hopeful4

I am so sorry. I just want to say I hope you get individual counseling for you separately. You need a plan to leave safely. What you are experiencing is ABUSE. If it is not already directed to your child it will be eventually. It has to be a miserable existance.

Please keep yourself safe. This type of a person can explode into physical violence. Don't take this for anything other than what it is, ABUSE.

Please get counseling, go to meetings and keep you and your children safe.

Also, be prepared to have him say anything, he will manipulate you to get you to stay. Don't do it. Don't listen to words, take a look at his actions over a very long period of time. Change your locks when you separate.

God Bless.

lindsayleigh

Thank you Hopeful. You make a very good point about being prepared for him to say anything ... and to focus on his actions in the past. He tries to manipulate when he's defensive, even going as far as trying to convince me I am remember a situation incorrectly. "If you forgot that you gave our son his bottle last night, how could you possibly remember what I said to you correctly"?
I went to an Al-Anon meeting today and it was a start. Only a couple hours until I tell him we need to separate. Then we get to come home together! I have no idea what to expect tonight or any other moment until he moves out. It sounds like I should be prepared to get a hotel if I need to.

Stung

Ugh. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. My 2nd daughter is 6 months now and my AH was very abusive emotionally when I was pregnant with her and it only worsened after I she was born. Unfortunately, I didn't know until she was 2 months old that it was all from his drinking.

We've now been separated since our baby was 4 months but it is truly much easier…even if it's entirely on my own. Our house is peaceful and I get to concentrate on loving our two year old and six month old rather than my AH's crazy mood swings.

Hold your ground tonight and keep your babies safe. You're doing what's healthiest for you and your children. Sending you strength and lots of hugs mama.

Fathom

Hugs, LL. just checking in to see how you are doing.

I also wanted to give you kudos for stating a very healthy boundary, IMO. You require a safe peaceful environment. That says nothing about how it needs to be achieved and I don't think it has to right now. But it does make the expectation clear. Anything deviating from safe and peaceful will be obvious and you can put your foot down.

Also, more kudos to you for getting to an AlAnon meeting today. I hope you can find peace and support in your new community.

Best,
Fathom

lindsayleigh

Thank you ... trying to set boundaries. Having a hard time. I said I wanted the separation last night and that I was done, etc. He said he wouldn't separate again - so it was either divorce or he stays. He said the only thing that afflicts him is a "spiritual malady" and that his solution is to carry the big book with him and take a daily inventory. I feel like a big dumb blob. I think I have a lot of fear and guilt that I am doing something wrong walking away from him.

phoenix108

you are his wife, not his child. he is responsible for his OWN ACTIONS. no one needs to endure abuse.

it's really tough being pregnant with a small child to take care of, but act from your strength and not your fear when it comes to taking care of yourself and the kids. i made the mistake of acting in fear...and it took a lot of power from me, and was more painful than if i'd acted from a position of strength and wisdom (and i was pregnant)...even if it is initally the harder path. also, 3 years of counseling should have helped him more separate out his issues...i agree that there's likely other mental health issues going on.

stay strong and centered! do what is right for you and the kids...the rest will work itself out. don't buy into his saying you are "giving up " or "running away". get some support from friends and family. you are defining your boundaries which is very healthy.

hopeful4

Yup..he did just what I guessed. Manipulated. Made you feel dumb.

YOU ARE NOT DUMB! You are being mentally used and abused. People who treat others that way have some sort of sick need. He does not get to make all the decisions. You want a separation, do it. The entire marriage is not his decision. You and your child will become victims even more than you are now. Marriage is supposto be a team, not a dictatorship.

You can do this.

JustAGirl1971

Mine said the same: stay or divorce. We are divorcing. It's sad. I'm grieving. But, I know I will survive and come out a stronger person for it. The thing is, that's his choice and it doesn't change my choice.

You wanted to separate, do it. Get a legal consult with an attorney and if you don't feel like filing, wait for him to file (just be prepared for it.) You are not dumb.