A Month Later...
 

RAH is here spending time with our kids after not seeing them for a month (as per my request.)

Girls are laughing, having fun. I'm holed up in the master bedroom trying to stay away from RAH and let him spend time with our kids. He's been back here twice now to ask if I'm okay. It's beyond awkward. We talk on the phone and I've been friendlier to him on the phone than I feel like being to him now, in person. I think he's thoroughly confused and to be honest, I am too.

Seeing him really grosses me out. :/ He looks fat and bloated. I've been picturing healthy RAH in my mind when we've been talking on the phone. I forgot how much damage he's done to himself physically with his drinking since I haven't had to see him since the day before Christmas Eve.

There are absolutely zero doubts in my mind that separating is the best for all of us. He is so unhealthy in every aspect of his life and I have not been face to face with it in such a long time (relatively speaking) that I've convinced myself that things weren't really so bad. They were really, really bad and this time apart to get myself and our home healthy on my own is showing me what a hot mess he really is. Yikes.

Ya know, my AH, as far as I know, has been dry and the difference in appearance is astounding but the opposite of what youre describing. He actually looks YOUNGER. The alcohol made him look older, much older, red faced and bloated looking. He's slimmed down some, skin is smoother, less red and truly looks younger. Even my son mentioned that during our lunch time talk yesterday. Its amazing what alcohol does to the body.

I wish I could post pictures of him on here. He looks less bloated than a month ago, but like a really fat, bloated version of the guy that I've been picturing in my mind when I've been talking to him on the phone. He used to be very fit and athletic and that's how I've been remembering him. He also has some really bad eating habits that he picked up during his alcoholism too and those haven't changed at all. He has only stopped drinking.

Same with mine. He's a redhead so his normally ruddy complexion is really red, and gross, all the time. And he has these weird dry patches of white flaky skin. And he's got a big belly. Reminds me William Shatner when he's really fat. (No disrespect mean to the great Captain Kirk).

This is a man who used to be a weightlifter and was a stone cold fox.

My XAH is on Match.com in case you want to hook up with him. LOL.

My RAH also looked five years younger after a few months of recovery. It was astounding how quickly the change happened.

I let RAH stay for 3 hours and then asked what his plans were and he said that he'll leave whenever I wanted him to. He was very nice and easy going about it. I was expecting push back from him and I was taken aback by the lack of confrontation.

After the first hour our toddler came and found me and wanted to snuggle with me. I snuggled with her for a minute and then returned her to the living room with RAH and baby. My duckling followed me and cried when I kept walking away from her. Finally I just relented and stood in the kitchen and held her. RAH gently tried to encourage her to let him hold her instead and she shoved him away. I felt bad for him, but it turns out she has a fever, so of course she only wants mommy. Poor sweet girl.

As he was leaving he told me that his sponsor told him his parents are narcissistic and self centered and that his parents asked him a few days ago to move in with them. Inside my head I was screaming but I just said "wow. That's really crazy." He agreed that it was weird and then told me that he obviously told them no. Phew!

He'll be back tomorrow for another 3 - 4 hour stretch. I was expecting the worst but it really wasn't bad, no arguing, no nastiness at all and both of our girls had fun with him.

Stung, he may be fat and discusting right now but he's in a recovery program and working to better himself, at least that's the impression I get from your postings about him. He may not have everything in life under control but he's trying and I wouldn't fault him for that. There are a lot of people who make lifestlye changes and gain weight in the process like quiting smoking. Im sure once he gets his act together, he'll address his weight. My husband ate a lot of sweets after he dropped the vodka. Alcohol is turned to sugar in yhe body and he was surely shoveling tge sweets in for awhile. I didn't care because he wasn't drinking n he'd get a hold of himself once he recovered from his brain injury n surgery. I dont know... just reading your post and how you feel about him, maybe it's better that you divorce him.

Yea I kinda thought "how shallow of you" but to each his own. If you can't accept his personal image after everything that's going on then don't allow him to entertain the thought of coming home. I would think physical appearances are the least of your concerns right now.

My rah also turned to sweets (Oreo's) after he quit. That lasted about 6mo and has lessened since. He has gained about 90lbs since he quit and it doesn't bother me because I'm happy he is sober, eating food instead of the empty calories he took in on his liquid diet (beer). He is healthy, liver enzymes back to normal and all together in a better place. That is good enough for me. He isn't the man I married (thank god) he's an improved squishier version... Which is really nice to snuggle with, he used to be so boney it made everything uncomfortable. Most of all I am not the woman he married, I'm glad he doesn't judge me for it as most of it is caused by health problems that I can't control.

I'm glad his visit went well and sorry to hear about the baby. Hope she feels better soon.

For some odd reason my AH is losing weight. I fully expected he would gain weight. He was heavier when drinking, almost bloated looking and red faced (he's a redhead & ruddy complected). The biggest change I've seen is he looks younger and I'm going to have to buy him new jeans cause his are sagging. Like some of you said above, mine also has a huge sweet tooth. I can't help but think that's not healthy either but I'm not going to say anything. I'll just make sure there are a lot of earthy options laying around the kitchen and for meals.

My husband eats a pretty balanced diet because I make sure of it but he also ate the sweets n I'm ok with him indulging in something way better than booze. He's a body builder. Always has been but the accident he suffered had him out longer than ever. He's gone back to the gym but hates abdominal work so I'm not complaining. I can accept him even if he had no muscle tone n a fat layer. He's a good man when he's not saturated in vodka. lol

Ooh dear, I didn't get the same impression at all. I just assumed that you were realising the damage he has done to himself and that it's a shock to you to see him looking so unlike his previous self? My STBXAH looks terrible too and I get a heartbreaking shock when I see him too, Stung. Seeing how bad he looks almost jars me into remembering exactly how bad his drinking was and why I made my decision to put him out, so I can see what you're thinking. I'm glad your visit went better than you were expecting. None of this is easy eh? Am sure your hubby will look better if he focuses on his recovery, then he will feel the health and ohysical benefits but it just feels like such a waste eh?

Pace yourself, friendgirl.

You are only one lap into the Marathon. Miles ahead.

Funny about bloated, etc. Back when Mrs. Hammer came into my life she was, ummm C U R V Y. Talking about a young Amy Winehouse. Had one too tight T-Shirt with "Giants" printed across the front. They were.

I guess you know that Anorexia can make molehills out of mountains. Looked more along the line of skinny-nearly-dead Amy Winehouse on the way to rehab.

One month in rehab, and she was still a stick girl. A hug would rest my each of my fingers BETWEEN her ribs. I could roll my hands up and count her ribs like speedbumps.

My personal low-point was looking up Ana-P0rn (Anorexic P0rn -- yeah, save your eyes, do not google it, it exists) to see if I could find her attractive if she just stayed that way.

12 months back now, and things are much, much, mmmm . . . smoother.

Patience. One problem at a time.

Work on you. If you Do Not Work On You . . . Maybe at one year, you may find yourself as a dumbass, LIKE ME, just starting (on starting over) over the Steps.

Big clue: Think About HIM = Time To Work on YOU.

In response to your AH's appearance disgusting you..sigh..my AH's appearance doesn't disgust me, but I do find that at times his presence does. I'm no sure that's even the right word for it, but I know it's me and my problem. At times I just have a hard time looking at him or speaking to him. I've lost respect for him and feel sad for him, which are feelings I don't think a wife should have for her husband.

Okay, I'm feeling defensive here.

Grosses me out is not equivalent to disgusting in my mind, which is why I said "grosses me out."

Yes, my husband's physical appearance grosses me out. He isn't fat and bloated from alcohol, its from binge eating. He has also been doing more online gambling than he should be doing and spending money excessively on clothes and shoes and his stupid car. He's not just an alcoholic, he was/is going gung-ho with lots of bad, addictive decisions.

After he confessed to being an alcoholic I asked for details like what he was drinking and when and where and why. After he told me he was drinking vodka, I asked why. He actually likes drinking beer, why would you drink vodka if you actually enjoy drinking a different alcohol. He said he was drinking vodka because it didn't fill him up so he could still eat. By eat he meant stuffing 12 western bacon cheeseburgers into his body. Now consider how bad excessive alcohol consumption messes with you, then add in excessive fast food consumption too. He only stopped the drinking. He's still eating fast food and thinks he can successfully control the fast food just like he once thought he could control the alcohol without cutting it out for good. He still looks fat and bloated and sweaty because he's putting obscene amounts of fat and salt and sugar into his body still.

That doesn't make me shallow, IMO. I care about his appearance because it speaks volumes. My husband doesn't look younger or skinnier like you guys say your AH's did. He looks less fat and bloated but still fat and bloated. "It grosses me out" is a gut reaction and that's good for me to listen to. I should have been listening to that a long time ago.

I don't live with my husband and even when I was he ate what he wanted when he wanted to. Your husband is at a much different place than mine is in his recovery. It's not because of me that's he's fat and bloated which is what you insinuated in your first sentence. It's not my fault and I cannot control his diet by any stretch.

I once met a girl at work.
She was Grace Kelly when I met her, when I got to know her, she was ugly and trampy.
My opinion of her changed as her personality was revealed.

I have often said to friends that looks as in what I find to be handsome, are important.
If I was having a rough couple of months with my husband and woke in the morning to a big ugly whale with a comb-over, that would be sad.
If I rolled over an see Viggo Mortensen, I might say I want to work at this!

It is a sign of love to actually try to keep up appearances for one's partner.

Disclaimer; Single all my life except a short disastrous relationship which defies ALL logic.:lmao

I understand you want to be attracted to this man. If he doesn't appeal to you, then he doesn't do it for you. That is an obstacle that I would wait to tackle. He is only a month into alcohol recovery and if he is eating more right now to not drink that might be a coping mechanism. I don't know what they say in AA about that, but an addict is an addict. If/when you guys are getting intimate again, I might mention it then but only after he is solid in his recovery. You might want to talk with your therapist about that and the gambling/spending too.

If he has a gambling problem too, that is a whole other layer for him to accept and deal with. Does he acknowledge gambling is a problem? Luckily I have not not been with a gambling addict, but my sister's long term exbf was one. A childhood friend's father was a secret one until he filed bankruptcy. He spent his entire inheritance, taken loans out and maxed out dozens of credit cards. The total debt came to over 7 million dollars. Everyone was shocked and no one had any idea.

After a few years down the road I would never seek to control any adult's diet or alcohol intake...or anything for that matter. We all have to make choices to take care of ourselves or not. Everyone has that right. In order for me to stay mentally healthy and not be a controlling B, i need to focus on taking care of me not another adult.

However, I do share a home with someone and I cook 99% of at home meals (he is a horrible cook and i love to cook so it works). I always ask for input, and he gives very little other than "I liked so and so." I tend to cook healthy food, but it is up to him on how much he eats and if he has meals/snacks following dinner. (He ate 3 times too much food and gained some weight last year, but he is now losing it on his own. Not with my help. I still cook the same, but he controls how much he eats and if there are after dinner extra meals.) He lifts weights and has for some time, but is now doing cardio to drop the lbs. I never said a word about it until he asked me if he looked fat and i said, "yes." he hemmed and hawed about it for a month or so and then took action on his own. again, i have nothing to do with it. his stuff entirely. i wasn't grossed out by him, but wasn't coming onto him either.

maybe journaling would help you to process all that is happening. i used to hate writing stuff out, but found it very helpful after my exA break up. i wrote stuff out everyday for a long time. it was therapeutic and helped me to see clearly what was going on and what i was thinking/ feeling about things.

I guess what I am hearing you say is that you have been remembering the old guy you fell in love with and, the "problem" was out of sight out of mind...then reality was sitting in your couch! Maybe a little denial...or maybe from your past posts, not knowing what to expect (from recovery)but at the same time having high expectations? Like Hammer said...slow down. Its a long road. Progress not perfection...

Ok, I took this more as a, "Wow, here's another thing I didn't notice that a month's distance + recovery have helped me to see more clearly about how bad things were/how much I was choosing to minimize the red flags" from Stung. I don't think she meant it in a malicious way toward her RAH's appearance... more like "I've got the blinders off now & am seeing things for what they really are."

Interestingly, while RAH definitely bloated up during his heaviest drinking he then dropped too much weight due to poor eating habits & what I think was an alcohol damaged GI tract just before/just after quitting. His appetite was terrible, his stomach always upset, and I don't even want to know about his troubles with his bowels except I know he had them.

(He was hospitalized about 6 weeks before getting sober for a sudden, intense intestinal issue..... a very expensive, eye opening experience with him acting like a ferocious madman in the ER, howling in pain & being so rude & offensive during the worst of his pain that I apologized to every. single. person. that had to deal with him that day. He only shut up once they started giving him injections of dilaudid, 4 of them in less than 24 hours. At the time I was perplexed - both at the mysterious pain AND why it took such a heavy duty dosage of pain killers to help.... with hindsight I think he was also feeling alcohol withdrawals in addition to the alcohol-induced medical issue.)

His damage came as much from the years of alcohol saturation as it did from the spinning-in-circles white knuckling he was doing.... staying sober but not working his program, continuing the lies, BS, etc. took a huge toll on his health. The stress was literally eating him from the inside out - he also developed eczema on his scalp, his hair thinned really quickly, he looks MUCH older, etc.

He is getting healthier now, finally, which is another "action" not words thing I am using as a marker of his efforts at recovery this time around.

Stung - the other layers of addiction add another difficult piece to this puzzle for you, IMO. Cross-addictions seem much more complicated to me.

Just a light joke - I have lost weight since my initial awakening to my husband's alcoholism/issues. Was never overweight but one of those always wanted to lose 10-15 pounds. One day looked at hubby's phone, saw cocaine (what?!), inappropriate conversations etc, heartbreak made me lose 15 pounds in 2 weeks (155 to 140 so a lot).
I joke with my girlfriend how I don't want to get too skinny as some-future new guy might expect me to stay that way. She says that you just need to hook them, then they'll remember you as the size/look of when they met you. Ha, probably true - you ignore a lot of physical flaws if in love/a good relationship.