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A Month Later...

Old 01-19-2014, 06:24 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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In reading this thread I can't help but think that you will never be pleased with him. If so it's ok, if not then maybe you could slow it down as per hammers response. You go off about how he's doing to much of this or not enough of that, the man barely has a foot into his sobriety and your already complaining of how he isn't good enough.

I completely agree the separation is a good thing right now, tho I suspect we have total different reasons.

Your right, personal appearances speak volumes, you know what's even louder? The effort your husband is putting in to maintain sobriety at this point. Heath Ledger, Cory Monteith, Amy Winehouse, Brittney Murphy, Jack Kerouac, John Bonham, Billy Holiday, Derek Boogaard, were all beautiful people. They are also dead. A good diet/exercise didn't save them but sobriety may have.

I hope things get better for you
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Old 01-19-2014, 10:45 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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PatientlyWaiting, thank you for your thoughts. They were both insightful and from a very different perspective. I do not care about my husband's efforts to this point because it's all words, no real actions - which is what his physical appearance testifies to. He could have been drunk last week and I wouldn't know, further, I don't need to know because he doesn't live here. Being sober is only a fraction of his battle. Discovering, understanding, accepting and healing the reason(s) for his addictions to have begun in the first place is what is important. He is slowly starting to discover what has been going on in his life and I am doing likewise and we're both very surprised at how similar we are.

Please also keep in mind, that I only come here for support - being that this is a support forum. The times when I need support and seek this place out are when things are difficult or confusing for me, i.e.: seeing my sick husband after weeks of being apart. If I came here to post when I was having a good day your judgements of me would probably be different. I don't come here when I'm happy or things are going well, as I don't need support at those times. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and I appreciate the support from people who are further along on this path than I am or those who can relate, and to those people on this forum I am exceeding thankful and grateful. I do not come here for someone to tell me that I'm shallow or that I should get a divorce because I was shocked at my husband's physical appearance after time apart. I can call my NPD mom if I want someone to tell me I'm mean or unsupportive or a bad wife. I don't need anyone here to do that, I already have that in spades in my life.

If you do not like my threads (I don't blame you, I'm not in a good place in my life at the moment, which is why I am on this forum to begin with) then I encourage you to either ignore me or pass over my threads. I'm not here to bring others down, I'm here looking for guidance and goodwill - which is generally generously offered to me here with very few exceptions.
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Old 01-19-2014, 11:40 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I think you could be looking at more than appearance when you say he grosses you out. At least it is how I feel at times. My husband could be considered attractive by other women even though he has a slight pudge and the ruddy looking face.

I don't really consider that shallow and I don't think it is what you meant. Again, this is my opinon. When you "said" that tho, I totally understood what you meant.

Just keep posting what you are thinking and feeling. After all, this place is what its all about.
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Old 01-20-2014, 06:34 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Hi Stung;

I can relate really well to the signs the booze leaves on the body.
When I was drinking I was so bloated and blotchy I couldn't stand the sight of myself in the mirror, let alone wanting someone else to see it.

Now my spouse (whom I still live with) still has that alcohol bloat going but it isn't as bad as mine was.
His is also triggered by dietary things, but the drinking is clearly writ on his face since it affects his sleep and he has a haggard look after he drinks a lot.
He tends to eat what he shouldn't and too much of it while drinking too, so that has in turn contributed to his weight gain.
This is all putting up his blood pressure and I'm pretty upset about it all to tell the truth.

His clothing doesn't fit, he has low self-esteem as a result, and he has to struggle and strain to do everything.
He is not at his most attractive right now, and though I do love him, I can't just "look past" what he is doing to himself because it also hurts me.
I don't care if he looks like Brad Pitt, but he is always so careful to trim his beard and hair and keep his nails cut and clean.
But the big issues--the bloating, the bags under his eyes, the poor diet--are very much linked to the alcohol.

It really bothers me that he doesn't take active steps to care for himself.
So I send you a big hug. Seeing this on him after 19 years together brings home the long road we've both been on.
I am on the path to finding myself again, and it hurts that he doesn't seem to want to find himself right now. His body is saying this as clearly as words to me.
Maybe the same is happening to you--you see what was, and what is, and most likely where it is going. That can't be easy.
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Old 01-20-2014, 07:26 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Attraction with my STBXAH was such a mind****. While I can see why I was attracted to him once, the total loss of respect and his lack of respect for me turns my stomach. I can objectively look at him and have a pretty good idea if he's on or off the wagon (he will be clear-eyed and he loses the yellow/ruddy effects on his skin) but his abusive, manipulative behavior, and his inability to get his life in order despite having every available tool in the world at his fingertips, are so disappointing that my attraction to him is zero. He's been trying to pretend that he's been sober for the last nine months, and the constant lying makes me want to turn my back on him. I can't because we're supposed to be coparenting. So.

As far as the bloat goes, a lot of people swap addictions, one for another. If he's swapping between food, booze, and gambling, you have enough of an idea where he's at mentally and emotionally to maintain your distance. This is not a well man. No wonder you are turned off by his appearance and behavior.

It's healthy NOT to be attracted to dysfunction. In our search for compassion, us codies forget that red flags aren't party favors.
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Old 01-20-2014, 07:55 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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So Stung, I enjoy your threads.

I gotta say I like you. And I like you on here. You suit up, show up, get your butt beat up a bit, and come back for more.

I admire that.

Sooner or later you going you are going to start working on YOU, right?

Otherwise you are likely to get a bad case of Emotional Bloat Ass -- then you cannot fit in your jogging suit and show up. The Emotional Bloat Ass can be some rough stuff. Makes us bitter, other folks get sick of our crap. Even can get rough to be good with the kids.

And like sitting at the track, *we* do not get better while talking smack about how much lard-bloat somebody else has gotten on their ass. So I am going get back to working on me.

I am slow. Very slow. But I think I may just lap you on this. Just saying.

Go, Girl.
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Old 01-20-2014, 08:22 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Yes, my AH has definitely gained weight since cutting way back. I agree, I think it is more like Stung just saying she has taken the blinders off and can actually see what it is doing to him.

Stung...I know you had anxiety about how the visit would go. I am really glad things went better than you expected. Hope your little one is feeling better!
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Old 01-20-2014, 08:37 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Hammer, hahaha. You do realize that I only separated from my husband slightly more than a month ago, right? Although I talked about RAH, I fully intended my post to be about myself. Then I think I ruffled feathers by saying he was fat and that I don't like that he's fat and then that subsequently became the focus of my post.

What I was trying to say was, "whoa!!! I forgot how awful he looks and how much damage he has caused to himself and it shocked the hell out of me! We have both been being very pleasant to one another on the phone which made me romanticize our relationship at this point. Seeing him was the kick in the ass, reality check that I needed."

Instead I think a few people saw "my husband is such a disgusting fat ass. Oh my god his bloated FAT FAT FAT body makes me nauseated. Yuck. Fat people are ugly and bad."

My husband is a good looking guy when he's HEALTHY but he's not healthy right now, not at all. The majority of our relationship he has been physically healthy, and more importantly he was fun and kind and witty. He has been returning to funny and kind on the phone so in my mind's eye I haven't been associating him with being still sick physically. Reality check has been received and heard loud and clear. That's all I was trying to say and I feel like a lot of people actually understood my intended complaint/rant/update/realization.

And dude, I am working on myself. Cut me some slack. Did you see that last Thursday that I realized that my mom was NPD and that's probably why I've surrounded myself with people that are letting me down. I no longer think "why is this happening to me?!" but "okay, why do I feel like this, I know I need to stop." That's a big deal for me!
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Old 01-20-2014, 08:47 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Thanks Hopeful4. I was so worried that it was going to be a power struggle but it was very friendly and easy. I stayed out of the way but made sure that the girls weren't being overwhled, especially since our toddler is sick. It was nice to have some alone time during the day too. Next weekend I have big plans to go grocery shopping by myself while he's here.
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Old 01-20-2014, 08:51 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Stung---I get exactly what you mean. I can see where your husband's physical condition "shocked" you back to actual reality (from your romanticizing and minimizing".

I do see the considerable progress that you have made recently.

Keep it up.

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Old 01-20-2014, 09:00 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I know what you mean too, Stung. Everything down to how the visitation is being done to his appearance...I understand. I have been there. Don't feel defensive. This is a place where we are supposed to be able to say that kind of stuff and not get backlash for it. Some people on these boards are hyper sensitive to that, as if you are insulting them personally. I wouldn't worry about it!
Good job, it sounds like you are doing the best you can under the circumstances.
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Old 01-20-2014, 09:06 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Stung...I am wondering how the visit went with your mom?
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Old 01-20-2014, 09:13 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Hi Stung,

I get so much from reading your posts. They are honest, thorough, and detailed. I think you're very brave to put it all out there the way you do, so thank you!

I might feel the same way when you said you were grossed out by your husband's appearance. It's a gut reaction to a physical manifestation of all that is wrong in your marriage. It does not imply shallowness, or lack of compassion. You've been through a lot, and you're both just beginning recovery. It's ok to feel what you feel and just let it be. Of course all of this is just my humble opinion.

So please keep posting, you have my support and sympathetic ear.

Hugs!
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Old 01-20-2014, 09:23 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Hopeful4, it was okay. She still thinks my life is in shambles and that she is my hero swooping in to save the day. She said "good thing I'm here," repeatedly. "Good thing grandma is here to do things the right way." Ugh.

She wasn't flat out malicious, it was all of those little remarks that are said with the pretense of being nice but it reality it's a whole lot of back handed comments. But my toddler loves her and had fun with her.

My mom wants to come back out in a month, I agreed because I'm trying to not create anymore problems with people than I already have. I think my relationship with her is much more challenging than anything I have going on with RAH.
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Old 01-20-2014, 09:37 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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See it as progress. You have recognized her behavior. You have named why she has the behavior she has. You have the ability to know she is QUACKING away. It is good she is good to your children.

Now all you have left is dealing with it. So she comes once a month. I always try to see things in short bouts as, "I can do anything for five hours, or one day out of 30 or whatever." This helps me see that while it seems to take forever at that moment, it is really just a short amount of time. Negative family I try to see as the same as my work. I work with customer service. There will be those I really like, and those that stink and I cannot stand. I still have to deal with them and not let them get to me, that is the right thing to do. Maybe you can see your mom as your customer that you have to deal with, not take personal, and move on from!

You are doing great Stung!!!!
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Old 01-20-2014, 09:52 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Thank you. Now I'll have the whole week without RAH around and about a month until I need to deal with my mom again. Time to focus on myself and our girls.
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Old 01-20-2014, 10:13 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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With my STBXAH, especially during the early time when I had the baby and was missing him and wishing I had a partner, I really had to detach from all his promises. He knew exactly what to say to pull on my heartstrings -- and I'm sure he meant at least some of it. Whether he was manipulating me or just speaking from a place of hope, he was not able to deliver on those promises. What made the difference for me was untangling my well-being from his, including financial, and measuring his words against his actions. Whenever I started to get wistful about us reconciling, some new fact would smack me in the face. He would be Mr. Affable and then when we reached deeper subjects, if I disagreed with him on some point he'd turn around and snap at me like a caged animal. I'd think, nope! No changes there. Can't live like that.

I always try to see things in short bouts as, "I can do anything for five hours, or one day out of 30 or whatever." This helps me see that while it seems to take forever at that moment, it is really just a short amount of time. Negative family I try to see as the same as my work. I work with customer service. There will be those I really like, and those that stink and I cannot stand. I still have to deal with them and not let them get to me, that is the right thing to do. Maybe you can see your mom as your customer that you have to deal with, not take personal, and move on from!
Ditto! It's okay to experience temporary discomfort to reach a long term goal.
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Old 01-20-2014, 10:45 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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I don't want to untangle everything yet (although I probably should but that sounds really difficult,) but I think I need to do a better job of distancing myself or taking his words with a very large grain of salt.
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