ForeverOptimist

Haven't posted in a long time. But nice to be back in a place where I feel understood.

I feel like I'm struggling right now with the AH. I've been working on myself and with the advent of the new year decided that it was time to be honest. Not that I haven't been honest before, but always backed down. (Yes, I have issues with boundaries.) For some reason something has changed inside of me, but I still have doubts. I told AH recently that I needed to live in a home that was free of alcohol abuse. Just that - communicated my needs - and it is his job to decide how to respond. I'm giving him some time and then I will work on the details for ending things if he decides to continue drinking. I'm OK with what happens, but I still get stuck when it comes to the kids (8&6). It seems like I keep hearing of the negative effect that divorce can have on kids. I am fully aware that living with an alcoholic parent can harm kids more, but I still can't help feeling doubts that it is the right thing to do for them. AH still plays with the kids and is present at all their activities so from the outside he looks like Dad of the Year. But weekend afternoon and evenings are when he drinks and "checks out". I just don't want to live with that anymore. I mean, when you are in a counseling session and the therapist asks AH to give up drinking for 30 days to see if things improve and he refuses, what is that saying??? Why isn't this clear to me? Because he does some nice things I should let all the other stuff go?

I guess I'm just venting but if anyone has some words of wisdom to share, I would appreciate it.

hopeful4

I think it is fine to put up an ultimatium...as long as you are ready to stick to it. No offense here, but you sound as though you are not very sure. That's totally normal. I think that it is better for your kids to have a healthy home than the hostility that comes from this sort of behavior, or that is how I see myself. I cannot control if my AH drinks again or not. What I can control is how I react to it. I WILL NOT have it in my home. I am well aware I have drawn an ultimatium that will 99.9% lead to divorce. However, I don't really like who I become. I have anxiety about all of this so much that it almost makes me sick at times. I cannot deal with that anymore. I have heard many say, and I think about this with my own kids, that the kids end up not so hostile about the drinking but about the way the other parent reacted to it, their codependency. I don't want my kids to grow up that way. It is also not who I want to be.

I guess that is it for me. I have shifted from putting his wants and needs in front of me. I am now looking at what is best for me and my kids. What makes us better people in the long run. It is baby steps and that's ok.

Good Luck and God Bless!

ForeverOptimist

Thanks, hopeful4. I am sure when it comes to how I feel, for some reason the kids just get me doubting. But I try to remind myself that by staying in this situation what they are learning is that this family dynamic is normal. And I don't want that for them. Because it is far from normal.

Good luck and God Bless you, too!

Mags1

Hi ForeverOptomist, my husband said he was divorcing me several times when I was drunk. Strangely, I have only just remembered this, then the next day everything was normal again. How horrible for him for a few years, but all I could think of was planning my next drink.

I was vague about an argument or something but always too drunk to care. It really went off when we argued, me this time, and he left. I sobered up immediately, we reconciled a week later. Long and short of it, I don't drink, but I did it for me, seeing what I'd become, once I was on my own.

My marriage is another issue, but I'm finding myself at the moment. But with boundaries, and living by them, you and your husband can either move on and he become sober or you live your life for you and your children. As long as he takes your boundaries seriously. Just my thoughts. Lots of hugs xx

hopeful4

I understand your feelings of doubts because of the kids. I recommend some therapy to deal with those feelings before you go giving ultimatiums. Addicts are like bad children. If they see you give an ultimatium you don't stick to, they just go on with their bad behavior knowing you are full of threats. Take if from me, I have done my share of this. With the help of therapy I can recognize this and am ready to put my money where my mouth is so to speak.

In the mean time, what can you do for you? Do you go to any meetings, therapy, counseling, etc??