Thank you, state of California (not!)
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It's f**king crazy-making. Infuriating. Makes smoke come out of my ears infuriating.
I'd go with the attorney's advice on the custody thing. And make sure the kids have strict instructions to not get into the car with Dad if he has been driving and make sure they have an emergency plan.
And then move the hell out of that godforsaken state.
I'd go with the attorney's advice on the custody thing. And make sure the kids have strict instructions to not get into the car with Dad if he has been driving and make sure they have an emergency plan.
And then move the hell out of that godforsaken state.
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Moving out of state wouldn't help because the ADA is federal. Plus our life, my source of income, and many family/friend supports are here.
Lilamy, the hard thing is that XAH never looks like he's been drinking, so it's hard even for me to tell for sure if he's intoxicated. Harder still for the kids, but as they are now 13 and 16, I am going to have to trust that they will be able to handle it during the 30% time they are with him, without the assurance of Soberlink.
Lilamy, the hard thing is that XAH never looks like he's been drinking, so it's hard even for me to tell for sure if he's intoxicated. Harder still for the kids, but as they are now 13 and 16, I am going to have to trust that they will be able to handle it during the 30% time they are with him, without the assurance of Soberlink.
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Originally Posted by Florence 
!!!
I'm sure you've explored this, but it seems like there would be a process in place to legally untangle yourself from him professionally, personally, and financially. Like, buy him out of his share of the business, or put him in a position where you no longer have direct control over his work. Then, divorce him. I have no idea, I'm not a lawyer. Good luck!
I'm sure you've explored this, but it seems like there would be a process in place to legally untangle yourself from him professionally, personally, and financially. Like, buy him out of his share of the business, or put him in a position where you no longer have direct control over his work. Then, divorce him. I have no idea, I'm not a lawyer. Good luck!
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Moving out of state wouldn't help because the ADA is federal.
Is it the ADA or the state of CA that defines alcoholism as a disability? Because disease/disability shouldn't be the same thing...
OK -- it is the ADA... but I don't think it's been used that way in other states (at least I haven't heard of it)?
Either way... my heart just sank when I read your post. It's like... ffs, haven't a person suffered enough? Now you're supposed to choose between protecting your children and paying his bar tab???
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Originally Posted by lillamy
Now you're supposed to choose between protecting your children and paying his bar tab???
And who knows about how state versus federal law is woven together. As one attorney brightly quipped, "This is real precedent-setting stuff here!" (It was hard not to shove my pen down his expensive throat).
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Sorry. 
Just to clarify -- what I meant was pretty much what your attorney (the one with the pen shoved down his expensive throat) said: I haven't seen the ADA used that way in divorce cases in any other states. That's what I meant, not that the ADA doesn't apply in CA.
And that whole application is effing worth talking to your state legislators about. It's absolutely preposterous.
Just to clarify -- what I meant was pretty much what your attorney (the one with the pen shoved down his expensive throat) said: I haven't seen the ADA used that way in divorce cases in any other states. That's what I meant, not that the ADA doesn't apply in CA.
And that whole application is effing worth talking to your state legislators about. It's absolutely preposterous.
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SoaringSpirits,
So sorry you are dealing with this! I'm in California also, it seems to me that my financial issues have been kept very separate from the drinking/kid custody issues. My XAH will be going out on a unrelated medical retirement at the end of the month. So he will be continued to be paid even though he is not working so I guess this is a non-issue for me, not sure of the new amount but nothing I can do about it....
Does you ex show signs he is going to go downhill fast and not be working soon? Isn't this the same issue as if he got hit by a bus and was paralyzed or got cancer? As his employer, if the federal government recognizes alcoholism as a disease, if he was no longer able to work because of it, wouldn't he get disability/unemployment payments just like he was sick or injured?
It sounds like he has the kids at least part time now. Does he pay you child support or do you pay him? Are you concerned about losing that or having to pay him alimony? Just trying to get a clear idea of your full concern.
It is an horrible concern. My X was hospitalized for four days about a year ago. I was terrified he would die and I would no longer get the child support. Sounds harsh, but it was my reality. I was fearful of this for a long time afterward. One day I woke up and decided not to worry about things out of my control anymore. Without trying to offend you, I am just wondering if you are overthinking this and worrying about things that have not happened yet and really will be out of your control..... Keeping the kids safe now while they are with him is something you can do.
Oh and believe me, I understand the obsessing about the finances. This is the only issue that can still my me want to puke because the stress of hashing it out.
Sending you good vibes during a stressful time,
4MyBoys
So sorry you are dealing with this! I'm in California also, it seems to me that my financial issues have been kept very separate from the drinking/kid custody issues. My XAH will be going out on a unrelated medical retirement at the end of the month. So he will be continued to be paid even though he is not working so I guess this is a non-issue for me, not sure of the new amount but nothing I can do about it....
Does you ex show signs he is going to go downhill fast and not be working soon? Isn't this the same issue as if he got hit by a bus and was paralyzed or got cancer? As his employer, if the federal government recognizes alcoholism as a disease, if he was no longer able to work because of it, wouldn't he get disability/unemployment payments just like he was sick or injured?
It sounds like he has the kids at least part time now. Does he pay you child support or do you pay him? Are you concerned about losing that or having to pay him alimony? Just trying to get a clear idea of your full concern.
It is an horrible concern. My X was hospitalized for four days about a year ago. I was terrified he would die and I would no longer get the child support. Sounds harsh, but it was my reality. I was fearful of this for a long time afterward. One day I woke up and decided not to worry about things out of my control anymore. Without trying to offend you, I am just wondering if you are overthinking this and worrying about things that have not happened yet and really will be out of your control..... Keeping the kids safe now while they are with him is something you can do.
Oh and believe me, I understand the obsessing about the finances. This is the only issue that can still my me want to puke because the stress of hashing it out.
Sending you good vibes during a stressful time,
4MyBoys
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>>>Does you ex show signs he is going to go downhill fast and not be working soon? Isn't this the same issue as if he got hit by a bus and was paralyzed or got cancer? As his employer, if the federal government recognizes alcoholism as a disease, if he was no longer able to work because of it, wouldn't he get disability/unemployment payments just like he was sick or injured? <<<<
Yes and no. I don't trust him. He has gone from functioning to not back to functioning again. He's high functioning now but who knows in a year or two. He is self employed so disability is not in place. His support if he couldn't work would come from me.
>>>It sounds like he has the kids at least part time now. Does he pay you child support or do you pay him? Are you concerned about losing that or having to pay him alimony? Just trying to get a clear idea of your full concern.<<<>
I have them 70/ he has 30. He is not paying child support yet. I am prepared to waive child support to try to keep kids with me 70%. Not going to push hard for support, but I do worry about covering all of these expenses.
>>>>One day I woke up and decided not to worry about things out of my control anymore. Without trying to offend you, I am just wondering if you are overthinking this and worrying about things that have not happened yet and really will be out of your control..... Keeping the kids safe now while they are with him is something you can do. <<<
Yes, I'm probably overthinking. But for reasons I won't go into here, I think if I don't get it set up now it will come back to haunt me.
That said, your point is well taken. Touche'
I'm really trying to let a lot go. Going to alanon, reading, all that. It helps a lot. Money I can do without, but the safety (both physical and emotional) of my kids is my number one priority. I'm also trying to do self care by trying to ensure I don't have to worry about having to support my xah if things go south. I can do without that worry.
Thanks to all of you for your comments and support.
Yes and no. I don't trust him. He has gone from functioning to not back to functioning again. He's high functioning now but who knows in a year or two. He is self employed so disability is not in place. His support if he couldn't work would come from me.
>>>It sounds like he has the kids at least part time now. Does he pay you child support or do you pay him? Are you concerned about losing that or having to pay him alimony? Just trying to get a clear idea of your full concern.<<<>
I have them 70/ he has 30. He is not paying child support yet. I am prepared to waive child support to try to keep kids with me 70%. Not going to push hard for support, but I do worry about covering all of these expenses.
>>>>One day I woke up and decided not to worry about things out of my control anymore. Without trying to offend you, I am just wondering if you are overthinking this and worrying about things that have not happened yet and really will be out of your control..... Keeping the kids safe now while they are with him is something you can do. <<<
Yes, I'm probably overthinking. But for reasons I won't go into here, I think if I don't get it set up now it will come back to haunt me.
That said, your point is well taken. Touche'
I'm really trying to let a lot go. Going to alanon, reading, all that. It helps a lot. Money I can do without, but the safety (both physical and emotional) of my kids is my number one priority. I'm also trying to do self care by trying to ensure I don't have to worry about having to support my xah if things go south. I can do without that worry.
Thanks to all of you for your comments and support.
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