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Old 01-27-2014, 07:38 AM
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Wtf???

Ok, so I am a bit confused. My AW of almost 30yrs has been a bottle+ of wine a day for years. Late last week we are talking and she says out of the blue that she is going to quit drinking. Not because of all the strife that it has caused in the family, but because she has some fairly important art stuff coming up and she doesnt want to look "frumpy". The thing is she hasnt had anything to drink, other than one glass yesterday at lunch. She comments on how much better she feels, how much more energy she has etc. When we were first married she quit cold smoking cold turkey and never smoked again. Can this be true with alcohol or is it a different kind of addiction? I am not holding my breath because she has said in the past that she needs to cut back and it lasts for a few days then it starts again with a vengance. I must say it is really nice having my wife back these few days. We are laughing, have been cuddling on the couch and truly enjoying each others company. But I have told myself that actions speak louder than words. The art stuff is the end of Feburary through March. It be interesting to see what happens after that is over. The reasoning of why she isnt drinking I think is important. She is doing it to look better, not because of the family. Hopefully though it will be enough for her to quit for good.
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Old 01-27-2014, 07:40 AM
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A.A.A.A.

Just so you know when . . . You ask why?

Always All About (the) Alcoholic.
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Old 01-27-2014, 07:42 AM
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Not everyone who drinks heavily is an alcoholic. Perhaps she is one of those people who haven't yet crossed that line. In any case, whatever the reason, I'm glad she is planning to quit.
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Old 01-27-2014, 07:55 AM
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Or she might be quacking. Stick to actions. Words suck.
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Old 01-27-2014, 08:14 AM
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My husband has quit many times during our marriage and his almost 30 years of drinking. He will quit anywhere from a few weeks to a year at a time. He always starts back though. And, the thing is, it always escalates. He'll quit. After a while, he'll decide to drink again, just "less." And, he does drink less... for a while but something will happen (a party where he'll drink too much, or a stressor that will "cause" him to drink too much, or... just life) and pretty soon he'll be drinking as much or more than he was when he quit. I don't know if that means he's not an alcoholic or not? Maybe he just abuses alcohol, I don't know. I've struggled with this question for months. I feel like I go around and around. These sets of behavior will speak to addiction... these not so much.

In the end, I don't think it matters whether he's an alcoholic or not. The end result is the same. It affects our family negatively. He's moody, depressed, withdrawn, or angry, verbally abusive, and on a rare occasion, physically abusive during his heavy drinking cycles (which are more frequent than his non drinking cycles.) For his sake, I hope he's just abusing alcohol and is not really addicted. However, for me and the children, addiction would almost be better because the alternative is that he's choosing the alcohol over us. He is moving out in a couple of weeks. I am sad now... but I know the kids and I will have a more peaceful home long-term.

I'd ask you the same thing. Does it really matter if it's an addiction or not? I think maybe not. If she quits and doesn't start back up then great! You have a sober wife If, however, like my husband, she starts drinking heavily again, does it matter if it's an addiction or a choice if the end result is the same? Dysfunction is dysfunction regardless of the reason.
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Old 01-27-2014, 08:26 AM
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" He will quit anywhere from a few weeks to a year at a time. He always starts back though. And, the thing is, it always escalates." This is where it has been for me, although it has never been for a year, it has always been for not more than a week. And when she does start drinking again it seems that it does indeed escalate. Time will tell though. In the meantime I am enjoying the peace in the house.
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Old 01-27-2014, 06:23 PM
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Alcohol is rarely a significant theme in a marriage unless one of the partners is addicted. 30 years is a long time to have such a theme.

She will likely drink again soon and when she does, and when she sees the look on your face when she does, she will try to hurt you.

When she hurts you, try your very best to believe you matter, you are important, you are valuable, you have gifts and strengths and beautiful qualities.

When she hates you because of that look on your face, try to remember those things.
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Old 01-28-2014, 07:04 AM
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Thank you English Garden, Its not going to last...at dinner last night she said one glass isnt going to be too many calories is it? I just said its up to you. Then stopping at the grocery store she comments how she would like to have some more because after all it is sooooo relaxing. I remind her the fact that she says that she feels so much better in the morning and she agrees. But I know she cant white knuckle it forever.


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Old 01-28-2014, 07:15 AM
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Time will out, grizz. No expectations, though, right?
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Old 01-28-2014, 07:27 AM
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Old 01-28-2014, 07:33 AM
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How are YOU doing today, grizz?
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Old 01-28-2014, 07:43 AM
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As the music group Texas Hippy Coalition says "Pissed off and mad about it"
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Old 01-29-2014, 06:48 AM
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Well that didn't last long

AW had some "art" friends over last night for soup and art discussion. Got home last night, the discussion was still going on, which is fine with me, there were 5-6 empty wine bottles and the AW was just a pounding them down. We shall see what tonight brings and if she goes back to quack quack......quack, quack, quack.


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Old 01-29-2014, 06:57 AM
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I am sorry to hear it, but like water off a "duck's" back, just let the quacking go in one ear and out the other, grizz
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Old 01-29-2014, 08:19 AM
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I'm sorry Grizz, how disappointing. Your "no-expectations, I see a quack a mile away" attitude is awesome though, it'll keep you sane. Hang in there!
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Old 01-29-2014, 08:22 AM
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Even when you know it's quacking, it is always still a dissappointment. I am sorry.
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Old 02-13-2014, 07:31 AM
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Well its been a couple weeks since I started this thread and for the most part so far so good. She really hasnt had much to drink to speak of and when she does its only a glass or two at the most. The deal is I am still coming home holding my breath waiting to see a bottle of wine on the counter when I get home. Still waiting to see if she returns to her ways once she is done with here art show cause she started this no drinking gig because she didnt want to look frumpy. Nothing really else to say just wanted to give an update. But this is the longest stretch in years that there has been no alcohol in the house.


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Old 02-13-2014, 07:55 AM
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Grizz....I hope you are doing other things for you to take the focus off of her and the what if. It will drive you mad. Glad things are going ok for now!
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