Open meetings.....to go or not to go ?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Open meetings.....to go or not to go ?
My RABF(partner?fiance?)him! has been at AA every day for about six weeks now (not that I'm counting 
) and I attend AlAnon meetings at least weekly.
At first I was absolutely determined his recovery was his business but more and more I find we are embroiled in recovery related conversations. For example last night he mentioned he was struggling with handing things over to a higher power when he really didn't have a higher power.. I told him I had posted here about "finding" a higher power and got some great book recommendations. I would never say "you have to read this" and hold something under his nose but we have always talked everything to death, even when he was at his worse and it just feels weird to avoid certain subjects. Do you guys think conversations like this are "crossing the street" if I don't purposely initiate them and have no agenda behind them ? We at one point discussed fate, karma, whatever you want to call it, as a higher power I've been thinking about that today and I'd be interested in opinions.
At one point last night he said " you know my AA meetings are open you can come to one if you want" I told him I would think about it. The nosy part of me would enjoy that but right now I feel like we are both doing quite well and I don't want to rock a boat that's sailing on smooth waters.......nor do I want to overthink it. What do you think ?
) and I attend AlAnon meetings at least weekly.At first I was absolutely determined his recovery was his business but more and more I find we are embroiled in recovery related conversations. For example last night he mentioned he was struggling with handing things over to a higher power when he really didn't have a higher power.. I told him I had posted here about "finding" a higher power and got some great book recommendations. I would never say "you have to read this" and hold something under his nose but we have always talked everything to death, even when he was at his worse and it just feels weird to avoid certain subjects. Do you guys think conversations like this are "crossing the street" if I don't purposely initiate them and have no agenda behind them ? We at one point discussed fate, karma, whatever you want to call it, as a higher power I've been thinking about that today and I'd be interested in opinions.
At one point last night he said " you know my AA meetings are open you can come to one if you want" I told him I would think about it. The nosy part of me would enjoy that but right now I feel like we are both doing quite well and I don't want to rock a boat that's sailing on smooth waters.......nor do I want to overthink it. What do you think ?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Can tell you this.
WHEN/IF I am "messing" in HERS . . . I AM NOT working on MINE.
Boundaries. Beautiful Things.
-------------------------
But as far as Open AA Meetings. Beautiful Things, as well.
My Inner-Jackass Uses Open AA to "Compare" what Good A's are doing and "My Little A" is not doing (that is not good).
The better parts of my Heart and Mind enjoys Open AA to see How Things Work, To Know that BETTER does Exist, and learn to be helpful and kind to Mrs. Hammer.
The Cards get dealt either way. How we play them is up to us.
----------------
Years and Years ago, I used to enjoy going to AA meetings with her.
That was before the Relapse.
Happy Times, then.
Over all from what you are saying, I would say Go Enjoy, but only some.
Let HIS stuff remain HIS. Suggest a Sunday Morning one for the HP stuff. Those are sort of their Church Day, as near as I can tell. Usually 3rd Step.
Learn and Love Much.
WHEN/IF I am "messing" in HERS . . . I AM NOT working on MINE.
Boundaries. Beautiful Things.
-------------------------
But as far as Open AA Meetings. Beautiful Things, as well.
My Inner-Jackass Uses Open AA to "Compare" what Good A's are doing and "My Little A" is not doing (that is not good).
The better parts of my Heart and Mind enjoys Open AA to see How Things Work, To Know that BETTER does Exist, and learn to be helpful and kind to Mrs. Hammer.
The Cards get dealt either way. How we play them is up to us.
----------------
Years and Years ago, I used to enjoy going to AA meetings with her.
That was before the Relapse.
Happy Times, then.
Over all from what you are saying, I would say Go Enjoy, but only some.
Let HIS stuff remain HIS. Suggest a Sunday Morning one for the HP stuff. Those are sort of their Church Day, as near as I can tell. Usually 3rd Step.
Learn and Love Much.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I think I would go with RAH to an open meeting like that if there was a specific reason - a special topic we are addressing between us or a special speaker or a sobriety anniversary for him or something. If I have a curiosity about how the meetings work, etc. then I would think about attending an open mtg by myself (not with RAH) to get familiar with the program or to just listen & learn.
For us - it's not a place to be a "couple", it's his sanctuary in many ways & I don't want to taint that resource for him.
For us - it's not a place to be a "couple", it's his sanctuary in many ways & I don't want to taint that resource for him.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
For me I would never do that (go to a meeting with my qualifier), regardless of whether my XRAH and I were still married or not - his recovery is his and he doesn't need me there.....my therapist told me that when they recover (especially early recovery) they often extra lean on the significant other creating sort of what the codependent part of the significant other wants (or still unconsciously wants)....so it can be a set up for a journey back into the codependent relationship...he also told me that no way I am his sponsor. If my XRAH wants to discuss issues regarding his HP or whatnot he should talk to his sponsor or a fellow AA member....but not me....that wouldn't be healthy for me or him.
Just my opinion - take what you want and leave the rest.
PS - I'm not saying I wouldn't go to open meetings - I've been to a lot of double winner meetings...what I'm saying is I wouldn't go WITH my qualifier - I go to those meetings for me and my recovery not his.
Just my opinion - take what you want and leave the rest.
PS - I'm not saying I wouldn't go to open meetings - I've been to a lot of double winner meetings...what I'm saying is I wouldn't go WITH my qualifier - I go to those meetings for me and my recovery not his.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I think if a conversation leads naturally to a certain topic, then don't be afraid to talk about it. If you feel like he's asking for your advice, you can gently suggest that it would probably be better for him to talk with his Sponsor about it. But if it's a general issue, like having a HP, I think it was perfectly fine to discuss what you've learned about that. You told him about resources, you didn't tell him he "should" do something.
I think open AA meetings are helpful in general to us AlAnon folks. I went with my RABF to an open meeting, only because he was getting his 1 year chip. I wouldn't go to his meetings as a norm, his meetings are for him. So I go to another open AA meeting when I want to. It has helped me to find some compassion to be truthful.
I think open AA meetings are helpful in general to us AlAnon folks. I went with my RABF to an open meeting, only because he was getting his 1 year chip. I wouldn't go to his meetings as a norm, his meetings are for him. So I go to another open AA meeting when I want to. It has helped me to find some compassion to be truthful.
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I gained a lot from going to open meetings.
I never went with a qualifier...I was going for my own learning and edification.
I learned so much about what recovery looks like....that was really important to me.
I think I would be doing a codedpendant dance if I went with someone who I was in relationship with....that is kind of tempting for me.
I never went with a qualifier...I was going for my own learning and edification.
I learned so much about what recovery looks like....that was really important to me.
I think I would be doing a codedpendant dance if I went with someone who I was in relationship with....that is kind of tempting for me.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 317
6 weeks is about halfway to 90 days. I mention that because I remember that after the "pink cloud" disappeared, the 90 day mark was pretty tense for both my wife and I. We soldiered on.
But before 90 days had even passed, we'd both attended a "round-up," basically a camp-out for AA'ers and their spouses. The campground attendant said he really liked the AA crowd. They're very quiet at night, and much easier to clean up after. At the round-up I went to a couple of AA meetings with my wife, and she went to a couple of Al-Anon meetings with me. We both got the opportunity to listen to some pretty awesome AA & Al-Anon speakers. Some of the things they shared about their recovery, I still find useful today.
Over the past couple of years, we've been to several "speakers meetings." Some run by Al-Anon, some by AA...there is often food and there is always fellowship...and let's face it, what else are we going to do on a Saturday night?
And occasionally, we have a good, deep conversation that centers on some recovery related topic. She works her program, I work mine...but we both feel blessed that we are able to speak a common language and talk about spiritual topics.
We have choices in life, but we have no control over outcomes. We can choose this path or that path but we have no idea what's really going to happen along the way. I didn't plan on marrying an alcoholic (as if I even knew what an alcoholic was), my wife certainly didn't plan on being an alcoholic. But you know, right here, right now...life is pretty good. No regrets.
But before 90 days had even passed, we'd both attended a "round-up," basically a camp-out for AA'ers and their spouses. The campground attendant said he really liked the AA crowd. They're very quiet at night, and much easier to clean up after. At the round-up I went to a couple of AA meetings with my wife, and she went to a couple of Al-Anon meetings with me. We both got the opportunity to listen to some pretty awesome AA & Al-Anon speakers. Some of the things they shared about their recovery, I still find useful today.
Over the past couple of years, we've been to several "speakers meetings." Some run by Al-Anon, some by AA...there is often food and there is always fellowship...and let's face it, what else are we going to do on a Saturday night?
And occasionally, we have a good, deep conversation that centers on some recovery related topic. She works her program, I work mine...but we both feel blessed that we are able to speak a common language and talk about spiritual topics.
We have choices in life, but we have no control over outcomes. We can choose this path or that path but we have no idea what's really going to happen along the way. I didn't plan on marrying an alcoholic (as if I even knew what an alcoholic was), my wife certainly didn't plan on being an alcoholic. But you know, right here, right now...life is pretty good. No regrets.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
As a recovering alcoholic (and a bit of a codie as well), I'll put in my two cents.
I think there are plenty of good posts above cautioning involvement in his program.
I don't think his recovery should be dependent on you, but I also don't see that going with him to ONE or TWO open meetings if he's invited you would be a huge problem. After all, you are a couple and I think it's a positive thing that he's willing to be open about his recovery with you. While I don't think you should be his sponsor or sole support, going to one meeting in support of him seems like a nice thing to do.
Personally, there have been some really tough things about getting sober, and I get pretty much NO support from my bf. Clearly, I don't hinge my sobriety on him or anything (actually I think he liked it better when I was drinking so I wouldn't be sober if that was the case). But it's lonely being in a relationship where I don't get any support from my bf when I'm working hard to make positive changes in my life. He's not someone I can talk to at all about my recovery and that distance between us is bothersome to me.
Encouragement and support from our loved ones can mean a lot in any aspect of our lives. That said, of course you don't want to take responsibility for his recovery.
I think there are plenty of good posts above cautioning involvement in his program.
I don't think his recovery should be dependent on you, but I also don't see that going with him to ONE or TWO open meetings if he's invited you would be a huge problem. After all, you are a couple and I think it's a positive thing that he's willing to be open about his recovery with you. While I don't think you should be his sponsor or sole support, going to one meeting in support of him seems like a nice thing to do.
Personally, there have been some really tough things about getting sober, and I get pretty much NO support from my bf. Clearly, I don't hinge my sobriety on him or anything (actually I think he liked it better when I was drinking so I wouldn't be sober if that was the case). But it's lonely being in a relationship where I don't get any support from my bf when I'm working hard to make positive changes in my life. He's not someone I can talk to at all about my recovery and that distance between us is bothersome to me.
Encouragement and support from our loved ones can mean a lot in any aspect of our lives. That said, of course you don't want to take responsibility for his recovery.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Myself, I would never go to an open meeting with him. I may go to another w/out him there just to understand if you feel the need. The thing is, I am sure my AH has things to say about me during his small group at Celebrate Recovery. While I could never be there anyways as that is not allowed there (men and women are separated), I do not feel as though he would feel free to speak about issues dealing with me and free to just say whatever he has to say.
Just my opinion.
Just my opinion.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
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I have been to a few meetings and I persinally always come away feeling enlightened. I try to stay on my side of the street in regards to the things I have learned and not point and exclaim " HA! I TOLD YOU!!! I KNEW iT!!!" But there have been times that it is all I can do to restrain myself! I guess i get a confirmation that I am not crazy..and he has been quacking sometimes. But I also enjoy the environment of compassion and the understanding of the struggle that the A's go thru. There are always lessons to be learned that we can identify with in our every day life...So I say GO! But for the right reasons...and he will appreciate your show of support! I feel like if I had a disease I would appreciat the support of my nearest and dearest.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Haha...that made me laugh! I think that is how I would be too!
Originally Posted by involved 
I have learned and not point and exclaim " HA! I TOLD YOU!!! I KNEW iT!!!" But there have been times that it is all I can do to restrain myself!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I am coming at this from being both an alcoholic and a co-dependent. I wholly agree with this... "I think if a conversation leads naturally to a certain topic, then don't be afraid to talk about it. If you feel like he's asking for your advice, you can gently suggest that it would probably be better for him to talk with his Sponsor about it. But if it's a general issue, like having a HP, I think it was perfectly fine to discuss what you've learned about that. You told him about resources, you didn't tell him he "should" do something."
As to open meetings. I qualify my response with the question of what kind of open meeting? Is it an open speaker meeting or open discussion meeting? I have never been to an open discussion meeting but if it is this type of meeting that your RABF is asking you to attend I would hesitate before going, especially if he is new to the AA program. I have noticed that when I attend AA meetings with my AH and it is his turn to talk he "quacks" a lot. It isn't so much that this is where he is or what he thinks but what he thinks I want to hear to make things better. I try not to go to meetings with my husband. If it was a milestone for your RABF, like 90 days, etc. I might go in support but not just in general.
If it is an open speaker meeting and he isn't the speaker I don't see this as enabling or co-dependent. You can learn about other people's recoveries, you can see other alcoholics in recovery having fun while sober. Socializing normally. A lot of these meetings are about "food, fun and fellowship" and as matmatthews said "what else are you going to do on a Saturday night?"
As to open meetings. I qualify my response with the question of what kind of open meeting? Is it an open speaker meeting or open discussion meeting? I have never been to an open discussion meeting but if it is this type of meeting that your RABF is asking you to attend I would hesitate before going, especially if he is new to the AA program. I have noticed that when I attend AA meetings with my AH and it is his turn to talk he "quacks" a lot. It isn't so much that this is where he is or what he thinks but what he thinks I want to hear to make things better. I try not to go to meetings with my husband. If it was a milestone for your RABF, like 90 days, etc. I might go in support but not just in general.
If it is an open speaker meeting and he isn't the speaker I don't see this as enabling or co-dependent. You can learn about other people's recoveries, you can see other alcoholics in recovery having fun while sober. Socializing normally. A lot of these meetings are about "food, fun and fellowship" and as matmatthews said "what else are you going to do on a Saturday night?"
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
In my experience, I have found the open AA speaker meetings to be very helpful. As the co-dependent, I always assumed that I was the only one
suffering while he was out there having a blast with his friends while tying "one of many" on....
Going to an open speaker meeting humbled me quite a bit and really
helped me let go of any resentments I had towards my many qualifiers....
As for your question, I don't think it can hurt to tag along with him from time to time, but I may not choose to do that on a regular basis....
In other words, I wouldn't want to create a situation where he might say, well if you don't feel like attending tonight, I won't either...
If something like that were to happen, then he runs the risk of not taking responsibility for his own recovery....
I hope you choose whatever feels best for you....
Linda
suffering while he was out there having a blast with his friends while tying "one of many" on....
Going to an open speaker meeting humbled me quite a bit and really
helped me let go of any resentments I had towards my many qualifiers....
As for your question, I don't think it can hurt to tag along with him from time to time, but I may not choose to do that on a regular basis....
In other words, I wouldn't want to create a situation where he might say, well if you don't feel like attending tonight, I won't either...
If something like that were to happen, then he runs the risk of not taking responsibility for his own recovery....
I hope you choose whatever feels best for you....
Linda
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I would go with RAH to a meeting if he asked, I would also like to go to an open meeting by myself. My interest in it would be for gaining perspective and understanding of their plight.
As far as the conversations you've been having with RABF, if he wants to communicate with you about this stuff and you're not uncomfortable with it then I see nothing wrong at all. Some people (myself included) work things out through discussion and sharing. Certainly recovery is something you both have in common, so why not!
As far as the conversations you've been having with RABF, if he wants to communicate with you about this stuff and you're not uncomfortable with it then I see nothing wrong at all. Some people (myself included) work things out through discussion and sharing. Certainly recovery is something you both have in common, so why not!
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Join Date: May 2010
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I went to open AA speaker meetings with my xabf, at his request. I was nervous about it, but ended up being very grateful that I went. There were both AA and Al-Anon speakers at the meetings. I learned a lot, still remember much of what I heard, and it led to a lot of valuable discussion between xabf and myself. I never attended any open discussion meetings (was never invited) and that was okay with me.
As long as he's extending the invitation, it may not hurt to try a meeting or two. Do either of you have boundaries that would be compromised by your going? If not, then it could be a beautiful gesture of support by you and a way for you to gain some perspective/understanding.
As long as he's extending the invitation, it may not hurt to try a meeting or two. Do either of you have boundaries that would be compromised by your going? If not, then it could be a beautiful gesture of support by you and a way for you to gain some perspective/understanding.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Nice thing about boundaries is that they are there for the person who sets them and can be adjusted to fit better as you go.
If he did not want you there then I can see a lot of wisdom in the staying out of his business. If invited the answer to your question pretty much is whatever your answer to "Do I want to?".
I have been to dozens of open meetings with my wife or two types - the open 'speaker meetings' where someone gets up and shares their story and the monthly 'birthday' meetings where milestones are celebrated.
I enjoy going for several reasons. First, when I heard 30 people in different places at different times relate things I had seen and heard from my wife it made it pretty clear that either they were all being honest or they do one hell of a job getting their stories straight. That helped me separate the disease of alcoholism (not a fan) from my lovely wife (big, big fan). It also let me meet a lot of wonderful people who are some of the most good and decent friends I know with 5, 10, 20. 30 ... years of sobriety and others who have been in the program for as long but hit the reset button a couple times but immediately got back into the program and avoided a catastrophic relapse. I needed to meet those people. We don't hear from many folks on this board who live with a long sober alcoholic. We tend to have far more folks here in the midst of the rollercoaster ride or those who stepped off the ride and took their own path and have left that world behind.
If you are close to a person who is working the program like he is I personally found it very helpful to go with her and learn and know the folks who are a key part of my wife's sobriety because they are our social group. We talk about her program when she has read or thought about something interesting or has reached a new understanding of it. AA is central to her life and thus plays an important role in mine but if I did not enjoy going I would not unless she asked me to because she needed my support.
I mentioned that her group is our social circle. Different people see the issue of how they go forward with an alcoholic in recovery differently. Some couples choose to keep their life as it was minus the alcoholics drinking, others choose a sober lifestyle and still others have a new source of drama to replace the rollercoaster because the recovering alcoholic wants to stay away from old habits and people who they associate with partying while their partner says "Hey, I'm not an alcoholic. I like to drink sometimes and I am not going to redo my life to suit you". None is right or wrong - I made a choice to keep the house clear of booze - a beer now and then but a sixpack these days would take a week to drink. When I am out with colleagues I will have a drink but I don't keep a bottle of bourbon on my desk at home these days because that would be hard for my wife and I don't miss it all that much but to be clear - that was MY choice and I am happy with that choice and it took me time to get it into my beloved's lovely and 8" thick skull that I don't miss partying or going out.
A little more detail than you asked for but I figured the context might help because your plans may be different than mine. "Group" is a family member for us so my going when a friend is speaking or when wife wants me to or if she's been upset about a sponsee relapsing and needs a shoulder... good for her, good for me and it's time together we used to spend out drinking - $2 tab is a LOT better.
If he did not want you there then I can see a lot of wisdom in the staying out of his business. If invited the answer to your question pretty much is whatever your answer to "Do I want to?".
I have been to dozens of open meetings with my wife or two types - the open 'speaker meetings' where someone gets up and shares their story and the monthly 'birthday' meetings where milestones are celebrated.
I enjoy going for several reasons. First, when I heard 30 people in different places at different times relate things I had seen and heard from my wife it made it pretty clear that either they were all being honest or they do one hell of a job getting their stories straight. That helped me separate the disease of alcoholism (not a fan) from my lovely wife (big, big fan). It also let me meet a lot of wonderful people who are some of the most good and decent friends I know with 5, 10, 20. 30 ... years of sobriety and others who have been in the program for as long but hit the reset button a couple times but immediately got back into the program and avoided a catastrophic relapse. I needed to meet those people. We don't hear from many folks on this board who live with a long sober alcoholic. We tend to have far more folks here in the midst of the rollercoaster ride or those who stepped off the ride and took their own path and have left that world behind.
If you are close to a person who is working the program like he is I personally found it very helpful to go with her and learn and know the folks who are a key part of my wife's sobriety because they are our social group. We talk about her program when she has read or thought about something interesting or has reached a new understanding of it. AA is central to her life and thus plays an important role in mine but if I did not enjoy going I would not unless she asked me to because she needed my support.
I mentioned that her group is our social circle. Different people see the issue of how they go forward with an alcoholic in recovery differently. Some couples choose to keep their life as it was minus the alcoholics drinking, others choose a sober lifestyle and still others have a new source of drama to replace the rollercoaster because the recovering alcoholic wants to stay away from old habits and people who they associate with partying while their partner says "Hey, I'm not an alcoholic. I like to drink sometimes and I am not going to redo my life to suit you". None is right or wrong - I made a choice to keep the house clear of booze - a beer now and then but a sixpack these days would take a week to drink. When I am out with colleagues I will have a drink but I don't keep a bottle of bourbon on my desk at home these days because that would be hard for my wife and I don't miss it all that much but to be clear - that was MY choice and I am happy with that choice and it took me time to get it into my beloved's lovely and 8" thick skull that I don't miss partying or going out.
A little more detail than you asked for but I figured the context might help because your plans may be different than mine. "Group" is a family member for us so my going when a friend is speaking or when wife wants me to or if she's been upset about a sponsee relapsing and needs a shoulder... good for her, good for me and it's time together we used to spend out drinking - $2 tab is a LOT better.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
I ended up "accidentally" at a couple of AA meetings because the Al-Anon meetings, which are downstairs from the AA meetings, and held at the same time, were cancelled due to weather conditions. At one of the meetings there was a woman guest speaker and the way she told her story was very universal, anybody could probably learn from listening. I actually liked that meeting more than I thought I would.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
I have gone with my rah and enjoy it. I grew up in smokey dark AA houses with my dad so it's never really been uncomfortable to me. I think it's a personal choice. If you are invited, you have a choice. As far as discussing a hp with him, I'm guilty. We talk about a lot of things some people here would warn against but it works for us. I don't interfere with any of his steps, homework, meetings etc but we talk about recovery (his/mine) whenever he/I bring it up. We have a healthy balance in that aspect.
Again I think it's a personal choice. Whatever works for you guys.
Again I think it's a personal choice. Whatever works for you guys.
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