giliji

My AH drinks whiskey in secret. The last few years he sleeps early and often. He will come home from work (sometimes he drinks after work at the end of our long driveway before coming in). He will go in the bed and watch TV. He's usually asleep in 1-2 hours (7-8:00). Some nights all the kids could be in the room watching something funny and we could all be laughing and talking loudly and he wouldn't even stir. The last couple weekends he has been falling asleep in the middle of the day. Either on the couch or in bed. Last night he slept from 8pm-5am, then from about 8-10am (I suspect he was drinking some before 8am but I really don't want to think that) then from 3-6pm. Its the deep sleep that is hard to wake him out of. This is the worst he has slept.

Today is the first time I thought his sleeping issues could be from alcohol. He's not an obvious alcoholic. We can't really tell when he is drinking. Although I am learning the signs now.

I guess my question would be is this alcoholic behavior or am I making a big deal out of nothing.

Blueskies25

I didn't realise it at the time but it was drinking that gave my STBXAH these odd sleeping patterns. He used to put our youngest to bed and fall asleep with her in the nursery and nothing could wake him. I'd take her out of his arms and he'd not even stir. He also used to fall asleep on the settee at about 9pm and then be up v v early. I know now he would drink in the garage (vodka in tea) and I guess there was less chance of getting caught at that time and he could top up. I learned quite a lot from the book 'under the influence' about the blood alcohol level and how the pattern of drinking affects stuff like sleeping randomly. I'm not saying this is your H's problem but it's certainly my own experience. I know how difficult it is to admit and face what we don't really want to know. I ended up exhausted with his crazy sleep pattern-trying to persuade him back to bed at 4.30am and then not fully settling myself (had no idea AH was alcoholic until the bitter end, he'd been signed off work with stress and attributed everything to that, although I now see there were many red flags and I did have my suspicions). I'm not sure what red flags you've seen too? Wishing you well.

Lulu39

It doesn't sound like normal sleeping to me, sounds more like drunken sleeping. It's not really the behaviour of an involved parent/partner. What do you think?
I think what you think is important.

Does it bother you?

It doesn't sound like he is participating in your family life. That would and did bother me.

Mags1

I drank till I passed out in sofa around 8 pm then up with the larks around 2am. Sleep pattern totally haywire due to drinking. Getting a lot better routine now sober x

FeelingGreat

Giliji, alcohol can affect some people like at drug, and i sometimes miss the deep sudden sleep of the truly pissed, but it can also be a sign of depression and withdrawal from life. Not good for your marriage I expect.
Some people like me do need a lot of sleep, and tend to catch up on the weekends, so I'd say that was normal for me, but if your AHs sleeping patterns have changed a lot, that would be a red light.
Can you persuade him to go to the doctors, and tell the truth once he gets there?

Mountainmanbob

could be that he is blacking out from the booze ?
is so he may be drinking more than expected ?
but, even most hard core alcoholics I have known
don't seem to sleep that much ?


this man needs a doctors appointment with you also attending
so as to get to the bottom of this

if in a healthy marriage these things should be discusses openly

Mountainman

evangeline068

My AH also gas deep and frequent sleeping. He recently moved out, but when he was in the house he would sleep til after 12 p.m. sometimes as late as 4 p.m. Then he'd watch tv most of the day and would drift in and out of sleep from around 7 p.m. to 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. When he'd go back up to bed and again sleep most of the day away.

I discovered my AH was also taking pills (un prescribed Valium) in addition to his normal meds prescribed for anxiety and depression. This was likely lending to his weird sleep patterns.

I was not successful in getting my AH to admit he has an issue with drinking or pills. I don't think he's honest with his Dr. Either.

Perhaps you'll be more successful. I don't know if Dr.s are allowed to speak with spouses, bit I wish my husbands' would speak with me. I don't know whAt is going to take for him to confront his drinking.

Good luck

hopeful4

Alcohol is a depressant that does make you tired. It also makes your sleep patterns crazy, in that while you are sleeping it does not allow you to get the sort of sleep your body actually needs (or this is what I was told quite some time ago).

I don't drink but I can definitely tell you that the more I sleep especially on the weekends the more tired I feel. I don't really know why. That combined with this crazy freezing weather makes me want to sleep too!

Wish I had more insight. Good Luck!

Catherine628

My AH's sleep patterns were wacko. Looking back he was probably passing out not sleeping. He would "fall asleep" with a glass in his hand, TV blaring, kids screaming. Couldn't wake him. He said initially he drank to unwind, relax, help him sleep after a stressful day. Regulating his sleep patterns without alcohol is a big challenge for him.

TotallyOut

This sounds so familiar my AB does the same thing everyday and tells me he doesn't sleep at night...but you can smell the whiskey

giliji

Thank you all for your replies. Now I know he is worse off than I thought. He can go right out no matter what's going on around him. Last weekend he was watching a game and the kids were in the same room. He just went to sleep (passed out apparently) We all thought that daddy was a deep sleeper sometimes. Other times he would wake up easily. Obviously he hadn't been drinking.

Over the last several months he has been withdrawing from family life. Although he was working 70-80 hour weeks 7 days a week. I don't think he was drinking much during that time. The first day he was home all day was the day he got completely wasted and we realized he had a problem. I guess he was making up for lost time.

I no longer know how healthy our marriage is. I used to think we had the ideal marriage, but not anymore. He lied to me a lot. One of his biggest no-no's is lying. If the kids lie about anything there are serious consequences. He would say that lying breaks your trust with that person. Well my trust is certainly broken with him. I question everything now and I hate it.

I am going to talk to him. I don't know if he will go to the dr. I am so worried about his health and I will tell him. There are things I have learned about alcoholism that I'm sure he doesn't know. We used to be able to talk about anything. Normally if I had a problem this big I would go to him for help, support and advice. He was my rock! But I can't go to him about this. If he doesn't listen I will have to accept that and keep on with Al Anon. I already feel myself putting up a wall around myself to protect myself.

I'm thankful he doesn't emotionally or physically abuse us. He still does things for me and he has started doing some things with the boys on the weekends. Of course, it's in the garage and that's where he drinks. He's so sneaky the boys didn't even know he was drinking. He will talk with the girls some too.

hopeful4

I just want to caution you. I hope he is not driving you or the children at any point?? If so this is a much more serious matter than just having a talk with him. I am glad to hear you go to Alanon. Keep going to work on you!

FireSprite

My secret-drinking RAH used to pass out cold like you describe as well, but it never made sense until I found out much later how much he was drinking. Whether he was just that inebriated, in a blackout, drank too fast to get his drink in before coming in the house, IDK.

Here's a story for you..... One morning around 5 am, after a late night, our cat went into labor and decided she wanted to be near me for comfort so she jumped up on the bed just moments before the 1st kitten was born - OMG, what a thing to wake up to! It was a frantic mess while I jumped up, gently tried to relocate mama & baby to a more suitable place - but she freaked, grabbed the baby, ran & hid under DD's bed. It was about an hour of utter chaos while DD & I found the crying newborn & set up a bed for her to continue giving birth in DD's bathroom.

RAH never woke up. Never moaned, groaned, rolled over, nothing..... had NO CLUE anything was happening despite the entire house being lit up & LOUD. I had to pull & drag the now-gross comforter off of our bed with him still wrapped up in his side of it & he STILL NEVER MOVED a muscle. He was stunned when he woke to hear about the antics & see all that had happened - I was just as stunned, but for different reasons, lol.

Wow, you guys trigger some crazy memories when I read these threads.

PippiLngstockng

Brings me back to what I left. Xah used to come home early (3 or 4pm) frequently, with a buzz on. I would leave almost as soon as he walked in (to avoid a fight) and he'd hang out with the children while I'd get out of the way. Dinner he wouldn't really eat. Then he'd read to one of the kids and pass out mid story, often snoring loudly.

He'd come to when we shook him very hard and often. Took some effort. Then he'd say nothing but go to work on the dirty dishes and get to work on his computer, staying up and wanting to be alone while I put the older children, and then myself, to bed.

He's a garage/basement/car drinker.

I can see what was happening now, but back then I was so busy with the children and I had no one and no where to go with my concerns. If I went to him I'd have h**l to pay.

Does any of this sound like what you're experiencing with your A? That wasn't much of a marriage, when we started living apart in the same house.

Good good really really good good riddance!

giliji

Hopeful he absolutely does not drive any of us. When I am with him we take my car. When the boys are with him they take turns driving. Our youngest couldn't get to a basketball practice because I had no way to get her there and I didn't want him to drive her. Fortunately she didn't know about the practice. I was very angry about that. Damm alcohol

BTW the boys (15 & 19) don't want him driving them. They know what's going on.

giliji

FireSprite and Pippi your stories sound exactly like my AH. I never connected the dots before.

Stung

How interesting. I never put these two together but I used to be so upset that RAH would come home and nap on the couch before dinner or fall asleep on the floor while playing with DD2 and he would be nearly impossible to wake up. All the time I would wonder why he wouldn't just go to bed and nap if he was so tired. Duh, now I know.

Liberator4EVA

Does he have sleep apnea?

I'm a problem eater rather than a problem drinker, but if i do drink I apparently snore really bad and suffer the most horrific fatigue the next day. In fact it takes nearer 2 days to get back to normal.

He might not be a snorer, but you may notice him stop breathing every now and then, till he turns over/snorts and gets his breath back. He won't remember any of it OFC, but will be getting zero REM sleep and feel exhausted. Then again , alcohol supresses REM sleep all of its own accord, though alcoholics build up a tolerance to that and have rebound nightmares when they try to quit.

giliji

He has snored all his life. Well the 30 years I have known him. I just make him roll over and he stops. When he is on his back I notice that he will sometimes stop breathing momentarily. However, when he has been drinking he seems to snore a lot less. I will have to pay attention next time. He is dead to the world when he has been drinking. When he hasn't been drinking he is very easy to wake up.

I used to think that he was extra tired when he slept heavy. He works more of a physical job now. But now I can see an obvious difference.

SoaringSpirits

Yeah, add me to this clueless club. My AH would come home from work (where I later learned he had been drinking), have a couple of glasses of wine (supplemented with the vodka stash in the tool shed), then "fall asleep" while watching a movie at 10pm. It puzzled me because it was a different pattern than in years past. I used to wake him up to get him to bed, but usually he was so out of it that I either couldn't really wake him up, or he'd be so disoriented that he scared me. Once he looked at me, his eyes looking at me but not seeing me. They were "dead" eyes and very creepy. I know now he was in a blackout state. After that, I started just leaving him on the couch. He's sleep sitting up until 3am, then stumble loudly to bed and wake us all up. 7 days a week.

For a long time, I thought he was just super tired from all the "hard work" he was doing at the office. It wasn't until after I'd kicked him out that I realized that he was bombed every night, for years, and I didn't really know it!