Grace

Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated.

I am housesitting for a friend of mine right now. She lives in a beautiful house, by a lake, with a pool, and a hot tub. I have the whole house to myself (and some critters) for the next week. My A bf and I live in a very small trailer. This is like getting a paid vacation in a beautiful home at a private resort.

I came out here last night and I had previously asked my bf if he planned on spending any time with me here. He didn't know. In my mind I said, "He will see this as an opportunity to get drunk with his pal, Dan and my sister." I was 100% correct. He left work early yesterday and went straight to camp. Got totally wasted and stayed there. Then he called me today and said, I'm going to camp again today and will probably spend the night there again. He did give me an empty invitation to come to camp. EMPTY, because he knows that I have responsibilities here.

Okay, I know I'm codependent. I know I'm unhealthy because I'm involved with an active alcoholic. But, what I want to know is WHY does he prefer to be at an old dirty camp getting drunk when he could be here laying in the hot tub, under the moonlight and stars, with me?

Why does he always choose them over me?

I'm sure I've been told before, but I'm hurt and I'm alone right now. It looks like I'm going to be alone here for the next week.

Any thoughts? Any suggestions?

Gabe

Hey Grace,
He's locked in his addiction right now.
That's all he lives for.
It comes before everyone and everything else.
And while you and I can both see that being with you is the better of the two choices, he can't see that at all.
All he can think about is feeding his need.
And right now, his need is drinking.
I'm sorry that you're feeling sad and hurt because of that.
I've played second chair to alcohol, it's not a good place to be.
How about making the best of your situation?
I bet you can have a great time in that beautiful house whether he's there or not.
Hugs,
Gabe

Grace

Thanks Gabe!!!! I really needed to hear all of that.
I know that I'm nowhere on his list of priorities.
First it's drinking and then it's the drinking buddies.
It's very difficult to not take that personally.

Thanks again, Gabe.

LostDream

Wow Grace! I'd say forget him, and enjoy the house!

Shoot, my AW is getting out of detox tomorrow, and we have a huge house... big! Lots of room and I'm looking around at all the "things" I'll probably miss when I leave. But I'll be better off, because regardless of all this, I'm miserable with my AW while she is drinking and cares nothing about any of it.

How can I be happy when misery abounds? I'd be happy to be in that small ass trailer right now if I knew I'd have the constant peace and quiet I've had over the last three days!

For some reason, she's taking another day, which is something I've never seen her do. Talked to her on the phone and SHE SAID, SHE NEEDED IT!

I'm here thinking yeah, right. She pulled things like this before and just got up and left. When we were younger, she'd get pissed and drunk and the next thing I know she's driving up in a truck to get her stuff. Yeah, I have been through it with this one. But now at an age where we live like what you're staying at, it ain't no different. Same problems, different ways on different days.

When I talked to her today, and she said that, I didn't feel any warmth or anything, almost like it was a bother to even call and tell me. So I know she's still sick and this time away hasn't changed anything. That's probably a thread in itself, that I should start; about how to deal with them when they come back, and they still, although sober, don't act like they care about you anymore than when they were drunk. But then again, that's another subject. But it does tell how alcoholics act, and will feel until they get it completely out their systems. NO caring, no love, just confusion on what they want, and trying to keep from running to get a drink...

but really...

Enjoy the time you have to yourself.
If the butthead wanna be off with his drinkers, and leave you sitting all alone in a fine house that he could be kickin it in, then I'd also say that's his problem.

Enjoy it while YOU can, and dream of the day, when you can have one like it!
Maybe, with someone sober!

rivercitybelle

Yep, unfortunately you are not number one - getting drunk is - the sooner the better with the least amount of effort or hassles.
Would you really want him with you in this house you are responsible for if he's drinking and getting falling down drunk? Maybe him not coming to stay with you is a blessing hiding in mud.
Enjoy the peace and the hot tub. You deserve to do something nice just for you!

Alexia

I feel for you Grace. I'm sitting here alone myself while my AH is out getting drunk. But it's been 16 years of this and it never changes, although we are living separately now. Dont beat yourself up, I used to. They truely dont know they are leaving the best of their lives behind while they destroy themselves.

It doesnt make it any easier I know. I have yet to feel peace after two months, counseling and Al-anon. But all you can do is pray for guidance and follow it. I'm still waiting for mine, but I have faith it will come.

Enjoy that hot tub. I used to have one and sure do miss it. At least I've got my dog. Now there's unconditional love!

My best to you,
Lex

Grace

Thank God for all of you. I feel sooo much better. I'm just having "expectations" and that always seems to spell trouble.

This is nothing new with him. He always prefers being with his drinking buddies. I guess it hurts me even more because one of his drinking buddies is my sister. Now that is just messed up. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate my little trailer....it's home. It's just that we have been given this opportunity to enjoy this beautiful home and all it's surroundings and once again, he shows me that he prefers someone else's company.

And thank you...............I will enjoy my puppy's company.

Thanks friends!

StandingStrong

Granted, everyone is different. But from the perspective of my AH (who has been sober since January), I can only tell you what he has told me when I asked him the same related questions.
Some of his answers were......
"I knew what I had, but didn't know what I had to lose"
"I was selfish"
"I knew I was hurting you, but didn't realize how much"
Those are the first 3 that popped in my head that I remember.
But the biggest one for me that still haunts me to this day that he told me about 10 years in a marriage counseling session.....
The counselor asked him why he treated me the way that he did. His answer was simple, "Because she let's me". Took me about 10 years to finally decide I wasn't going to let him anymore.
Enjoy your mini-vacation surrounded by the beautiful scenery, opportunities, and such. Let your husband do as he wishes (you can't change him anyways, right?) and enjoy YOUR life!
I know, easier said than done. And goodness knows we all have those "Feel sorry for me moments" and the "need to understand". You may not be able to have what you want right now (him with you) but you can make the best of your situation IF you choose too.
Hang in there! Be strong! And try to enjoy this time and use it to YOUR benefit.

Ann

I'm loading up the bus and we'red ALL coming down.

It sounds like heaven to me!!! Enjoy your free weekend, take the dog for a walk, soak in the hot tub and just pretend you are at a spa.

Hugs
Ann