MyBetterWorld

I think everyone read the word "meeting" and made the assumption it was an AA meeting. Which is something that belongs in the "things a normie wouldn't know" thread. A normie wouldn't have even considered it might have been an AA meeting.
Ha! Look at us...of course we automatically think AA!

Hawkeye13

Having a FTF with someone who has known you both will really be helpful. . . good for you! :-)

mattmathews

Just a comment based on my own experience: When I got into Al-Anon, I was a hurting puppy and I "needed" to share the fact that my wife was in rehab with everyone in my immediate circle. The fact that my wife was an alcoholic was a secret that I'd helped to keep from everyone for a very long time. I think I even helped my wife keep that secret from herself.
I won't say that everyone already knew, but the person I was most afraid to tell was her dad (my wife asked me to tell him)...and he said that he and his deceased wife had discussed my wife's situation several times over the years.
Al-Anon does have traditions, but they generally don't show you to the door if you break one of them. One of the first things I heard in Al-Anon was "there are no "musts" in Al-Anon." I think that liberating philosophy is what kept me coming back, even when I was sure I was "doing it wrong."
I think that my Al-Anon group will forgive me for the mistakes I made while I was learning about the program. I know that my Higher Power loves me in spite of (or maybe even because of) my flaws--and I think my HP is delighted when I learn and grow.

jessicajoe

First up.....hugs katchie. I don't think you said anything "wrong" and even if it had been an AA meeting I still think what you said was absolutely okay.
I also want to make clear that what I'm posting is really more about Alanon than your personal thread (sorry).

When I heard the stuff about not mentioning when your A was in recovery I kind of took it to mean not so much you should keep their secrets but more about hmm... keeping to your own side of the street, sorting out your own personal stuff rather than someone else's. Maybe that and not advertising a recovering A's history and circumstances to "new" people who have never known them as an A
I know I'm not good at keeping quiet about it, in fact the people I most want to know, and who tend to get a running update, are my mom and friends I told when he was drinking and I was thinking of leaving. I kinda need them to know how hard he is working right now so they know why I'm still here and aren't worrying about me.
I know at meetings long time members often say "for today he/she is sober" at points in their share so that doesn't really fit.
I like AlAnon. I see the sense in lots of it. I'm just rotten at carrying it out. Some of it confuses me but I try to go with "more will be revealed" when that happens.
*shrugs*

Hammer

That would be in keeping with the Traditions and all I was suggesting at the start.

Being an A . . . Does NOT Equal being a member of AA.

I guess that should be overwhelmingly obvious, right? Else if most A's were members of AA, there would likely be many fewer active A(s). But let's go much deeper?

Folks that need to know, usually know exactly and immediately what is being said, and what is not being said, when I tell them that I (me, only) am a member of Alanon.

Has worked that way with School Therapists, Teachers, Church, family members, and many others in my experience in Real Life. For anyone who feels the need to press on, I caution that some groups have "Anonymous" in their name for cause, and we need to respect that. Have never had it go past there.

The AA member does not likely need the support. They have AA, and hopefully a sponsor. So in our case -- Mrs. Hammer -- I totally leave her out. The kids may need help, for example. Came up just last month. Teacher asked why our daughter may have Social Issues. I explained that I am in Alanon to help the kids, but cannot discuss those matters beyond.

The teacher immediately and fully knew. Said she was, too. Her own childhood experience. Who knew? Same thing happened with a Teacher last year. I do not need to run my mouth about Mrs. Hammer being in AA. Daughter needed the help -- not Mrs. Hammer. This teacher AGAIN swooped in like an Angel, same as last year.

This teacher may or may not have then talked with our daughter about Alateen. I do not know. If either thought I needed to know, they would have likely told me.

Understood, and followed the same from the Armchair Experts regarding having not been to Alanon.

The whole thing seemed to be going high-drama for the sake of high-drama, so I was inclined to leave this be -- but the Traditions are pretty simple and straight-forward, and guide the Groups in their activities.

It does not include personal issues, such taking inventories nor anything about expressing or not expressing one's opinions.

But maybe first understand WHY the Traditions exist? This hard earned knowledge and wisdom, was earned from YEARS of hard work likely before most of us here were born. We should not lightly dismiss that with a total lack of humility and total lack of knowledge.

The continuance and stability of the Groups is most important, as that does the Greatest Good for the Greatest Number of People.

But let's let the Introduction speak for itself?

==================

The Traditions that follow bind us together in unity. They guide the groups in their relations with other groups, with A.A., and the outside world. They recommend group attitudes toward leadership, membership, money, property, public relations, and anonymity.

The Traditions evolved from the experience of A.A. groups in trying to solve their problems of living and working together. Al-Anon adopted these group guidelines and over the years has found them sound and wise. Although they are only suggestions, Al-Anon's unity and perhaps even its survival are dependent on adherence to these principles.

====================

And then the Traditions:

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.

2. For our group purpose there is but one authority -- a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants -- they do not govern.

3. The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

4. Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.

5. Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

6. Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should always co-operate with Alcoholics Anonymous.

7. Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8. Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9. Our groups, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

Hammer

Sure. Been there, done that.

The Traditions are (in my mind) about like "Best Practices," that we use in business. And when we can bring them to play in our Real Life world, they can give us GREAT benefit.

The whole process is Progress, Not Perfection. Seems the better you get, the better you can get?

Danae

Thanks Hammer, for the explanation.
I just needed a clarification of what you meant.

Hammer

btw, Kachie -- never meant to turn your thread into a lecture series on the Traditions, of all things.

Sorry on that.

Do good. Best to you and hubby.

wellnowwhat

If we are going to quote the traditions, I would like to include the comments included under Tradition Eleven in the "Twelve & Twelve" booklet from Alanon:

"In addition to the anonymity at the public level that Al-anon suggests - in press, radio, films TV, and the Internet - anonymity should be considered a personal family matter. Wherever the AA member wishes to the draw the line among family, friends, church and community, there the Al-Anon members, too, should draw it. Personal situations and the length of the alcoholic's sobriety may change his or her attitude from time to time, but the decision should be the AA member's.

When the alcoholics are still drinking, they have no anonymity; their own conduct exposes the fact of their alcoholism. Members have no obligation to cover up for them. On the contrary, such protectiveness only puts obstacles in the way of their seeking sobriety. If Al-anon members don't support the illusion that "nobody knows", it may compel the alcoholic to face the problem and take steps to find help.

Once alcoholics acknowledge powerlessness over alcohol and make an effort to accept the AA program, the Al-Anon member is bound to protect their anonymity and encourage them."


The way I see it, if the situation was that her husband was spewing lies at her expense at a AA meeting, he has not made an effort to accept the AA program, and anonymity is not an issue here.

I also read this to mean that I can discuss my issues and my recovery with my friends and family, just not discuss him, if he is applying himself to the AA program.

Also, when someone knows of his alcoholism and asks how he is doing, it is fair to say "he's trying" without worrying whether you've voided his anonymity.