Rosiepetal

Hi SR friends
That was not a pleasant experience.
Me, my lawyer, xh and his lawyer & lawyer for the child.
Did manage to get a lot set down in writing & agreed upon but I still feel raw, cheated & robbed.
The way I want to schedule things with least amount of disruption on the childrens schooling & the way the XH wants to work it is not in agreement & will now go to a court hearing.
The lawyer for the child has taken the side of XH & that will go forward to the judge. Even my lawyer thinks the judge will pick that way.
What I want to know is how do these people (including my XH who has been abroad for 21/2 years) know what is best for the children?
I have spent the past 7 years raising them, putting their routine & schedules in place & living it & making it work & it has produced fantastic results in the children. All the lawyers agree with that & can't even get their heads around the schedule I adhere to.
So why change it?????
I am willing to cooperate & give more time for the children & their Dad yet I would like to do it in a way that I think will work around the schedule but they look at it on paper & how it looks on paper.
This is frustrating. I had tears at this meeting (only while in presence of my lawyer luckily), I stuck to my guns & wouldn't be forced into doing what everybody else wanted & don't I have a right to do that???
Yes I do but the lawyer for the childs recommendation will go to the judge & there is only a very very slim chance it will go in my favour.
I feel like I've lost already yet am not prepared to back down for what I believe in & feel even though it will probably rule against me & cost a whole heap more money, if I don't fight it the whole way & stand up for what I believe in then I will only be letting myself down because I have given up.
On a better note, I managed to get XH to now be responsible for half of the holidays & his regular weekly contact which I was all for will start next week.
What we are fighting over is the days. It's ridiculous. I wanted a midweek weds & he wouldn't agree because he wanted the ONLY day the children are not doing sports. To keep the peace & at the recommendation of the lawyer for the child I agreed to Wed one week & Thurs the next. Although not completely happy with that I think it is fair.
Now I wish I had never been kind & tried to keep the peace because now he wants to take the Thurs, Frid & Sat nights together. So the kids have school with Mum Mon Tues Weds & Thurs Fri with him.
I live one block from the eldest daughters new school. I work school hours.
Yet the court don't give a damn about that. All they see are changeover times & days. I see disruption in schedule & routine that we have spent years achieving & working for us.
I feel robbed, cheated & don't understand why this is happening to me.
I put my trust in God & my higher power & I am loosing faith.
Why do I get penalised & punished for always being there for my kids. Doesn't that account for anything?
I'm really mixed up & stressed right now.
Help.

LadyinBC

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I wish I could give you a big hug, I know this isn't easy.

PippiLngstockng

Rosie, I am so so sorry it is going that way.

I have also had very negative experiences in court.

I have been a stay at home mother for 18 years. I gave up my career for xah's and to raise the children. I nursed them each for years, I grew and cooked nourishing organic food, I nurtured and homeschooled at times, was the chair of the school committee, made the home beautiful and peaceful.

These lawyers and judges have no idea what is important for our children to grow up strong, healthy and happy. They have no respect or appreciation. They. Don't. Care.

They look at calendars. They split visitation according to their formulas. They go have lunch and gossip with friends. They don't want to get in trouble by denying the children access to their fathers and they don't want to ignore anything catastrophic. They want to cover themselves.

They think all the divorcing adults are to blame and at least 30% are crazy. I heard this from a mature divorce lawyer.

Once I saw the lay of the land, I was able to not take court decisions as personally.

It is a horrible world in those courthouses.

God is with you, but court is a very bad place.

I hope you can find some joy today anyhow. Treat yourself with extra love and care. You have every reason to be upset.

Rosiepetal

thank you. It is 2am, I can't sleep. I keep having flashbacks to yesterdays meeting and it horrible.
I have big doubts as to how this is going to affect the children.
I have a nice weekend planned with RABF but I feel so disconnected from the world at the moment, I guess its stress.
Pray for me.

PippiLngstockng

I wonder how much their dad really wants this time with them. What are his motives for this huge change?

Is he still an active A? What kind of behavior would you expect from him towards the children?

Do the children have a therapist?

I will reread your older posts, but it would be helpful to get your most recent conjectures.

In the meantime, just think about today, ok?! This could just be a passing thing with him?

PippiLngstockng

Ok, I reread. He's going on a year sober. So the courts want to encourage his relationship with the children.

I really encourage you to not look too broadly at this. He may last a couple months on this schedule, and no more.

Document, keep them in therapy, and try not to think too far ahead or catastrophize. Said by one who does same

You're doing great. I believe it will work out ok!

Rosiepetal

XH is a ex drug addict not an alcoholic.
Who knows if he is clean or not.
My current BF is 1 year sober.
I know bad choice in men. Relationship with current RABF is good.
XH fed me up on meth 7 years ago & as a result I checked myself into rehab as I wanted out & to get clean for the kids.
He continued to use, I've never looked backed & remained clean & will never return.
I had big fears over the safety of my children while he was still using, I approached lawyers who wouldn't do anything about it & suggested I wait for something bad to happen to gain proof.
XH was unemployed, growing cannabis & living off the sales off this & using meth & god knows what else.
I had such concerns for my children that I took it into my own hands & called an anonymous crimeline to report his cannabis growing & selling.
I confided in a friend who broke my confidentiality & XH found out & as a result fled to another country.
He didn't have to leave, he only had to shut down his operation & carry on with life & get a real job & stop using.
When in another country he sent texts to my eldest daughter telling her all sorts of lies about me & kept reminding her of what I'd done & what she should do to me to make me pay. It caused problems between me & her but because of the great relationship we have we sorted it out between us.
XH has never helped to make our lives easier, everything is a battle & I received loads of mental abuse from him over the years to the point I had to take it up with the police & record texts.
The children have been excelling in my day to day care because I am the one that has been there for them. All the results are there for anyone to view.
I hope this builds a clearer picture.
Thanks for your support, I really need it at the moment.

SparkleKitty

(((((rosie)))))

I think Pippi is right. He doesn't know what it's like to have to be responsible for them 50% of the time and he may not find himself up for that level of commitment. I know that doesn't help you right now, and I'm sorry. Thinking of you.

hopeful4

I am so sorry Rosie. It sounds tough. I just talked to my friend, she said her sister has her kids Monday and Tuesday one week and him Wed-Sun and they completely switch the next. She said it has worked well for the kids.

My sister and her husband have had extensive experience with the attorney for his children. I have to say, each time they have went to court they have done whatever that attorney recommends. I say that not to depress you but I am sure you know how much the court relies on those. Ultimately it is up to the judge. Some judges go by what an attorney says, others form their own opinions much more.

I went to court with my AH a couple weeks ago. It was really for an oversight that took about 10 seconds as he should not have had to go in the first place. That being said, he was called last so we sat there listening to other cases first for about an hour or an hour and a half. The judge really impressed me. He sort of shut the attorneys up and questioned the people himself and really asked them alot of questions about their lives. I was really impressed. About half of the time he sided with what the attorneys were recommending, the other half he did what he wanted. In some cases he said he needed to think more on it and would have them come back in a couple weeks. He seemed to genuinely care for the people there.

These were not child custody cases of course, but there are judges out there that do listen to you and not just the attorneys. I think it's important to find the right one.

I send you big hugs and a peaceful day!

Rosiepetal

hopeful4, sounds like your friends have good communication & I'm presuming they put it in place after separation.
The difference here is that I have had this routine for the past 7 years since separation.
Also remembering that the father of my children left the country for 21/2 years so I had sole custody.
Also we have poor communication between us.
Why change something that is so obviously working as the childrens results show?

Rosiepetal

After 2 sleepless nights & loads of thought I think I will do the following:

I will do things my way which my interim order will allow me.

Before the case gets to court I will make an offer to settle for doing things the kids fathers way.

It is not particularly what I want & I see many problems ahead but at least if I put it in to practise my way first, get the kids settled into change & then apply the final change then I will know I have tried my best & for the best possible outcome but that because the court is involved it is out of my hands.

I don't feel I have anything to gain from going to a court case because I am 99% sure the court will rule in his favour.

It is frustrating that others only see what is on paper & think it's smoother yet the 1 person who has been living her life with the children for 7 years sees lots of potential problems.

I think what I will have to do is harden up & when all the problems start occurring it will no longer be my problem.

If XH wants to do it his way, let him & let him find out for himself what the potential problems are & let him deal with them.

It is hard for me to put my trust into a man who has never really been there for the kids but I think it will be time to hand them over & see if he sinks or swims.

After the past 2 days & the kids being with him he rings me when I'm just about to leave to collect the kids & tells me he is running at least 1 hour late & is out of town & he will drop them to me but he doesn't have their bags & will have to sort that out.
So the kids come back to me 1hr 20mins late & their bags are returned 2 hours after that! Wholy, if he can't get today's arrangements right, how is he going to adapt to the new arrangements???

Not my problem.

Readreadread

It sounds like my stbxh, he wants what he wants when he wants it. The good thing for me is that he only wants what he wants about 57% of the time (missed visitation rate.) I also had a negative experience in court, it is a toxic place. I chalked it up to the profession lends itself to addicts and alcoholics of all kinds, it's a breeding ground for the emotionally unhealthy. As I tell myself daily, if stbxh keeps on the unhealthy path it is only a matter of time before he digs himself a really deep hole. I am sorry that you are going through all of this, in my situation I wanted to wave my arms and remind everyone... who stays home from work when dd is sick, who washes laundry, cooks, buys clothes, gives baths, teaches, entertains??! Not the addict, but why is everyone so hell bent on protecting the time that the addict spends with his children? It is time for society to shift to protect the emotional well being of kids and not protect the adults. I believe this will only breed more addicts/codependents. Food for thought, I guess if we were all emotionally healthy the famlily law attys would be out of jobs.

Rosiepetal

Ok so it is the first week of the "new arrangements" through court after the roundtable meeting.
Phone call made to me lastnight to explain that the kids Dad couldn't meet this new arrangement, he is working out of town, can't pick kids up from school & care & could I do it & hold on to them until 5pm & he pick them up from me. (He was sposed to collect from school but one hasn't started yet so had to be picked up from care)
Of course I agreed, I'm hardly going to leave my child sitting outside her school because her Dad can't be there.
I'm frustrated once again.
So to sum this up, court roundtable meeting was last Friday, the Sunday, 2 days after, the kids were returned 11/2 hours late & their bags 2 hours after that.
The first week of the new arrangements & that schedule can't be met either.
So here I am frustrated that I have to continually prove myself to the court system knowing all along that I am a reliable & scheduled person with my childrens best interests coming first but yet they can hand the kids over to their Dad hoping that he will meet the requirements meanwhile disrupting my life because it's obvious he can't.
Grrrrr.
I don't know why this is happening but I am developing anger & frustration & bad attitude because of it.
Frustrated as anything.

hopeful4

((Rosie))

I am so sorry. Do you have any recourse w/this at all? Are you documenting all of this??

POAndrea

Document, document, document. If there's another hearing (oh, who are we kidding: WHEN there is another hearing), you can present his failures to comply with The Arrangements and ask for a modification. So sorry it has all shaken out this way for you and the children and sending comfort and patience your way.

Rosiepetal

I'm unsure what to do.
The paperwork hasn't even come through for this arrangement yet which I questioned at the meeting. My thoughts are, why should I be living to an arrangement that isn't even in writing & signed yet?? The lawyers made me agree to it.
I had tried to put a hold on the new arrangement because I would have liked both kids to have been settled back at school but XH's lawyer argues, why should they wait. So I got fed up & agreed to once again keep the peace.
I spoke in depth to my lawyer my concerns that he may not meet these new arrangements but in a lawyers eyes you just take their word for it & get on with it.
End of the day it is me, & always has been me ,that rearranges my schedule to accommodate XHs downfalls.
I think I will give in for now but once child number 2 is at her new school it is up to him to fullfill his end of the arrangement.
Then again I can't just ignore my children's needs to be picked up dropped off etc & I am not the sort of mother who would just leave them sitting there feeling bewildered for the sake of proving a point.

hopeful4

Could you possibly let him know you will let this go this once but will definitely be documenting and if it happens again you will be taking him back to court?

I don't really know alot about this besides document, document. I am truly sorry Rosie. Ultimately your kids will always know they can rely on you. While that may not make it all better, in the grand scheme of things, that is really what does count.

Hugs.

Rosiepetal

PS: I've been documenting for 7 years.
What I have learnt is that sometimes it will help & sometimes it won't in a court of law.
Basically the court look at "moving forward" & don't take too much history into consideration.

hopeful4

What a shame. Our legal system does truly fail the spouses and children of addicts.