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Thankful for the interlock!

Old 01-20-2014, 07:04 AM
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Thankful for the interlock!

I was gone for the weekend at a tennis tournament with my son. We were only 50 minutes away and I thought that, maybe, AH would come by for a match or so since it was within driving distance. He didn't. No surprises there.

So, my friend who lives nearby, saw my AH at the grocery store on Saturday night buying beer and then hopping on his bike which was outside the store. She said he was a bit wobbly. She is a good friend and we've known each other since our kids became friends when they were like 3 or 4 years old. She knows the stories because her son was over one night when my AH tied one on and I had to tell her what was going on because her son was witness to it.

Anyway, I am so grateful for the interlock device on his car. He will have it on for another 6 months and I know it contributes to my peace of mind. Granted I worried that he would get hit by a car or that he would crash on his bike like he did last year, but at least it's just a bike and not a 3000LB vehicle!

I came home yesterday and he acted normal, etc. Except he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. It's the first time in 18 years that I've seen him with it off. Not sure what that's all about, but it's not my business. If he has something to say to me, I guess he'll say it when he's ready. Who knows why, but I do know that I felt a lot of peace about it. A few years ago, I would have been freaking out or trying to find the ring or confronting him, etc. I am so glad for Al Anon and, of course, so thankful for the interlock. It might have saved somebody's life on Saturday!
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Old 01-20-2014, 07:15 AM
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I drank around my interlock and when I got it off my drinking escalated so quickly it brought me to my bottom 3 weeks ago.I was drinking and driving again after 2 d.u.i's..I'm grateful no one got hurt .The progression was frightening... I'm working the program now...grateful to be sober!
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Old 01-20-2014, 07:17 AM
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I am sorry you have to go through this, but happy you see the benefit of it. Yes, he may get run over or wreck the bike. However, he won't be running over an innocent soul in a car.
Good for you. We were talking about this at work last week (I work in insurance). How really it is selfish when you drink or even we hear from lots of kids who know elderly mom or dad should not be driving but don't have the heart to take the keys away. Wow...I have worked so many accidents where those people have seriously hurt themselves or someone else.

One lady just drove through an apartment and killed her neighbor who had just given up her own keys recently. My heart was broken, how awful. The kids said they knew she should not have been driving but just could not tell her and take away her independence. Now she has the guilt of having killed her neighbor and friend.

Sorry for babbling along. I guess I am always so happy when people see the correct side of the coin so to speak on this.

Blessings!
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Old 01-20-2014, 07:37 AM
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Liz, while reading this, I can't help but remember your recent thread where you ask the question ?How can we know when change is genuine?

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Old 01-20-2014, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Liz, while reading this, I can't help but remember your recent thread where you ask the question ?How can we know when change is genuine?

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I know, right! And, that thread was resurrected from last year but I needed the reminders that it brought.

It's funny, I am so tempted to say something snarky about the ring or about the drunk ride home, but I keep going back to my sponsor and her texts reminding me of how far I've come, etc. It's so easy to sink back to prior behaviors and I'm sure it's the same for the alcoholic. If I don't change, how can I even think that my AH could be capable of change. I know I've grown a lot, I know I see things differently and don't look at the world through rose colored glasses. I know that I've accepted my reality for what it is and for how I'm choosing to live. I don't blame my AH for where I am anymore, I can only blame myself. That's HUGE progress for me and I'm grateful for a lot of things today.

I'm heading out to hike with ds. AH is in bed still snoring so I guess he's not planning on coming with us. His loss. See you all later! Have a great day!
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Old 01-20-2014, 08:08 AM
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Have a great hike Liz!
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Old 01-20-2014, 09:07 AM
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He can also be charged with BUI or riding a bike under the influence. The interlock device will soon be off and then your husband will probably be back to drinking and driving.
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Old 01-20-2014, 11:14 AM
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Liz, I know you *know*, but biking under the influence is no safer than driving under the influence, and shouldn't be seen as a 'credit' to the A. AXH hit a parked car (he says parked and no police report showed up when I searched, so....) while BUI. He broke his shoulder and it could have been much, much worse. Seeing as the.... Seeing as AXH was seriously injured, he could have gone into shock, so, even though he was "just" biking under the influence, he was really lucky. Not to mention had he biked out into traffic on the busy road he commutes along, he could have caused a severe pile up.
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Old 01-20-2014, 11:22 AM
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Depending on where you live, you can suffer criminal penalties for getting caught drunk on a bicycle. Even if you don't in your state, something like a quarter of all fatal bike accidents involve biking under the influence.

I bike, and I take this really seriously. It's nothing to mess with. I don't see any silver linings here, except with your detachment.

How are your plans to separate going?
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Old 01-20-2014, 12:13 PM
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Good points you guys, about the BUI. I know there are risks but the route he took was mostly desert side paths (next to our 2 lane road) and was only dangerous when he lost the bike lanes around a curve. He did crash on his bike doing this once before and had a HUGE gash on his head. He is good with trauma and ER type stuff because his mom was a 40 year ER nurse and taught them how to use good triage practices at home. So, basically, he needed stitches but was able to tend to himself at home. He wouldn't have been able to drive himself to the ER anyway, since he has the interlock.

As for the hike: we only made it halfway up. It was listed as a 'difficult trail' and I underestimated what those words meant. It was a 60 degree angle going up, I had to be on the balls of my feet mostly, and the dog was driving me crazy. The trail was mostly shale and slate and was slippery and gravely. My son started to get a bit of vertigo when we hit a pass where it dropped off on both sides and we were scrambling over the rocks. I decided it was wise to stop and turn around. My quads are still burning, LOL!

As to the separation, I am in a waiting pattern. I can't give up the dog because my son gets so much from his interaction with the dog and it helps his anxiety about staying home alone. Also, it would be a HUGE fight with AH because AH would insist that the dog would be safe with him, yeah right. I still say lots of prayers every time I go out of town and have to leave the dog with him. I got turned down by another promising rental and honestly, I am burnt out of the whole process. I know I need to persevere but homeschooling, meetings, cooking, exercise, cleaning, my son's tennis schedule, life, etc are killing my time. It's hard for me to get away when I have only short breaks in my day so I am scheduling these rental visits on a very random scheduling basis. In other words, I see about 1 rental every week or so, apply for the house if it works for us, and then get turned down. At one point, the owner was willing to take us on, but the leasing company said my credit score wasn't high enough(it's at 790 right now). I have near perfect credit, what the heck? I haven't decided if the house is worth the fight, though, because it's around 2100 SF and the summer cooling bill will be close to $500 and I am not sure it's worth the extra cost. I was trying to find a house around 1200 SF to 1600SF.

And, of course, AH has been on his best behavior since just before the holidays so I get comfortable and I slack off and I forget my goals, my dreams, my vision, etc. Very frequently, I feel like I have to slap myself upside the face to get myself to WAKE UP. So, that's where it's at, LOL!
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Old 01-20-2014, 12:51 PM
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Gosh, I get soo confused---I though that in your origional post (this thread)---that active drinking, neglecting the tournament, and taking off his wedding ring was not his BEST behavior.......??

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Old 01-20-2014, 01:30 PM
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Looks to me he is testing the waters by taking off the ring. Just what does life feel like to not wear one?
perhaps sending you a message too.

I see disintegration. You two talk, but when you do, it's in that passive and sometimes passive aggressive way...by taking off a ring, by not showing up...what I am saying is that he practices detachment just like you do.

He also is probably frustrated that he's been "a good boy" since before the holidays yet you haven't come around to loving that good boy in the ways he wants you to. Then he says to heck with it, I might as well stay home alone and get smashed.

I recognize some of this. Seen it here from time to time.

I'm glad you can detach when you need to.
I'm curious about the detachment all the time.
There's good detach, and there's numbing detachment, or escapism.
It can be practiced with alcohol, but it can be practiced by building walls too...there's a difference between when we need to detach, and when we build walls...
thinking aloud, and thinking about me too.
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Old 01-20-2014, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Gosh, I get soo confused---I though that in your origional post (this thread)---that active drinking, neglecting the tournament, and taking off his wedding ring was not his BEST behavior.......??

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LOL, they're not. I mean, in how he's behaving around us. He's being friendly, communicative, kind, generous in helping without me asking, spending time with our son and taking him to practices, etc. Also, he never promised to come to the tournaments. He made a passing mention about it around Christmas time but it hasn't come up again.

My biggest issues with him were how he was treating us a few months ago. As for the ring thing: I don't know what's up with that? His choice. He's still being normal, he doesn't drink around us....for now. I know that can all change in a heartbeat and yes, I'm still looking for a place to live for me and my son. I'm just going with the flow around here and being nice and polite right back to him. We are getting along well and spending time as a family more so now than in a very long time. I don't doubt that it's part of his plan to keep things status quo and comfortable for him, but for now it's OK. Not perfect, but OK.
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Old 01-20-2014, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 View Post
Looks to me he is testing the waters by taking off the ring. Just what does life feel like to not wear one?
perhaps sending you a message too.

I see disintegration. You two talk, but when you do, it's in that passive and sometimes passive aggressive way...by taking off a ring, by not showing up...what I am saying is that he practices detachment just like you do.

He also is probably frustrated that he's been "a good boy" since before the holidays yet you haven't come around to loving that good boy in the ways he wants you to. Then he says to heck with it, I might as well stay home alone and get smashed.

I recognize some of this. Seen it here from time to time.

I'm glad you can detach when you need to.
I'm curious about the detachment all the time.
There's good detach, and there's numbing detachment, or escapism.
It can be practiced with alcohol, but it can be practiced by building walls too...there's a difference between when we need to detach, and when we build walls...
thinking aloud, and thinking about me too.
I struggle with the numbing detachment (I like the way you put that) too. But, if I don't trust him, then I don't trust him and I need to detach. I'm not like that with everyone else in my life so sometimes I have to look at other relationships to remind myself that I am not just a wife, I am also a friend, a daughter, and a mother, etc and many of those other relationships are quite healthy in my life. It shows me that I am capable of having good relationships, despite how messed up my marriage may be.
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Old 01-20-2014, 02:23 PM
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Yes...I know what you mean. I definitely was not saying that you are like that in other relationships, only with your H, which I get.
I was looking ahead. Having followed your story to some degree on here. I am thinking ahead. I see the possible separation. I assume that it will become permanent if it happens. I assume that because I assume neither of you are calling the other's bluff.
Which then means...be ready for it. How you will feel if he actually said he wanted it, and what you would need to do, and have to do. There will be sacrifices on your part too, assuming you don't marry a prince in a year's time...so being ready...means being ready to apply for work, get work, and the sacrifices that come with that, especially time that now you have designated for other things.
You've been thinking about it for a couple years, talking about it now and then, and now it's time to get ready for it to actually happen...although I have no crystal ball! But the direction the marriage has taken points to a separation actually happening unless something big gives on both your parts.
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Old 01-20-2014, 08:11 PM
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Blueskies, definitely good points. I think there is a HUGE part of me that is ready for that shoe to be dropped on me, then there's the other part of me that is completely unprepared. You'd think I wouldn't be, but I know it's there.
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