nearing divorce
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 12
nearing divorce
(tried to post this once, apologies if it is a duplicate)
My husband has been sober for 7 years, we've been together for four, married for three. So I've never experienced him drinking.
His mood swings and anger are getting increasingly worse, and I'm very close to filing for divorce. I'm looking for some advice on whether I can realistically expect him to change, or any insight on what is going on with him.
We've been in counseling for three years for his anger and my response to it (sadness). His triggers are primarily dishes and lights. He will literally walk around the house and inform me of the lights I have left on that he turned off. One time he unscrewed all but one light bulb in my bathroom as a lesson. He gets angry if I leave dishes in the sink. He does not practice what he preaches. He leaves more lights and electronics on than I do, and constantly leaves dishes out. So I know this is about power/control more than anything, and it really hurts. I am so tired of walking on eggshells. It is always something. The other day he said I had a problem "taking direction" because I did the dishes but left them out to dry on the counter, instead of putting them away promptly.
So that is what the day-to-day is like. We separated for 5 months recently after he was swearing and yelling at me, then threw my breakfast across the room in front of our son. It was the last straw for me. He's been back for two months and it's getting worse/seems to be escalating. We have so much to be thankful for, and I have no idea where this is coming from. The other night he became explosive very quickly over a tiny bit of powder detergent that spilled on his jacket while I was doing laundry. He began yelling, swearing, etc. When he came home his reaction was unusual because he actually apologized and said he didn't know where the anger was coming from. He said he considered getting loaded because he felt it was the only way he could deal with me. As far as I know he has never relapsed during our relationship. I can't live like this anymore or expose my children to the yelling. I'm 8 months pregnant. I'm afraid he will relapse if we divorce, and I am so hurt over the prospect of breaking up our family. His nurturing and loving side has kept me going.
I have no idea why his behavior is escalating like this. I have told him I would leave if it continued, and he said the other night he wouldn't blame me if I did. He is in AA and seeing three counselors.
My husband has been sober for 7 years, we've been together for four, married for three. So I've never experienced him drinking.
His mood swings and anger are getting increasingly worse, and I'm very close to filing for divorce. I'm looking for some advice on whether I can realistically expect him to change, or any insight on what is going on with him.
We've been in counseling for three years for his anger and my response to it (sadness). His triggers are primarily dishes and lights. He will literally walk around the house and inform me of the lights I have left on that he turned off. One time he unscrewed all but one light bulb in my bathroom as a lesson. He gets angry if I leave dishes in the sink. He does not practice what he preaches. He leaves more lights and electronics on than I do, and constantly leaves dishes out. So I know this is about power/control more than anything, and it really hurts. I am so tired of walking on eggshells. It is always something. The other day he said I had a problem "taking direction" because I did the dishes but left them out to dry on the counter, instead of putting them away promptly.
So that is what the day-to-day is like. We separated for 5 months recently after he was swearing and yelling at me, then threw my breakfast across the room in front of our son. It was the last straw for me. He's been back for two months and it's getting worse/seems to be escalating. We have so much to be thankful for, and I have no idea where this is coming from. The other night he became explosive very quickly over a tiny bit of powder detergent that spilled on his jacket while I was doing laundry. He began yelling, swearing, etc. When he came home his reaction was unusual because he actually apologized and said he didn't know where the anger was coming from. He said he considered getting loaded because he felt it was the only way he could deal with me. As far as I know he has never relapsed during our relationship. I can't live like this anymore or expose my children to the yelling. I'm 8 months pregnant. I'm afraid he will relapse if we divorce, and I am so hurt over the prospect of breaking up our family. His nurturing and loving side has kept me going.
I have no idea why his behavior is escalating like this. I have told him I would leave if it continued, and he said the other night he wouldn't blame me if I did. He is in AA and seeing three counselors.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Hi Lindsayleigh- I don't have any experience in your situation with relapses, there will be others that chime in but I was wondering if he is possibly nervous about another baby on the way in a month and instead of talking about it he is acting out?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
jmho -- Does he actually REALLY have a Sponsor AND is he Really Working the Program?
These behaviors are Way Out of Character for that description.
But we have similar things in our household -- not lights and dishes -- but the whacked out behavior. But I also know she is Dry Drunking the Program, in our case.
Also this maps with some Personality Disorder type issues that sometimes come with Alcoholism and Addictions. Have you talked with the T's about that?
These behaviors are Way Out of Character for that description.
But we have similar things in our household -- not lights and dishes -- but the whacked out behavior. But I also know she is Dry Drunking the Program, in our case.
Also this maps with some Personality Disorder type issues that sometimes come with Alcoholism and Addictions. Have you talked with the T's about that?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by lindsayleigh 
He said he considered getting loaded because he felt it was the only way he could deal with me.
You asked for some insight. Here it is ^^^^^^, straight from the horse's mouth. For whatever reason, stress, life, the baby, who knows, it sounds like he's heading for the bottle. Or possibly, he took it up again during your separation, and is now white-knuckling to stay dry.
Either way, you are pregnant and need a safe, loving environment. I'm afraid you may want to consider separating again, while he works out his issues. You leaving won't "cause" him to drink. But it will protect you and your children from his volatile behavior.
Good luck - sorry for your situation, but happy you came here for support. Keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 12
I did find a 24 hour chip in his truck about a month ago. I asked him why he had one and he said anybody could take one, regardless of length of sobriety. I didn't question it -- is that a red flag or typical?
Re: working the steps. He was initially during our separation, and I think it's fallen off. He had a really good group of guys as a support group before we moved 2 years ago, and he's struggled to find that here.
Re: working the steps. He was initially during our separation, and I think it's fallen off. He had a really good group of guys as a support group before we moved 2 years ago, and he's struggled to find that here.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by lindsayleigh
I did find a 24 hour chip in his truck about a month ago. I asked him why he had one and he said anybody could take one, regardless of length of sobriety. I didn't question it -- is that a red flag or typical?
Re: working the steps. He was initially during our separation, and I think it's fallen off. He had a really good group of guys as a support group before we moved 2 years ago, and he's struggled to find that here.
Re: working the steps. He was initially during our separation, and I think it's fallen off. He had a really good group of guys as a support group before we moved 2 years ago, and he's struggled to find that here.
Mrs. Hammer has the opposite going on. She had a Relapse, Lies about it and takes Chip beyond her years. MAJOR Messed Up.
Both yours and mine have REAL Problems. They HAVE to work the Program, or they will whack out. Meanwhile there is Alanon for us -- Right? Right?
So you guys spend a fair amount of time around each other? This is a little . . . crazy . . . but do you know that Pregnant Women shift guys brain chemistry? For real, no joke. Yeah, I know that is weird -- but if he is near the edge already -- maybe you should be apart until after the birth? May be best for both (and the kids, too) of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 12
He admitted the chip was his, but said anyone could take it regardless of length of sobriety (i.e. 7 years versus 24 hours). I don't know why he would bother telling me he thought about getting loaded if he had already relapsed. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make him happy.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by lindsayleigh
He admitted the chip was his, but said anyone could take it regardless of length of sobriety (i.e. 7 years versus 24 hours). I don't know why he would bother telling me he thought about getting loaded if he had already relapsed.
If we go much deeper, we will just keep chasing YOU back into HIS problems.
You ever see or read the AA Big Book? Covers all this and much, much, more.
I wish I could just snap my fingers and make him happy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 12
No I am not in Alanon. Considering it. I am just so exhausted with it all. Tonight he is telling me I'm not committed to the relationship, to stick it out when times get rough. So that means I'm supposed to be his punching bag forever and go to counseling to deal with it?????
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Lindsay, why is he seeing three separate counselors?
I agree with Hammer that attending AA and actually working the program are two different things. It sounds to me like he had a relapse or is headed for one and not using any of his 'tools' to help manage the stress. Him telling you he was thinking about drinking could be his way of setting himself up so that later he can say he warned you it "might" happen. I think it's called 'throwing pillows ahead'.
I agree that your sanity & safety (you and the kids) is definitely priority. No one should have this kind of stress during pregnancy. (((hugs)))
I agree with Hammer that attending AA and actually working the program are two different things. It sounds to me like he had a relapse or is headed for one and not using any of his 'tools' to help manage the stress. Him telling you he was thinking about drinking could be his way of setting himself up so that later he can say he warned you it "might" happen. I think it's called 'throwing pillows ahead'.
I agree that your sanity & safety (you and the kids) is definitely priority. No one should have this kind of stress during pregnancy. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
In my experience when mentions of drinking again are coming up it is a huge red flag. Relapses happen way before the act of drinking ever starts.
Perhaps not appropriate to say so I will suggest that it sounds like your husband has more going on than possibly drinking again. His behavior is reminiscent of my RAH bi polar unmedicated rapid cycling - though I am not diagnosing him.
I can't tell you what to do for him - but will strongly suggest what to do for you and your son - get out of this situation. This is no way to live, its scary, he is scary. Get yourself in a safe environment, then focus on what to do about the situation.
Perhaps not appropriate to say so I will suggest that it sounds like your husband has more going on than possibly drinking again. His behavior is reminiscent of my RAH bi polar unmedicated rapid cycling - though I am not diagnosing him.
I can't tell you what to do for him - but will strongly suggest what to do for you and your son - get out of this situation. This is no way to live, its scary, he is scary. Get yourself in a safe environment, then focus on what to do about the situation.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hey LL, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you, at 8 months pregnant and in constant fight or flight mode. Nobody needs that when they are preparing to give birth. It sounds to me like your husband has mental health issues that could be beyond the reach of counselling and require a very skilled diagnosis and possibly medication. But that's not going to help you right now.
Do you have any support like family and friends at hand who can help you through this time? Someone to be with you after the birth and take some of the burden off your shoulders? I presume your husband is going to be present at the delivery, but it would be disastrous for your period of bonding and establishing feeding to have to cope with his rages as well.
It sounds like the best solution would be for him to leave the house if he can't control himself, especially during the very emotional and sensitive time of coping with a new baby. I agree with the others that he probably did relapse, and is white knuckling it now. He may relapse if you separate, but at least that will be out in the open and you won't be coping with it in your own home. Separation may also give him clear air to look after his own problems without the added guilt of the way he behaves towards his family.
He sounds like a sincere man, coping with a burden of mental illness, but unless he gets effective treatment your responsibility is to keep his anger away from the children and yourself, and create a calm loving home.
All my best wishes for you in this difficult time.
Do you have any support like family and friends at hand who can help you through this time? Someone to be with you after the birth and take some of the burden off your shoulders? I presume your husband is going to be present at the delivery, but it would be disastrous for your period of bonding and establishing feeding to have to cope with his rages as well.
It sounds like the best solution would be for him to leave the house if he can't control himself, especially during the very emotional and sensitive time of coping with a new baby. I agree with the others that he probably did relapse, and is white knuckling it now. He may relapse if you separate, but at least that will be out in the open and you won't be coping with it in your own home. Separation may also give him clear air to look after his own problems without the added guilt of the way he behaves towards his family.
He sounds like a sincere man, coping with a burden of mental illness, but unless he gets effective treatment your responsibility is to keep his anger away from the children and yourself, and create a calm loving home.
All my best wishes for you in this difficult time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 12
Thank you guys so much. I just had a talk with him and stood up for myself when he tried to blame me for escalating his anger. He is always saying I need to get counseling, etc. etc. This time I told him he was right, that I was enabling his behavior and that I've never successfully set a boundary with him - and I needed to, starting now. I told him I needed a safe environment but stopped short of firmly saying "you need to move back out."
I am really nervous about not only saying it to him but standing behind it. It breaks my heart to think of him living somewhere else when I go into labor (alone) or our baby comes home from the hospital. We have no family here. I have a couple casual friends but nobody close. At the same time I know it needs to happen.
The only plan he presented was to "surrender to God," but that has not been helping. I told him he needs to be working the steps on a daily basis, and that I can't help him with that, especially right now. I do think he has a secondary mental illness, though I'm not sure he would medicate. I haven't broached the topic with him.
As far as why he is seeing three counselors - one is our couple's counselor, one is his personal counselor and the third is a counselor his supervisor asked him to see for work-related issues.
I am really nervous about not only saying it to him but standing behind it. It breaks my heart to think of him living somewhere else when I go into labor (alone) or our baby comes home from the hospital. We have no family here. I have a couple casual friends but nobody close. At the same time I know it needs to happen.
The only plan he presented was to "surrender to God," but that has not been helping. I told him he needs to be working the steps on a daily basis, and that I can't help him with that, especially right now. I do think he has a secondary mental illness, though I'm not sure he would medicate. I haven't broached the topic with him.
As far as why he is seeing three counselors - one is our couple's counselor, one is his personal counselor and the third is a counselor his supervisor asked him to see for work-related issues.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
So his workplace knows he is a little whacked, too.
Ok. Yeah, you are likely correct. Likely underlying Mental Illness -- what they sometimes call "Dual Diagnosis" in the industry (Addiction + Mental Illness). Some BIG BIG decisions ahead for you.
But that is out ahead.
Today is just Today.
Next thing for you is having the baby with as little crazy around as possible.
Anyplace he can go, stay, etc. for a month or so? Not in a bad way, just to make things easier for both of you. Anyplace YOU can go, stay etc. to get extra help. Your mom's, sister, etc.?
Once you get the full understanding of his illness, you may (just saying may) have some compassion for it. The Alcohol as his Self-Medication Drug of Choice -- probably not so much.
Like I was mentioning -- the pheromones you are producing -- as part of pregnancy -- those go straight to his olfactory nerves -- up his nose to the base of his brain, to his emotional centers. For a "normal" male brain, they sort of sedate us, and get us all wanting to make you comfy and cozy, and very nuturey to the new baby. Since he likely has a little imbalance in that part of the brain hardware and chemistry -- it really could be making him feel a little crazy.
Try to get a little distance for BOTH your sake.
And let's get you in Alanon. You have some learning ahead, and the local support will help you a lot. The folks there -- *we* as it were -- have been, there done this, and will likely swoop in to help you.
Ok. Yeah, you are likely correct. Likely underlying Mental Illness -- what they sometimes call "Dual Diagnosis" in the industry (Addiction + Mental Illness). Some BIG BIG decisions ahead for you.
But that is out ahead.
Today is just Today.
Next thing for you is having the baby with as little crazy around as possible.
Anyplace he can go, stay, etc. for a month or so? Not in a bad way, just to make things easier for both of you. Anyplace YOU can go, stay etc. to get extra help. Your mom's, sister, etc.?
Once you get the full understanding of his illness, you may (just saying may) have some compassion for it. The Alcohol as his Self-Medication Drug of Choice -- probably not so much.
Like I was mentioning -- the pheromones you are producing -- as part of pregnancy -- those go straight to his olfactory nerves -- up his nose to the base of his brain, to his emotional centers. For a "normal" male brain, they sort of sedate us, and get us all wanting to make you comfy and cozy, and very nuturey to the new baby. Since he likely has a little imbalance in that part of the brain hardware and chemistry -- it really could be making him feel a little crazy.
Try to get a little distance for BOTH your sake.
And let's get you in Alanon. You have some learning ahead, and the local support will help you a lot. The folks there -- *we* as it were -- have been, there done this, and will likely swoop in to help you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by lindsayleigh
It breaks my heart to think of him living somewhere else when I go into labor (alone) or our baby comes home from the hospital.
You suggested he would not take medication; I guess that's his decision but unless he's willing to seek help with his mental health he is harming you and your child(ren). Can you live with this?
His obsessive behaviour may be beyond the reach of counselling, or even working the steps. Is he willing to seek professional diagnosis?
I'm sorry you're so isolated. Are there any resources you could access, maybe through the hospital services? Perhaps some temporary help at home or respite to get some sleep.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: gold coast
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by lindsayleigh
No I am not in Alanon. Considering it. I am just so exhausted with it all. Tonight he is telling me I'm not committed to the relationship, to stick it out when times get rough. So that means I'm supposed to be his punching bag forever and go to counseling to deal with it?????
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
Hello lindsayleigh.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this at a time when you should be enjoying your pregnancy. I hope you are making lots of time for bubble baths and magazines and just putting your feet up.
Lindsay I don't know if your husband is dry drunk or mentally ill but some of your post :- reminds me very much of the man I spent 18 years married to. He wasn't an A but when he eventually walked out it took me a long time of DV counselling to work out that what he actually was, was a bully.
Not all men behave like this.
My thoughts are with you.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this at a time when you should be enjoying your pregnancy. I hope you are making lots of time for bubble baths and magazines and just putting your feet up.
Lindsay I don't know if your husband is dry drunk or mentally ill but some of your post :-
been in counseling for three years for his anger ........... I know this is about power/control more than anything,..........he said I had a problem "taking direction"..........swearing and yelling at me, then threw my breakfast across the room in front of our son.
Not all men behave like this.
My thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by lindsayleigh
I don't know why he would bother telling me he thought about getting loaded if he had already relapsed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 12
We have a meeting with our couples counselor tonight, where I'm planning to push the physical separation. The counselor recommended it to me the other day, but can sometimes waffle when he is in the room. So I'm going to need a lot of strength ... and comebacks to his lines about "giving up" and "running away." It is so hard not to take that guilt on b/c I know he is ill. This morning he suggested that we could do this workbook he got from AA each night together. I feel mean saying it, but isn't that his responsibility? I feel like it is another manipulation. Perhaps I should ask him to do al-anon work with ME, ha ha.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
