Stung

I feel the need to take a moment to express the gratitude I have for all of you that have been bashing me over the head the last month. I'm finally understanding what you've all been telling me and I've been putting it to practice the last couple of days and … I GET IT! I FINALLY UNDERSTAND! The neurons in my brain are firing at one another and suddenly, things make sense and I can see what I've been doing to myself and those around me. (I had this realization when AH was asking me what he was supposed to be doing because he's so desperate to be sober…I don't know what he's supposed to be doing but I can gush about what I've been doing. Saying it out loud made it all crystal clear.)

You guys have been telling me to be humble (Florence & Hammer), to work on myself (Fire Sprite), sharing your own stories with me and have been overwhelmingly patient, kind and compassionate (EVERYONE.) I've been reaping the rewards of being a member of this forum since I logged on and started spouting my own tragic tale, but what I finally realize, is that the whole time that I was mourning AH's "death" I should have been heartily trying to once and for all destroy myself so I could start over. I was JUST as abusive as AH but in different ways and many of those ways were self directed, just as the majority of AH's behavior is self directed. (My pain associated with alcoholism is really just collateral damage of his own self punishment and because I've been blaming him for my own misery it would make sense that he would point his finger back at me.)

The night that AH relapsed, I relapsed too (and hard!) and I did it entirely on my own. Just like AH chose to be a dumbass, I chose to be a crazyass. BUT I recognized it while it was happening and now that it's over, I am not focusing my thoughts on HIS choices but on MY choices! This is great! I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be healthy and I finally understand that just wanting to be healthy isn't enough. I need to correct my problems and in order to fix my problems I need to be able to identify the problems that need to be corrected (Thank you so much, Poh's Friend, for pointing me in the right direction!!) It's amazing that the answer to your problems could be looking you straight in the eye everyday but until you're open minded enough to see them with clarity, you'll continue to fail and be miserable in your own self created prison. This is an education that I'm experiencing; you guys are my study group, my counselor is my tutor.

Old me died earlier this week after my relapse. New me is starting to slowly form. AH's relapse is giving me a do over, and I needed it big time because I was REALLY doing this life stuff wrong the first time. AH and I are on a level playing field now and instead of me thinking that I am trying to pull him out of quick sand, I can see that I was only allowing myself to sink in my own personal sand trap right next to him.

A lot of that may not make sense, but my point is simply to say THANK YOU!! A million times, THANK YOU!! Your words to me do not fall on deaf ears (sit in front of blind eyes?) and I'm finally beginning to realize which way is up with your very gracious assistance/head bashing.

When you guys get a moment, can you send me a bill for the therapy you're all providing me with? Being here is like having 100+ on call therapists with different talents.

AnvilheadII

Services Rendered = $0.

they say in 12 step programs we only KEEP what we have by giving it away. service to others. being of use. carrying the message. making coffee before the meetings and staying after to put up the chairs.

you said "wanting to be healthy isn't enough" - that pretty encapsulates life, doesn't it? I can WISH and WANT all I want to: lose weight, eat better, learn a new skill, follow a dream.....but nothing happens until I TAKE ACTION.

really excellent post!

Kat60

What a beautiful post Stung.
...And it makes PERFECT sense!

You are gonna be just fine darlin'

I am hoping for the best outcome for you in all of this... Your health!

And hopefully your husband's health too, but that you cannot control...

Keep up the great work you are doing!

Kat

MissFixit

It is amazing how much easier things seem when you separate your stuff from someone else's stuff. That critical break in codependency (for lack of a better term) was helpful to me in moving forward. You can chart your own course without being held down by someone else's sickness.

JustAGirl1971

It is such a freeing moment when we get it, isn't it? I hate, hate, hate where my family is right now (divorcing, ds not speaking to his dad, etc), but I'm so thankful where I am right now. I was mired down in all my expectations and dysfunctional behavior that I couldn't even see how dysfunctional and unhappy I was with me. And, the thing is, no matter how wonderful the husband, children, house, job, etc is, unless I know who I am and am content with who I am, I will never be happy with them even if they miraculously managed to fulfill all of my crazy expectations.

Also, not to be a broken record, Stung, but as great as SR is (& it is), without al-anon and the bible study girls from my church, I would be totally lost. We're on a break from bible study this week and I was too busy with work to attend al-anon at the beginning of the week. By yesterday, I was a total mess & it'd only been one week since I'd been to al-anon. I cried all the way there but as soon as I pulled in the parking lot, I just felt relieved.

Yes, yes, and yes to everything you've said here! Can totally relate.

I second Anvil - great post! Thank you

BoxinRotz

So I had to go back and read the last thread you made because I skipped F&F town for a bit. Seems some people think I may have been kinda harsh to you but the reality is... the FairyTale is now over huh? BTDT and was made to look like a friggen twit by my wonderful husband many times when he wanted me to believe he was done. They can be such lying, farting, stinking a$$holes stung. When alcoholism is priority, they can not speak the truth. Just know that.

I believe you now know where you stand in all of this. The only thing you can control is yourself. When he ask you where does he go from here? tell him: How the hell should I know?! You do as you see fit and leave it at that. You will NEVER stop him! Your marriage, your life, the kids, your dreams you had, it is not enough if he doesn't want to stop and he doesn't want to stop.

Move on. Take care of you and the babies and just live.

Renarde

(((Stung)))

HealingWillCome

Quoting this because it made me laugh. Perfect way to summarize the relationship insanity we create with an alcoholic.

You are doing beautifully! Your recovery is showing. I think there is huge relief in that light bulb moment. At least that's what I felt. When I realized that at the end of the day, not one other human soul is responsible for my happiness. Just me. Such a huge relief to quit expecting that from someone else.

Stung

Lol HealingWillCome - I acted like a crazy. I texted, I called, I then blocked my number from caller ID and called more until he answered and then I was shocked at finding what I suspected: drunk husband. I am the source of my own crazy. AH was a dummy on his side of the street and then I wrestled him on over to my side of the street and thought "woe is me" once he was on my side. Crazy.

JustAGirl - I'm really self conscious and even in the best scenarios groups give me anxiety. Groups feel like an extension of public speaking for me. Maybe someday I'll work up to attending but for right now I really like the mix of resources that I'm using. I'm also looking into maybe converting to another religion from Catholicism. I went through the Catechism after AH and I were engaged because it was important to him (read: his parents) to be married in the church, but Catholicism is not a good fit for me. I think a switch will be good for me, both religiously and community wise.

Seren

Recognition ---> Action

It's a beautiful thing

You go, Stung!!

HopefulinFLA

Nice work Stung!

Hawkeye13

Great job Stung--your post has really helped me a lot this morning
as I'm wresting with co-dependency issues myself at the moment.

Thank you so much for sharing the "details" of your breakthrough.
It has helped me to see some of my own blockages

dandylion

Stung---congratulations on your breakthrough. I am very curious---now that you have been through this---what will you say to other "newbies" who are in the belly of the beast---to break through their denial and "see the light"???

Seriously?.........

dandylion

lizatola

Agreed. I remember getting up and speaking at our Al Anon meeting one week and admitting that I was actually grateful for my AH's DUI, grateful for the lessons I was learning, and so so grateful to have my head out of the sand. Like you, I knew I was the crazy one, he was doing just fine drinking and passing out and driving, etc. I knew it all along that I had a problem, too, it just took me a while to face it.

Hugs and lots of support to you. Happy to see you on a path of humility, self care, and love that will eventually bring you peace. It may not seem like it now, but I know that we truly can have happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not(yeah, that's from Al Anon literature!). (((Stung)))

Stung

Dandy - Honestly, I don't think there is anything that you can say to someone to make them "see the light." They just have to want it and be willing to seek it out.

I WANTED sanity in my life badly, so I found myself on this forum. Then I noticed (over a few weeks) that Poh'sFriend and Aeryn both had similar issues with defensiveness that I had (and had never encountered in others - aside from my AH) and was really curious that they both had mentioned NPD mothers…yet they were like me. And with that, my focus started to leave AH and fall upon myself.

I remember in one of Poh's older posts he wrote about wiping the slate clean for his wife. I did the same thing for my husband yesterday. AH and I have been waring against ourselves and causing collateral damage to one another, and we're both so blind to our motivations for our actions that we thought we were both intentionally trying to hurt one another, and occasionally we probably were. I've been doing the wrong things in my marriage and in my life JUST LIKE AH. Different but still wrong.

I guess what I would urge someone to do if they find themselves here and they think "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? WHY DOES SHE/HE HAVE CONTROL OVER ME?" The realization is that you handed control over your life to anyone who would take it (likely your spouse or loved one did the same thing only they handed control over to addiction) which is why things get out of control. You have to figure out WHY you're doing the things you're doing to cause your own misery and willingness to let yourself be abused. In few cases are people having guns held to their heads so that they stay in these relationships. Most of us are very willing participants.

However, I think my situation is unique in that:

1. AH spiraled very quickly, relatively speaking (we've only been dealing with his alcoholism for 2 years, only in the past 12ish month have things become unbearable.)

2. I was able to get him to leave our home without any pushback and we can afford for our lifestyle to remain unchanged and put him up in his own place.

3. It isn't taking AH or myself a long time to realize that we BOTH need help so we can have the relationships that we want out of life. Primarily, we want our children to have sane parents and we do not want to pass our issues on to them like our parents did to us.

The point is, that whatever he does or doesn't do at this point does't effect me more than having a regular compassionate reaction to him. We have kids together and we'll have to be in each others lives for a lifetime now. I don't want to lie to myself anymore and say he's a villain when I was sitting there refusing to leave the abuse.

Crazy people try the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result.

I'm trying something different this time. I don't want to be crazy anymore.

JustAGirl1971

Totally understand, Stung. Recovery's definitely not a one size fits all thing and al-anon does not work for everyone. I think I need the "face-to-face" group support that al-anon (or Celebrate Recovery) provides. I can get why that wouldn't work for others.

On the faith thing, I've also found that I'm questioning things a lot more, too, and although I love many of the people at my church, I think I'm outgrowing it. This church was my choice (as opposed to your case with catholicism); however, I was a very different person 16 years ago. I guess (hope) that's a sign of growth? I have also stopped doing things just because other people think they're right. It may be a silly example but taking the kids to school. AH convinced me that a certain route was best... I never really liked that route because it's very windy.... I've switched back to the route with more traffic because I prefer it over the less populated, windy route. Silly, I know, but just the little things like that, where I've stopped doing things blindly have made a difference in my level of peace.

You really are doing awesome, Stung I can't believe how far you've come in such a short time!

JustAGirl1971

Yes to all of this. Until I understood how it applied to me, these were all just words on a page. I'd extend it to say that because I'd willingly, even if unconsciously, given up control of my life, I couldn't understand why others wouldn't let me have control of theirs! I really wish I'd found this site and al-anon a few years ago... it may have made a difference in my marriage and it definitely would have made a difference in my life. But, I guess it's all about God's timing, not mine

Stung

Totally!! You know how Hammer keeps posting about rigorous honesty. Every time I saw that I thought "yeah, my husband needs to be honest ALL the time." WRONG! No. I need to look inwardly and be honest with myself about myself. That's all I can do. My husband can call himself King AH, ruler of all AHs and that's his prerogative to do so. Being honest about why you want the things you want is so important and I'm just finally starting to be honest with myself. I needed AH to relapse so I could have this duh moment.

JustAGirl1971

So much this. I have to say, Stung, I'm a little jealous You're figuring this out way earlier than I did (both in age/ age of my kids and time here.) What a role model for your girls. They won't remember you as anything but a healthy, strong mama Great job!

readerbaby71

Isn't it amazing when that light bulb goes off in your head? I'm so glad you've made such a breakthrough. Keep working at it. Of course some days you will struggle but you'll keep getting better.

HUGS to you!