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It's time, but I'm so scared

Old 01-23-2014, 10:30 PM
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It's time, but I'm so scared

I need to get out. I know this. I've known this for a long time, but I keep trying to tell myself it could and may get better if I just hold on a little longer.

But it just keeps getting worse.

My sister is in town. AND my niece! She's 2 and a half, and just about as cute and perfect as they come. And she loves me, even though I see her about twice a year. She's not shy around me at all. She lets me sing to her but hates when her mommy does. I haven't seen her in 6 months. I've been anticipating this visit since before Thanksgiving. I showed people pictures of her @ work all day, and was determined to have a good day no matter how things went, because no matter what - when it was over, I'd have 4 glorious days off. I'm a CNA and my days at work can be very busy and demanding.

On the ride home I was talking to my best friend and told her I thought my BF was likely drunk because it's Thursday, and he had nothing to do. I walked in and could tell immediately that he was drunk. Then my phone rang.

It was my ABF's baby momma's soon to be Ex-husband. Does that make sense? He asked me if my BF had been drinking today, and I said that I just walked in and there was a puddle of **** on the kitchen floor so...yeah.

He then went into this big long-winded story about how his (soon to be ex) wife wanted my BF to bring her his child support money out today, but he said he couldn't because WE (he and I) wanted some 'alone time'.

Remember I'm at work...

Apparently, if you do child support through the county, the county takes a cut so they're just doing it on their own. Baby momma thinks that's BS, so they're doing it their own way. My BF doesn't keep receipts for any of this and just pays her cash, so if she wanted to, she could say he hasn't paid her jack ****. Stupid, but not my problem. Right?

Anyway, she knew he was drunk and called him on it, and then somehow recorded a conversation they had over the phone. I think he's maybe considering taking her to court for custody because she's moved the kids in with her new BF. (Mike #2) She's had 2 BF's since breaking up with her husband, and they both happen to be named Mike. Weird huh?

I keep asking myself HOW did I get myself in this? I'm really not this type of person! I grew up in a small town in the Midwest with 2 older sisters and Middle class parents who separated 2 weeks after I graduated from high school. (u think they were staying together for the kids?)

My parents weren't drunks and I never really knew what an alcoholic was until I met my BF. His parents were both drunks. He used to cry about it. Now he's worse than I remember them being.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'll admit that I've had 3 large glasses of wine with my sister, and I'm small and rarely drink and I know this forum is against drinking but I kinda think it helped me think about things.

My sister offered a few months ago to help me with a deposit on a new apartment, even though she and her husband are looking to buy a house and trying to save. Tonight she told me that my best friend (and only other person who really knows what's going on) emailed her asking for her advice and help.

This makes me so sad.

I've tried so hard to make this work, but I just can't fix it. I don't know what he's going to do without me, but I also know that I'm enabling him - maybe preventing him from getting help. Maybe the best thing for both of us is to separate. The thing is, my parents have more money. His parents have none. I have a support system. He has nothing. He has a **** dead-end job, and dead-beat parents. I feel like it's my job to help pull him up, but instead he's just pulling me down.

I want to have kids someday. I just turned 29 this month, and both my sisters had their first kid @ 30, and when I was younger i actually thought that was old.

I work with a girl who is like 45 and dated alcoholics and finally met the right guy and got married but can't seem to have kids. It's too late for her. She was pregnant last year and lost the baby.

I don't want that to be me, but I'm such a wimp. I have a self-esteem problem and I need help.

I've always needed an extra push to try new things, and always thought I wasn't good enough. Please, if anyone has any words of wisdom, they are welcome.

I could use all the help I can get.
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Old 01-23-2014, 11:11 PM
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((((hugs))))

You can do this. One step at a time. Knowing that you cannot "fix" any of it is a good first step. You didn't cause this, you can't control this, and you can't cure it. Have you been to Alanon meetings yet? These are for you, to learn how to care for yourself.
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Old 01-24-2014, 01:53 AM
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Originally Posted by worriedmind View Post
I've tried so hard to make this work, but I just can't fix it. I don't know what he's going to do without me, but I also know that I'm enabling him - maybe preventing him from getting help.
You can't fix us, we have to do this ourselves. What he is going to have to do without you is to grow the hell up. I certainly had to. We count on you guys to take the burden of fixing us so that we don't have to do it ourselves.

You are not a wimp, you are caught up in this cycle with him and the longer you are there the harder it is to get out. We beat you down and take you with us basically. You must be physically and mentally exhausted. Please don't give up and think you can't find someone better.

You do not deserve this kind of life, you do not want this man as a father to your own kids. Do you not want your kids to have better than this?

And the important thing is that you matter and don't you ever settle just because you think you have to. You only settle for someone who will treat you like gold and give you the respect you deserve.
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Old 01-24-2014, 05:20 PM
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What he does without you isn't for you to worry about. He's an adult. He managed to get along before you were around, he'll manage when you're gone. He'll have to figure out the child support, custody, work etc. That's what adults do.
The best thing you can do is take care of you. Get out of his path, leave him to find his way. Having you there to take care of things may be keeping him from facing the very consequence that could turn him around.
You have one life, and you deserve to make that life the best possible. This isn't it. Relationships sometimes don't work out, for whatever reason, and it's okay to realize that and move on.
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Old 01-25-2014, 09:39 PM
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Thanks everyone.

I'm going to my Dad's tomorrow with my sister and I'm going to ask for help. She might even tell him for me, which is probably a good thing. If she weren't here, I'd probably chicken out. I'm still pretty nervous though. Once I tell him, I can't un-tell him. It's so hard and sad for me because I love my BF. We've been through so much together and when he's not drunk, he's great.

Last night I went to dinner with my sister and a few of her girlfriends. I couldn't get ahold of my BF and panicked. I told his daughter's mom (who I informed the night before that I wouldn't be home to supervise the situation - and she let him take her anyway) She wanted me to call a neighbor. I don't really know my neighbors and so I talked to the step-dad (her soon to be ex) He ended up driving out there, and everything turned out to be fine. They went sledding, and his phone had died.

When I got to the restaurant, I had to immediately excuse myself because my BF's daughter's mom called to ask if I was home and blah blah blah her daughter can't get ahold of my BF. (I was the one who informed her that he wasn't answering)

Then HE called. I thought he was going to yell at me, but he didn't. He understood why I did what I did. It wouldn't have been the first time he's been alone with his daughter and drunk. He said he went to a meeting yesterday morning, and it was like everything was fine.

He and his daughter came over to my mom's for a while today. Both my sisters were here with their kids, and they all got to play outside. He was sober, and he was nice but I just feel like it's too little, too late. I have to remind myself that Thursday is right around the corner, I'll be at work all day and probably come home to the usual BS.

His daughter really bonded with my sister's 2 year old this time. We got the cutest picture of them playing with eachother's hair. It's kind of heartbreaking. I sent it to my BFF and her response was something along the lines of: 'That's so cute, and that's what he's messing up.'

It's true. Things could be so good, and yet somehow they're so bad. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't think I can afford my own place, and I will absolutely not move back in with my mother. My dad just got married a year ago and finally got my step-brother out of the house. I don't want to be a burden on them. We'll see.

I just keep telling myself that this is the right thing to do. I've tried doing it my own way for so long and it's not working. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I'm finally ready to admit that I have absolutely no control of this situation. Wish me luck!
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Old 01-26-2014, 09:56 AM
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His going to 1 meeting and everything is fine, him actually spending time with his child and your family for 1 day and not being drunk..........is not the lifeboat you should jump into right now.

Now you don't have the money for a place of your own, now you don't want the support (possibly moving into your parents short term) and are putting yourself right back into the stuck position.

The other day you were so sure on what you needed to do now you are finding excuses not to.

Is it because he threw a few crumbs towards recovery your way, has those few incidents brought your HOPE level up again?
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Old 01-26-2014, 10:27 AM
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I'm still going to leave. You're right about the crumbs thing though. It gets me every time, but not this time. My mind is made up. I just need to be strong enough to follow through. We've broken up many times and I always take him back.
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Old 01-26-2014, 10:43 AM
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worriedmind---good for you that you have come this far!! You DO have the strength to follow through. Just because you caved before--doesn't mean that you will this time.

Keep your GOAL in the forefront of your mind...all the time. Write it on a card and ca in your pocket if you have to. Also make a list of the reasons that you know you need to leave--and carry this in your pocket, also. I'm not kidding....this helps a lot....I did the bad list thing, one time.....

In life, sometimes we have to go through short-term pain for long term gain.

We, also, don't know h ow brave we can be until there are no other options. Brave shows up at those times---like magic.....LOL.

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Old 01-26-2014, 11:27 AM
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Based on what you shared, not only does it sound like you need to get out, it would be in your best interest to do so.....

Do you really need to be involved with a guy who spends his free time drinking and p---ing all over the kitchen floor, when he has a child to support?

Do you really need to get yourself entangled with his baby's momma?


He then went into this big long-winded story about how his (soon to be ex) wife wanted my BF to bring her his child support money out today, but he said he couldn't because WE (he and I) wanted some 'alone time'.


Of course, he roped you into his long-winded excuse....this deflects the responsibility away from him....

And, right you are, my friend...NONE of this is your problem....

May I gently ask, why you would be willing to date someone who is technically not available?
The fact that he's still (legally) married and an active alcoholic should be enough for you to lace up your Nikkie's and RUN!

I keep asking myself HOW did I get myself in this? I'm really not this type of person! I grew up in a small town in the Midwest with 2 older sisters and Middle class parents who separated 2 weeks after I graduated from high school. (u think they were staying together for the kids?)


I understand this completely....I also grew up in a similar situation and perhaps you got yourself into this because you witnessed two people staying together for the wrong reasons. This type of situation has been damaging for me because, in the past, I too, held onto relationships that I would have been much better off ending sooner....

My parents weren't drunks and I never really knew what an alcoholic was until I met my BF. His parents were both drunks. He used to cry about it. Now he's worse than I remember them being.


Just because your parents weren't drunks as far as you know, clearly there were some major problems in their marriage based on what you shared....

I'm sorry this is so long. I'll admit that I've had 3 large glasses of wine with my sister, and I'm small and rarely drink and I know this forum is against drinking but I kinda think it helped me think about things.


No need to apologize....this forum is here for all of us to let it out...So type all you want! Speaking only for myself, I'm not necessarily against drinking, providing it's being done responsibly....

Just be mindful of why you're choosing to drink.....
I would be careful not to make the association that drinking "helped you to think about things" That's how dependence to alcohol can start...
I'm not suggesting this is true for you, but just something for you to consider as you work through this difficult time in your life....


This makes me so sad.

Of course, and as much as I hate to say it....Alcoholism rarely produces happy outcomes if it continues to go untreated....

I want to have kids someday. I just turned 29 this month, and both my sisters had their first kid @ 30, and when I was younger i actually thought that was old.


This is a very special goal....and you deserve to achieve this with a healthier partner....
(Yes, I needed to hear that one too!)

I don't want that to be me, but I'm such a wimp. I have a self-esteem problem and I need help.


And, you are NOT a wimp....Wimps deny their problems....
You, on the other hand, are attempting to examine things closer...
This makes you brave and courageous in my mind!

Keep coming back....We're here to help!

All the best,



Linda
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Old 01-26-2014, 06:40 PM
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I hope each break up has made you see, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Get out and stay out, or at least set some goals for yourself once you are out like: you will not have any communication with him until he's been sober for a good while.

You will not fall for his manipulations any more and the only thing you will believe is seeing his recovery, feeling his recover other wise HE'S lost someone good.

Tell yourself each and everyday after you leave that you deserve so much more and will no longer settle for less.

I know it's not easy cause I've been there but it's doable very doable!!!!!
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Old 01-27-2014, 03:45 PM
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To Diva,

He's not married, his daughter's mother is. We were high school sweethearts, and he knocked this girl up over Christmas break my first year of college. He stayed home, and I moved away but we continued to see eachother long-distance. I know I should have left then...

I know I tend to ramble and it's confusing sometimes. (baby momma's soon to be ex husband...)
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Old 01-27-2014, 11:38 PM
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Originally Posted by worriedmind View Post
To Diva,

He's not married, his daughter's mother is. We were high school sweethearts, and he knocked this girl up over Christmas break my first year of college. He stayed home, and I moved away but we continued to see eachother long-distance. I know I should have left then...

I know I tend to ramble and it's confusing sometimes. (baby momma's soon to be ex husband...)
Oh no, I'm so sorry....if you read my very early posts you'll
see that I had to let go of my guy that I originally met in Middle School...
He looked me up 15 years after we graduated highschool, but the drinking got out of hand, so I had to leave...
The fact that he's your high school sweetheart means that the two of you have a lot of history.....this makes it so much harder...
It sounds like you've been through a lot with him....
I'm not sure I would have been able to stay with my boyfriend if he cheated on me and got someone pregnant....
You must have really cared about him to be able to move past that....

I sincerely hope things get better for you....
Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to chat...


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