Suggestions on how to handle a passive aggressive game player
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Earthworm-
Some of this for me has been figuring out what is mine (cause I used to get caught in the game thinking it was all mine).
Once I started to be able to seperate out what was mine (and more importantly not mine).....a number of things came together for me around it.
I still have to check myself sometimes. I have a boss who often blows things out of proportion....and just yesterday I had to make sure/double check that it was not what I said/how I said it....but what he did with it. Once I realized his reaction was out of proportion.....I tucked it away and have not wasted my time with it.
Some of this for me has been figuring out what is mine (cause I used to get caught in the game thinking it was all mine).
Once I started to be able to seperate out what was mine (and more importantly not mine).....a number of things came together for me around it.
I still have to check myself sometimes. I have a boss who often blows things out of proportion....and just yesterday I had to make sure/double check that it was not what I said/how I said it....but what he did with it. Once I realized his reaction was out of proportion.....I tucked it away and have not wasted my time with it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
When I feel someone is being passive aggressive about something I usually ignore it (the idea being, if they have something to tell or ask me, they can bloody well be direct about it...until then, it is entirely their problem, not mine).
If it persists, then I get direct, "Is there something you want to talk about?" if they say no, then it is back to tactic number one.
Mostly, I just try to remember that passive aggression is more about them than it is me.
If it persists, then I get direct, "Is there something you want to talk about?" if they say no, then it is back to tactic number one.
Mostly, I just try to remember that passive aggression is more about them than it is me.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Like SparkleKitty, when I recognize the p/a behavior, I let it go (don't take it personally, it's THEIR issue if they can't communicate directly, I'm not going to assume I know what they are trying to get at) and I don't play into whatever they are trying to pull me into.
They'll get a lot of "Oh, really?" "Hmmm....." "You don't say..." "I didn't know that" from me.
If it doesn't stop (because they aren't getting the expected response & keep pushing) I just call it out - "Look, you're acting/saying x,y,z.... what's up?" and give them a chance to verbalize it plainly. If they choose not to, again, their deal.
RAH was a master at this but eventually he either spun in circles chasing his own tail (because I wouldn't engage) or he would escalate the situation & I could clearly walk away with reason. It seems to have gotten much better now that he is approaching recovery differently.
With pass/agg behavior I have found it isn't so much about "dropping the rope" as it is never picking the rope up to begin with.
They'll get a lot of "Oh, really?" "Hmmm....." "You don't say..." "I didn't know that" from me.
If it doesn't stop (because they aren't getting the expected response & keep pushing) I just call it out - "Look, you're acting/saying x,y,z.... what's up?" and give them a chance to verbalize it plainly. If they choose not to, again, their deal.
RAH was a master at this but eventually he either spun in circles chasing his own tail (because I wouldn't engage) or he would escalate the situation & I could clearly walk away with reason. It seems to have gotten much better now that he is approaching recovery differently.
With pass/agg behavior I have found it isn't so much about "dropping the rope" as it is never picking the rope up to begin with.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What FireSprite said!
I actually told my AH that I have no intentions of playing any mind games. When he starts acting that way I actually say to him, "Sorry, I don't play these sort of word games," and I WALK AWAY!
I have found a person (any person really) can be mad, yell, scream, have a fit if they want. If you don't engage with them they have a really hard time carrying on with it.
Now, you have to be careful because there is a difference in this type of behavior and actual verbal abuse. No one should put up with abuse emoational or physical. When you start avoiding a person because you are scared of their words or actions, they have crossed that line and you have to get out.
Hope this helps! We are here with you!
I actually told my AH that I have no intentions of playing any mind games. When he starts acting that way I actually say to him, "Sorry, I don't play these sort of word games," and I WALK AWAY!
I have found a person (any person really) can be mad, yell, scream, have a fit if they want. If you don't engage with them they have a really hard time carrying on with it.
Now, you have to be careful because there is a difference in this type of behavior and actual verbal abuse. No one should put up with abuse emoational or physical. When you start avoiding a person because you are scared of their words or actions, they have crossed that line and you have to get out.
Hope this helps! We are here with you!
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