sojourner

giliji: Glad you are here. Lots of wisdom in the responses you have gotten.

I only want to put a spin on the separation/ divorce side of things: As a separated person, you could still be legally liable for the debts your husband incurs even after you live apart - credit card debt, overdraws on the bank accounts, lawsuits from accidents, etc. And also what it does for your credit score. So what a divorce does (even just filing for divorce) is protect you from all that. Having said that, every state has different laws. A lawyer could inform you of the details - so please do not shut out the word "divorce" just because you do not want to divorce your husband - it could be just simply a survival step for you and your children.

I know you are not there yet (and you never may be) - I just wanted to let you know that there are different reasons to divorce oneself from a marriage (which, in the eyes of the state, is simply a business partnership, not a spiritual union).

Hang in there. I really hang onto your words about going back and forth between "does he have a problem or doesn't he?" I do that with my 27 YO son who uses drugs and alcohol. When my son lived with me, I saw him under the influence maybe 10 times in 5 years. Now that he does not live with me, my other children get very adamant with me when I say there is a drug/alcohol problem here - they just think he is lazy and immature!!

Keep coming back! You and your family (including your husband) are worth it!

giliji

Thanks Sojourner. I hope it doesn't ever come to that, but I appreciate your information. As it is now both our credit scores are horrible and we don't have enough money to cover our monthly debts. It's not due to his drinking, we have always struggled with money. Well, except for his Hummer purchase that he just had to have even though we couldn't afford it.

hopeful4

I am sorry. The "I don't keep track" is a bunch of crap...I know you know that. Of course someone knows if it has been a second, an hour, or a month! Please do not expect change from him. It sounds like he has no plans to change, so that will be up to you!

I encourage you to make sure about driving with the kids. One way I confronted my AH about this was, "look, I know you drink sometimes. I know you love the kids and agree their safety has to be #1. If you are ever drinking and cannot drive them, please, please be honest and I won't say a word. I would rather know and keep our kids safe than you risking their lives by putting them in the car. I would never want to have to do anything like call the police but keeping our kids safe is my first priority and if you ever put them in the car when you have been drinking I will immediately call the police, no questions asked. It would break my heart but their safety is our first priority in life."

I was not confrontational, just made it very very clear this is what would happen. He knows I mean it, and I definitely do.

I am sorry you have this pain. I have always felt as though dealing with a marriage falling apart for any reason we experience grief just like we would if someone close to us passed away. It is a big loss. Give yourself time to go through those steps. Don't isolate yourself. Try to enjoy being in the moment with your children as much as possible. Be kind to yourself.

Many Hugs. We are here with you.

JustAGirl1971

Giliji, maybe step one for you would just be to reclaim some semblance of a life for yourself? Something separate from your AH & children & their related activities? Could be a part time job (which would help you gain work experience and provide some additional income), a class, or just some sort of fun group that has nothing to do with your AH, children, or alcoholism?

Being painfully honest here, but I think I spent much of my marriage expecting the things and people in my life to bring me happiness. My expectations actually gave my AH more reason to drink (not that an A ever needs a reason) because he was trying to make me happy and was failing. It wasn't his job to make me happy, it was my job. The truth is, I lost myself in our marriage. Not his fault. Totally on me. Outside of work, kids/kids' activities, church activities, AH, & family, I really didn't have a life for me. Now that my marriage is over and my kids are older (youngest is 14), I am struggling to reclaim a life for myself. I am working on a plan but it's slow and painful.

I think, as mothers, it's so easy to wrap our lives up in our families that we lose sight of ourselves. Hopefully, that's not an issue for you, like it is for me, but I think finding something just for ourselves is a key to finding happiness and peace despite our circumstances. That's what I want. Happiness and peace despite whatever circumstances I find myself in. Alanon is definitely helping me with that, but ultimately, it's still on me to find that life for myself.

JustAGirl1971

This is exactly what it feels like. I am grieving and it's painful. I'm working through this alanon book and it's helpful: Opening Our Hearts & Transforming Our Losses.

unsureoffuture

MY ADH is very similar. He hides the drinking so it's not obvious to others. I know for me, I have been dealing with this for years....the acceptance, the doubt over and over and over. When things are good..his behaviors, mood, level of interaction etc I think this is great, Im making a big deal out of things. I can accept and handle the way things are if only they would stay that way. I ahve hope and things are good.
Then..., a behavior happens, he withdraws from me and the kids, I find more bottles, his responses seem a bit slower or he "falls asleep/ passes out" on the couch late at night and I know its a problem again and I must do something about it because I fear the downward spiral in the future. That is the cycle I live with.

Overall deep down though I know it's a problem. I know he refuses to acknowledge there is a problem. I know being dihonest (hiding alcohol) is not a good foundation for marriage. I also know that any spouse that is doing something they know bothers the another family member is not being respectful. That is why I am here because my gut and logic is saying something is wrong.

I am still with my A, but planning to leave. I have spent the last year making that plan. My advise is to stay with Al-anon, work the steps, focus on you and the kids, devise a plan for if and when you need to leave (you never have to use it if you choose not to but just having it gives you a sense of stability), get healthy, eat right, sleep right, exercise, get more involved with activities outside the house. in other words, do all the things that make you happy. Whatever will be will be- we have no control over it and more will be revealed.

giliji

I am trying so hard not to expect change, but there is a part of me that thinks he will. I really need this advice to keep my head on straight. I am also glad for the wording about not letting him drive the kids. When he's with they boys usually one of them drive. They both know not to let him drive if they even suspect him of drinking. Although I have told them to drive anyway. They both have their permit and need to practice. He very rarely has the girls, but I will used your words with him anyway. I did tell him I doubted he would drink and drive, but I do want to make sure. If I didn't I would blame myself horribly if something happened.

JustAGirl: Part of my problem is that I don't know what that would be/look like. I did have a part time job for a couple years and I did enjoy having that most of the time. Then my oldest moved back and I am watching my grandson while she works. With her hours she would never be able to find daycare. She does pay me and I think I am going to start putting that in a savings account. Since I handle all the finances (except his spending, ugh!) AH wouldn't even know.
I don't know what I could do for me. My therapist has told me the same. She asks what I like to do and I can't think of anything other than play with my kids. I don't have any money to do anything else. I can't think of anything else. But you are right, I have lost myself over the years. AH hasn't stopped me at all. He would love for me to have something for myself. I wish I could think of something. Maybe I will look at the tech college. My mom-in-law took pottery classes there awhile ago. Not my thing buy maybe there will be something else

I had my babies and, of course, they took all my time. Then I homeschooled for 14 years, but put them in public school when a major crisis hit. Now they are old enough for me to be me. I have no idea what that looks like. Everyone says to take care of myself, but I have trouble doing that when it comes to being healthy. I feel like such a loser

JustAGirl1971

I know it's hard, giliji. I, too, have lost my way and am scrambling trying to find it. I think taking a class at the tech college is a good idea. Maybe a class that looks interesting but could also help with a possible future job like a computer class, web design, or, since you mentioned accounting, a basic accounting or business class? They're typically only one night/week for 16 weeks so not a huge commitment if you don't like it. Just start small.

I also think setting aside at least part of the baby sitting money is wise. You can do this! I know it's hard but try not to focus on the enormity of it - just focus on each baby step...

cricket123

I could of wrote many of these post.

Enjoy your snow, we got 17 inches in early January than it has been colder here then in Alaska lol.

Kids have had 6 snow days this month. But most of them have been too cold to go out. Build me a snowman

hopeful4

You are not a loser! You have just never taken the time to examine YOU!!! Maybe you should just try some different things with not a big time committment. A couple classes here or there, photography, pottery, a reading club, whatever. Try different things until you find something that clicks that you like and lets you relax and enjoy yourself.

It's baby steps!!! You can do this!