cricket123

Questions. Questions, questions

1. What entitlements dose your A have.

Mine thinks I owe him and I let him manipulates me into paying for things that I should not afford. I was left some money from my parents estate and he thinks I should not have it. (He never came out and said that but it feels like it). He thinks I don't earn enough so he should get all of our taxes and decide what to do with any refund(**** it away) he also finds new and improve things to blame me for. (This can be funny for some things I know nothing about)

How has any of you handled this delusional way of thinking without starting another war?

2. I discovered that he has fallen off the wagon again. He is very good at hiding his bottles. But I know his thinking about hiding them and just to validate my suspicions I looked for them and found them. I gave him a list of what I would tolerate with him drinking and asked him again to get help. I have not brought it up again and I think he has stopped for now.

I think i have gotten to the point where it is his problem not mine.

Is this the correct way of detaching? And can I ask if he is going to get help?

3. I think my last question was why is it so hard for an A to forgive? He has been harboring hate for me even after I apologize for the wrongs I have done and I don't think he is capable of forgiveness anymore. Why is this?

marie1960

if I were you I would stash/ invest that inheritance money, and make damn sure he does not have access to it.

Of course it is his problem, but he is making you miserable, so in essence it becomes your problem.

Also his harboring of grudges and hateful ways is nothing more than a way to control you, and currently it is working.

Instead of asking him if he is going to get help, perhaps start taking better care of you, address your needs,

You ask why is this? He is an alcoholic, he is only doing what alcoholics do, this is who is currently is.

HopefulinFLA

If it were me, I would open a bank account in my name only and deposit all of the inheritance money there. I would give him his half of the tax refund and deposit the remaining half (YOUR half in the same account). Even better, can you get away with depositing the entire tax refund in your account?

You just have to look out for #1!

LadyinBC

It just gives us another excuse to keep drinking. In the grand scheme of things that is really our ultimate goal. To keep drinking.

And if you are interfering in that well we will just find a way to keep you down so that you are more concerned about how we react instead of focusing on the positive on yourself. Blame myself??? No way not when there is someone else handy who I can blame for all my problems! We love the blame game.

We usually think everyone owes us and woe is me. You owe this man nothing. It is HIS problem to deal with not yours.

DO NOT let this man have your money under any circumstance.

Fathom

Hugs, Cricket!

All of what you have written is so deeply familiar to me. ALL of this is emotional manipulation and it is impacting YOUR self-esteem. Your post is spilling over with self doubt, and THAT is how he can keep you cornered.

Can I ask why you are worried that he hasn't forgiven you for those things you apologized for? Have you forgiven yourself? I strongly suspect that you have a lot more to forgive of him than the other way around. Honestly, if he isn't in the forgiving mood, then that's on him and you can feel free because you made a good-faith effort to address those wrongs head on. He's just not in a good place to be able to deal with it right now. Why not? Because of #2 - he continues to drink and is not in recovery.

I don't think you have quite reached detachment yet, and I think it's because you are still believing his quacks. My suggestion to you is to re-read all of the Quackers thread - Part 1 and 2! See if you can identify some of these quacks and take control of your own self-esteem again.

Cricket, think about... what are YOU entitled to?

For me, I decided I was entitled to... 1) my own opinions, 2) financial stability, and 3) a general sense of peace and well-being achieved through self-awareness and self-motivated action. I am learning that its my responsibility to make sure that I get these things I believe I'm entitled to in my life.

Peace,
Fathom

FeelingGreat

Hey cricket - stash the money somewhere, it sounds like he's out to rip you off and your money is burning a hole in his pocket.
Seriously, what are you getting out of this relationship?

Seren

Hi cricket,

Well, as you can see by the responses you have received so far....
1) You aren't to blame for his problems, and your inheritance money is just that, your inheritance money--not his.
2) You didn't cause, you can't control, and you can't cure his drinking.
3) Blame is an immature response to the world--he will use any problem he believes he has as an excuse to continue his drinking.

My stepson was the most entitled-feeling alcoholic I've known. He always said that "Everyone says they want to help me but nobody will". Well, help to him meant paying for everything for him: apartment, car, phone, food, gas money, spending money, etc. This from a 30-year-old man.

Sadly, it's not that uncommon...

JustAGirl1971

Cricket, I second depositing the inheritance money into an account in your name only. I also received inheritance money. Initially, it was in an account in my name only; however, when we bought our first house, I used it for a down payment on a joint house. That is considered "commingling" of the funds and, depending on your state, in a divorce, those funds then become JOINT property and are divided between the parties. If, instead, the money is invested in your name only, in most states, the money would remain YOUR property. Depending on the amount, you may want to consult with an attorney on how best to protect those funds.

cricket123

Thanks everyone I should of said the money is in a safe place and is going to stay there. I have even thought of telling him it is gone.

Self esteem I know I lack and I am working on it. It just is a slow process.

What am I getting out of this relationship right now I don't know. When he had long periods of sobriety we did real well. Not perfect but good.

Yes he needs to think of the things he has done to me and acknowledge the wrongs, but his mind is worped.

I know this is not how marriage is suppose to be but I am fighting deep beliefs that I was raised with.

Any more thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Cricket

LadyinBC

Well, I'm going to tell you to think outside the box and for just a moment throw the beliefs out. These things are not always what is good for us, they are someone elses opinion of what we should do.

Take your husband out of the equation. What does Cricket want and what would be good for Cricket? Not what would be good for everyone else, but what would be good for you? Put yourself first and really truly think about it. Be selfish if you have to. You don't have to act on it, just think about it.

Buy yourself a note book and every day answer these 4 questions for the day:

My Blessing: something you are thankful for

My Accomplishment: something small you did for yourself.

My Goal: something small that you need to complete the next day for yourself.

I am: something positive about you.

My counsellor had me do this and you would be surprised how positive this can make you feel. Even if it is something small it helps with the self esteem and you will see yourself grow as the weeks go on.

marie1960

"I know this is not how marriage is suppose to be but I am fighting deep beliefs that I was raised with. " (Cricket123)


Embracing your belief's is a good thing, and you should, it's who you are.

When one partner ceases to honor his vows, the marriage begins to crumble. He is the one making the choice to continue to drink, he is the one who chose to disconnect from life.

IMHO, Accepting the facts of the situation, and allowing him his consequences, does not mean you are failing. You are simply acknowledging the truth. I would rather accept the painful truth, than continue to live a lie.


Often we forget that we also have a duty to Love, honor and respect ourselves.

Hugs to you

AnvilheadII

you are right, this is NOT how a marriage should be. however, it's the one you are in, so that is what you have to figure out and deal with. what you describe is a very control rage filled self absorbed man with a drinking problem. he wants YOUR money, he belittles you for having it and attempts to completely destroy your spirit. he sneaks and lies about his drinking and he takes his internal crap out on you.

there is nothing to try and save here, cricket. you've tried. even when he WAS sober, it was just barely good enough. that's not love. those vows you made....HE made the same ones. and he has violated the terms of the contract he made with you. you are not meant to endure a life of abuse, neglect and lies. you are an adult and you can stand up for yourself and the life you deserve. your children don't have that choice, they are at the mercy of their parents.

you posted this almost EXACTLY two years ago:

How do you handle having everything you do being put under a microscope to be picked apart and being told you are "unbelievable" and not in a positive way? My AH(not drinking for about 1 week now) is either ignoring me or finding fault in things i do mostly parenting. In his eyes I am an terrible parent and makes sure I know what he thinks of me. OH and I handled it badly.