Name Change
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Name Change
I asked the administrators to change my name from liloleme to Radiant and here is why:
I had a conversation with my husband unlike one I have ever had before. I learned more in that one conversation than any of our talks, lectures, explaining my reasoning, crying and ultimatums.
You see I learned from my husband not what he said but what he didn't say or do. As I listened to all his reasons as to why he didn't feel he was an alcoholic and wouldn't promise to stop. I listened to his definition of an alcoholic according to him. I listened as he was slurring every word. I listened to his tone of voice as he it raised and lowered it. I tried to reach his heart and explain what my needs and wants were (completely expecting nothing in return) Again, I listened to what he wasn't saying in return or doing. I told him I wasn't mad at him I was mad at alcoholism. I ended the conversation explaining I didn't want him to come. I didn't want the dogs to get excited and then I had to calm them down when he left. An overwhelming feeling came over me a feeling of relief and happiness. I didn't see him last night and I was proud of myself. I was mentally exhausted after 2 hours of talking to him over the phone. I dropped off the check with a mutual person this morning and continued on my day.
I emotionally ended my marriage last night not in anger not in spite but in the realization that I tried all I could and it was ok for me to go forward in MY life.
I had a conversation with my husband unlike one I have ever had before. I learned more in that one conversation than any of our talks, lectures, explaining my reasoning, crying and ultimatums.
You see I learned from my husband not what he said but what he didn't say or do. As I listened to all his reasons as to why he didn't feel he was an alcoholic and wouldn't promise to stop. I listened to his definition of an alcoholic according to him. I listened as he was slurring every word. I listened to his tone of voice as he it raised and lowered it. I tried to reach his heart and explain what my needs and wants were (completely expecting nothing in return) Again, I listened to what he wasn't saying in return or doing. I told him I wasn't mad at him I was mad at alcoholism. I ended the conversation explaining I didn't want him to come. I didn't want the dogs to get excited and then I had to calm them down when he left. An overwhelming feeling came over me a feeling of relief and happiness. I didn't see him last night and I was proud of myself. I was mentally exhausted after 2 hours of talking to him over the phone. I dropped off the check with a mutual person this morning and continued on my day.
I emotionally ended my marriage last night not in anger not in spite but in the realization that I tried all I could and it was ok for me to go forward in MY life.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by Radiant 
I emotionally ended my marriage last night not in anger not in spite but in the realization that I tried all I could and it was ok for me to go forward in MY life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
You are amazing!
I think you did a great job accepting your
husband for who he is and for doing what you
needed to do to honor yourself....
It's so hard, there are still times that I have the dance with anger and
compassion, but in the long run, having
compassion is a much healthier place
to be and doesn't hurt our loved ones who are
still struggling with their disease....
Btw, I love the name change...
I hope you continue to wear it well!
All the best,
Linda
I think you did a great job accepting your
husband for who he is and for doing what you
needed to do to honor yourself....
It's so hard, there are still times that I have the dance with anger and
compassion, but in the long run, having
compassion is a much healthier place
to be and doesn't hurt our loved ones who are
still struggling with their disease....
Btw, I love the name change...
I hope you continue to wear it well!
All the best,
Linda
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Thank you everyone -As we were talking I told him how sad it would be that we would be divorcing over alcoholism and be another statistic or he could start at the bottom and educate himself on the effects of alcoholism (not asking to quit but to educate himself, I went this route b/c he has to want to quit on his own)
Nothing but silence came from him. In the past I would of thought AWWW I must of said something that got to him yea me maybe my words triggered something in him and he wants to change . WRONG Alcoholics/druggies just can't think of a come back or he was in his truck trying to open a beer.
It's amazing what is actually not said when you listen.
Nothing but silence came from him. In the past I would of thought AWWW I must of said something that got to him yea me maybe my words triggered something in him and he wants to change . WRONG Alcoholics/druggies just can't think of a come back or he was in his truck trying to open a beer.
It's amazing what is actually not said when you listen.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Radiant
Thank you everyone -As we were talking I told him how sad it would be that we would be divorcing over alcoholism and be another statistic or he could start at the bottom and educate himself on the effects of alcoholism (not asking to quit but to educate himself, I went this route b/c he has to want to quit on his own)
Nothing but silence came from him. In the past I would of thought AWWW I must of said something that got to him yea me maybe my words triggered something in him and he wants to change . WRONG Alcoholics/druggies just can't think of a come back or he was in his truck trying to open a beer.
It's amazing what is actually not said when you listen.
Nothing but silence came from him. In the past I would of thought AWWW I must of said something that got to him yea me maybe my words triggered something in him and he wants to change . WRONG Alcoholics/druggies just can't think of a come back or he was in his truck trying to open a beer.
It's amazing what is actually not said when you listen.
And, you are right....it IS amazing what is actually not said when you listen....
I'm really sorry that you're losing him to alcoholism...
It's so sad....
But, at least you're strong enough to know that none of this is about you and that you're moving forward with your own life....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Diva76
Maybe he stayed silent because he knows deep down inside you're right about him.....
And, you are right....it IS amazing what is actually not said when you listen....
I'm really sorry that you're losing him to alcoholism...
It's so sad....
But, at least you're strong enough to know that none of this is about you and that you're moving forward with your own life....
And, you are right....it IS amazing what is actually not said when you listen....
I'm really sorry that you're losing him to alcoholism...
It's so sad....
But, at least you're strong enough to know that none of this is about you and that you're moving forward with your own life....
He told me he believes what I am saying and it's probably true but he still isn't going to stop because he likes it and that is who he is and doesn't want anybody to try to make him be someone he isn't.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Carlotta
Beautiful name. May it shines on this new phase of your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Radiant
"Maybe he stayed silent because he knows deep down inside you're right about him....."
He told me he believes what I am saying and it's probably true but he still isn't going to stop because he likes it and that is who he is and doesn't want anybody to try to make him be someone he isn't.
He told me he believes what I am saying and it's probably true but he still isn't going to stop because he likes it and that is who he is and doesn't want anybody to try to make him be someone he isn't.
I remember hearing something very similar from one of the guys I used to date...
What's so sad about all of this is...
I bet he has no idea what he's throwing away by letting you go....
If he doesn't regret it already, I'm sure he will someday....
What a d--n shame....
I'm glad you're managing although it must still be very difficult for you....
Sigh...
I hate this disease;(
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