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5 years sober and relapse

Old 01-30-2014, 01:35 PM
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5 years sober and relapse

The other shoe dropped

Per suggestion I am posting this here too. I know it's one day at a time.

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After 5 years of sobriety my husband started drinking again. I knew from the first drink and I should have trusted my gut instinct but after 5 years I had began to trust him. I am having a pity party for myself right now I know that but I am just so angry. after 27 years together (23 married), you'd think or at least I thought I could trust him again. And I'll be honest I didn't trust him 100% and I knew that relapse was possible but lying. That is my biggest issue. Lying, thinking that the ticks and tells of drink where not there. I asked the night he had his first drink not because I could smell it (thank you neat vodka) but I could see it in his eyes, the facial ticks the change in the colour of his skin. And I had had no cause or gut instinct to ask in over 4 years. I am a forgiving person and I am willing to support but when he lies it kills my heart. And of course he did all the usual blaming everyone else and projecting his guilt onto our family. Alcohol destroyed his first marriage and family I don't want it to destroy this one but I am so angry. I think I need to vent, I need to remind myself I am not a complete nutter, I do know my husband and I know myself. I found this site because I was searching for somewhere I could vent and there were others who understood exactly what I am going through. I have read some of the posts and realized there are others out there feeling what I feel and dealing with the disappointment. It's been about 6 weeks of drinking and almost 48 hours sober for him. I discovered a water bottle with vodka in it by accident. I want to be there for him but I am so angry. I will not enable him. I don't want to go back to our life before rehab. I want to forgive him but above all I want to trust him. Trust comes with time and action.
Just typing this vent and getting it out of my head has helped. I know the next step is to move forward. He is back at AA meetings and thank god for recovering alcoholics who will support him and tell him what is what. Thank you for reading this post and giving support. I know I need to let my anger go, I am trying. Being here, venting and reading other posts reminds me I am not alone. Others do understand.
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Old 01-30-2014, 01:51 PM
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I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Sending you hugs.
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Old 01-30-2014, 01:53 PM
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Well not to bust a bubble but 5 years isn't squat. This is a life long disease . Our sobriety is contingent upon our spiritual condition.

I've wonders on many occasion what goes on when people go back to drinking. First thing I hear they stopped going to meetings!

I believe they quit living the program.

Every morning I say my prayers try and be of service to others and give a thankful prayer at the end of the day. Most importantly I'm grateful to be off the merry go round of drinking.
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Old 01-30-2014, 02:58 PM
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I am sorry you're facing this. My RAH is 4 years sober and my guard is down as well. I can't live being constantly suspicious and you can't either. I agree that the lies are by far the worst part and it takes so long to start trusting them again.

Do you think he's serious about his program or is he doing it to placate you? Be supportive if you want to be, but put yourself first.
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Old 01-30-2014, 03:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Tillymint View Post

He is back at AA meetings and thank god for recovering alcoholics who will support him and tell him what is what.
many who know that they are alcoholic
and have had some good sober time
and then relapse
will return to the Program and take things more seriously this time

Mountainman
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Old 01-30-2014, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000 View Post

Our sobriety is contingent upon our spiritual condition.
wow. Just. wow.

Thank you.

I've wonders on many occasion what goes on when people go back to drinking. First thing I hear they stopped going to meetings
I believe they quit living the program.
yeah. Probably so. About how things went down at our house.

Every morning I say my prayers try and be of service to others and give a thankful prayer at the end of the day. Most importantly I'm grateful to be off the merry go round of drinking.
From your lips to God's ears.

Blessings to you and your family.
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Old 01-30-2014, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Tillymint View Post
but when he lies it kills my heart.
I know that one, friendgirl.

I am so angry. I think I need to vent, I need to remind myself I am not a complete nutter . . . .
Alanon for you? Did not hear that. Just checking.

You are doing good, Tilly.
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Old 01-30-2014, 08:23 PM
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So sorry Tillymint... it is that lying that is so painful isn't it? I am so sorry for your hurt and how you must be feeling. Do you have good friends or anyone who "gets" it who you can talk to? Certainly come here-- this site has been wonderful for me I know...
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Old 01-31-2014, 08:44 AM
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Thank you all. We are not alone in this journey and that has been a saving grace for me. It will be one day at a time. I knew in July 2013 that things were beginning to look "fuzzy". I was researching "dry drunk" because the behaviors were starting to re-appear. My husbands eyes are windows into his soul and his soul was dying. I didn't want to nag or any of the other things I had done in the past. I asked him if he thought an AA meeting might do him good. He assured me he was ok...and he tried his best to control the demon on his own until Thanksgiving. He and only he could decide to go to meetings. I did learn so much from the initial rehab stay.
Last night we went out on a date that has been planned for a while. We had at least 2 hours in the car without our kids and we talked. He admitted that he had avoided the program because he thought he had things under control because he couldn't let the world see he was losing control. He told me that he thought he was smarter than alcohol. And he was ashamed of himself because he failed. He knows that the trust bucket is empty and it will be hard to regain trust. And it will depend on his choices and actions. He plans to do 90 meetings in 90 days.

If I am honest on one hand the relapse was shocking, I honestly believed after 5 years he wouldn't go backwards. On the other hand, I knew that he was struggling and I also knew that relapse was possible. At first I blamed myself and asked if I had done something. I'm glad to say those thoughts were fleeting.

I am praying and so is he. He has a lot of work to do and all I can do is support the process. I may not always like the process but I will support him.
I do have faith that this relapse will cement in his own mind that he can never drink again. It has certainly proved that to me.
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Old 01-31-2014, 09:15 AM
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I am sorry Tillymint. The meetings are good. It is hard to know someone can go so long then relapse. That is life with an addict. You will read on here people being sober for 20 years then relapsing. It's awful but a reality it can happen. It is something only we can decide if we can live with, the knowing it could happen again.

That being said, it is so good you have the knowledge to sit back and let him decide he wants to do this on his own. You are correct, it has to be his decisions.

I know it hurts. We are here with you.
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