healthyagain

At the moment, I do not feel like seeing him or talking to him, at all. It is pointless! Last night culminated in him vomiting. I was in the living room, kicked out from my bed basically, trying to fall asleep on the sofa (and everything started with him not having some fresh garlic for his meatless stew). I was not resisting, I was not talking to him or arguing, just trying to ignore him, but I could still hear the sounds (and it was the usual cussing at first). But that vomiting sound got me worried. So, I went to see if he was OK. And then he looked at me, and said, "What?" As if I was interrupting something incredibly important, as he was hugging that bucket. And the only thing I could really do was to close the door. I was speechless. After 10 minutes or so, he was snoring.

I just do not even see how I am going to make myself communicate with him today (or tomorrow, or the day after)! I am just so appalled. I do not even know who he is anymore! I have some vomiting freak sleeping in my bedroom?! Does he even remember this crap?

I can detach from something that I expect, but how do you detach from these shocking episodes, when things get worse? Or should you always expect the unexpected?

Hammer

Detach now? But then you may miss some of the show.

And you DID buy front row tickets, right?

Sounds like you are just getting to enjoy some of the memorable sight-seeing along the way.

One along those lines . . .

One in her mom's kitchen with us all staring at her --

==========

With stoned look after just vomiting . . .

"What? I do not see why everyone else is so upset -- I feel fine."

healthyagain

Yeah, I've been buying front row tickets for several seasons now!

You know what they do to puppies when they poop on the carpet? Why can't we just rub our spouses' noses in puke, and problem solved?

Florence

Mmm, I don't think you're supposed to. To me, detachment is something you practice around things you can't control in the short term, or for the short term while you make plans to do other things. This, to me, is a big ol' hairy red flag. It's not something to detach from and compartmentalize. It's a traffic cone next to a spotlight with neon arrows flashing "WARNING WARNING WARNING."

Get on with YOUR life, certainly. But have anxiety over how to talk to him after this? Nah.

I know a big step for me was telling my STBXAH that I didn't care what he did after dark anymore, but that I was sleeping in the bed, and if he was screwing around until 3am doing god knows what he could sleep elsewhere. It was amazing what kind of clarity I got with a few good night's sleeps under my belt.

Self-care is a priority. If he can't respect that, make sure he and his potential and actual reactions aren't one of your priorities.

healthyagain

There is no anxiety. I have no desire to talk to him or see him. I do not have desire to fight over my bed or set boundaries. I feel like finding my own space, no husbands, partners allowed. I feel like being single again. I practically daydream of being alone doing what I want, and when I want it, seeing my friends, going out. I am so tired of this heaviness, of this pressure, uncertainty.

shil2587

This sounds like me when I am depressed. A sort of numbness and desire to just escape. It was only when I intellectually said I need to do X that I started feeling again, although it did take two years to feel like other people feel. It sounds to me like you could be suffering depression. Intellectually I am sure you know that your bed is YOUR bed and setting boundaries is a good thing. I suspect if you act on that knowledge, even though you don't feel it, your feelings will slowly return to something more normal, for you. Mine were certainly being held down as a self defense mechanism. Get rid of what causing that response and I found my numbness ended.

You CAN improve things. Xxx

healthyagain

Thank you for your answer, shil. You call that numbness, and to me it manifests as the absence of heartbeat. This bed thing has been going on for years, as he needed "space" for whatever he was doing. And it is my fault. He always complains he has no space, so I gave him all the space he wanted. But thank you for your insight! I probably am depressed, but I honestly want to be single again. There is this thing about my hubby that he baits you into fights, so in the end you look like an abuser. He is really, really awesome at that. This is why I stay away from verbal encounters, and in general do not respond, and he was drunk last night, so . . .

I will have to finally decide (for real) whether I truly want to stay with him, whether I want to bother, and what are my further steps. Do I really want to fight for that bed? Do I want a new bed? Or should he start looking for a new bed? I do not love this blob of negativity that he has become, sucking life out of me.

blake1989

Hey healthyagain. Couldn't help but reply because I could have almost written this.

I have been unable to detach from the shock and awe/trauma of the drunken episodes. They torment me.

I used to look forward to seeing her every minute of every day. I used to look up dinners we could make together, and we would. I now suspect those were days she carefully scheduled around solitary drinking days after work when we didn't see each other. Because last week I walked in on one of those planned days. Now I just identify with what you said. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to see her. The 'i love you' texts break my heart and alternately make me think 'do you remember any of the other night?'

I don't know if yours remembers. The sad part is mine does not. She remembers I drove away, but I will have to explain to her like a child that the reason I left was that she was becoming violent. And she will say I misunderstood her actions - that she was being 'loving' and she is just a 'drama queen' and that she 'needs to lay off the booze'. Those are actual quotes I've gotten before.

Expect the unexpected? I realized it has become a way of life for me and I can't keep doing it. Before I found SR, I was just googling things, trying to see if what I suspected was true. The first one I found was this very simplistic site that said 'living with an alcoholic is like living in a war zone'. I did not understand that statement, and at the time, it didn't feel like a war zone. Now I feel like I have completed many tours of duty.

I understand where you're coming from, and I'm sorry.

AnvilheadII

There is no anxiety. I have no desire to talk to him or see him. I do not have desire to fight over my bed or set boundaries. I feel like finding my own space, no husbands, partners allowed. I feel like being single again. I practically daydream of being alone doing what I want, and when I want it, seeing my friends, going out. I am so tired of this heaviness, of this pressure, uncertainty.

the what holds you back? certainly not the vomit!

NorCaliGal

Yep this is exactly what my BF has done in the past. Complained about needing space. What he wanted was space to drink and feel like it doesn't impact me (guess what buddy, even if you are drinking only in "your" space - which for my BF is the garage - it impacts me!) But then when you give them space they say "what's wrong, why are you not watching tv with me, we never spend time together, blah blah blah" or whatever. Gah! Also, my BF is starting to bait me into fights. On Friday night he had the tv on and was listening to music on his computer - both so loud that I couldn't hear the tv in the separate room I was in. Rather than ask him to turn it down, which would have invited him to complain about my communication style, or that I'm trying to mother him, I just turned the tv I was watching off and went upstairs. I had barely put my foot on the first step and he said "Is this too loud?" Well of course he knew it was. You'd have to be an idiot not to realize it was too loud. He was looking for an argument.

NCG

Pia

Hi healthyagain - Its been a few days since I posted but I was immediately drawn to your post. I feel like you took parts of my story and I was reading it and feeling it all over again. Those nights and the sayings of "What" are drilled in my head.
I separated from my AH. I am so happy I did. I have the best sleep ever amazing what a pillow behind you can do for the first week lol. The manipulation and lies drove me insane. Having AH leave had nothing to do with love for him it had to do with loving me and my sanity. My AH was not wanting to quit I talked to him and explained to him how he was hurting himself and me and he didn't care there for I knew I had done all I could. You can only bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
I highly recommend the book Melody Beattie Codependent No More book. It talks about detachment and taking care of yourself. I worked the book while we were together. After the anger subsided and I was left alone and the quietness crept in and doubts I looked at my notes and pics I took of him while he was passed out and that reaffirmed to me my decision.
Like I said earlier I haven't posted in a few days because I have been getting on with my life and how wonderful it is. I don't have all the answers to where my life is headed but I am so thankful I had him leave.

healthyagain

If I only knew.

BTW, he is SUUUUUPER NICE this evening. Not that this changes how I feel right now.

healthyagain

I was trying to figure out what is holding me back. I do not think it is his niceness after the episodes, certainly not the love.

So, here is what I came up with:

In many many things, we are like conjoined twins, sharing some vital organs (finances, bank accounts, home, car, pets, bed, and no, no kids). So, in order to keep functioning separately, I need to create (or clone) my very own vital organs, and this is something that I am doing right now, making myself independent. I honestly do not know how and when (and if) this relationship is going to end. But what I know for sure is that I must start functioning as a separate entity, the one I used to be. So, I am taking baby steps, staying out of verbal conflict (and possible physical encounters), building my career, and saving some money.

hopeful4

It's not a marathon! Take the time you need to get your life in order. However..do realize you said he is "sucking the life out of you." You only get once chance at life, do you want it to be this?

I know just what you mean about this. I thought our life was so intertwined it would be hard to separate. Well...surprise, surprise. My attorney advised me it will be amazingly much more simple than I thought as far as that type of stuff. The laws make it pretty cut and clear.

Good for you to start looking forward to what you need to do...FOR YOU.

HUGS!

Pia

"You only get once chance at life"
I thought of this the other day how fortunate I was that I get to start over with a clean slate. I know I have things I have to work on for me of course. I just thought it was neat to know I am wiser especially about alcohol and drugs now and I will be more selective. I have many short term and long term goals that I never could reach before.