I don't understand .....

Old 01-18-2014, 04:08 AM
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I don't understand .....

Hey guys,

Well, it's safe to say I'm confused. Things have been pretty quiet lately, in that SD's mum completed her 6 weeks in rehab and came out on 2nd January. She contacted SD whilst in rehab on Christmas Day and New Years Day. Since she came out, SD hasn't heard anything from her at all. It's SD's birthday today, and so far she hasn't heard from her mum. The post has been, and she hasn't sent a card either.

Now, what I don't understand is how, if she is sober (although we are beginning to question that) she can forget her own child's birthday? What's that about? We appreciate that if she is sober it must be a daily struggle, but with the help of her sponsor would she not be being encouraged to make amends with those she's hurt, most of all her daughter?

SD isn't actually bothered, which is good, but sad too. Has the booze claimed her again? Do we care? No, not really, but it does hurt my husband and I that she hasn't even bothered to get in touch with her daughter on her birthday.
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Old 01-18-2014, 04:34 AM
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I hate to jump to conclusions and I wont however is she is not present ant her daughters bday it is questionable. Making amends is way later in the recovery process. Step 9 I believe. It takes some people over a year to get there. I know for me when I was at 5 months I was only on step 7, and I still found myself on step 1-4 often.
Most of my amends have actually happened throughout the steps. I rebuilt many of the relationships I had destroyed With my family and friends.
I hope everything works out for you.
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Old 01-18-2014, 05:25 AM
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I think not acknowledging her daughter's birthday, by way of text, phone call or card, is awful!! The last people you expect to forget your birthday are your parents. I'm not familiar with the steps and making amends, but would imagine that at the very least, since she's been out of rehab she could have at least sent one or two texts to her daughter, especially today. But, nothing, nothing at all. I'm afraid I don't see that there is any excuse whatsoever (apart from death) for forgetting your child's birthday.
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Old 01-18-2014, 06:09 AM
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It is not right but you have no control of her. Acknowledge her pain that the birthday was missed by her mother and then do your best to celebrate with her! Make it an extra special one! Every birthday is so special and should be celebrated!

We cannot try to figure the mind of an alcoholic because we are not the A.

So many times I would try to apply logic or reason to my separated AH's behavior and truth is...there is just no rationale for the bad behavior. I've gone nuts trying to figure him out and in the end, I never will. Unfortunately, we are the ones left to deal with the immediate pain they cause, especially to their children.
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Old 01-18-2014, 10:58 AM
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Personally, if the daughter says she is not bothered by the forgetting of her birthday, I'd leave it at that.

It is pretty crappy in my mind too but at the same time I recall reading somewhere that people who grow up in dysfunction put a lot of emphasis on special events such as birthdays and Xmas as they've missed out on so many or had so many wrecked so in context this birthday is one of many the daughter will have.
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Old 01-18-2014, 11:12 AM
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My mother never remembers my birthday, and my father was the A - she was the codie!! And it is awful, you're right!

Who knows why your SDs mum forgot, alcohol is just a mask and a drug for the problems the A has -so is codependency a mask and a "drug" for the codie. When you take away the alcohol or the codie behavior it's not always some really super awesome person left standing there! Not always the person we would expect.

As adults we can train ourselves not to have expectations - but for children it is just in their nature to expect things. In a quiet moment maybe reassure her that no its not normal for a mum to forget a birthday, and as hard as it is to believe - it is not her (SD) fault, her mum is just dysfunctional!! Hearing that rational true explanation over and over will help her see it is not her fault (it's so easy to feel unloved when slighted like that as a kid.)

Your SD is very lucky to have some stability and loving people to give her a birthday celebration. People to show her daily that she is loveable and important! Don't waste a minute of your time trying to figure out WHY an A (yes, even an A fresh out of rehab!) behaves the way they do. You'll drive yourself cuckoo. Use that energy for something else!!

Happy Bday to SD! 7

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Old 01-18-2014, 02:46 PM
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Thanks guys, I am feeling calmer now, mainly because SD has had a lovely day and has spent the evening at the cinema with her boyfriend and her best friends. She now has her friend for a sleepover and is giggling away just like she should be, particularly on her birthday. It just made me feel really emotional because I cannot imagine, not for even a nanosecond, forgetting my kids birthdays. Actually, I'm pretty sure she can't have forgotten, surely, and it's more a case of she couldn't be bothered, which is worse in some ways ... damn it, no more time wasted on that waste of space pathetic excuse for a 'mother'. SD tells me I am more of a mother to her than she ever was and ever could be, and I take that role with great pride and enormous love for the beautiful girl I have been blessed with and am privileged to live with
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Old 01-20-2014, 03:31 PM
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Well SD got a card today in the post from her mother. It just said happy birthday & that was it. It was posted on Saturday, the day of SD's birthday, and because SD didnt hear from her mum on her birthday, or yesterday, she believes it was kind of an afterthought, in that mum suddenly realised what the date was and posted a card, rather than remembering to send a card to arrive in time. She ripped it up and threw it in the bin. Which is sad.

But, secondary to all of that, we're having problems with my husbands mother. Long story short is over the years she has been close to SD's mum, protected her when she neglected SD & refused to help us get SD out of there, even though she knew she was being treated badly. We have never understood why she stood by an unrelated A to the detriment of her granddaughter. Anyway, she has remained in contact with SD's mum even after SD came to live with us, & visited her in rehab. SD hasn't liked it, and after she found out her nan had gone to see her mother in rehab she got really upset & felt betrayed by her nan. My husband told his mother that SD was upset, & his mum reluctantly agreed not tp.see her again & sent SD a text promising she wouldnt. The day SD's mum came out of rehab, my MIL contacted her, well she actually, accidentally called SD's phone by mistake and when SD answered she said "hello B". SD said "this isnt B" & hung up on her. Boy was she mad, seething with rage, and of course my husband called his mother to find out what the hellwas going on. She got all defensive & upset & said she was going to drop SD!!!! Anyway, we were shocked but left things for a,while, but did email her trying to explain why SD was so upset. She now says thar she feels,like shes being told what to do by her granddaughter & she feels like a naughty child. She just doesnt get that her loyalty should lie with her granddaughter!!

We're not going to bother with her for a while as its just too stressful.

Any words of wisdom appreciated xx
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Old 01-20-2014, 03:54 PM
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This all sounds like a good opportunity for your SD to learn that other people cannot be controlled. As much as we think we know what they should or shouldn't do, or what is and is not best for them, everyone has to learn things at their own pace. The only thing we can do is set our own boundaries for what we will and will not tolerate, and lower our expectations of others who are not in a place to be all that they can be. It is unfortunate and sad that her mother and grandmother cannot seem to prioritize her feelings; I am certainly relieved that she has you and your husband around and can be confident she is loved and cared for. in the long run, whether her mother stays sober or your husband's mother ever comes around, your love and care will make all of the difference.
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