acceptance, doubt, acceptance, doubt
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acceptance, doubt, acceptance, doubt
I'm going crazy. Just when I accept that he is an AH, for one reason or another I start to doubt and think I am making this a bigger deal than it is. Then something happens and I accept again and the roller coaster goes up and down and up and down.
I haven't read about someone like him. He drinks in secret and we almost never see him drinking or even tipsy. At least not in the last couple years. The one time we did was when he was extremely drunk and passed out in the front yard. He was so bad we called 911 thinking he was having a stroke or something like that. He totally denied to us that he was drinking. He told them he was. He didn't even seem to have much of a hangover the next morning, that I could tell. After that was when I started looking into the possibility he had a problem. Of course he thought that was crazy.
He's a great guy, husband and father. But as I started looking back over the last 4 or 5 years I began to realize some things. Lying for one and that used to be a HUGE no-no for him. So many things that added up to him protecting and hiding his drinking. We used to drink together about 7 years ago and then decided to quit partying. We have 5 children and needed to grow up (we were in our 40's) We drank a bit after the partying but when I saw he was drinking a lot more at one time I expressed concern and I stopped drinking completely. He continued to drink, but then I thought he quit. He apparently started hiding it. I started finding proof (debit card charges) and he flipped out. Then he started getting money by getting cash back so I wouldn't know. I found $100 in his pocket the other day and have no idea how he got it since I could tell it wasn't from the cash back. I think I already talked about that. I have found several bottles of different sizes, empty and full. I can tell by the cup he thinks is hidden in the garage he uses now that he drinks every few days from that. All leads to acceptance.
Then the last several days it doesn't appear he has been drinking. He has very subtle signs that most people wouldn't see. I didn't until I knew to look for them. He took the boys to boy scouts. Something he was VERY into but has backed off. He even went to the leaders and parents meeting on Sunday. He is supposedly one of the leaders. He has been great this past week. More like himself. So I doubt.
Last night I went to a support group meeting and when he texted to ask where I was I told him. He was not happy and my anxiety went through the roof. I started to think I was making a big deal out of nothing. I just wanted to get home and tell him I was sorry and I would drop the idea that he had a problem. On the way home he did text me that he still loved me and all was ok. But when I got home I got the cold shoulder big time. Actions and words did not match up. Acceptance?
I guess I'm just trying to figure things out. I wish I could know for sure. He doesn't drink in front of us. The only effects so far on the kids is the trauma of seeing him so drunk that he passed out. Our oldest son 19 helped him get from the yard to the bed. He had to pick up his dad three times on the way. He has also been withdrawing from the family and things he likes to do. Scouts, camping with us, hanging out with us. He comes home from work and goes in our room, and watches tv. Sometimes he will pass out to the point that we couldn't wake him if we tried.
I have read Under The Influence and if he is an AH then he is in the early stage. But for several years?
I want to get off the roller coaster. I just want to know one way or the other so I can focus my energy properly. I don't even care what we call it if he has a problem.
I'm sorry that my thoughts are all jumbled, I can't seem to put my words together. I am also watching my 2.5 yr old grandson.
I haven't read about someone like him. He drinks in secret and we almost never see him drinking or even tipsy. At least not in the last couple years. The one time we did was when he was extremely drunk and passed out in the front yard. He was so bad we called 911 thinking he was having a stroke or something like that. He totally denied to us that he was drinking. He told them he was. He didn't even seem to have much of a hangover the next morning, that I could tell. After that was when I started looking into the possibility he had a problem. Of course he thought that was crazy.
He's a great guy, husband and father. But as I started looking back over the last 4 or 5 years I began to realize some things. Lying for one and that used to be a HUGE no-no for him. So many things that added up to him protecting and hiding his drinking. We used to drink together about 7 years ago and then decided to quit partying. We have 5 children and needed to grow up (we were in our 40's) We drank a bit after the partying but when I saw he was drinking a lot more at one time I expressed concern and I stopped drinking completely. He continued to drink, but then I thought he quit. He apparently started hiding it. I started finding proof (debit card charges) and he flipped out. Then he started getting money by getting cash back so I wouldn't know. I found $100 in his pocket the other day and have no idea how he got it since I could tell it wasn't from the cash back. I think I already talked about that. I have found several bottles of different sizes, empty and full. I can tell by the cup he thinks is hidden in the garage he uses now that he drinks every few days from that. All leads to acceptance.
Then the last several days it doesn't appear he has been drinking. He has very subtle signs that most people wouldn't see. I didn't until I knew to look for them. He took the boys to boy scouts. Something he was VERY into but has backed off. He even went to the leaders and parents meeting on Sunday. He is supposedly one of the leaders. He has been great this past week. More like himself. So I doubt.
Last night I went to a support group meeting and when he texted to ask where I was I told him. He was not happy and my anxiety went through the roof. I started to think I was making a big deal out of nothing. I just wanted to get home and tell him I was sorry and I would drop the idea that he had a problem. On the way home he did text me that he still loved me and all was ok. But when I got home I got the cold shoulder big time. Actions and words did not match up. Acceptance?
I guess I'm just trying to figure things out. I wish I could know for sure. He doesn't drink in front of us. The only effects so far on the kids is the trauma of seeing him so drunk that he passed out. Our oldest son 19 helped him get from the yard to the bed. He had to pick up his dad three times on the way. He has also been withdrawing from the family and things he likes to do. Scouts, camping with us, hanging out with us. He comes home from work and goes in our room, and watches tv. Sometimes he will pass out to the point that we couldn't wake him if we tried.
I have read Under The Influence and if he is an AH then he is in the early stage. But for several years?
I want to get off the roller coaster. I just want to know one way or the other so I can focus my energy properly. I don't even care what we call it if he has a problem.
I'm sorry that my thoughts are all jumbled, I can't seem to put my words together. I am also watching my 2.5 yr old grandson.
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I'm sorry, gilji. I keep going around and around, too. Is he, isn't he? EnglishGarden's post in this thread was very timely for me. It describes my marriage to a T.
I really think acceptance is a process. It's ironic, when I started alanon, I thought I already had the first three steps down.... and yet... here I am, stuck on step 1! I hate the word acceptance. My background is business and I think of 'acceptance' in the context of a mutually beneficial relationship. I bid a contract, you choose my bid over the others, you award the contract, I accept or decline the contract. Or, I offer you a position with the company, you accept or decline my offer. Outside of contract law, there's accepting an award, a scholarship, or some other accolade. Acceptance to me implies a positive outcome. This is NOT a positive outcome! I have spent weeks stuck on acceptance (and been to multiple alanon meetings where acceptance was a major theme and I've only been attending for two months, lol.)
What I am is resigned. Resigned to the fact that this is my reality. My AH is either an alcoholic or is choosing alcohol over his own son. Resigned to the fact that after 25 years together, I will now be single again (I have almost zero dating experience that does not include my AH!) Resigned to the fact that in 5 short years, all of my children will have their own lives and I will be alone in some fashion (youngest is 14.) Resignation: the acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable. This is where I am.
I'm sorry, gilji. That was probably not helpful. I mostly just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
ETA: I realized that my post is very negative. I wanted to add this: I am also hopeful. Hopeful that when my AH leaves, my children and I will have a peaceful home. Hopeful, that I will reclaim my life and make something better, brighter, and happier out of these ashes
I really think acceptance is a process. It's ironic, when I started alanon, I thought I already had the first three steps down.... and yet... here I am, stuck on step 1! I hate the word acceptance. My background is business and I think of 'acceptance' in the context of a mutually beneficial relationship. I bid a contract, you choose my bid over the others, you award the contract, I accept or decline the contract. Or, I offer you a position with the company, you accept or decline my offer. Outside of contract law, there's accepting an award, a scholarship, or some other accolade. Acceptance to me implies a positive outcome. This is NOT a positive outcome! I have spent weeks stuck on acceptance (and been to multiple alanon meetings where acceptance was a major theme and I've only been attending for two months, lol.)
What I am is resigned. Resigned to the fact that this is my reality. My AH is either an alcoholic or is choosing alcohol over his own son. Resigned to the fact that after 25 years together, I will now be single again (I have almost zero dating experience that does not include my AH!) Resigned to the fact that in 5 short years, all of my children will have their own lives and I will be alone in some fashion (youngest is 14.) Resignation: the acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable. This is where I am.
I'm sorry, gilji. That was probably not helpful. I mostly just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
ETA: I realized that my post is very negative. I wanted to add this: I am also hopeful. Hopeful that when my AH leaves, my children and I will have a peaceful home. Hopeful, that I will reclaim my life and make something better, brighter, and happier out of these ashes
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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In my limited experience when the A starts going past the "functioning" part it is a fairly rapid downward spiral.
There is a post about trusting your "gut". Here is the link.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...instincts.html
The only advise I can give is start making your plans. It doesn't matter if you use them or not. At least you have an action plan "in the event". I have been planning for over a year now and almost have everything in line to leave (exception is seeing a lawyer, which I am working on, albeit slowly). My A has been in recovery (?) for almost a year, but, as some say here - just because they are not drinking, it often does not resolve all the issues. Lying and hiding things are the biggest issues I am still dealing with.
Slow and steady. Do what you can. Start with a list.
There is a post about trusting your "gut". Here is the link.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...instincts.html
The only advise I can give is start making your plans. It doesn't matter if you use them or not. At least you have an action plan "in the event". I have been planning for over a year now and almost have everything in line to leave (exception is seeing a lawyer, which I am working on, albeit slowly). My A has been in recovery (?) for almost a year, but, as some say here - just because they are not drinking, it often does not resolve all the issues. Lying and hiding things are the biggest issues I am still dealing with.
Slow and steady. Do what you can. Start with a list.
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JusaAGirl: I have read that post. Part of my problem is that I don't usually know when he is drinking. He doesn't affect the family in the obvious ways. Our home life is overall peaceful. The major issue is his withdrawal from the family. One of the biggest thing is that we can no longer count on him. That affects our 27yr old most of all. But that's not going to change if I leave him. Neither will his withdrawal.
I have no idea how I can prepare if I did need to leave him. We can go to our daughters house temporarily. As it is we don't have enough money from his income each month. I have been a stay at home mom for most of our 29 years. A minimum wage job part time is the most I can get. I did look into getting and AS or BS in accounting, but that's out of our reach. $8,000 for AS and over $50,000 for the BS. I am going to try and figure out a way to start. He is working 7 days a week right now so I can put a little away at a time. However, I cannot even imagine leaving him right now. It's not a negative situation here. However, if it gets to be I will. Don't know if I will divorce even if I leave. I won't look for another relationship either. I'd rather be on my own. My kids are 11 and 13 yr girls, 15 and 19 yr boys. Oldest is 27yr girl wth 2.5 yr son. I won't be bored.
Lyssy: I have read that post. I think that's part of my struggle. My gut says there is a problem, but I've never been able to trust my gut. I always feel that he is right. That's mostly due to low self esteem issues that's I've always had.
I have no idea how I can prepare if I did need to leave him. We can go to our daughters house temporarily. As it is we don't have enough money from his income each month. I have been a stay at home mom for most of our 29 years. A minimum wage job part time is the most I can get. I did look into getting and AS or BS in accounting, but that's out of our reach. $8,000 for AS and over $50,000 for the BS. I am going to try and figure out a way to start. He is working 7 days a week right now so I can put a little away at a time. However, I cannot even imagine leaving him right now. It's not a negative situation here. However, if it gets to be I will. Don't know if I will divorce even if I leave. I won't look for another relationship either. I'd rather be on my own. My kids are 11 and 13 yr girls, 15 and 19 yr boys. Oldest is 27yr girl wth 2.5 yr son. I won't be bored.
Lyssy: I have read that post. I think that's part of my struggle. My gut says there is a problem, but I've never been able to trust my gut. I always feel that he is right. That's mostly due to low self esteem issues that's I've always had.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971 
I'm sorry, gilji. I keep going around and around, too. Is he, isn't he? EnglishGarden's post in this thread was very timely for me. It describes my marriage to a T.
I really think acceptance is a process. It's ironic, when I started alanon, I thought I already had the first three steps down.... and yet... here I am, stuck on step 1! I hate the word acceptance. My background is business and I think of 'acceptance' in the context of a mutually beneficial relationship. I bid a contract, you choose my bid over the others, you award the contract, I accept or decline the contract. Or, I offer you a position with the company, you accept or decline my offer. Outside of contract law, there's accepting an award, a scholarship, or some other accolade. Acceptance to me implies a positive outcome. This is NOT a positive outcome! I have spent weeks stuck on acceptance (and been to multiple alanon meetings where acceptance was a major theme and I've only been attending for two months, lol.)
What I am is resigned. Resigned to the fact that this is my reality. My AH is either an alcoholic or is choosing alcohol over his own son. Resigned to the fact that after 25 years together, I will now be single again (I have almost zero dating experience that does not include my AH!) Resigned to the fact that in 5 short years, all of my children will have their own lives and I will be alone in some fashion (youngest is 14.) Resignation: the acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable. This is where I am.
I'm sorry, gilji. That was probably not helpful. I mostly just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
ETA: I realized that my post is very negative. I wanted to add this: I am also hopeful. Hopeful that when my AH leaves, my children and I will have a peaceful home. Hopeful, that I will reclaim my life and make something better, brighter, and happier out of these ashes
I really think acceptance is a process. It's ironic, when I started alanon, I thought I already had the first three steps down.... and yet... here I am, stuck on step 1! I hate the word acceptance. My background is business and I think of 'acceptance' in the context of a mutually beneficial relationship. I bid a contract, you choose my bid over the others, you award the contract, I accept or decline the contract. Or, I offer you a position with the company, you accept or decline my offer. Outside of contract law, there's accepting an award, a scholarship, or some other accolade. Acceptance to me implies a positive outcome. This is NOT a positive outcome! I have spent weeks stuck on acceptance (and been to multiple alanon meetings where acceptance was a major theme and I've only been attending for two months, lol.)
What I am is resigned. Resigned to the fact that this is my reality. My AH is either an alcoholic or is choosing alcohol over his own son. Resigned to the fact that after 25 years together, I will now be single again (I have almost zero dating experience that does not include my AH!) Resigned to the fact that in 5 short years, all of my children will have their own lives and I will be alone in some fashion (youngest is 14.) Resignation: the acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable. This is where I am.
I'm sorry, gilji. That was probably not helpful. I mostly just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
ETA: I realized that my post is very negative. I wanted to add this: I am also hopeful. Hopeful that when my AH leaves, my children and I will have a peaceful home. Hopeful, that I will reclaim my life and make something better, brighter, and happier out of these ashes
When you look into buying a business you need to see and understand the numbers - only then you can predict if the outcome of your investment will be a positive one. Looking at the numbers, accepting the bottom line got me un-stuck..I finally saw that my investment went nowhere.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Originally Posted by giliji
JusaAGirl: I have read that post. Part of my problem is that I don't usually know when he is drinking. He doesn't affect the family in the obvious ways. Our home life is overall peaceful. The major issue is his withdrawal from the family. One of the biggest thing is that we can no longer count on him. That affects our 27yr old most of all. But that's not going to change if I leave him. Neither will his withdrawal.
I have no idea how I can prepare if I did need to leave him. We can go to our daughters house temporarily. As it is we don't have enough money from his income each month. I have been a stay at home mom for most of our 29 years. A minimum wage job part time is the most I can get. I did look into getting and AS or BS in accounting, but that's out of our reach. $8,000 for AS and over $50,000 for the BS. I am going to try and figure out a way to start. He is working 7 days a week right now so I can put a little away at a time. However, I cannot even imagine leaving him right now. It's not a negative situation here. However, if it gets to be I will. Don't know if I will divorce even if I leave. I won't look for another relationship either. I'd rather be on my own. My kids are 11 and 13 yr girls, 15 and 19 yr boys. Oldest is 27yr girl wth 2.5 yr son. I won't be bored.
Lyssy: I have read that post. I think that's part of my struggle. My gut says there is a problem, but I've never been able to trust my gut. I always feel that he is right. That's mostly due to low self esteem issues that's I've always had.
I have no idea how I can prepare if I did need to leave him. We can go to our daughters house temporarily. As it is we don't have enough money from his income each month. I have been a stay at home mom for most of our 29 years. A minimum wage job part time is the most I can get. I did look into getting and AS or BS in accounting, but that's out of our reach. $8,000 for AS and over $50,000 for the BS. I am going to try and figure out a way to start. He is working 7 days a week right now so I can put a little away at a time. However, I cannot even imagine leaving him right now. It's not a negative situation here. However, if it gets to be I will. Don't know if I will divorce even if I leave. I won't look for another relationship either. I'd rather be on my own. My kids are 11 and 13 yr girls, 15 and 19 yr boys. Oldest is 27yr girl wth 2.5 yr son. I won't be bored.
Lyssy: I have read that post. I think that's part of my struggle. My gut says there is a problem, but I've never been able to trust my gut. I always feel that he is right. That's mostly due to low self esteem issues that's I've always had.
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Your post reminds me of my AH. When I voiced concerns about his drinking, he went to drinking in secret. Over the years I thought I was going crazy trying to figure out what was actually going on. Sometimes I thought it was our marriage, sometimes I would think it was his drinking, sometimes I would think my imagination was over active. I too would flip between "I'm over reacting" to "I think there's a problem".
He, too, was involved with the kids and their sports and generally a good father, until the distance or "there in body only" was unmistakable.
I felt disloyal and that I was a bad person for suspecting he was an alcoholic. I felt I had to be absolutely sure before I could believe he was. Eventually I got that proof (for me) when I saw him pouring vodka into his morning coffee.
Now, I believe I never really needed that absolute proof. I knew there was a problem. I knew it was related to him drinking. I knew his secret drinking was a problem. I knew I had an issue with how things were. I now know that that's all I needed to know.
My AH reacted similarly when I told him I was going to a support group. I now know, that's not my problem.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not crazy, not imagining things, there is an issue and it is a valid one. You can now move forward and help yourself, whatever that looks like for you.
He, too, was involved with the kids and their sports and generally a good father, until the distance or "there in body only" was unmistakable.
I felt disloyal and that I was a bad person for suspecting he was an alcoholic. I felt I had to be absolutely sure before I could believe he was. Eventually I got that proof (for me) when I saw him pouring vodka into his morning coffee.
Now, I believe I never really needed that absolute proof. I knew there was a problem. I knew it was related to him drinking. I knew his secret drinking was a problem. I knew I had an issue with how things were. I now know that that's all I needed to know.
My AH reacted similarly when I told him I was going to a support group. I now know, that's not my problem.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not crazy, not imagining things, there is an issue and it is a valid one. You can now move forward and help yourself, whatever that looks like for you.
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Originally Posted by 9111111
I used to struggle with "acceptance" too, until I started calling it my "person bottomline" - seeing things for what their are, rather than focusing on what I want them to be.
When you look into buying a business you need to see and understand the numbers - only then you can predict if the outcome of your investment will be a positive one. Looking at the numbers, accepting the bottom line got me un-stuck..I finally saw that my investment went nowhere.
When you look into buying a business you need to see and understand the numbers - only then you can predict if the outcome of your investment will be a positive one. Looking at the numbers, accepting the bottom line got me un-stuck..I finally saw that my investment went nowhere.
)
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Originally Posted by giliji
JusaAGirl: I have read that post. Part of my problem is that I don't usually know when he is drinking. He doesn't affect the family in the obvious ways. Our home life is overall peaceful. The major issue is his withdrawal from the family. One of the biggest thing is that we can no longer count on him. That affects our 27yr old most of all. But that's not going to change if I leave him. Neither will his withdrawal.
I have no idea how I can prepare if I did need to leave him. We can go to our daughters house temporarily. As it is we don't have enough money from his income each month. I have been a stay at home mom for most of our 29 years. A minimum wage job part time is the most I can get. I did look into getting and AS or BS in accounting, but that's out of our reach. $8,000 for AS and over $50,000 for the BS. I am going to try and figure out a way to start. He is working 7 days a week right now so I can put a little away at a time. However, I cannot even imagine leaving him right now. It's not a negative situation here. However, if it gets to be I will. Don't know if I will divorce even if I leave. I won't look for another relationship either. I'd rather be on my own. My kids are 11 and 13 yr girls, 15 and 19 yr boys. Oldest is 27yr girl wth 2.5 yr son. I won't be bored.
I have no idea how I can prepare if I did need to leave him. We can go to our daughters house temporarily. As it is we don't have enough money from his income each month. I have been a stay at home mom for most of our 29 years. A minimum wage job part time is the most I can get. I did look into getting and AS or BS in accounting, but that's out of our reach. $8,000 for AS and over $50,000 for the BS. I am going to try and figure out a way to start. He is working 7 days a week right now so I can put a little away at a time. However, I cannot even imagine leaving him right now. It's not a negative situation here. However, if it gets to be I will. Don't know if I will divorce even if I leave. I won't look for another relationship either. I'd rather be on my own. My kids are 11 and 13 yr girls, 15 and 19 yr boys. Oldest is 27yr girl wth 2.5 yr son. I won't be bored.
Also, if you're in alanon, maybe try to look for other men and women who are still with their A and have been in the program long-term? Especially those who seem really peaceful. They will have wisdom that those of us who did not stay may not have learned.
I'm sorry, gilji. Just try to be easy on yourself and take it one day at a time. Focus on the baby steps.
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9111: My family is awesome. I always say I have the best kids ever. My oldest is going through this with me the most. She helps me stay centered. I don't go to her all the time because she is struggling herself. She's so much older than the others and is daddy's little girl. He just walked her down the aisle 11/3/13. It pains her greatly that she can't count on her daddy anymore 
wellnowwhat: your story sounds exactly the same. Thank you for sharing. I guess I do know the truth. It's just hard to wrap my head around the fact that my awesome husband isn't so awesome anymore I am going to al-anon and another support group. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
Lyssy: This scares me. I'm glad you said that. I know not to drag my feet with whatever I need to do with myself and my children.
wellnowwhat: your story sounds exactly the same. Thank you for sharing. I guess I do know the truth. It's just hard to wrap my head around the fact that my awesome husband isn't so awesome anymore
I am going to al-anon and another support group. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.Lyssy:
In my limited experience when the A starts going past the "functioning" part it is a fairly rapid downward spiral.
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Don't worry JustAGirl, I have read what you posted a lot in different places. I can't imagine leaving him, but if he starts abusing us in anyway I don't know how I can stay. Although I would rather he leave since we built a big home (we did all the labor) for all of us. I doubt that would happen though. I'm sure if it came to that he would be beyond reason.
one day at a time, one day at a time - I keep trying to say that to myself.
Thank you for your help.
one day at a time, one day at a time - I keep trying to say that to myself.
Thank you for your help.
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Well, what I first wanted to tell you is just to go on about your business. That time will tell. However, you have children that he is obviously driving in a car. Since they are #1 you will have to find a way to find out. Is he the type of person who would drive them while drinking? Do you know? Their safety has to remain your priority. If you don't know then I would say you are going to have find out if he is drinking and driving your kids. If he is, you will have to make that stop.
While it is a hassle, I don't let my AH drive my kids much at all. I ALWAYS speak with him first (but I can always tell if he has been drinking at all). I do let him take my older daughter to school in the morning as I know he has not drank then. For the most part, every single thing they do I drive them to. I carpool. I ask favors from friends. Basically as if I were a single parent. I figure if I get a divorce that is how it will have to be anyways. If (when) I do divorce I plan to have my AH pick my kids up from me. That will be part of the parenting plan. He will have to show up and I will have to see him so I know he will not drive them when he is drinking.
If he is not the type to drive your children while drinking I would say leave him be. I learned with my AH that just because I was not pushing him at that moment did not mean he was not trying. He would try to remain sober, however it never worked out. I believe anyone who does recover has to do so for themselves. That being said, hiding it in the garage and being secretive does not contribute to working a program.
I agree with the above poster who said have a plan in place. I hope you never have to use that plan, but to have a plan in place is a good thing for anyone. I say this for everyone as I work in the insurance industry and you would not believe how many people lose a loved one only to come in a total mess with no idea about how to run their finances and home. I know that is different but it may help you in putting together your plan.
I hope you keep going to meetings. One thing that tipped me off in a negative way is that he was upset that you were at a meeting. Many addicts HATE when we get support as they know their addiction will come to light and that it is quite likely we will be strong enough to make some changes in our lives. They want to continue to go on and do what they do and for you to say...nothing.
Lastly I will say do not see yourself as being any less because you don't know if he has been drinking or not. Many folks on here will tell you their spouse drank for years and they had no idea. They become sneaky and hide things. It is good your mind does not work that way.
Hugs and God Bless. We are here with you!
While it is a hassle, I don't let my AH drive my kids much at all. I ALWAYS speak with him first (but I can always tell if he has been drinking at all). I do let him take my older daughter to school in the morning as I know he has not drank then. For the most part, every single thing they do I drive them to. I carpool. I ask favors from friends. Basically as if I were a single parent. I figure if I get a divorce that is how it will have to be anyways. If (when) I do divorce I plan to have my AH pick my kids up from me. That will be part of the parenting plan. He will have to show up and I will have to see him so I know he will not drive them when he is drinking.
If he is not the type to drive your children while drinking I would say leave him be. I learned with my AH that just because I was not pushing him at that moment did not mean he was not trying. He would try to remain sober, however it never worked out. I believe anyone who does recover has to do so for themselves. That being said, hiding it in the garage and being secretive does not contribute to working a program.
I agree with the above poster who said have a plan in place. I hope you never have to use that plan, but to have a plan in place is a good thing for anyone. I say this for everyone as I work in the insurance industry and you would not believe how many people lose a loved one only to come in a total mess with no idea about how to run their finances and home. I know that is different but it may help you in putting together your plan.
I hope you keep going to meetings. One thing that tipped me off in a negative way is that he was upset that you were at a meeting. Many addicts HATE when we get support as they know their addiction will come to light and that it is quite likely we will be strong enough to make some changes in our lives. They want to continue to go on and do what they do and for you to say...nothing.
Lastly I will say do not see yourself as being any less because you don't know if he has been drinking or not. Many folks on here will tell you their spouse drank for years and they had no idea. They become sneaky and hide things. It is good your mind does not work that way.
Hugs and God Bless. We are here with you!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by giliji
My gut says there is a problem, but I've never been able to trust my gut. I always feel that he is right. That's mostly due to low self esteem issues that's I've always had.
This is all still very new to you so be gentle with yourself. These problems have been forming for a long time so it will take awhile to figure out how you want to deal with them, much less actually taking the action to do so. You do have a wonderful family around you, so one thing I suggest thinking about is what is the message about yourself & your relationship that you are sending to your children? There are many stories here of relationship patterns that repeat generation after generation...your awareness of your situation gives you the ability to change the story. So what do you want your story to be?
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Is he the type of person who would drive them while drinking?
hiding it in the garage and being secretive does not contribute to working a program
Thank you!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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what is the message about yourself & your relationship that you are sending to your children?
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Talked to AH. I hoped we would be different and he would hear what I was saying. Nope. I'm so glad for the replies here. They helped me not give up in my mind. I known he lied about when he last had a drink. When I told him I know it had been more recent he told me that he doesn't keep track.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
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I was right where you are for years. My denial was so strong and I rationalized everything. My husband was in the early stage of alcoholism for a long time. Maybe 10 years. He was functional for a long time too but then its like a switch was flipped and he went down hard and fast. It was terrifying.
Good for you for going to a support group meeting and reading up on alcoholism. Keep it up. I think those things plus time will help you get a clearer understanding of the situation.
My husband withdrew from the family too. Its like a wedge (in the form of a bottle) was slowly being driven between us. It's only in looking back that I can see how damaging that was for our family.
Good luck in your journey. Don't forget to take care of yourself. All that worry and doubt can be so stressful.
Good for you for going to a support group meeting and reading up on alcoholism. Keep it up. I think those things plus time will help you get a clearer understanding of the situation.
My husband withdrew from the family too. Its like a wedge (in the form of a bottle) was slowly being driven between us. It's only in looking back that I can see how damaging that was for our family.
Good luck in your journey. Don't forget to take care of yourself. All that worry and doubt can be so stressful.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by giliji
Talked to AH. I hoped we would be different and he would hear what I was saying. Nope. I'm so glad for the replies here. They helped me not give up in my mind. I known he lied about when he last had a drink. When I told him I know it had been more recent he told me that he doesn't keep track.
And not knowing when he had his last drink b/c "he doesn't keep track"? Please!!
Wishing you strength and clarity, giliji.
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Honestly I don't think I know how to take care of myself. Never really have I guess. I don't have the energy or will to do what I think that is like exercise, eat right, have a hobby. I love being with my kids. Most of the time lol
He has told me before that he didnt know when his last drink was. This was way before I knew there was a problem. Answer "it's been awhile". Me: " just in general, days, weeks, months?". Him: I don't know I don't keep track. So when he said it again my heart sank. After talking with him I know for sure.
I'm so incredibly sad. I don't even have hope. I can't. I don't trust people much but I have trusted him more than myself. I feel like my future has disappeared. We were going to grow old together. Enjoy our grown children and grandchildren. Continue to be partners as long as we live. Our lives and souls were one. That's what I was taught. We lived it. Now I'm told I need to detach?? OMG!! How am I going to get through today much less the rest of my life??
The kids are home from school today. We actually had 2 inches of snow. They are in heaven. I can usually keep it together around them. They see me sad sometimes but not like this. I know they will all want to comfort me, try and help me feel better. They all have been told/know their dad has a drinking problem, that its an illness and will get worse if he doesn't get help. Maybe I said too much. I dont know. But I can't tell them how I feel and what's going on in my head.
He has told me before that he didnt know when his last drink was. This was way before I knew there was a problem. Answer "it's been awhile". Me: " just in general, days, weeks, months?". Him: I don't know I don't keep track. So when he said it again my heart sank. After talking with him I know for sure.
I'm so incredibly sad. I don't even have hope. I can't. I don't trust people much but I have trusted him more than myself. I feel like my future has disappeared. We were going to grow old together. Enjoy our grown children and grandchildren. Continue to be partners as long as we live. Our lives and souls were one. That's what I was taught. We lived it. Now I'm told I need to detach?? OMG!! How am I going to get through today much less the rest of my life??
The kids are home from school today. We actually had 2 inches of snow. They are in heaven
. I can usually keep it together around them. They see me sad sometimes but not like this. I know they will all want to comfort me, try and help me feel better. They all have been told/know their dad has a drinking problem, that its an illness and will get worse if he doesn't get help. Maybe I said too much. I dont know. But I can't tell them how I feel and what's going on in my head.
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Hello giliji, Welcome!
Try to enjoy your kids and the snow today! What fun....we have maybe 1.5 inches here.
You probably have a lot of thoughts and fears and doubts swirling around in your mind right now....and that's OK. The good news? You don't have to have all the answers right here, right now. It was a relief to me to learn that I did not have to come up with the perfect plan for myself and my life right on the spot. I could take the time to make a 'considered decision'.
I hope you will make it back to that support group meeting! Face-to-face support can be invaluable
Hope you enjoy your day, today!
Try to enjoy your kids and the snow today! What fun....we have maybe 1.5 inches here.
You probably have a lot of thoughts and fears and doubts swirling around in your mind right now....and that's OK. The good news? You don't have to have all the answers right here, right now. It was a relief to me to learn that I did not have to come up with the perfect plan for myself and my life right on the spot. I could take the time to make a 'considered decision'.
I hope you will make it back to that support group meeting! Face-to-face support can be invaluable
Hope you enjoy your day, today!
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