Left my Alcoholic Partner yesterday...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: England
Posts: 9
Left my Alcoholic Partner yesterday...
First of apologies for my first post being so long and "dramatic", but this looked like a place that I could get some much needed support right now.
My partner (female) for the last 3 years has always had a drinking problem, I just didn't realise how bad it was.
I like a social drink myself and we had many great nights out and developed a wonderful relationship, she's an amazing woman.
However, It didn't take long before it became obvious that she was heavy drinking on nights we weren't together as she would be either very, very drunk if I turned up or be very, very hungover (or even still drunk) on mornings I would visit.
We talked about it on and off but I tried not to make too much of a big deal...however, things got worse and she started drinking more and more even when we went out, I've lost count of the times I've had to carry her out of bars or back to Hotels, etc.
She would get drunk on nights we weren't together and text me horrible messages, etc. none of which she claimed to remember the next day.
It reached a low point after I'd introduced her to my 8 yr old Daughter (after about 8 months of our relationship), I was sure that the thought of us being a family together would help her....but I was wrong.
On more than one occasion she was very drunk or hungover when she came to visit us both, on one memorable occasion she invited us over for dinner and when we arrived she was very drunk still from the night before (she would easily drink a litre of vodka plus bottles of wine in one evening) I remember my daughter asking me why she was talking so funny :-(
I have tried very hard to not judge and be supportive in everyway I can and have stuck with it for 3 years but things have not improved (or have improved for a week or two at most).
I was meant to see her yesterday evening but I could not get hold of her, I went round to find her car in the driveway unlocked with the engine running, the front door unlocked and her laying out of it on the couch with empty vodka and wine bottles around...this was at about 4pm....
I do not need to tell you that there have been MANY stories such as this.
I love her very much and she is such a wonderful person but I cannot take the stress of not knowing which version of her I will get when I go round or she comes round mine...I dread going out with her in case she gets so drunk she falls over and I have to get help to carry her out to a taxi.
However, most of all I cannot let my Daughter see her like this and we cannot have the family life I was hoping we could...I have to plan it so that she only sees my Daughter straight after she has finished work, that way I know she will be sober....that cannot be a good way to progress with a relationship.
She will not seek help and has very little memory of her drunken episodes and if I try to talk to her she accuses me of "telling her how to live her life", etc
Yesterday after finding her on the couch I went back to mine and packed the few things she had there into a bag and have taken it round to hers together with a letter explaining that I love her but for my Daughters and my sake I cannot continue..
I'm broken hearted....and I have failed...I am so worried about how she will react and cope with me not being there to look after her.
Should I stop being so selfish and devote more years to trying to help her? or have I done the right thing? I can no longer see her being the step mum to my daughter that I hoped she would be...I'm so very low but feel so selfish for feeling this way...
Mark
My partner (female) for the last 3 years has always had a drinking problem, I just didn't realise how bad it was.
I like a social drink myself and we had many great nights out and developed a wonderful relationship, she's an amazing woman.
However, It didn't take long before it became obvious that she was heavy drinking on nights we weren't together as she would be either very, very drunk if I turned up or be very, very hungover (or even still drunk) on mornings I would visit.
We talked about it on and off but I tried not to make too much of a big deal...however, things got worse and she started drinking more and more even when we went out, I've lost count of the times I've had to carry her out of bars or back to Hotels, etc.
She would get drunk on nights we weren't together and text me horrible messages, etc. none of which she claimed to remember the next day.
It reached a low point after I'd introduced her to my 8 yr old Daughter (after about 8 months of our relationship), I was sure that the thought of us being a family together would help her....but I was wrong.
On more than one occasion she was very drunk or hungover when she came to visit us both, on one memorable occasion she invited us over for dinner and when we arrived she was very drunk still from the night before (she would easily drink a litre of vodka plus bottles of wine in one evening) I remember my daughter asking me why she was talking so funny :-(
I have tried very hard to not judge and be supportive in everyway I can and have stuck with it for 3 years but things have not improved (or have improved for a week or two at most).
I was meant to see her yesterday evening but I could not get hold of her, I went round to find her car in the driveway unlocked with the engine running, the front door unlocked and her laying out of it on the couch with empty vodka and wine bottles around...this was at about 4pm....
I do not need to tell you that there have been MANY stories such as this.
I love her very much and she is such a wonderful person but I cannot take the stress of not knowing which version of her I will get when I go round or she comes round mine...I dread going out with her in case she gets so drunk she falls over and I have to get help to carry her out to a taxi.
However, most of all I cannot let my Daughter see her like this and we cannot have the family life I was hoping we could...I have to plan it so that she only sees my Daughter straight after she has finished work, that way I know she will be sober....that cannot be a good way to progress with a relationship.
She will not seek help and has very little memory of her drunken episodes and if I try to talk to her she accuses me of "telling her how to live her life", etc
Yesterday after finding her on the couch I went back to mine and packed the few things she had there into a bag and have taken it round to hers together with a letter explaining that I love her but for my Daughters and my sake I cannot continue..
I'm broken hearted....and I have failed...I am so worried about how she will react and cope with me not being there to look after her.
Should I stop being so selfish and devote more years to trying to help her? or have I done the right thing? I can no longer see her being the step mum to my daughter that I hoped she would be...I'm so very low but feel so selfish for feeling this way...
Mark
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Mark, I think you did exactly what needed to be done. As you said, she wasn't getting better after 3 years together, what would another 3, 5, 10 years do? Only she can choose to seek help. You can not do it for her. I'm sorry, I know that may not be the answer you wanted to hear 
If you get a chance, check out the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of good information about alcoholism, including it's effects on us (the sober partners.) Welcome. I'm sorry you had to join but glad you found us
If you get a chance, check out the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of good information about alcoholism, including it's effects on us (the sober partners.) Welcome. I'm sorry you had to join but glad you found us
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by MarkBack 
Since you are deep in the mess, let's hit the ground running?
Where to start?
maybe here . . .
.and I have failed
Congratulations.
Really. I am dead serious. Congratulations.
I can no longer see her being the step mum to my daughter that I hoped she would be
Here is how I play the kids part -- You can only have one #1 Priority.
Your #1 Priority is your daughter. THAT is great.
Your Priority is NOT some drama queen drunk chick. Again -- GREAT JOB, YOU!
I'm broken hearted....and I have failed...I am so worried about how she will react and cope with me not being there to look after her.
They have a way all their own of opening the bottle and getting it to their mouth -- all on their own.
Your assistance is not required.
=============
Now towards good stuff . . . .
So, you know about Alanon?
/
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Hi Mark;
You did the right thing. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and you are so right
to protect your daughter from it.
Your GF must choose to get help for herself.
You cannot quit drinking or take treatment for her.
That must be her choice.
I became an alcoholic myself for many years.
My spouse could not get me to stop.
I had to choose to myself.
Move on and do not get sucked back in when she calls your crying saying she will change.
Actions speak louder than words, and it sounds like she is deeply enmeshed in her addiction at this point.
You did the right thing. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and you are so right
to protect your daughter from it.
Your GF must choose to get help for herself.
You cannot quit drinking or take treatment for her.
That must be her choice.
I became an alcoholic myself for many years.
My spouse could not get me to stop.
I had to choose to myself.
Move on and do not get sucked back in when she calls your crying saying she will change.
Actions speak louder than words, and it sounds like she is deeply enmeshed in her addiction at this point.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I am sorry to hear of your current situation.
I applaud your commitment to your child, an active alcoholic is a horrible, unfit role model for a child. As parents it remain out duty to lead by example, and you have taken the necessary step to ensure your child grows up in a drug free home.
Today maybe painful, rest assured, your future self is going to be thanking you for stepping up to the plate and ending the madness.
Stay strong and focused.
Love and active addiction can NEVER be a healthy life choice together. NEVER.
I applaud your commitment to your child, an active alcoholic is a horrible, unfit role model for a child. As parents it remain out duty to lead by example, and you have taken the necessary step to ensure your child grows up in a drug free home.
Today maybe painful, rest assured, your future self is going to be thanking you for stepping up to the plate and ending the madness.
Stay strong and focused.
Love and active addiction can NEVER be a healthy life choice together. NEVER.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It was never YOUR job to save her from herself. You have not failed her at all as a matter of fact you are doing the most loving, kind act of all. Leaving her to her own life, to live that life how ever she chooses.
Staying with an active alcoholic feeling resentful and angry, constantly attempting to change them is rather controlling and un-loving.
At some point in time it becomes clear it's no longer about them but instead about US. US trying to fix another person in order to make ourselves happy. Thinking WE have some special power to stop them and put them on the track in life we thing and feel they should be on.
Sounds like her alcohol issues were there long before you came slong and most likely will remain long after you are gone.
You snd your child deserve far better then what she could possible offer to either one of you. Even if she jumps on the recovery wagon to stop you from leaving, know that it's s life time commitment on her part. To work hard at her recovery each and every minute of every hour in every day. She already told you she's not willing to do that and if she claims that now its probably just to keep the relationship going on her terms which no doubt will eventually include her drinking.
Staying with an active alcoholic feeling resentful and angry, constantly attempting to change them is rather controlling and un-loving.
At some point in time it becomes clear it's no longer about them but instead about US. US trying to fix another person in order to make ourselves happy. Thinking WE have some special power to stop them and put them on the track in life we thing and feel they should be on.
Sounds like her alcohol issues were there long before you came slong and most likely will remain long after you are gone.
You snd your child deserve far better then what she could possible offer to either one of you. Even if she jumps on the recovery wagon to stop you from leaving, know that it's s life time commitment on her part. To work hard at her recovery each and every minute of every hour in every day. She already told you she's not willing to do that and if she claims that now its probably just to keep the relationship going on her terms which no doubt will eventually include her drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: England
Posts: 9
Thank you, thank you, thank you.....
Your replies have helped enormously, I didn't know where to turn as I don't know anyone who has been in a similar situation. It is a comfort knowing I'm not the first.
I know it will be hard (ending any relationship is), especially as I still love her and know what a wonderful woman she can be.
However, as someone said above, my #1 priority is (and always will be) my Daughter and it is that which has ultimately led me to make this step...I pray that my partner can eventually find the strength she needs to quit the drink (the strength I could not give her) and goes on to find happiness.
Your replies have helped enormously, I didn't know where to turn as I don't know anyone who has been in a similar situation. It is a comfort knowing I'm not the first.
I know it will be hard (ending any relationship is), especially as I still love her and know what a wonderful woman she can be.
However, as someone said above, my #1 priority is (and always will be) my Daughter and it is that which has ultimately led me to make this step...I pray that my partner can eventually find the strength she needs to quit the drink (the strength I could not give her) and goes on to find happiness.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You have done the right thing. You have a daughter to look after, she cannot be in such an environment, and she comes first!
Until she wants recovery for herself it will not happen. Until then you would continue on to live with the misery, anxiety, and chaos it brings. It is just not worth it in the end.
Good Luck and God Bless! Keep posting, we welcome you and you are not alone!
Until she wants recovery for herself it will not happen. Until then you would continue on to live with the misery, anxiety, and chaos it brings. It is just not worth it in the end.
Good Luck and God Bless! Keep posting, we welcome you and you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
You haven't failed. You have HUGELY succeeded. Knowingly continuing this woman to be around your daughter would be the failure on your part. Congratulations on getting out...many of us on this board have not been able to do that for one reason or another. I'm glad you can join the club with those of us who are free.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 65
I felt like I'd failed my STBXAH too, but things are becoming clearer in my mind as time passes and like you, I'm a patent first and foremost. My children are blooming and I'll get there eventually..baby steps. Sounds like you've very much done the right thing and had simply no option. The effects on kids can be harsh, with the best will in the world.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Your daughter is so very, very lucky to have a parent w/this kind of commitment to and love for her. To echo what others have said, you have absolutely done the right thing. Your partner's alcoholism is not your problem to solve.
Please do keep reading here, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Here's an example of the type of info in the stickies: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You may want to check into Alanon to help you educate yourself about alcoholism and to provide support for yourself. There is so much learning that goes on in those meetings--I just came from a great one myself a few hours ago.
Again, kudos to you for realizing that you have to place the well-being of yourself and your daughter above the problems of your partner. Welcome to SR, and I hope you find all the support and help here that I have found.
Please do keep reading here, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Here's an example of the type of info in the stickies: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You may want to check into Alanon to help you educate yourself about alcoholism and to provide support for yourself. There is so much learning that goes on in those meetings--I just came from a great one myself a few hours ago.
Again, kudos to you for realizing that you have to place the well-being of yourself and your daughter above the problems of your partner. Welcome to SR, and I hope you find all the support and help here that I have found.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
I just want to chime in and give you the warmest hug I can via t'web. ESPECIALLY given that you have managed to leave whilst still in the 'I should have/could done/tried XYZ' mindset that I (and many others here) found so hard to break. What you did took real courage to up and leave without having attended al anon or getting support prior to that.
congratulations and well done!
congratulations and well done!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: England
Posts: 9
Thank you all again, so much, I"m not afraid to admit that your replies have made me cry...but in a good way...I'm feeling so bad, yet so relieved and that is making me not like myself very much. Your words and kindness have touched me greatly...
I have spent the night cuddling my Daughter close and watching TV and reassuring myself I have done the right thing...now she is in bed and I'm left alone with my thoughts and having to live with the consequences of my actions, your posts are helping me from not picking up the phone and calling my (ex?) partner.
I know that in the weeks to come I will have to explain to my Daughter why she hasn't seen my ex, but that can wait, I'll think of something to say....
Thank you all again, so very, very much...
I have spent the night cuddling my Daughter close and watching TV and reassuring myself I have done the right thing...now she is in bed and I'm left alone with my thoughts and having to live with the consequences of my actions, your posts are helping me from not picking up the phone and calling my (ex?) partner.
I know that in the weeks to come I will have to explain to my Daughter why she hasn't seen my ex, but that can wait, I'll think of something to say....
Thank you all again, so very, very much...
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by MarkBack
Thank you all again, so much, I"m not afraid to admit that your replies have made me cry...but in a good way...I'm feeling so bad, yet so relieved and that is making me not like myself very much. Your words and kindness have touched me greatly...
I have spent the night cuddling my Daughter close and watching TV and reassuring myself I have done the right thing...now she is in bed and I'm left alone with my thoughts and having to live with the consequences of my actions, your posts are helping me from not picking up the phone and calling my (ex?) partner.
I know that in the weeks to come I will have to explain to my Daughter why she hasn't seen my ex, but that can wait, I'll think of something to say....
Thank you all again, so very, very much...
I have spent the night cuddling my Daughter close and watching TV and reassuring myself I have done the right thing...now she is in bed and I'm left alone with my thoughts and having to live with the consequences of my actions, your posts are helping me from not picking up the phone and calling my (ex?) partner.
I know that in the weeks to come I will have to explain to my Daughter why she hasn't seen my ex, but that can wait, I'll think of something to say....
Thank you all again, so very, very much...
It gets easier, that I can promise. I know the nights are lonely. I am 5 months post-break up and I still think about my ex every night until I fall asleep. BUT the pain is a little less and the realisation that he has lost more than I have (me!). You are not to blame for this, you have walked away with the prize - yourself and your sanity and your future. SR is a great place. We're there with you for as long as you want us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
You didn't fail. And you especially didn't fail your daughter.
The drama only gets worse unless an alcoholic actively pursues recovery. I left an alcoholic partner and can clearly see it was 100% the right choice.
The drama only gets worse unless an alcoholic actively pursues recovery. I left an alcoholic partner and can clearly see it was 100% the right choice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: England
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by shil2587
For what it's worth, if she is old enough to understand the idea of a relationship (so older than 7 or 8 perhaps) I would tell her the truth. Give her the example of leaving to protect oneself. I wish I had had that example in my own childhood.
I have considered telling her the truth but I'm worried that she will blame me for the fact that my ex is no longer around.
You have to remember that I am no longer with my Daughters mother (we separated over 4 years ago) and although we share custody my Daughter is still hurting from the fact that her Mum & Dad are no longer together...My ex is the first woman that I have introduced my daughter to since then, and she has taken to her immensely (keeps telling me to marry her etc.). It's going to upset her enough when she realises that she is no longer around...I'm not sure, at 8, she is sophisticated enough to understand that what I did was in hers and mine best interests....she may just see it as "Dad has destroyed another family"..yet another reason for my guilt....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have an eight year old. Maybe you can just simplify. That she has some things she has to take care of in her life that we cannot help her with, so we separated so she can work on those things. You did not "destroy" another family. You are keeping your daughter safe and sound so she is not "destroyed" later on. Please do not doubt yourself, you did the right thing.
A word of caution. Do not introduce any significant other as anything but a friend until you are prepared to marry that person. Wise words from a therapist friend. One can have friends, your child does not need to know if they are girlfriends, etc.
Keep up the good work. Think of what this could have turned into...a true disaster not only for you but for your daughter.
A word of caution. Do not introduce any significant other as anything but a friend until you are prepared to marry that person. Wise words from a therapist friend. One can have friends, your child does not need to know if they are girlfriends, etc.
Keep up the good work. Think of what this could have turned into...a true disaster not only for you but for your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
There are age-appropriate resources and books to explain alcoholism to children, such as Elephant in the Living Room and the Brown Bottle. She's probably seen the wobbly, heard the slurring, and smelled the alcohol. Being open with her and letting her know the truth about alcohol could help her make good choices down the road.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: California
Posts: 195
If bad things don't happen from alcohol, I'm sure there would be many fewer people trying to ditch the drink. This could even be the doozy that gets her help. Maybe not even right away but it's going to be on a huge list of reasons that may drive her to get help.
I was going to be horrified that you dumped her in a letter but that really was the best way to do it. Something solid that she can go back and reread and know it's not her memory playing trick on her.
I was going to be horrified that you dumped her in a letter but that really was the best way to do it. Something solid that she can go back and reread and know it's not her memory playing trick on her.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
