It starts with 1.....again I could give you the sad details, the angry rants, the blame game he said/she said stuff, but it is really all the same puzzle isn't it? We all just have different colored pieces to plug into it. So with that I will get to the point. RAXH/ live in boyfriend has been on a 6 month road heading to relapse. I beat him to it. I crashed & burned a horrible relapse into the depths of insanity. After a 12 hour denial session today I finally caved and admitted to myself I am effed up. How did this happen? How in the world did I jump back on the roller coaster of doom yet again? I will tell you how. Confidence. Denial. Comfort. I was confident he had this. I was comfortable believing I don't need to work the steps everyday. I was in denial that my fairytale castle was crumbling. I failed to plan. He obtained sobriety 4.5 years ago. I set the boundary that if he drinks, I am gone. I failed to plan for a different arm of the monster. I failed to accept that sobriety could change to dry drunk and old habits would come back. I failed to stay true to ME. EH, I failed all together. So. Here I am. Starting again with 1. Searching for my elusive serenitythat I absolutey cherish yet failed to nurture. How can I judge anyone for not cultivating their own flower beds when I let mine wither and die? Brutal honesty. I hate me. I hate him. I hate everything. I hate who I have become. I hate life. My life has become unmanageable. I am powerless & I need help. I want someone to make it better. Anyone. I want the easy fix but it doesn't happen that way. Once again I must face myself in the mirror, admit I too am a monster and start the uphill battle. Omg how I hate this. Seriously WTF is wrong with me? :headbange |
Hello aboutdone, Welcome back! Sorry for what brings you here again, though :( Well, I don't think there is anything wrong with you--you are just a human being like the rest of us, and the changes probably happened pretty gradually until you found yourself hip-deep in codie land again! There is good news, though!! You recognized it, and you are reaching out for help again :) Those are both wonderful things. You know the tools, you just need to dig around and find them--dust them off. Sending hugs!! You've got this! |
Know how u feel in that same state of mind |
I wake up every day at Step 1. It's not just the A in our lives. We really are our own qualifiers. So, Step 1, every day. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. Bit the difference in those who achieve long-term success and those who don't is remembering that when the going gets tough, the tough get back to basics. Be kind to yourself. You're on the right track. |
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