I'm on the right track~but need some support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1
I'm on the right track~but need some support
Hi everyone,
I am new to the forum. I found the forum on accident as I was once again Googling for answers or actually I was looking for other people going through the same thing I am.
I apologize in advance if this gets long, I just need to vent.
First I grew up around alcoholics and I can hardly believe that I married one. What the hell was I thinking?
Three years ago, I met him. I was coming out of a long marriage and he was just there. Like a knight in shining armor. Someone that actually took care of me and showed love so easily. I was aware early in to the relationship that he had a drinking problem. Should have been my first clue but my co-dependent self told my brain that I could fix him and he would change if I cared enough for him.
Anyway, I have left him 3 times and went back each time because he was very convincing that he wanted to quit drinking. But now I see that was only to get me to come back. Manipulation on his part.
The last time I came back, we moved to an entirely different state (Alaska). Again promises from him-he would quit drinking and we would work on us in this new state. Well now I am here and so far removed from anyone, family friends etc and honestly I feel trapped. But I am not one to dwell on problems, I like to solve problems. I have decided to leave him by June 6th, 2014. I am saving money each week to buy a plane ticket and also a small safety net to get into my own place.
I am so mad at myself for believing his lies. I really hate feeling this stupid.
For anyone else out there--I sympathize so much with everything you go through on a day to day basis when you care for an alcoholic. It's been the most painful experience of my life.
With mine, I have dealt with emotional abuse (name calling when he drinks), physical abuse (hands around my throat), feeling alone when he passes out, feeling alone when he falls asleep on the couch and the sexual problems are beyond help.
The thing that hurts the most is that we have a perfect relationship when he is sober and he has seen that himself. But still he chooses to drink and I just don't understand it.
Anyway, I guess what I need is support. I have a few long months ahead of me until I can get out of here. How do I deal with him in the mean time without losing my mind? I hate having to pretend all is well right now, but I think my survival instinct has kicked in because I am trapped due to finances.
Any advice would be appreciated.
I am new to the forum. I found the forum on accident as I was once again Googling for answers or actually I was looking for other people going through the same thing I am.
I apologize in advance if this gets long, I just need to vent.
First I grew up around alcoholics and I can hardly believe that I married one. What the hell was I thinking?
Three years ago, I met him. I was coming out of a long marriage and he was just there. Like a knight in shining armor. Someone that actually took care of me and showed love so easily. I was aware early in to the relationship that he had a drinking problem. Should have been my first clue but my co-dependent self told my brain that I could fix him and he would change if I cared enough for him.
Anyway, I have left him 3 times and went back each time because he was very convincing that he wanted to quit drinking. But now I see that was only to get me to come back. Manipulation on his part.
The last time I came back, we moved to an entirely different state (Alaska). Again promises from him-he would quit drinking and we would work on us in this new state. Well now I am here and so far removed from anyone, family friends etc and honestly I feel trapped. But I am not one to dwell on problems, I like to solve problems. I have decided to leave him by June 6th, 2014. I am saving money each week to buy a plane ticket and also a small safety net to get into my own place.
I am so mad at myself for believing his lies. I really hate feeling this stupid.
For anyone else out there--I sympathize so much with everything you go through on a day to day basis when you care for an alcoholic. It's been the most painful experience of my life.
With mine, I have dealt with emotional abuse (name calling when he drinks), physical abuse (hands around my throat), feeling alone when he passes out, feeling alone when he falls asleep on the couch and the sexual problems are beyond help.
The thing that hurts the most is that we have a perfect relationship when he is sober and he has seen that himself. But still he chooses to drink and I just don't understand it.
Anyway, I guess what I need is support. I have a few long months ahead of me until I can get out of here. How do I deal with him in the mean time without losing my mind? I hate having to pretend all is well right now, but I think my survival instinct has kicked in because I am trapped due to finances.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi insearchofself, this is such a difficult time for you but you are so together, I really admire your planning and resolution. You sound like you are doing this on your own, but I'm sure there will be community resources available if you look for them.
The hands on neck thing is pretty dangerous. Would it upset your plans if you reported him to the police next time he lays hands on you? Can you call a DV helpline and see what resources are available to you if you need to flee to safety? I'm very concerned that he will go too far while under the influence. Apart from that, no-one has the right to lay hands on you.
All the best with your plans, but please remember you may be forced to leave earlier than you counted on, so see if your can work out how to cope with that as well.
The hands on neck thing is pretty dangerous. Would it upset your plans if you reported him to the police next time he lays hands on you? Can you call a DV helpline and see what resources are available to you if you need to flee to safety? I'm very concerned that he will go too far while under the influence. Apart from that, no-one has the right to lay hands on you.
All the best with your plans, but please remember you may be forced to leave earlier than you counted on, so see if your can work out how to cope with that as well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"The thing that hurts the most is that we have a perfect relationship when he is sober ."
^^^this
"With mine, I have dealt with emotional abuse (name calling when he drinks), physical abuse (hands around my throat), feeling alone when he passes out, feeling alone when he falls asleep on the couch and the sexual problems are beyond help."
^^^^^^^ And this
Equals the same person.
IMHO the "perfect" relationship just cannot apply.
This is called denial, and I spent many years in denial also.
I am glad to hear you are starting to put yourself first, and addressing your situation, it's really all any of us can really do when our lives become controlled by an addict.
Abuse is a deal breaker in my book, please keep yourself safe, it is never in your best interest to engage with someone who has the potential to cause you bodily harm.
Hope you continue to come here and vent all you want, we are listening and we understand.
Peace, my friend.
^^^this
"With mine, I have dealt with emotional abuse (name calling when he drinks), physical abuse (hands around my throat), feeling alone when he passes out, feeling alone when he falls asleep on the couch and the sexual problems are beyond help."
^^^^^^^ And this
Equals the same person.
IMHO the "perfect" relationship just cannot apply.
This is called denial, and I spent many years in denial also.
I am glad to hear you are starting to put yourself first, and addressing your situation, it's really all any of us can really do when our lives become controlled by an addict.
Abuse is a deal breaker in my book, please keep yourself safe, it is never in your best interest to engage with someone who has the potential to cause you bodily harm.
Hope you continue to come here and vent all you want, we are listening and we understand.
Peace, my friend.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello insearchofself, Welcome to SR!
I think you describe perfectly the juxtaposition of qualities in many alcoholics. Unfortunately, as Marie stated, you cannot separate the two.
Your husband may have wonderful personality traits, but he is also an abusive alcoholic. For me, abuse is an absolute deal breaker. No one deserves to be abused, and if anyone ever laid a hand on me in violence, that would be the last time they ever had the opportunity.
I hope you will take the time to read this thread. There is a lot of great information about how to protect yourself from abuse and how to make a safety plan.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
So that you have it immediately available to you, here is the national Domestic Violence hotline number. This phone line is staffed 24/7 by warm and wonderful people who can best advise you:
1-800-799-7233
Come back and vent away here any time you need!! Welcome again
I think you describe perfectly the juxtaposition of qualities in many alcoholics. Unfortunately, as Marie stated, you cannot separate the two.
Your husband may have wonderful personality traits, but he is also an abusive alcoholic. For me, abuse is an absolute deal breaker. No one deserves to be abused, and if anyone ever laid a hand on me in violence, that would be the last time they ever had the opportunity.
I hope you will take the time to read this thread. There is a lot of great information about how to protect yourself from abuse and how to make a safety plan.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
So that you have it immediately available to you, here is the national Domestic Violence hotline number. This phone line is staffed 24/7 by warm and wonderful people who can best advise you:
1-800-799-7233
Come back and vent away here any time you need!! Welcome again
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