Danae

I'm not familiar with the children's books in question, but from my own experience the "and Daddy loves you" thing gave me the creeps.

My A father was verbally abusive and it would have meant a lot to have some recognition of the havoc that he played with our family. My mother wasn't capable of addressing that. A book that explained some of it might have been helpful.

But the "Daddy loves you" in the context of verbal abuse and neglect (and his amazing self-centeredness) would have been very confusing. And would have predisposed me to think that it was ok to allow people to love me like that.

From this thread it seems like there are a number of different scenarios---and in some this book might be helpful, and in others not so much. I liked the idea that all such books need to be read carefully by the non-A parent and then read with the child.

Great and thought-provoking thread!

cynical one

I personally don't like the use of "daddy is sick". Sick to a child is having a tummy ache, a cold, the poops, etc. where someone needs to take care of them, put a cold rag on their head, make them chicken soup, and comfort them. "Daddy is sick" but cant come home, or needs to be left alone, or needs to get help on his own, would sound like mommy is being mean to daddy. And, puts the child in the role of wanting to be the caregiver.

Love is an action not just a word. Saying you love someone but then not showing it would be very confusing to a child. Neglect and abuse is not love. Neither is being super-hero daddy when sober and short-tempered and unavailable daddy when drunk. It teaches children to settle for crumbs or gives them a skewed version of how to love and be loved.

Just my thoughts.

LvWrAM123

Because my husbands relapse was secret and the age of my kids, I opted not to use the my daddy loves me, my daddy has a disease book, but I thought it was very well done, and that we might use it in future years when we speak candidly with the kids about addiction/alcoholism and their own risks as they get a little older.

I like the concept, and think it would be a great book and message for our situation. I know my husband love our kids and me deeply, and it was not wanting to lose us and the rest of the good things in his life that led him to seek treatment. However, in cases of abuse I can see how the message can be confusing.

I've heard it said you must be able to love yourself before you can live others. My husband FELT love for us and SHOWED it often, but it wasn't enough to keep him from drinking in the throws of addiction. And I think a big part of his drinking was not loving himself and not feeling worthy of our live for him. The day I dropped him off at rehab I hugged him tight and said, "We all love you so much." He replied, "I love you too, more than you'll ever know. And now I think it's time for me to learn to love myself." As he continues to learn that through his recovery, and stays sober, he gets to SHOW us even more of his love for us through those actions.

kudzujean

I totally agree with you. My father was an active alcoholic. He was abusive of me; he would slight me in various ways to get at my mother.

I heard "he loved you" in various guises until I got to ACOA meetings. I didn't believe it then and I don't now.

And yes, it invalidated me and denied my reality.

mattmathews

Maybe a good rule of thumb is that we shouldn't tell people (including our kids) how other people feel about them. And by the same token, we shouldn't tell people (including our kids) how they should feel.

And for what its worth: When I was young, I thought love was a feeling. But I'm really coming to a place where I think that love is a verb. It's not what we feel, it's what we do.

JenT1968

FWIW - this is my take on things. I grew up thinking that a parent did not love me, as a child, incapable at that stage of development of not internalising that message, I grew up therefore believing that I was unloveable. That was a profoundly damaging core belief to hold and it was not until I understood much later in life that a person can feel profound love towards another whilst being totally incapable of providing any demonstration or actions that could be nurturing or meaningful to the one they love.

conversely, a person can act in a way that is caring, and provide nurturing for someone they don't feel love for. Although feeling love and acting towards someone in a loveing way often are linked they are separate things.

just because when I feel love I demonstrate it and act towards that person in a certain way doesn't mean that the rest of the world does.

This parent felt and feels profound love for me, to the limit of their ability to love. They cannot always nurture or demonstrate that love in the way I need. But now, after much time, I understand that. I cannot stress enough how important it was for my sense of self-worth to understand that the person genetically predisposed to love me did feel that love for me, no matter what their behaviour was.

Humans are complex beings, and that includes kids, it is equally confusing to hate what someone does and still love them if you can't make a distinction between feelings and actions.

The equally important realisation was that unacceptable/damaging/unhelpful behaviour does not become excusable, or OK, or something I should tolerate just because someone loves me and/or I love them.

It's Ok to love someone and think they are a crappy parent/partner/friend etc, or not want to be around them or to be disgusted by their actions/behaviour.

So when understanding the world around me, I can acknowledge that I have feelings for someone and they for me, but focus solely on actions when making decisions.

When my kids ask, that's what I tell them my take on the world is. Whatever they feel is OK however complex and contradictory it might seem to them, and if how I see feelings and actions doesn't chime with them then that's fine too.