Should I visit him in rehab?
 

My XAB, who was also physically abusive, wants me to visit with his family when they fly out to see him next weekend. They are having a m meeting with his counselor before he leaves on the 6th. I'm at the point of no return, never want to see or talk to him again in fear of falling back in love with him so easily. I'm terrified of the power he has over me But maybe it could help me move on?. I unfortunately share an apartment with him so there is a big possibility of him staying there with me. I'm hopefully moving out in a month, but everything is up in the air. I don't know what to do. I don't know how honest he has been in rehab about the abuse and I'm scared.

Personally, I would never again consider going near someone who ever laid a hand on me. With that said, until he's had several years of treatment for domestic violence I don't think anyone in good conscious would recommend visiting him.

I can't answer for what you should do, but if it were me, I wouldn't do it. There is NO excuse EVER for physical abuse. That is a certain deal-breaker for me. Hit me once, you will NEVER have the opportunity to hit me again.

If you feel scared about the "power he has over you," in my opinion, that is your gut telling you to stay far away. Take care of yourself. He will either recover or not, but nothing you say or do is going to affect that.

((((HUGS))))

Thanks for replying. I needed the reassurance because a tiny part of me wants to go but I've been working on my own recovery and have come a long way in the month we have been apart. I don't want to ruin my own progress.

Your progress and recovery is the most important thing. The very BEST way for you to move on is to never have any contact with him ever again. No one deserves to suffer physical abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse or any other kind of abuse. You survived that! ((((HUGS))))

:c011:

I second what Suki says - your health and sanity and SAFETY come first.

Addicition and abuse are both progressive. Rehab may have given him tools to handle his drinking but he is still an abuser minus the booze to self-medicate.

Please don't go back to the source of abuse to protect you from the abuse - it's wishful thinking that might put you in serious danger.

Be well and safe.

I hope you also don't want to let him ruin your life.

Based on personal experience I would have a hard time believing a newly recovering alcoholic that this time she/ he will stay sober - that's something only time and action will tell.

If the same person would tell me with their words and actions that they are going to try to kill me one day I would be a fool not to believe them.

In my situation that was the moment I wished I had kept moving forward and let it go! I could have easily at that point bc I was really sick of all of it. Lack of education in the matter I really believed rehab would "fix" the problem but I was so wrong! I think I carried a certain amount of quilt bc isn't this what I always wanted?

I ended up suckered back into the situation and the next 3 years were a total nightmare! I am sure there are many different experiences & out comes but If I could change things I would not stick around to gamble or hope for a positive outcome. Run forward . Likely you'd be better off letting go while you are stronger! Best wishes to you.

By the way, I didn't have any physical abusive in my relationship! That's a whole deeper horrible situation. Take care of yourself and start by protecting yourself.

Whose name is on the lease of the apartment? If he is on the lease that he can legally return to the home but if it is yours alone then he "moved" and you could change the locks. Every state is different and you would need to do some research but if you were moving out anyway I would ramp that up and put my stuff in storage and go stay with a friend.

My XA went to rehab 6X, did outpatient as well, was in and out of AA as well as counseling, psychiatrists and going down a medical path as well with the many drugs Big Pharma sells the public for addiction. All of those events over a period of 15 years (I was with him for 4 of those) did not lead to real recovery but he used those events (usually done to avoid jail or other consequences) to manipulate others including myself.

True recovery and change does not happen instantly once alcohol is removed from the body of the A ... it takes time and is a lifetime commitment to whatever program they choose to follow to keep that change firmly in their hearts and minds. Not all programs, rehabs, therapists or A's are created equal...it is a path that is not easy and for those that love the A is even more difficult.

Most A's cannot make it a year... that is just a statistical fact. In one year you have a pretty good idea who that A is going to be and what lifestyle and recovery program is left intact.

If you love him awful like I loved my A (and still do!) get yourself a box of popcorn and your own place and see what your XA is doing in one full year from his sobriety date. Chances are you will be doing great and he will be the same guy you knew a month ago... but IF he morphed into Prince Charming and he is your "true love" and "soul mate" and all that dreamy fantasy stuff we tell ourselves you can jump right back on the back of his white horse and ride off into the sunset.

Again... the chances of that are so extremely remote you have a better chance of getting hit by lightning 7X in a row right there in your apartment today.

My XA? Never got sober for me or any rehab, jail, court, kids etc for any length of time. He is 5 months recovered ON HIS OWN all by himself with no help from a soul 2500 miles away from home. He finally broke up with his mistress alcohol for himself... it is the key and only hope for sustained, authentic recovery.

I am staying FAR AWAY! I support him but he could pick up a drink any minute...and he probably will if he doesn't stay vigilant and committed every single minute of his life.

I know this was long...but you love him...or feel like you do... then see if he can get sober on his own... stay away from that man for a gool long while... he will use every trick in the book to reel you back into the web and alcoholic dance if you have a weak moment and fall into his arms.

Have you tried alanon? Counseling? If not...I highly recommend.

No

If you don't want to get dragged back in, listen to yourself, and what you have written here.

This person has been physically abusive to you.
What if he relapses and really hurts or kills you if you share a space, even briefly again?
When they know you are leaving is the most dangerous time. Leave early and sleep on a sofa if you have to.
Do not isolate yourself with a person who has been violent towards you. That's common sense.

Let him take care of his own recovery or not. You are not required to "help" him do anything at this point.
This is even more true if you feel emotionally vulnerable towards him. Get out and block communication.

You deserve better in your life than an abuser who may or may not be done drinking.

if you give it some thought
you don't need help from him so as to move on
sometimes not everything needs to be said

just some food for thought from up top the mountain

MountainmanBob

NO!

dandylion

You are not married. You are at the 'point of no return.' I concur leave rehab visit to his family. Spend the time working out housing for yourself before his release. Consider it a practice of self preservation. Invest in yourself not a sour relationship.

Have you considered a few self defense classes? It might help build your confidence and assessment of situations.

Thanks everyone for your advice!

I'm at my mom's house for the weekend, an hour away from our apartment and it's so nice to get away. I can't wait to move, I know it will be a lot easier when I'm not living in the town we both lived in with all the good and bad memories. I was in denial for SO long! I am seeing a counselor but she's only available once a month and I need more support so I'm going to look into some groups. I'm so thankful for this for this forum!

It sounds like you have some solid plans and are making positive progress, Meggy! All wonderful things.

I hope you will always remember that you do not deserve to be abused, and that you don't have to sacrifice yourself to someone else's addiction!

I think that's a deal breaker
married ones should and do have much more invested

you truly don't have much holding you here

sometimes it's best to run fast
while we can clearly see a way in which to escape

Mountainman

Nope Nope Nope. He is an EX. Stay focused on your own path....forward.

He is your EX for a reason.

Try to remember that.

Why would you want to expose yourself to more pain?

A simple HELL NO, is my vote.