guess, based on that, I get to claim at least some of the progress as real and all mine, regardless of what he does or doesn't do...
It's tough, though, isn't it? You want to feel happy about how well things are going, how much you've learned, but yet you feel like it's not "real" unless it's withstood a trial by fire--but who wants that trial to happen? We all pray for it NOT to happen...
Even when we're happy and doing well, we still don't really trust it. And that's kind of the bottom line for me--the good things I don't trust will be real or last, the bad things I assume are permanent and true.
Not sure what I'm really trying to say here, JJ, other than I hear you and often feel the same as you.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
My H is not abstaining, but I can just imagine the fear if he was trying to, wondering if he was going to relapse and when. It's future tripping, and it's a real mind *mess*.
I've been on this forum long enough to just start getting plain honest. No more sugar coating.
There's no end to the codie "White knuckling" it. It sure can get better, and the reaction should a relapse occur can get much better, but it never goes away entirely for the spouse of a drinker. There's detachment, but there's never no adverse reaction. That would be not caring, and the only people who have successful reached that point are separated forever.
I think it helps to acknowledge that as truth. That realization can be a stepping stone to the next step to empowering yourself. It's always going to be there, so then what? He can always relapse, forever...so then what do you do until he does or doesn't, while part of your mind never lets go of the fear anticipating a relapse? Darnit, we all have to admit first off that if they're drinking today, or even might pick up tomorrow, it affects us and always will. There is no true detachment. Not in a spousal relationship.
Get into your own *stuff*. By stuff, I mean whatever makes you tick, makes you thrive, gets you so interested in something that you are the one who can't stop what you're doing to make dinner, or answer a phone call, or whatever. Find your passions, get very involved with them. The more involved you are with your own passions and life that aren't a part of him, the more you have strength from other sources besides this relationship.
I think the key here is to lean less on the relationship for happiness, and more on other sources of happiness.
I've been on this forum long enough to just start getting plain honest. No more sugar coating.
There's no end to the codie "White knuckling" it. It sure can get better, and the reaction should a relapse occur can get much better, but it never goes away entirely for the spouse of a drinker. There's detachment, but there's never no adverse reaction. That would be not caring, and the only people who have successful reached that point are separated forever.
I think it helps to acknowledge that as truth. That realization can be a stepping stone to the next step to empowering yourself. It's always going to be there, so then what? He can always relapse, forever...so then what do you do until he does or doesn't, while part of your mind never lets go of the fear anticipating a relapse? Darnit, we all have to admit first off that if they're drinking today, or even might pick up tomorrow, it affects us and always will. There is no true detachment. Not in a spousal relationship.
Get into your own *stuff*. By stuff, I mean whatever makes you tick, makes you thrive, gets you so interested in something that you are the one who can't stop what you're doing to make dinner, or answer a phone call, or whatever. Find your passions, get very involved with them. The more involved you are with your own passions and life that aren't a part of him, the more you have strength from other sources besides this relationship.
I think the key here is to lean less on the relationship for happiness, and more on other sources of happiness.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Great post BlueSkies!
I will say a couple of things. One is that I hate to rain on your parade, but a couple of months is not a very long time. I say that with care for you, not malice for him.
He is new enough in his recovery to voice being worried about having money. While it is good he admits that, it is still a concern of someone very new in recovery. I believe a person should sit back and watch the behavior of an addict over the long term (I mean a year or more), before any serious committments with them. My AH went to rehab and relapsed after more than a year sober.
It is good that you are working on your own recovery. I am not saying don't give him a chance, just proceed with extreme caution. Marriage is a very serious committment and the last thing you want for yourself is to be married to an addict.
Keep your side of the street clean and watch and see what he does with his side. These are of course just my opinion. Only you can make decisions for you.
Have a great weekend!
I will say a couple of things. One is that I hate to rain on your parade, but a couple of months is not a very long time. I say that with care for you, not malice for him.
He is new enough in his recovery to voice being worried about having money. While it is good he admits that, it is still a concern of someone very new in recovery. I believe a person should sit back and watch the behavior of an addict over the long term (I mean a year or more), before any serious committments with them. My AH went to rehab and relapsed after more than a year sober.
It is good that you are working on your own recovery. I am not saying don't give him a chance, just proceed with extreme caution. Marriage is a very serious committment and the last thing you want for yourself is to be married to an addict.
Keep your side of the street clean and watch and see what he does with his side. These are of course just my opinion. Only you can make decisions for you.
Have a great weekend!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
Thanks all
Hopeful thank you and please know its much more of a quiet shuffle down the sidewalk than a parade. We cancelled wedding plans for this summer last year and I came very close to leaving. I'm in no hurry to set a new date.
Hopeful thank you and please know its much more of a quiet shuffle down the sidewalk than a parade. We cancelled wedding plans for this summer last year and I came very close to leaving. I'm in no hurry to set a new date.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sigh of relief! I think you are doing a great job! I truly did not mean any disrespect at all, it just breaks my heart when people jump in too fast. That was my own past mistake after rehab, I am most likely oversensitive to it!
Originally Posted by jessicajoe 
Thanks all
Hopeful thank you and please know its much more of a quiet shuffle down the sidewalk than a parade. We cancelled wedding plans for this summer last year and I came very close to leaving. I'm in no hurry to set a new date.
Hopeful thank you and please know its much more of a quiet shuffle down the sidewalk than a parade. We cancelled wedding plans for this summer last year and I came very close to leaving. I'm in no hurry to set a new date.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I agree that when you see yourself crossing the street & take a moment to step back & assess before proceeding, that's great progress in your recovery.
I worried about this too so when it happened to me I was relieved to find that instead of freaking out, I felt like I handled it like a Rock Star.
Yes, during the relapse I had many issues that needed to be sorted out BUT none of them could have been predicted ahead of time so I could have been no better prepared for it had I spent months & years ahead of time worrying. If I had been codie-ing out and really putting myself into the middle of RAH's business I would most definitely have seen the relapse coming, it likely would have been ugly between us & I would have stopped the natural consequences of his decisions from impacting him. Which likely would have impacted the way he re-approached sobriety following the relapse & ultimately his commitment to sobriety now. All. His. Decisions.
What it came down to for me was having myself in a place where I had taken care of me & DD ahead of time so that I wasn't reacting emotionally to him - especially since he was nothing BUT emotions. It would have been easy to get sucked right back in to the intensity of the moment.
You know in movies when shots are fired & the character who is unharmed looks stunned, then closely examines their body for bullet holes, running their hands over their limbs, etc. because they have to be SURE they weren't hit? That's how it was for me.
RAH relapsed, I stood back & assessed - Was I really hit? No - I was hurt, but not hit. I had an emergency cash stash & had separated RAH from my financial accounts before this event so I had time to develop a plan. I have a network of friends & family that I can reach out to for support without judgement (& they were a godsend). I had all of you here at SR to help me talk through the crisis moments.
I trusted in myself enough to know that his bad decision was not my fault, I could not control it happening & it didn't impact who I am as a person. I had trust in myself that whatever troubles tomorrow brings, I would be able to use the proper judgement to make decisions. I already had a pretty good idea of my boundaries so it was more a matter of remembering & enforcing them which freed me up to tackle creating new boundaries around things I hadn't planned for - like when he called from jail & would get hostile with me. (hadn't ever considered having to deal with that) Click. Not going to sit on the phone & be hassled, sorry. Get it together & call back. Or don't. Whatever.
Since I had healed so much in MY recovery, I still slept pretty well, ate fairly decently, was able to keep DD & I completely on our daily routine without too much of a hiccup. I gave myself extra time to de-stress (naps, spa whatever) and made sure to do a few extra activities with DD so we could spend more time talking it through together, and also giving her plenty of space to process things herself.
Sure I was devastated that he could/would do such a thing & that more & more lies had surfaced. It was difficult but not impossible. My calm actually freaked out some of my friends/family (mostly my mom) who are in less healthy places right now because they just couldn't understand how I wasn't running around constantly trying to "fix" everything. I kept hearing phrases from the board resonating in my head, "don't just do something, stand there!" etc.
Staying calm also forced him to REALLY SEE me in a different light - he fully expected me to share every bit of his fear & shame & took it very personally when I didn't crumble alongside him, fighting on his behalf. He got to see the net gain of MY recovery vs. his in a way I could never have verbalized to him, ever. Since I refused to play that tug-of-war with him, he had only himself to fight with & maybe for the first time, truly understood how much of his recovery is down to him.
IDK exactly, but I know he has expressed that SOMETHING changed for him when he realized it was ALL him - he put himself there, isolated himself with his lies, had ignored the "working" part of working his program & had no excuses, resources, or way to blameshift to anyone or anything around him any longer.
On the opposite end of things, I wasn't wallowing as he found himself doing. I was living. Both of us were impacted by the same events but had totally different experiences.
I read about other people's As relapsing and I feel my eyes fill up with tears wondering what sort of mess I would/will be if/when it happens to me. I wonder if the very best my future has to offer is waiting for a relapse.
Yes, during the relapse I had many issues that needed to be sorted out BUT none of them could have been predicted ahead of time so I could have been no better prepared for it had I spent months & years ahead of time worrying. If I had been codie-ing out and really putting myself into the middle of RAH's business I would most definitely have seen the relapse coming, it likely would have been ugly between us & I would have stopped the natural consequences of his decisions from impacting him. Which likely would have impacted the way he re-approached sobriety following the relapse & ultimately his commitment to sobriety now. All. His. Decisions.
What it came down to for me was having myself in a place where I had taken care of me & DD ahead of time so that I wasn't reacting emotionally to him - especially since he was nothing BUT emotions. It would have been easy to get sucked right back in to the intensity of the moment.
You know in movies when shots are fired & the character who is unharmed looks stunned, then closely examines their body for bullet holes, running their hands over their limbs, etc. because they have to be SURE they weren't hit? That's how it was for me.
RAH relapsed, I stood back & assessed - Was I really hit? No - I was hurt, but not hit. I had an emergency cash stash & had separated RAH from my financial accounts before this event so I had time to develop a plan. I have a network of friends & family that I can reach out to for support without judgement (& they were a godsend). I had all of you here at SR to help me talk through the crisis moments.
I trusted in myself enough to know that his bad decision was not my fault, I could not control it happening & it didn't impact who I am as a person. I had trust in myself that whatever troubles tomorrow brings, I would be able to use the proper judgement to make decisions. I already had a pretty good idea of my boundaries so it was more a matter of remembering & enforcing them which freed me up to tackle creating new boundaries around things I hadn't planned for - like when he called from jail & would get hostile with me. (hadn't ever considered having to deal with that) Click. Not going to sit on the phone & be hassled, sorry. Get it together & call back. Or don't. Whatever.
Since I had healed so much in MY recovery, I still slept pretty well, ate fairly decently, was able to keep DD & I completely on our daily routine without too much of a hiccup. I gave myself extra time to de-stress (naps, spa whatever) and made sure to do a few extra activities with DD so we could spend more time talking it through together, and also giving her plenty of space to process things herself.
Sure I was devastated that he could/would do such a thing & that more & more lies had surfaced. It was difficult but not impossible. My calm actually freaked out some of my friends/family (mostly my mom) who are in less healthy places right now because they just couldn't understand how I wasn't running around constantly trying to "fix" everything. I kept hearing phrases from the board resonating in my head, "don't just do something, stand there!" etc.
Staying calm also forced him to REALLY SEE me in a different light - he fully expected me to share every bit of his fear & shame & took it very personally when I didn't crumble alongside him, fighting on his behalf. He got to see the net gain of MY recovery vs. his in a way I could never have verbalized to him, ever. Since I refused to play that tug-of-war with him, he had only himself to fight with & maybe for the first time, truly understood how much of his recovery is down to him.
IDK exactly, but I know he has expressed that SOMETHING changed for him when he realized it was ALL him - he put himself there, isolated himself with his lies, had ignored the "working" part of working his program & had no excuses, resources, or way to blameshift to anyone or anything around him any longer.
On the opposite end of things, I wasn't wallowing as he found himself doing. I was living. Both of us were impacted by the same events but had totally different experiences.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
The more involved you are with your own passions and life that aren't a part of him, the more you have strength from other sources besides this relationship.
I think the key here is to lean less on the relationship for happiness, and more on other sources of happiness.
I think the key here is to lean less on the relationship for happiness, and more on other sources of happiness.
However, *I* also need some shared interests that bring happiness with my partner because that's part of what being in a relationship is to me. I need there to be something that we bond over (outside of our kids) in order for there to be strength in that relationship, otherwise we might as well be roommates.
Again, speaking strictly for me, but part of the love & respect we have for each other is built on shared experiences in addition to being able to love each other as the individuals that we are. If we march constantly in different directions, I'm not sure what feeds that commitment to each other as married people. No, life isn't about romanticizing every moment, but if I am going to be MARRIED to someone, I want that to at least be a part of what we are to each other.
I think it's about striking a balance between the two.
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