Dave1977w

Well you still did better than me, I got blown out last minute (that's cancelled, in case theres a different meaning in America) and went to watch wolf on Wall Street.

Win some, you lose some!

Lewis73

Well Wolf on Wall St is superb so it would have to be hell of a date to top that anyway!

As for why men/I can date so soon after AW left......

I think it's because I spent all last year giving everything I had to my wife, despite her saying it was over on Jan 4th (after she had, unknown to me at the time, kissed the guy she would go on to sleep with)

So when the year came to an end with all the revelations and horror.....I realised she really had checked out in Jan - I'd been single all year....despite having holidays, dates, sex, whatever with her. In fact, she repeatedly told me how it had really been over much, much longer (about as long as her drinking became something I hassled her about!)

So I dont feel like my marriage just ended....I feel like it's been over a long time - and in that time I've gone WAY out of my way to improve myself, and had nothing in return. I am in serious need of someone saying "you're nice" or whatever.

Maybe thats a coping strategy and deep down I am still crazy about AW...don't know - but I do know that, on the surface, I am 100% over her - and having my eyes opened to the pain she caused me and the kids (by you lot, in part) helped me reach that point like hitting a brick wall.

The other side of it.....maybe women? although not all women I suppose, treat dating as something serious? I am "dating" because its nice to go out for a drink/food and chat to someone.....I do it all the time for work. I enjoy making people laugh, having fun.

To be able to do that with someone who thinks you are half decent is just nice. There is no expectation that it will lead to a second date, let alone anything remotely serious...but if it does, it does I suppose - but in the same way you could fall in love with the person you sit next to at work.

I have ZERO desire for a partner.....but a friend, who's a girl, who doesnt mind grabbing a drink when I'm in their part of town - thats fine by me.

Lewis73

.....but last nights date....wow, that was bad!

On text she seemed to have a really dry sense of humor - turns out she was just not all that nice!

She works in prisons with the criminally insane, does all sorts of extreme sports, doesn't care if she dies, swims with sharks......all very odd!

Her story was VERY interesting....but I soon learnt that it's better to have something in common with a boring person than nothing in common with someone interesting! I could have listened about her job all day...but she would have got bored! There was just nothing to chat about that we shared!

Add to that, the bar had a little 3 piece band sat in the corner playing music so loud we had to shout like we were in a club......oh, and she wasn't English so her accent was tricky anyway - it was grim. We split after 2 hours!

It was funny...because when she came into the bar there was an awkward moment where we greeted each other .... it was like greeting a co-worker (and then she ordered a £7.90 drink....dont even know what it was! Looked like a small wine.....you'd think you'd get the bottle for that!)

Anyway, very different to the first date with the nutter who was laughing and joking with me within seconds of us meeting....maybe I just need someone a bit nuts

Good news....back in the car and got a text from someone that wants to get coffee on saturday afternoon - so ended ok!

Lewis73

It's interesting....I have a female friend who is divorced and since she discovered my situation has shared a lot with me about that (almost annoyingly so.....so chatty my 13 yr has said "if she becomes our step mum, I'm off" !!!

Anyway, she is moaning ALL the time about how she hasnt dated in the 3 years since she split with her husband....and I dont know why???

Maybe (some) women see it as step one on the ladder of a relationship???

Which they shouldn't, because if you met someone at work, is a job step 1 on that ladder???? Drinks is just drinks, a date is not a commitment to anything (unless you're the bloke in which case you commit to buying those drinks )

Katiekate

Maybe (some) women see it as step one on the ladder of a relationship???

I don't know, all she said was she hadn't dated in 3 years.

I certainly don't see a drink or a cup of coffee as the 1st step in a relationship, but I will say that after the break up with my x dating is at the bottom of my list.

But if you want to date you have to be proactive about it.

Lewis73

If I'm honest - I think the initial temptation was some sort of counter to the fact AW had cheated....revenge is the wrong word, but it's not far off.

However, having discovered that it's simply fun....it fits perfectly with (close to) the top of my list, which is have fun!

(obviously, kids are top)

hopeful4

Lewis...I get what you are saying. I also think it's very important to have adult friendship around you. You have put your entire life into your kids, you have time to do some of the things you want to do for you....so do them! If that includes dating....do that too! Surround yourself with happiness!

Have a great day!

JustAGirl1971

Thank you, Lewis. I think you are right. I think of dating as "interviewing for a partner", I guess? Or, like you said "step one" on the relationship ladder. I like your approach to dating. I know I'm not ready yet and am in no hurry to get there... but maybe I need to change my approach to dating? Stop viewing it as an "interview" and think of it is an opportunity for fun I certainly don't want to end up like your friend Lol on your 13 yr old. You have some great kids!

Your threads have been really helpful to me, Lewis. Seeing how well everything is working out for you and your kids (even if not as you'd originally hoped and expected), gives me hope that we'll get there, too. Thank you.

jkb

I sometimes feel like I am being a snoop on this thread since I am a recovering A and not in the same situation as most of you but, I LOVE THIS THREAD. Looking at how your life has changed for the better is such an inspiration to me.

Reading is has given me a whole different way to look at my past behaviors, my parenting and my messed up relationship. Thank you Lewis for posting.

Jess

FireSprite

This made me literally LOL.



Lewis - your growth has been amazing, it is so awesome to read these great updates. Keep it up!!

Lewis73

The thing that helped me was a conversation I had with my counsellor...talking about seeing other people she said (something like)

"It's ok to be angry your wife saw someone else....you might feel like doing the same to get back at her - but don't.....instead, see other people for fun - because that's all it is. Go for drinks with someone, take your mind of your wife....drinks are just drinks...it's not another wife....it's just get out the house and have a laugh....have sex if you want, you're an adult....you're allowed to do that! No one minds"

And that's how I treat it - I spend almost no time thinking about AW (if I force myself to, sure...it's sad - but it doesnt fill my day like it used to, I dont start crying when I hear her fav song on the radio!)

Nor do I want a partner......I like my space now, me and the kids. It's kind of why I am seeing people in London (I am 30 min train ride outside the city) - It means I won't bump into them in 6 months in my local pub!

It's escape. and its just drinks....that might lead to dinner...it might lead to a second night of drinks....it might lead to getting the train back from london at 6am ...... but it wont lead to a partner any more than sitting next to a girl at work might.

oh...and last night - AW drove kids to after school stuff....sober. So who knows, maybe she will be ok too. I hope so.

Lewis73

I was going for a Vince Vaughan in Swingers vibe.....but that may be more accurate

MissFixit

A psychiatrist friend once told me that it takes on average 3 years to recover and be whole again following a loss like a death or divorce. I don't know why that is the number he gave, but several years later I actually found that to be true. at least for me. i tried dating early on but found I was too raw.

as far as men moving on before women...another friend told me her therapist told her (silly sounding isn't it) that women mourn and men replace. don't know why. i find that to be true, but not always true. but mostly true.

Liberator4EVA

sentence of the week there!

Lewis73

Saw AW today.

First time since she went. Had to discuss putting our house on the market.

Was all very uncomfortable. Saw her at her place, she offered a coffee but I asked to keep things quick and simple.

She's slightly argumentative with regards how we go about marketing the property... But it's no big deal, I think she is just trying to exert some control in a situation where she feels she doesn't really have any.

She did not wish to discuss her drinking ( understandably, it's her problem not mine) but I did suggest that I need to know the boys were okay with her and say she explained that she was still drinking - but not when she needed to be sober ( by which, I assume she means not drinking when she has to drive somewhere).

I think her plan is to slowly reduce the amount she consumes.....I just can't see how that will work.

Only a couple of moments where I had to take a moment to avoid becoming upset...

First, she said that she had had a couple of job offers ( I don't believe this for a second) but smiled and told her that was great news.... She immediately responded with " why you laughing at me. Just because you don't think anybody would bother giving me a job because I'm rubbish"

It's really sad to me that she takes her own low self-worth and throws it at me like that.

And secondly, I told her that my solicitor was proceeding with the paperwork to court on the basis that AW had not bothered to respond within the time allowed. She said " I really care, if you want to get divorced then let's get divorced"

It's such a frustrating language to me..... I got sucked into a 10 min conversation which went like this:

" I don't WANT to get divorced.... But as you don't want to be married to me any more, I don't really have a choice"

her - " you do, we could just not get divorced yet"

" we could, but why? you don't want to be married to me any more so I would like closure from that. It's fine, I'm not angry.... I'm simply reacting to what you have decided you want"

her - " I haven't really had time to decide anything, I've been so busy"

"yes... But you have decided you don't want to be married to me any more"

her - "I dont know...20 years is a long time"

AGGGHHHHH!!!!!

I left pretty quick.

GOT TO REMIND myself - she is still drinking, she cheated on me, she let our kids down.

DIVORCE HER and move forward!

MissFixit

You are getting divorced for a reason. She is still drinking. She is still projecting her stuff on to you. Nothing has changed except her home.

Good luck and keep moving forward.

Lewis73

crazy thing is - I read between the lines she speaks to see if I can hear " I do still love you"........ but, if she simply said " I love you and want to make us work" - deep down, I know that is simply not going to happen.

So why am I bothering to try and read between the lines!!!

must keep moving forward!!!!!!

MissFixit

go to therapy. that will help you process your grief and acceptance.

JustAGirl1971

I'm doing the same thing, Lewis. My husband is sober again at the moment. He's the sweet, funny, generous man that I married. To be honest, if he asked to stay at this point, I'm not sure I'd have the will power to say no... except that my son won't come home with him here and my other son would likely move out if I let him stay. And, AH will pick the bottle back up again... probably soonish, too (like SuperBowl Sunday?) That keeps me moving forward.

I think there are two reasons I do this (not sure if yours are the same.) The first is that I still need/want affirmation that I am worth loving? The other is just that I want confirmation that the good times and the love were real and not a fabrication of my mind. For me, just identifying the root cause of why I do what I do helps me break the habit.

It definitely sounds like your AW is starting to have some regrets. That's GOOD. Maybe it will eventually help her get sober for your children.

Regardless, you are doing great! Just keep doing what you're doing!

Lewis73

for me, it is definitely the second one. A large part of me is still in shock that something so good when so bad and so any hint that she may feel the same is one I grab onto.

However, it seems she didn't find the meeting useful either!
I e-mailed her on my return just to let her know that we could adjust the kids rota if she wanted ( and a few other things she had asked for) I also said it was good that she seemed to be doing well. It was polite but caring.

lol..... She has just e-mailed me saying stuff along the lines of:

" I don't think we should meet again-let's do it all by e-mail. I was doing really well until today.

We don't need to change the Rota, I will get by on my own the way I always have to"

I think the bit that really annoys her is that the weekends are really busy getting the kids to places and she has that this weekend.... She was hinting that we should share the children between us but I thought it better (for now) that they are either with her or me. she then said it was fine to me because I had parents who could babysit and help......I said "yes, its handy... Why wouldn't I use my family to help"

Of course, she can't do that..... Because she shut them out and her "gang" of friends aren't quite as good as babysitting at all hours as decent parents can be!