Registered

I am struggling a bit with appropriate responses to AH crossing boundaries I have set. I said No alcohol at all in the house - or the fridge, or hidden behind the rice or wherever! When I found some, I would get rid of it.

Now I'm wondering if that's the best thing to do. AH currently has some alcohol which I asked him to remove from the house and he told me he would. That was a week ago and I'm not sure if I should get rid of it myself or not.

I'm new to my own recovery and need a pointer in the right direction.

lillamy

Hey,

I think boundaries need to be for you and not for him.
Because your boundaries need to be something you have control over.
A boundary can be "if he brings alcohol in the house, I will leave" or "if he gets drunk when we're out with friends, I will leave him and drive home by myself" or something like that.

When you're setting up "boundaries" for him, it's not really boundaries, but a way of trying to control his behavior.

Which you can't.

You can only control your own.

atalose

Boundaries are for you and the actions YOU will take if he crosses them.

Excellent examples llilamy described above.

And I'm pretty certain that when your husband said he'd get rid of the alcohol that is currently in your home he means he'll get rid of it by drinking it.

FeelingGreat

Hi Registered, I think lillamy has got it nailed. You can't control his behaviour, just your responses to it. Think back to what you had in mind when you set that rule. What would be the consequences if he ignored you? Were you thinking of leaving, or asking him to leave? As an alcoholic, he's not going to stop drinking until HE'S ready, so you need to think carefully about what you will or won't tolerate.
Another consequence of banning alcohol from the house might be that he will drink elsewhere and drive home drunk.

allysen

What you set were 'rules,' not boundaries. And the unfortunate part about rules is that they require someone to enforce them, which is really stressful and not part of any healthy relationship. I think you would alleviate a lot of tension right now by letting it go, and not caring either way if its in the house or not. Sure you could get rid of it, but it will be back. Have you tried Al-Anon?

Registered

Thank you! People on this board are amazing!

I don't want alcohol in the house because I don't want it around the kids. I can see that I need to think about things a lot more and not follow my natural instinct as that is what got me into this mess in the first place.

I have some free time today and am looking for an Al Anon nearby.

I am getting my head around the principles of co dependency but still struggle with the detail and how to apply it in different situations.

lillamy

Don't worry about getting it right, just worry about getting to that first meeting.
It's close to 8 years since I walked into my first meeting. Al-Anon is still helping me stay sane.

hopeful4

Good for you! Glad you are going to a meeting and doing something healthy for YOU!

I agree with the above post. I also caution you. Whatever boundaries you make make sure they are for you and make sure you stick to them. Same if you give any ultimatium.

Addicts are like naughty children. If they see you don't mean what you say, they ignore what you said. So...say what you mean and mean what you say.

I hope you get lots of good support and insight at the meeting!