AA Birthdays

Old 01-20-2014, 10:53 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
AA Birthdays

AA Birthdays -- You all know what those are, I guess?

The annual celebration of the "last drink" or sort of like (in a holy roller Baptist sense), the A Fully Committed Born Again to the Program.

They have the Annual Chip, that goes in the Chip Window of the Big Book, etc., on and on. And most AA groups do birthday night once a month, for all the members who completed another year in the program . . . . without . . . relapsing. Without relapsing -- key point -- will get back to that in a minute.

Mrs. Hammer relapsed a few years back. After that, I expected we would do the start-over thing, and she would start working her way back up the years. No biggie, she was honest about the relapse, but secretly was heading into the Eating Disorder.

When I asked her about re-starting the Birthday stuff -- she became angry, and asked harshly if I, "was questioning her sobriety?" While I had no idea what that meant, if I had do-overs, I would have to say -- Oh Hell Yes!

I asked her if her sponsor said she should start over, she said that the sponsor said she did not.

THAT was a Lie.

I came to find out the Sponsor told her to "Start Counting Days," after the relapse -- AA slang for getting a 23 hour chip, and building back up the weeks, months, and back to years. This came up as part of the Sponsor teaching me Eating Disorder information prior to Mrs. Hammer going to rehab last year. I was shocked and surprised that the Chip stuff was now a lie, but also confused on what I should do. So I did nothing.

Mrs. Hammer went to Rehab, came back whacked out her mind, like we have talked about before, and when her AA Birthday came in January last year (tomorrow, as now) . . . By that point Crazy Lying was the daily thing, and since we had sort of celebrated Mrs. Hammer's AA Birthday in the past as an event, Daughter and I went and got Mrs. Hammer a big bouquet of Yellow Roses -- one for each year as if the Relapse never happened.

Mrs. Hammer only sneered and said it was only for show. Figured she was still sort of whacky, but then at the end of last January she "dis-invited" me to the AA Birthday night -- as one of her Gossip Girls who was presenting her Chip and "was very mad at me." (mad at ME, Hammer). Did not make much sense, as I barely know these people -- but now have found out she was/is telling them massive lies about how bad I am supposed to be or something.

Anyway -- this year -- Have gotten VERY familiar with all the Crazy, Lies, and all the rest. And can FULLY Understand WHY Mrs. Hammer is a Dry Drunk -- She cannot be honest. Her entire program is a Lie. Chip Date and All. So I asked daughter what she wanted to do about mom's AA Birthday this year. Daughter said, "Nothing." Not that she did not say anything, but rather that we should just ignore the crazy and do nothing.

Dunno. So I guess that is what we will do. Pretend that what is not real is really not real.
Hammer is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 11:01 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Florence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I just know I can't help people lie to themselves or others. I may not rush in to help them or fix them, but I sure as hell aren't going to lie for them either.
Florence is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 11:03 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yup...I get it. My AH went up and took his three year chip last year. I was not there and had no idea he was going to do this. Now, while he has made progress and it is three years of being involved in CR, I don't think he had a right to take that chip. You know what...not my problem. I took mine later on also. I took it in honesty knowing I had done everything I should to earn it. Sad thing is, while it is a lie to everyone around them, more than anyone else they are lying to themselves.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 11:07 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
more than anyone else they are lying to themselves.
Double Yep.

THAT is the killer -- TO THEM. God Cannot (or Will Not) Honor a Lie.


==========

AA Big Book -- opening to Chapter 5

How it works

RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Hammer is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 11:45 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Raider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
This is something, even as an A that I just do not get. Why lie? Why are they lying to anyone? We are talking about adults here. Yes I have relapsed, I don't hide it. Maybe I'm just too old to keep lies straight. I would love to lie to my parents so they stop smothering me! They live in Alaska so it would be easy to pull off. But I am 54 years old, and I just don't lie... And I do not understand what they are gaining by lying.
Raider is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 12:03 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
soberhawk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
I think there are two kinds of lies, conscious lies we do fully aware, some are white and maybe ok.

And there are also lies that we hide from our selfs – we are unaware of hidden in our blind spots. We all have those unless we are fully enlightened and saints.

I have at least at times experienced that I see something in my self – where I have thought: “Ups … I did not see that, I was kidding myself there.” I do not think it is that last time I have experienced that in my lifetime – hope not at least.
soberhawk is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 01:03 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Raider View Post
This is something, even as an A that I just do not get. Why lie? Why are they lying to anyone? We are talking about adults here. Yes I have relapsed, I don't hide it. Maybe I'm just too old to keep lies straight. I would love to lie to my parents so they stop smothering me! They live in Alaska so it would be easy to pull off. But I am 54 years old, and I just don't lie... And I do not understand what they are gaining by lying.
Got it, on your part.
.
And I think some insight on *them.*

It is all an image thing. Self image, and how they think others see them. Sort of like being stuck in a mirror of lies.

Scott Peck covers it in this book. I though it was a fairly Good Read. Offered it to Mrs. Hammer a few years ago. With no adverse meaning, just coincidental timing. Was not too long after her relapse, but I guess the lying was already setting in. The book enraged her. She still rants about it on and off.

People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil: M. Scott Peck: 9780684848594: Amazon.com: Books
Hammer is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 02:08 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
DENIAL=Don't Even kNow I Am Lying
involved is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 02:29 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Just curious, but why would you offer Mrs. Hammer a book with "Lie" and "Human Evil" in the title? Ha, my XAH would have flown off the (vodka) handle! Sounds like a good book to me. I will check it out.
peaceofpi is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 02:32 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Behold the power of NO
 
Carlotta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
You are in a bind my friend. Damned if you do (because you'll be feeding the delusion) and damned if you don't because I can guarantee you she'll get a major resentment and probably will act up in a passive aggressive manner for ignoring hre "birthday".
Follow your conscience but that's one you cannot win.
Carlotta is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 03:40 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by involved View Post
DENIAL=Don't Even kNow I Am Lying
LOVE THIS!

I struggle with the lies - it was such a big part of RAH's drinking pattern & then his entire relapse was centered around & the result of constant, ongoing lying that he was doing even after getting sober. I don't feel like he's still currently lying, but that doesn't stop me from questioning things sometimes... waiting for "more to be revealed". (Luckily the "more" has -so far- been an apparent conscious effort to change that behavior.)

BUT, what recently occurred to me in a new way is that RAH's mom IS a horrible, outrageous, compulsive liar & has been her entire freaking life. (I went NC with her about 15 yrs ago when this came to light)

So RAH was literally raised with this effd up barometer of measuring truths. No wonder our definitions of black/white/grey lines are so different at times. He literally did not understand what I even meant about "lies by omission" when the topic came up one day..... he really thought I was just nit-picking at him & I thought he was just being an a-hole.

Even with an addict for a father, we were not raised with this sense of lying being acceptable..... I can't help but wonder at how much more ingrained it is in him than I ever realized.

To answer one of your questions though - I fully expect that RAH started his sobriety anniversary date over again in Oct when he relapsed, even though it was only one day/incident.... especially since he hadn't been WORKING the honesty part of the program at all, obviously. But I haven't asked him if that is the way he is approaching it or not; it's what *I* consider his anniversary date, it's the one that will matter to me.

**ETA - Oh, and I totally agree with Carlotta - you are damned if you do/don't, either way I think. Follow your gut
FireSprite is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 04:02 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
heathersweeds's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 594
You are right, God will not honor lying. Neither anger or fear. We ALL fall short. Focus on you and your own program and you won't be full of anxiety over whether you should back up her decision she made about her program. Wrong or not,its her journey. Believe me, God doesn't let us recovering A's get away with too much before we are on our knees again.
heathersweeds is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 04:54 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by peaceofpi View Post
Just curious, but why would you offer Mrs. Hammer a book with "Lie" and "Human Evil" in the title? Ha, my XAH would have flown off the (vodka) handle! Sounds like a good book to me. I will check it out.
Hahahahaha . . . ahhh.

THAT was during the Long-Time-Figuring-Out-She-Was-Messed-Up (by me) period.

From after the Relapse to the shift to Anorexia /Bulimia stuff (which is what she actually wound up in Rehab from) . . . were a few progressively crazier and crazier years.

Exercise bike for HOURS a day. I called it her "Hamster Wheel." You know like what the Hamsters run around and around in? That was pretty much her Mood Altering Hyper-Exercise routine.



At any rate, she would more or less interact with us, and reading, etc., but always wheeling. Kids were VERY glad the exercise bike is gone. It was like a chain smoker being kicked out of the house.

So she would read, and sometimes we would trade or recommend books -- I thought that was a Good One, by her sort. Her Bachelors degree was Religious Education (but came out of college an Atheist) so I figured she would like the topic. My Bad.
Hammer is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 04:58 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by heathersweeds View Post
You are right, God will not honor lying. Neither anger or fear. We ALL fall short. Focus on you and your own program and you won't be full of anxiety over whether you should back up her decision she made about her program. Wrong or not,its her journey. Believe me, God doesn't let us recovering A's get away with too much before we are on our knees again.
Well, fair enough.

[Hammer checks mirrors and pulls out of parking space]

Back on My Journey, then.

Thank You. Very Much.
Hammer is offline  
Old 01-20-2014, 11:08 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Yes. People take cakes to AA meetings. Makes me a little jealous. Oh well. I could always take up cake baking...
choublak is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 11:51 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Yes. People take cakes to AA meetings. Makes me a little jealous. Oh well. I could always take up cake baking...
Yeah, newly recovering A's generally LOVE sweets.

Sometimes we (AA and Alanon) have combined parties with a Speaker Meeting or something. I have fun making Cupcakes or Cookies with the kids for that. [oh gawd, I am a poosy.]

As far as the (faux) birthday thing today. I just let it slide, but I think some of the AA Gossip Girls are coming over to the house tonight. I am working out of town for a day or two. So I guess they will do what they do.

Feel sorry for Daughter. She will likely feel she has to report back this week's new crop of lies from the Gossip Girls.

Cool thing with daughter this week -- she "moves up" from private lessons to Theater on Ice. I will miss her coach, but still get to see him on practice days. I grew up in the frozen north ice skating.

Maybe I will do a Groundhog's day Party at the House. Tends to be MY Favorite Holiday. That way we can still do something nice for Mrs. Hammer without all the guise of AA relapse/birthday lies.
Hammer is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 04:09 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
NorCaliGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 563
Interesting. When my ABF was attending AA meetings in October (but NOT working the program, and NOT finding a sponsor) he told me he didn't "agree" with keeping track of a sobriety birthday, that he didn't "care for" the fact that if someone drank then they were expected to start over. At the time I was very confused - how could you NOT want to track and celebrate how long you'd been sober, and how could you NOT expect that someone would have to start over if they drank. Little did I know that at this time he was probably already drinking again. Shortly thereafter he stopped going to AA, and now drinks at least a pint of hard alcohol daily.

So, based upon my very limited experience, I'd say someone who is not willing to be honest about a "re-set" of a sobriety date is very likely not honest with their own alcoholism, and is in imminent danger of going right back down ole' Alcoholic road, or could already be on it. And that would include those AA Gossip Girls.

NCG
NorCaliGal is offline  
Old 01-21-2014, 06:19 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by NorCaliGal View Post
Interesting. When my ABF was attending AA meetings in October (but NOT working the program, and NOT finding a sponsor) he told me he didn't "agree" with keeping track of a sobriety birthday, that he didn't "care for" the fact that if someone drank then they were expected to start over. At the time I was very confused - how could you NOT want to track and celebrate how long you'd been sober, and how could you NOT expect that someone would have to start over if they drank. Little did I know that at this time he was probably already drinking again. Shortly thereafter he stopped going to AA, and now drinks at least a pint of hard alcohol daily.

So, based upon my very limited experience, I'd say someone who is not willing to be honest about a "re-set" of a sobriety date is very likely not honest with their own alcoholism, and is in imminent danger of going right back down ole' Alcoholic road, or could already be on it. And that would include those AA Gossip Girls.

NCG
Pondering that whole chip thing, and the sorrows I see it has caused our family --I am now pretty much say f-that chip crap. IT IS Not Big Book stuff. Made up after-market crap that feeds "A" pride. Like it needs to be fed.

As far as the Gossip Girls. Yeah none of them seem too solid on the Program. A couple go to the Alanon side from time-to-time and then run back and tell Mrs. Hammer what I have said or am working on. MAJOR messed up stuff for them, mho. Total violation of the Anonymity concepts, but I figure Mrs. Hammer winds up gobbling up the stuff she would never listen to me tell her. Oh well. "All things work together for good -- for those who Love God." So God has my back. All fine by me.

Codie that I am I tend to be more concerned for the Gossip Girls, themselves. Worse thing I have to lose is my patience with them or my "serenity" for a couple of minutes. They are screwing with their own Sobriety.

As far as the honesty part. She aint got it. Probably why God said "Tag" and whomppered her with a Compulsive Lying Addiction. God is pretty funny, once you learn to laugh at His stuff. And on the Good Side of things -- Her crazy crap smacked me HARD into Alanon (thank you, God) and the kids into Alateen.

ALL THINGS work together for Good.
Hammer is offline  
Old 01-23-2014, 01:49 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
I'm sorry you are dealing with that Hammer - FWIW I agree with those who said lying is no help.

As for the Chips... I know my wife sat there on what would have been her first birthday night after her lapse and she got more determined. When she finally got it I have to say it meant a great deal to her and lately with so many in her circle relapsing she's been extra focused on her program and I know the chip is something with deep personal meaning to her. She keeps it on her keychain and now and then she has a thought of drinking and she says that when she catches herself and starts thinking about the consequences and how much it sucked to reset the clock after 9 months without a sip and how many hours of meetings and steps and meditation it took to get that chip it gives her some strength.

Chips aren't the problem, your wife isn't the problem, you aren't the problem. The problem is that alcoholism can draw out the worst parts of the best people. It sucks.

Funny thing when my wife lapsed. She was completely miserable with guilt and shame for those few sips - didn't even get drunk thank goodness but her sponsor offered to go grab her a new 24 chip and bring it back to their seat but nope, she got up, walked to the front with her head up and let 50 people think whatever they thought watching her and that big pregnant belly go get the chip and I'm sure there were a few judgments and more than a little humiliation going on.

I try to imagine what kind of pull could have done that to her and realize it's inexplicable. I'm sure there are many who would be appalled as I was and thank God the little guy was fine but if anyone thinks that 'first sip' is just about weakness and choice just ask yourself this: If you had failed 9 months in and were 6 months pregnant, would you let someone discreetly get you a new chip or would you walk up there and get it? Me? I'm nowhere near that brave. It's easy to say that you would not have needed to get a new chip but that's a cop out. Seriously think about that one... could you let all of your friends and supporters and strangers know that you messed up? I wish I was that tough but nope, the shame and humiliation would be too much. She went back to it and stuck with it and today we think maybe that small lapse saved her life. We both assumed she was safe til the baby came and THEN the battle would start for her to stay sober and we were wrong - she never assumes she is safe now and works her program like a fulltime job.

I bawled like a little kid the night she got her chip. It's got no real value but it represents something enormous to her and to me.


Hang in there Hammer, for her sake I hope she decides to start over and get it off her conscience.
PohsFriend is offline  
Old 01-23-2014, 02:27 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hammer,

For those of us who work our programs and stay sober our chips mean a great deal to us. It's also good for the newcomer to see people take a 20,25,30,35 year chip. It passes on the message that sobriety can be done one day at a time.

No chips aren't Big Book stuff you are right,but they do have their place in sharing the message that there is a solution IF PEOPLE WANT IT!

Sorry you are going through this.

I like reading your shares you seem to have a good Alanon program going on.

Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Pondering that whole chip thing, and the sorrows I see it has caused our family --I am now pretty much say f-that chip crap. IT IS Not Big Book stuff. Made up after-market crap that feeds "A" pride. Like it needs to be fed.

As far as the Gossip Girls. Yeah none of them seem too solid on the Program. A couple go to the Alanon side from time-to-time and then run back and tell Mrs. Hammer what I have said or am working on. MAJOR messed up stuff for them, mho. Total violation of the Anonymity concepts, but I figure Mrs. Hammer winds up gobbling up the stuff she would never listen to me tell her. Oh well. "All things work together for good -- for those who Love God." So God has my back. All fine by me.

Codie that I am I tend to be more concerned for the Gossip Girls, themselves. Worse thing I have to lose is my patience with them or my "serenity" for a couple of minutes. They are screwing with their own Sobriety.

As far as the honesty part. She aint got it. Probably why God said "Tag" and whomppered her with a Compulsive Lying Addiction. God is pretty funny, once you learn to laugh at His stuff. And on the Good Side of things -- Her crazy crap smacked me HARD into Alanon (thank you, God) and the kids into Alateen.

ALL THINGS work together for Good.
fluffyflea is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:14 AM.