gerberboys

I've lurked for a little while.

I think I have finally decided to call it quits. AH is close to rock bottom and I have spent too long accepting the mental/verbal abuse, enabling, making excuses and exposing our kids to an environment that is not healthy.

I am fantastic at making excuses for every little thing.

I have attended a few Al-Anon meetings and really need to get back to them.

AH never really drank until about 3 years ago. He might have a beer every once and a while but I was the social drinker. Then bam - a switch flipped and he became a raging alcoholic. Burning through money, drinking every day to the point of passing out and driving drunk.

There have been spaces of time when he was good but there was always the worry that something would happen that would send him over the edge and back into the cycle.

AH has been diagnosed as BiPolar but refuses to take meds, etc. Combine that with the addiction and my life has become this unbelievable mess that I could have never imagined myself getting stuck in

I can't do it anymore - everything is a wreck and my boys are now getting old enough to realize that something is not right. His alcoholism has wrecked our finances and not only am I looking at divorce but more than likely bankruptcy. I'm 40 this year - old enough to know better, smart enough (I thought) from allowing myself to enable him enough to where it is destroying my life and livelihood.

My lawyer appt is next Friday and I need to stay strong in my determination to follow this through to the end. I love him dearly but he isn't going to change for me and he isn't going to change for himself until he hits absolutely rock bottom.

Thank you for being here

Hammer

Sounds like you are doing the best you could.

And that is not too bad.

Welcome home.

JustAGirl1971

Welcome, gerberboys. I'm sorry you had to join but am glad you're here. Like you, I've reached my end, too. My AH will be moving out in February. It's difficult. I can't imagine my life without him.... but I also can't imagine living like we have been any longer. Ironically, once the decision was made and we began working on our property settlement for the divorce, we started getting along really well. It's nice because it makes it easier to reach acceptable terms for the divorce & custody/visitation, but it's also harder because it makes me question whether this is the right thing.... even though I know that it is. Anyway, all that just to say: once the decision is made, don't be surprised if you find yourself questioning your decision, or even changing your mind. It's hard I've found journaling really helpful for releasing my negative emotions.

I completely understand feeling disappointed in yourself over how you've handled things in the past. But, try to be easy on yourself. We were doing what we thought was best based on the limited information that we had. It's always easier to see what we should have done after the fact. I'm sorry that you're facing a possible bankruptcy, too. That just makes an already difficult situation that much worse

Since you've lurked for a while, you've probably already read the stickies at the top, but if you haven't, you may want to check them out. Also, al-anon has really been helping me. I've been working through this al-anon book and it's helping me work through my feelings and learn to let go. As you've said, he isn't going to change for you. And, at this point, it doesn't sound like he's going to change for himself. I'm sorry

bothsidesnow

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My mother made the decision to leave me (her then 14 year old daughter) and her husband of 20 years as she was so damaged by her relationship with my AFather and close to suicide due to prologed depression.

She made the break and although I know it was INCREDIBLY difficult for her, she is happier and a whole person again. She has found peace, comfort and can breathe out eventually. It takes guts, I'm not going to lie. The trick is separation and removal from anything toxic. It has to be a clean break and that is not an easy task.

I am a daughter of an alcoholic and, believe me, your concerns about your sons are so valid and important. You are right. When they are at the age when they UNDERSTAND they may begin to internalise what they see and hear as normal or, worse, begin to have that behaviour focused on them. They may believe that this is the norm and many children of alcoholics grow up with issues centering around trust and self esteem.

They deserve peace and contentment, as do you. You are strong for doing what you're doing. Even if you must begin again and must make a new start, think of the value of that and how much your life would improve. Breathing again without residual and constant worry is a gift and I know from my experiences that the moment I took myself out of a toxic situation, I found the simple peace to work on myself and finally thinking "what do i want". I suffered with issues because I had the time to look at the damage I'd suffered due to my unhealthy lifestyle living with my AFather but I am grateful for the strength my mother showed. Althought I didn't go with her (circumstances), she is alive and has found her strength again. I suffered further but I was able to break from my cisrcumstances years later and I am proud of the strength I found to do that. Best decision I ever made.

I wish you all the luck. Best wishes.