It starts with 1.....again
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
It starts with 1.....again
I could give you the sad details, the angry rants, the blame game he said/she said stuff, but it is really all the same puzzle isn't it? We all just have different colored pieces to plug into it. So with that I will get to the point. RAXH/ live in boyfriend has been on a 6 month road heading to relapse. I beat him to it. I crashed & burned a horrible relapse into the depths of insanity. After a 12 hour denial session today I finally caved and admitted to myself I am effed up.
How did this happen? How in the world did I jump back on the roller coaster of doom yet again? I will tell you how. Confidence. Denial. Comfort. I was confident he had this. I was comfortable believing I don't need to work the steps everyday. I was in denial that my fairytale castle was crumbling. I failed to plan.
He obtained sobriety 4.5 years ago. I set the boundary that if he drinks, I am gone. I failed to plan for a different arm of the monster. I failed to accept that sobriety could change to dry drunk and old habits would come back. I failed to stay true to ME. EH, I failed all together.
So. Here I am. Starting again with 1. Searching for my elusive serenitythat I absolutey cherish yet failed to nurture. How can I judge anyone for not cultivating their own flower beds when I let mine wither and die?
Brutal honesty. I hate me. I hate him. I hate everything. I hate who I have become. I hate life. My life has become unmanageable. I am powerless & I need help. I want someone to make it better. Anyone. I want the easy fix but it doesn't happen that way. Once again I must face myself in the mirror, admit I too am a monster and start the uphill battle. Omg how I hate this. Seriously WTF is wrong with me?
How did this happen? How in the world did I jump back on the roller coaster of doom yet again? I will tell you how. Confidence. Denial. Comfort. I was confident he had this. I was comfortable believing I don't need to work the steps everyday. I was in denial that my fairytale castle was crumbling. I failed to plan.
He obtained sobriety 4.5 years ago. I set the boundary that if he drinks, I am gone. I failed to plan for a different arm of the monster. I failed to accept that sobriety could change to dry drunk and old habits would come back. I failed to stay true to ME. EH, I failed all together.
So. Here I am. Starting again with 1. Searching for my elusive serenitythat I absolutey cherish yet failed to nurture. How can I judge anyone for not cultivating their own flower beds when I let mine wither and die?
Brutal honesty. I hate me. I hate him. I hate everything. I hate who I have become. I hate life. My life has become unmanageable. I am powerless & I need help. I want someone to make it better. Anyone. I want the easy fix but it doesn't happen that way. Once again I must face myself in the mirror, admit I too am a monster and start the uphill battle. Omg how I hate this. Seriously WTF is wrong with me?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello aboutdone, Welcome back! Sorry for what brings you here again, though 
Well, I don't think there is anything wrong with you--you are just a human being like the rest of us, and the changes probably happened pretty gradually until you found yourself hip-deep in codie land again!
There is good news, though!! You recognized it, and you are reaching out for help again
Those are both wonderful things.
You know the tools, you just need to dig around and find them--dust them off.
Sending hugs!! You've got this!
Well, I don't think there is anything wrong with you--you are just a human being like the rest of us, and the changes probably happened pretty gradually until you found yourself hip-deep in codie land again!
There is good news, though!! You recognized it, and you are reaching out for help again
Those are both wonderful things.You know the tools, you just need to dig around and find them--dust them off.
Sending hugs!! You've got this!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I wake up every day at Step 1. It's not just the A in our lives. We really are our own qualifiers. So, Step 1, every day. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. Bit the difference in those who achieve long-term success and those who don't is remembering that when the going gets tough, the tough get back to basics. Be kind to yourself. You're on the right track.
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