lav08

Hello,
I am the father of 3 children and the Stepfather of 4 others. When I met my wife she seemed to be a responsible drinker and there were some nights she didn't drink at all. Even when we got married it wasn't real concerning to me.
Her drinking has developed into a big problem now. She is drinking a minimum of 2 bottles of wine per night. I don't drink at all and end up driving all the kids to their activities in the evening while she drinks. She starts at about 5:00 in the evening and she is completely wasted by 7:30. When she drinks she gets real belligerent and takes everything the kids say and do as a personal offense to her.
When she gets up in the morning she usually does not have a full recollection of the previous night. When I call her on it she gets real defensive and tells me that I am just beating her up about it. Then she gets depressed and says she will quit but never does.
I have reached the realization that I am going to have to take my kids and leave but it breaks my heart to think of leaving the other kids because I am the only father they have and they don't really remember their life without me being in it. I also love my wife very much and I understand that she is a slave to her addiction. I worry about leaving them all but I feel like she has to reach a point where she will want to quit and I think that I will always be in the way of that.
On top of all of this my mother is dying. It is all getting to be too much to handle.

KateL

How awful for you x Give it a few minutes and I'm sure someone from friends and family will be along to offer you support. Good luck x

Hammer

Yeah. You gotta mess there.

Who/What about prior dad?

Rehab, AA and all that an option for her?

hopeful4

Hello and welcome.

I am so sorry you are going through so much. It is good that you see you will need to remove your children from what has become a toxic environment. I too went through years of the "drunken amnesia" with my alcoholic husband. He would pull all sorts of things and say all sorts of mean stuff and have no idea why I was upset the next day. I don't tolerate that type of behavior, ever. I never will again, that is a promise I made to myself and to him that I plan to keep.

Question about the step kids. What is the situatin with their own father? Is he someone you can trust to do the right thing for them? Does she have any other family members who would be willing to fight for their wellbeing?

I encourage you to seek advise from an attorney. Normally the first consult is free, it was for me. He or She can advise you what you will need to do. I will pass along what my attorney told me that I am working on as I put my plan in place as I believe it would apply to any state.

Open accounts in your own name and change any direct deposits of yours to that account. Clean out half of your other accounts so you get what is rightfully yours, or any amount that legitimally belongs to you. Document every single thing. Take photos of any bottles/cans. If she pays w/debit, keep receipts. Keep a journal each day documenting times, places, and other people who were that that may have to testify on your behalf. Remove from the home any photos or keepsakes you absolutely cannot live without. One thing I have done in the past is video my husband when he was drunk. Now, he shut up really quickly and walked away, but I got enough, and I got him stumblin away. As my attorney said, hopefully you will not need to use these items however it is good to have them there and be prepared if you do.

I am so sorry about your mom. How awful to be going through so much.

I hope you keep posting, it will help you. I also hope you are finding time to get therapy or Alaonon or Celebrate Recovery for support for yourself. I know our Celebrate Recovery has childcare and kids programs so you can take them along.

Good luck and God Bless!

lav08

Their Dad left when they were real young. The youngest was 7 months and the oldest was two. He has minimal contact with them. I met the youngest when a few months before her second birthday so I have really been Dad.
I have talked to her oh so many times about getting into a program and she doesn't want anything to do with it.

Pia

Hi lav08- I'm glad you recognize there is a problem and trying to figure things out. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother as I can't imagine the pain you are going through.
I dealt with the "drunken amnesia" that hopeful4 mentioned. It just gets worse and sloppy over time.
Can I ask how old are the step kids unless i'm mistaken and I am often lol you mentioned how old they were when you met what about the age now?

lav08

The youngest is six. The twins are 7 and the oldest is 8. They are the best kids. I love them all so much.

freethinking

Is treatment (rehab) an option you are willing to consider? You can see a lawyer and get a temporary restraining order against her, which would make HER have to leave the house. Mind you, this gets very expensive....but if she is unwilling to get help, it sounds like it may be your only option. A lawyer, as said above, will ask you to keep receipts or even record her behavior when she is drunk. Basically, you need to provide proof that your wife is drinking alcoholically.

Good luck, I am sorry you are going through this.

hopeful4

You would also have to prove she is a threat to you or your household.

JustAGirl1971

lav08, these are totally out there suggestions on the stepkids (just thinking outside the box) but there's always adoption if the father is out of the picture, is not providing support, and AW is amicable. It would of course move your timetable for leaving back until the adoption is final, which could be bad. Again, assuming same scenario, after you leave, if they are removed from her house and you go through the program, you could possibly foster the step kids if CPS removes them from the home (with the help of a phone call from a concerned party.) Of course, that would make you a single dad to 7 kids which would be crazy/chaotic.

Pia

I love them all so much - Have you thought of just a separation to clear the air and get a better grip of your situation and then go from there?

lav08

That's an option I hadn't thought about but considering all the circumstances I'm not sure I could handle going that route.

lav08

I already had an attorney propose adoption but the Dad won't have it.

lav08

Separation is definitely the winning idea right now.

JustAGirl1971

I'm sorry lav08. It may just be that you'll have to let those kids go. If you feel like your AW is a threat to the safety of your stepchildren, then you may want to consider anonymously reporting her to CPS, or, if the father is involved at all, calling him. I can't imagine how difficult that decision will be; however, you are right to consider the welfare of your own children and yourself. What a horrible, difficult situation. You may also want to consider al-anon regardless of whether you stay or go.

hopeful4

Hmmm....I would have a very serious talk with bio dad about what is going on and that he may be the one assuming responsibility for said children very soon. Is this something he really wants?? Are there any other family members willing to step in for them at all? If he has been out of their life for so long why the objection? I agree, if you can have them removed from her care possibly you can get CPS to let you be their foster. I have seen crazier things happen.

Do you have support for you?? That's alot of kids! I agree, separation would be a big plus for you!

spiderqueen

I am so sorry you are facing this. Does she know that you are seriously considering a separation? And still refuses to acknowledge that she needs professional help?

It is heartbreaking that addiction can stand between a parent and their children. I agree that support for you, including alanon, counseling, and legal advice is very important. The children need you healthy and whole.

Since the bio dad is not really in the picture, could you ask for partial custody or at least visitation of her children? It will be so important for them to have a sane and loving parent in their lives, no matter what happens.

Hammer

Yep. That is a mess.

What else you have to work with? Her mom/parents? Brothers/Sisters/Aunts/Uncles . .. You said yours are ill, right?

You have a real management challenge there.

Yunno what *we* do when life becomes unmanageable due to alcohol, right?

THAT is Step 1.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Pia

Maybe an idea and could scare her to straighten up some. Especially since she would be forced to deal with the situation and kiddos. Right now sounds like she has it on easy street just IMO

lav08

It's been so strange watching her addiction to alchohol take her to such a self-destructive level. I know she would never intentionally be a danger to the kids but oh man, she becomes a totally different person in just a matter of a couple of hours and I have become so angry and frustrated having to deal with it while watching my Mother die at the same time that sometimes I don't even want to be around her even when she is sober.