TotallyOut

I have been dealing with my AB for almost seven years. He has ben to detox 8 times and inpatient rehab 2 times. The longest he has been sober for is 6 months. He has been drinking again and missing work. I leave for work and he tells me he's going and then doesn't. He lies all the time and I told him if he put as much effort into being sober as he does trying to hide the alcohol he would be able to stay sober. I went home from work yesterday and he was sober so I tried to talk to him about the lying and all I got is he is not sorry about the lies he told because he's not out cheating on me. I came back and told him he is cheating but just with the bottle. Also told him that at least if it was a girl I could fight that, the bottle I can't do anything about.

After our talk he left to go to a meeting which I knew he wasn't going go just by his actions before he left.
So I sent him a text that said "AA helps if you go", just to let him know I knew he didn't go. I then went to bed.

This morning he was awake when I left for work and told me once again he was going to work, come to find out he didn't go again.

I want to try al-anon but the closest meeting is 35 miles away from my house.

I'm at a loss on what to do Please just need some advice.

Lifewillgetbet

Your boyfriend sounds exactly like me. Detox countless times, Inpatient twice, missing work frequent (almost got fired).
There really is nothing you can do about it. I was engaged and my ex was in your position. She went to Alanon, along with almost everyone in my family. I basically just gave up lying to and said listen, Im going to get drunk and high now. Then I decided, hey, I better stop drinking and doing drugs now. Went to NA, got a sponsor and got honest.
After all these trips to inpatient rehab and the hundred grand I spent doing that, I think I have learned everything I can. Its just about putting all this stuff into action.
I hope everything works out for you. I know Alanon helped my ex and my family.

atalose

What part is confusing? His lying? His NOT wanting to get sober these past 7 years? Your inability to leave this dysfunctional relationship?
I think al-anon and reading here may help you find yourself again as you seem so lost in HIS addiction and have put so much of YOUR OWN life into it.

SparkleKitty

I have read that when living with another's addiction there are three possible outcomes:

1) The addict recovers and the relationship can potentially be repaired,
2) Status quo is maintained (neither the addict seeks recovery nor does the non-addict extricate him or herself from the relationship), or
3) The non-addict leaves the relationship.

When I was living with my XABF, all I could see was #1. It was, in my mind, the only possible outcome. It's also the only one on the list that I had zero power to affect. Meanwhile, I was living #2. So I took the only measure of control that I had and sought to learn WHY living in the unhealthy relationship was even an option for me. Why was any relationship with another better than no relationship? What was lacking in me that I was so afraid of being alone? Through therapy and a lot of soul-searching, I eventually reached a point in my recovery where, failing to have #1, I could only live with #3.

Happiness is an inside job. No other human being is capable of making another unhappy person into a happy one. For seven years this man has shown you exactly who he is, and for seven years that has been enough to keep you hanging around. Why is that? You deserve better than that -- not just from him, but also from yourself.

35 miles is not such a great distance if it is the first step towards a better and more fulfilling life for yourself. Please keep reading and posting and remember that you are not alone.

hopeful4

It is quite hard to come the reality that one is not going to recover and that they don't really want to. For me, the lies are MUCH more awful than the actual drinking itself. Now, my AH has never lied about going to work, that would be a deal breaker for me.

If there is no alanon close to you look for Celebrate Recovery. They can also help you with codependency.

You have to stop being so involved in his recovery. You have to decide what your boundaries are and how you will keep them...FOR YOU. Therapy would help you with this. I recommend an addiction therapist. I also recommend the books Under the Influence and Codependent No More.

Good Luck and God Bless. You deserve better for yourself, until you realize that you will never be free.

Raider

Run......run fast and don't look back.......

AnvilheadII

how about let him go live somewhere else on his own and he can do whatever the hell he wants?

YOU have expectations of how he should act, and he consistently does not meet them. can't get sober, can't stay sober, and can't seem to remember he has a job somewhere. lies about it all the time and then has the nerve to say at least i'm not cheating????

not much of a boyfriend if you ask me.

Hawkeye13

Yes--I agree with this--he won't do what you want and there is no way on earth to "make" him.

So it is time to cut your losses and move on.

Addicts just do this sort of thing. . . not your fault but you cannot fix the situation or them.

Ruby2

Sparklekitty said it all. I did option 2 for a long time. It was a miserable existence trying to control what my husband drank, whether he went to work, where he went when he said he was going to meetings (he did the whole rehab thing a few times). It was exhausting. But I recently realized that I can control him. I was only hurting myself by worrying about him. Worrying didn't make him sober, come home with his paycheck, come home at all, etc. etc. I also gave myself a swift kick in the butt because I had great fear that I couldn't make it on my own. The light went on when I realized that I actually WAS doing it on my own. He wasn't doing much of anything than draining our financial resources and my emotional resources.

My husband is currently not living under the same roof. I told him he couldn't come home after his last spectacular outing - didn't come home on Christmas. So, option 3 is now in play.

You can take care of yourself. I never thought I could do it but I am doing it. It feels good to not have to worry about my AH and what he is doing. I haven't gone to any al anon meetings but others have found a lot of help there (I am also an alcoholic and I am attending AA meetings for the time being instead). What I have done and found very helpful is buying a copy of Melody Beattie's book Co-Dependent No More. Gave me a lot of good insight as to what I was doing to shoot myself in the foot. I recommend that.

I agree with the other posters, not much of a boyfriend...from someone who has not much of a husband.

Ruby2

"But I recently realized that I can control him" This should read "can't" control him.