Life begins at 40
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i have..... but even the 13 said tonight how she didnt seem like she'd been drinking....yet clearly had (otherwise she'd drive them).....so she can hide it.
they just dont remember what sober mum looks like to tell the difference anymore!
they just dont remember what sober mum looks like to tell the difference anymore!
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I know, it is sad. I recently had a talk w/my 8 and 14 year old about this. Talking to them about my AH and also a friend who wanted them to come over but I was a little afraid mom was drinking (they ended up not going).
I told them to smell if possible. Not just the person but if they can actually get a kiss from dad even on the cheek you can smell beer breath. They know that smell. Their father also holds his hands in a certain way when he has been drinking quite often. I also discussed with them the dilated pupils. I know these are just a few things and it is very sad to have to have this discussion with them but for me it was necessary.
My AH only drives my kids once in a great while and that is only when I have spoken w/him first. I can always tell if he has had a drink so that is good. My plan when we do separate is to make him pick them up from me every single time so I have to see him first. I always know. If he has been drinking at all they won't be able to go. I don't think he will fight me on this, but we will see.
It's hard, I know.
Hugs.
I told them to smell if possible. Not just the person but if they can actually get a kiss from dad even on the cheek you can smell beer breath. They know that smell. Their father also holds his hands in a certain way when he has been drinking quite often. I also discussed with them the dilated pupils. I know these are just a few things and it is very sad to have to have this discussion with them but for me it was necessary.
My AH only drives my kids once in a great while and that is only when I have spoken w/him first. I can always tell if he has had a drink so that is good. My plan when we do separate is to make him pick them up from me every single time so I have to see him first. I always know. If he has been drinking at all they won't be able to go. I don't think he will fight me on this, but we will see.
It's hard, I know.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Lewis
With regard to school bit,
They will treat conversations you have with them in confidence if you ask.
I went to school head teacher and explained situation. They now ring both of us if there is any need to.
Two letters home, two parents evenings etc, etc
Also I asked them to be vigilant about who picks them up, we have a list of people and only those can collect them, unless we both agree otherwise. They are very understanding.
It didn't rock the boat, and I know exactly what's going on with my girls schooling all the time.
Same with doctors and health visitor.
I also rang social services and explained. I asked them not to do anything and they didnt, but if something bad happens in the future they have it on record.
Good luck again mate.
With regard to school bit,
They will treat conversations you have with them in confidence if you ask.
I went to school head teacher and explained situation. They now ring both of us if there is any need to.
Two letters home, two parents evenings etc, etc
Also I asked them to be vigilant about who picks them up, we have a list of people and only those can collect them, unless we both agree otherwise. They are very understanding.
It didn't rock the boat, and I know exactly what's going on with my girls schooling all the time.
Same with doctors and health visitor.
I also rang social services and explained. I asked them not to do anything and they didnt, but if something bad happens in the future they have it on record.
Good luck again mate.
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ok...interesting update.
Wasn't really sure to whether to post what follows....but figured this place had helped me so much it would be wrong to pick and choose what I cover in my "recovery"
So....first of all - kids doing great. Eating better than ever, rooms tidy, happy, seeing grandparents loads (there for Sunday roast tomorrow), daughters moved back in today (helped by her boyfriend who has tattos and a motorbike....but also seems terrified of me - so at least he's sensible!) They are really good (still fight and argue a bit...but they're boys!)
AW...haven't heard from her. Know she's been out with mates (so will have been drinking). 13 year old popped in to get something he'd left round hers and said she took ages to answer because she was asleep on the sofa...at 4pm)
This week will be interesting...she has them Tues night till Thur morning....then fri to sun. We'll just see how it goes.....I am 100% nothing terrible will happen - its more the logistics of how she gets them places. I feel for her a bit tonight, not seen them since wed...still got sunday, monday and most of tues to go - I expect she misses them.
Anyway...onto me....
Now this is tricky....because I know this could sound like a bad/daft thing.....but...I went on a date.... perhaps I should explain!!! In fact, I'll explain in my next post......
But in summary with regards the kids...all is really good - they even know the house will be sold in the summer and we'll rent somewhere....they just want to make sure it has space for the xbox!
Wasn't really sure to whether to post what follows....but figured this place had helped me so much it would be wrong to pick and choose what I cover in my "recovery"
So....first of all - kids doing great. Eating better than ever, rooms tidy, happy, seeing grandparents loads (there for Sunday roast tomorrow), daughters moved back in today (helped by her boyfriend who has tattos and a motorbike....but also seems terrified of me - so at least he's sensible!) They are really good (still fight and argue a bit...but they're boys!)
AW...haven't heard from her. Know she's been out with mates (so will have been drinking). 13 year old popped in to get something he'd left round hers and said she took ages to answer because she was asleep on the sofa...at 4pm)
This week will be interesting...she has them Tues night till Thur morning....then fri to sun. We'll just see how it goes.....I am 100% nothing terrible will happen - its more the logistics of how she gets them places. I feel for her a bit tonight, not seen them since wed...still got sunday, monday and most of tues to go - I expect she misses them.
Anyway...onto me....
Now this is tricky....because I know this could sound like a bad/daft thing.....but...I went on a date.... perhaps I should explain!!! In fact, I'll explain in my next post......
But in summary with regards the kids...all is really good - they even know the house will be sold in the summer and we'll rent somewhere....they just want to make sure it has space for the xbox!
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Ahhh Lewis!
Sounds like life is much more calm!!
About the date thing.... I don't see anything wrong with a "date" ...companionship and someone to do something with from time to time is good.
You are an adult and deserve some healthy adult time too!
Just tread slowly and keep working on YOU!!!
There is plenty of time for a "relationship" when things have calmed down and everyone has healthy footing, but dating can be fun if done responsibility.
Enjoy!
Sounds like life is much more calm!!
About the date thing.... I don't see anything wrong with a "date" ...companionship and someone to do something with from time to time is good.
You are an adult and deserve some healthy adult time too!
Just tread slowly and keep working on YOU!!!
There is plenty of time for a "relationship" when things have calmed down and everyone has healthy footing, but dating can be fun if done responsibility.
Enjoy!
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ok...so this date...at the suggestion of a mate, I joined Tinder.....now, for those who dont use it - it basically takes a few of your facebook profile pics and lets you view the pics of others. You tick them "hot or not".....your choices are entirely confidential...unless they also "hot" you...in which case you can chat to them.
For a 40 year old, who'd not been on a date since 1993....it was really quite fun! And a boost to my ego that there were women out there who where happy to regard me hot
While a lot of younger people seem to use it as a pure hook up tool....it seems those over 30 just see it as online dating but far simpler.
Anyway...I never intended to do anything other than see if women ticked me as "hot"....get an ego boost and get on with my life ..... then a few started chatting with me - it was really nice to have a bit of flirty banter (and not even flirting really) with people after the last few years....but the thought of ever meeting them never really (seriously) entered my mind....in fact, it was terrifying!
Until one asked to meet for a drink.....so I said yes, thinking it would never happen. So she said "cool, tomorrow good for you"?
Half of me said NO...my wife had only just left...what the hell was I thinking....half of me said YES....I had a genuine fear that part of my grief over wifey going was the worry of being alone - the idea that I was dateable might help that...so I said sure.
Next thing I know I'm sat in a coffee shop in London waiting to meet her.....what was supposed to be a half hour coffee became a 4 hr lunch before I had to get to a work meeting. It was great to just chat with someone sober and fun and laugh.....and she ordered water with her meal!!!!
When I got home I thought that would be it...and was happy with that. I had the confidence now that I can go on dates and not be rubbish! That life goes on. So I sent her a text just saying thanks for good afternoon...she messaged straight back asking to see me again so we are off out Tues night.
Now....there is no way on earth this is going to be serious...she is a party animal, lives in the city - I'm well aware she regards this as just hooking up with someone she likes for a few drinks and a laugh. She is not remotely suitable as anything serious - but she's fun, hot, flirts like mad and just a real laugh.
Now.....what I've been trying to figure out - and can't quite...is how this makes me feel about AW - since this happened I've felt so much better about things (havent really thought about her much - she emailed tonight about the kids and it became a conversation that went back and forth....she asked me to tell them she loved them and asked how I was....I just said I told them we loved them every day - and left it at that. The old me would have been all over that enquiry from her about me.)
So....long and rambling...but I feel really good. If I never see the coffee girl again, it's no big deal. I now know I can get back on the horse whenever I need to/am ready too....and feel so much better about myself.
There's a few funny stories about the concerns I had about going on a first 1st date in 21 years with only a few hours notice.....but I'll save those for now (other than to say....goggling "do you greet a first date with a kiss or handshake" was pointless as she launched straight into the double cheek kiss and a hug..........women seem to have got an awful lot more confident in the last couple of decades
For a 40 year old, who'd not been on a date since 1993....it was really quite fun! And a boost to my ego that there were women out there who where happy to regard me hot
While a lot of younger people seem to use it as a pure hook up tool....it seems those over 30 just see it as online dating but far simpler.
Anyway...I never intended to do anything other than see if women ticked me as "hot"....get an ego boost and get on with my life ..... then a few started chatting with me - it was really nice to have a bit of flirty banter (and not even flirting really) with people after the last few years....but the thought of ever meeting them never really (seriously) entered my mind....in fact, it was terrifying!
Until one asked to meet for a drink.....so I said yes, thinking it would never happen. So she said "cool, tomorrow good for you"?
Half of me said NO...my wife had only just left...what the hell was I thinking....half of me said YES....I had a genuine fear that part of my grief over wifey going was the worry of being alone - the idea that I was dateable might help that...so I said sure.
Next thing I know I'm sat in a coffee shop in London waiting to meet her.....what was supposed to be a half hour coffee became a 4 hr lunch before I had to get to a work meeting. It was great to just chat with someone sober and fun and laugh.....and she ordered water with her meal!!!!
When I got home I thought that would be it...and was happy with that. I had the confidence now that I can go on dates and not be rubbish! That life goes on. So I sent her a text just saying thanks for good afternoon...she messaged straight back asking to see me again so we are off out Tues night.
Now....there is no way on earth this is going to be serious...she is a party animal, lives in the city - I'm well aware she regards this as just hooking up with someone she likes for a few drinks and a laugh. She is not remotely suitable as anything serious - but she's fun, hot, flirts like mad and just a real laugh.
Now.....what I've been trying to figure out - and can't quite...is how this makes me feel about AW - since this happened I've felt so much better about things (havent really thought about her much - she emailed tonight about the kids and it became a conversation that went back and forth....she asked me to tell them she loved them and asked how I was....I just said I told them we loved them every day - and left it at that. The old me would have been all over that enquiry from her about me.)
So....long and rambling...but I feel really good. If I never see the coffee girl again, it's no big deal. I now know I can get back on the horse whenever I need to/am ready too....and feel so much better about myself.
There's a few funny stories about the concerns I had about going on a first 1st date in 21 years with only a few hours notice.....but I'll save those for now (other than to say....goggling "do you greet a first date with a kiss or handshake" was pointless as she launched straight into the double cheek kiss and a hug..........women seem to have got an awful lot more confident in the last couple of decades
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oh....and working out twice a day for 2 years in the hope your AW with finds you so attractive that she'll sober up does not work........but......it does seem to produce gratuitous "here's me jogging in a bruce willis vest" pictures that go down well on Tinder 
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yunno the saying -- Best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.
Dunno. Do not tend to think so -- Seems like using other people.
And I would tend to think that we here have had enough of users, let alone becoming one.
Just pondering. But yeah, it is sort of an ego boost to know that it is out there.
Numbers just get better, ahead.
Dunno. Do not tend to think so -- Seems like using other people.
And I would tend to think that we here have had enough of users, let alone becoming one.
Just pondering. But yeah, it is sort of an ego boost to know that it is out there.
Numbers just get better, ahead.
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You're right - it is using someone, 100%......but I'm not sure that is a bad thing?
My AW used me to enable her while she screwed up...that's a bad use!
I'm using this girl (and now....er...any of the other 4 that have asked for a drink!) to be someone I can go out with on nights I don't have the kids and have a fun time. No expectations, just a laugh. Sure, it's a great ego boost......but there's no harm in that.
And, she's using me! She does't want a boyfriend, she wants to know that if she's bored she can drop me a text and hook up for a drink....and whatever else happens.
I need to be VERY aware, emotionally, that this it all it is...but other than that, it seems a mutual use of each other is fine when it's for safe, healthy, laughs (and not "pick me up another 8 cans please")
My AW used me to enable her while she screwed up...that's a bad use!
I'm using this girl (and now....er...any of the other 4 that have asked for a drink!) to be someone I can go out with on nights I don't have the kids and have a fun time. No expectations, just a laugh. Sure, it's a great ego boost......but there's no harm in that.
And, she's using me! She does't want a boyfriend, she wants to know that if she's bored she can drop me a text and hook up for a drink....and whatever else happens.
I need to be VERY aware, emotionally, that this it all it is...but other than that, it seems a mutual use of each other is fine when it's for safe, healthy, laughs (and not "pick me up another 8 cans please")
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I should add.....I dont know if what I say is right! Hence, posting here. Just that's how I feel right now....a year ago I felt different, thought I was right then....despite what people here said - and they were right! So happy to consider the other side of the argument.
One thing I am a bit worried about.....in no way have I fallen for a girl I've meet for 4 hrs.....but it has made me forget AW (which feels good....she filled my thoughts for far too long) - so does that mean I was mentally ready to move away from her? Did I never love her as much as I thought?
It's really interesting to me how the mind works! Right now I'm going on the basis that AW said we were over years ago.....so, had we actually split then, I'd be ready for something new.....so the last couple of hellish years don't count as being in a relationship (despite what I thought I thought at the time!)
One thing I am a bit worried about.....in no way have I fallen for a girl I've meet for 4 hrs.....but it has made me forget AW (which feels good....she filled my thoughts for far too long) - so does that mean I was mentally ready to move away from her? Did I never love her as much as I thought?
It's really interesting to me how the mind works! Right now I'm going on the basis that AW said we were over years ago.....so, had we actually split then, I'd be ready for something new.....so the last couple of hellish years don't count as being in a relationship (despite what I thought I thought at the time!)
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No wise love advice from me. I am a (I guess, relatively) low mileage, low circulation guy like you. I am just not going to mention the numbers after the women here laughed at you.
And yeah, the gym a couple times a week, along with being a go-to-work guy, and having the attitude that the "kids come first" . . . turns out that is a fairly "hot" combination when you start looking for a grown-up, sane, sober woman . . . or one comes looking for you.
Who knew? I have had Mrs. Hammer cut me down for so many years, I came to believe that I sucked when I matched that with my own low self esteem.
And yeah, the gym a couple times a week, along with being a go-to-work guy, and having the attitude that the "kids come first" . . . turns out that is a fairly "hot" combination when you start looking for a grown-up, sane, sober woman . . . or one comes looking for you.
Who knew? I have had Mrs. Hammer cut me down for so many years, I came to believe that I sucked when I matched that with my own low self esteem.
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Lewis, I think it is great that you are emotionally healthy enough to want to be around someone who enjoys your company and finds you attractive--
your wife wasn't very tactful or kind in that department either in her comments or actions the past few years and I don't think withdrawing your emotions from that continued abuse was a bad idea.
Her treatment battered your self-esteem and I understand why. This isn't any proof that you didn't love her, but maybe that you were tired of being targeted and ignored.
I think as long as you are honest about where you are emotionally and don't have heavy expectations from this woman yourself, it is good to get out, have a laugh, and forget about AW for a bit.
My caveat here is to not just focus on one person at first if you are dating casually.
You've been off the market a long time and need to practice your shopping skills, if you know what I mean
your wife wasn't very tactful or kind in that department either in her comments or actions the past few years and I don't think withdrawing your emotions from that continued abuse was a bad idea.
Her treatment battered your self-esteem and I understand why. This isn't any proof that you didn't love her, but maybe that you were tired of being targeted and ignored.
I think as long as you are honest about where you are emotionally and don't have heavy expectations from this woman yourself, it is good to get out, have a laugh, and forget about AW for a bit.
My caveat here is to not just focus on one person at first if you are dating casually.
You've been off the market a long time and need to practice your shopping skills, if you know what I mean
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Originally Posted by Hammer 
No wise love advice from me. I am a (I guess, relatively) low mileage, low circulation guy like you. I am just not going to mention the numbers after the women here laughed at you.
And yeah, the gym a couple times a week, along with being a go-to-work guy, and having the attitude that the "kids come first" . . . turns out that is a fairly "hot" combination when you start looking for a grown-up, sane, sober woman . . . or one comes looking for you.
Who knew? I have had Mrs. Hammer cut me down for so many years, I came to believe that I sucked when I matched that with my own low self esteem.
And yeah, the gym a couple times a week, along with being a go-to-work guy, and having the attitude that the "kids come first" . . . turns out that is a fairly "hot" combination when you start looking for a grown-up, sane, sober woman . . . or one comes looking for you.
Who knew? I have had Mrs. Hammer cut me down for so many years, I came to believe that I sucked when I matched that with my own low self esteem.
Intelligent, loyal and family-centered. Able to feel and express emotion, and holding up your end financially.
And it sounds like you and Lewis have taken care of yourselves physically as well which certainly doesn't hurt
The idea that women want "bad boys" who have been around was indeed true for many women when they are younger,
but when we grow up a bit, we realize what treasures men like you are.
I guess men have their version of this too, don't they?
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Originally Posted by LivingLife4Me
Even though I am still married and living with AH, I dream of the day when I can find a fellow like Hammer or Lewis IRL.
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Sue
What was great about the date was how relaxed everything is when you are in you 30's/40's! I'm glad she asked to meet me the next day, otherwise I'd have spent days worrying about it!
My stress levels prior to meeting where through the roof! Yet the second we met it was just simple.....I'm fairly ok at holding a witty conversation I suppose and within minutes we were having a real laugh.
After a while I asked if she wanted another coffee...she said no and looked at her watch....I thought "oh, this hasnt gone as well as I thought".....then she said "right, lets go get something to eat"
Was just a very relaxed, fun time.
and you know what...I like my wife more today than I did last week.
Its like a bit of me resented her for ruining our lives......leaving both of us alone forever. But she hasnt done that, how my life goes from here is down to me...not her. Now that anger has been lifted I can see more clearly how I feel about her - she's wonderful in many, many ways.....I'll love her forever, I hope we establish some sort of friendship in time - but her being an A is a terrible thing for me to be around on a regular basis - so we cant be together. But thats ok.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
My caveat here is to not just focus on one person at first if you are dating casually.
You've been off the market a long time and need to practice your shopping skills, if you know what I mean
You've been off the market a long time and need to practice your shopping skills, if you know what I mean
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Good lad
My advice, dive in and see what happens!
Therapy can come in many forms and formats I think.
Dating sites are full of users, everyone on there has their own reason for wanting to meet new people.
I think of it as massaging the ego, rather than boosting it.
The women I have met, just want someone to be nice to them, and someone to be nice to.
All good experiences so far for me.
Good luck, enjoy
My advice, dive in and see what happens!
Therapy can come in many forms and formats I think.
Dating sites are full of users, everyone on there has their own reason for wanting to meet new people.
I think of it as massaging the ego, rather than boosting it.
The women I have met, just want someone to be nice to them, and someone to be nice to.
All good experiences so far for me.
Good luck, enjoy
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