Boundaries & Expectations when rehab is done ...
 

Hi ... I just spoke with my rAH's counsellor at rehab. He is near the end of his treatment for alcoholism and PTSD on Wednesday or Thursday of next week. She wants to have a conference call meeting with me, her and hubby before he is done. She wanted me to think about it and to let her know. She said it would be a good time to set some boundaries and expectations for his return to the house - such as sleeping in the spare room, which he is already of aware of.

What else should I be saying about boundaries and such? I am getting anxious about his return. So much going on in my head. I know some of you have read about my emotional affair - that is causing a lot of grief for me right now. It hurts much more than I ever thought it would - and I know that it is my own doing :(

I think I want to try with hubby, but I just don't know what to expect. I haven't been to an alanon meeting yet. I need to make time in my schedule for a meeting - hard to do when it is just myself to run kids to their activities. (I know - excuses, excuses) ...

Anyways ... any tips or pointers for what I should be saying during our conference?

Thx
K

Does the therapist know about affair? Does AH? Are you planning to tell him/them?

I think you said therapist knew, right? Does therapist think you should tell AH?

My therapist knows about the affair. I did not tell the counsellor today on the phone as she had said it wasn't about marriage counselling it was more about how to make hubby's adjustment back to the real world. My husband does not know. My therapist said that right now for his sake it was ok not to share it at the moment. When and if we decide that our marriage is worth working on, then it would be something I could share with him together with our therapist.

One thing this counsellor said to me today that I found good to know is that right now rAH HAS to focus on his recovery first. He can't put anything else ahead of that or he will lose whatever it is that he puts first. So when he comes home, he can't think he can jump right into saving our marriage or he will lose that, as he will lose sight of his recovery. (hopefully I said that right)

I'm just so very confused. My indiscretion didn't help. I know that :(

Yep. he has to be focused on himself. Totally agree about not telling him until you know you want to stay married and he is stabilized.

Stay focused on your own recovery and getting better mentally.

I know it's controversial, but what motivation to you have disclosing the affair? My thought is that there was a lot of lying inside an alcoholic, broken marriage, and considering it's done and over, there's no catalyst to confess it. If down the road the subject came up organically, I would consider discussing it. Until then, it just seems as if you'd unburden your conscience at the expense of everything you profess to work towards.

Focus on yourself and your life. Why did you end up here? What is in you that draws you to unavailable men? What do you need to feel good in your life with your decisions? These are the things I'd be working on if I were you, and my boundaries would revolve around this.

I don't know what my motivation to disclosing the emotional affair is. Maybe to relieve my guilt (which isn't a good reason) or else it is to clear the air and lay it all on the table. It won't be disclosed unless we actually have our marriage work and then head to counselling. That will take a couple of months to figure it out I think as he has so many other things to focus on first. I have to see how he is and how I feel once he is back in my life.

I do need to focus on me. I haven't been happy for a long time in my marriage - lots of reasons and his alcoholism is a pretty big part of that. I have never been drawn to unavailable men before. I have never been attracted to anyone else before or ever done anything like that. I guess I was in a vulnerable state of mind which made it easy for me to fall for him.

Good. Good, that.

The pain, I mean.

There is a saying on the *other side* (AA, I mean).

I have heard some of the real achievers say -- "Pain Drives My (the A) Train."

Likely the same on this side.

Congrats first on having the Pain. It means your emotions are working. And Congrats on owning the Pain. It is yours.

Yes. Do not "share" i.e., "dump" your Pain on him.

Shut up and listen to what is expected of you.

You can choose to do that or not -- that will be up to your boundaries.

Sounds like you could use some help as well as him. Accept that and get to work.

Agree that you do not need to tell ah about emotional affair right now. you both have work to do on yourselves. But,...

Having been cheated on and I had NO idea for 6 months. I would want to know. If you decide to stay with him, and he works his business out...then he deserves to know so that he can choose to stay with you or not. If you don't tell him (at some point), then you take away that decision from him. I was only made aware of exAs cheating after he decided to marry her and they were engaged. A huge part of my pain from that was having no decision making power. I had no control over my own life with him, since i didn't know anything was amiss. Had i known immediately that he cheated or was interested in her, I would have left him ASAP. I would have had some control and been able to keep my dignity a little more than I was able.

If you stay with him, which sounds like what you want, then he deserves to know. It is a respect thing. I would be prepared for him to leave you if/when you do tell him. BUT, there is also a big chance he won't. His call.

I am sorry for your experience. That is heartbreaking.

If rAH and I do stay together we will be going to marital counselling. During this I will have to tell him about what happened. I do believe he has the right to know and my therapist said that this would be something at that point that she thinks we would be able to work through. This won't come about until he is further along in his recovery and is a much healthier place so he would be better able to handle this news. This of course is if we can get to that point. I am so afraid we aren't going to make it to that point right now. Only time will tell.

Maybe it would help to have a list of what you feel anxious about and let the therapist help you set boundaries on the conf call based on those from the list? Im a list maker it always helps me put my thoughts in order hence a little less anxiety.

Good luck and best wishes to you both!

Thank you ... that is a good suggestion. I will do just that :) I am feeling very anxious about his return.